Career Psychic (One Punch Man, Esper SI)

Is there such a thing as near-death hallucinations?

"Which one of you fuckers poured hot cheese over me!?" Yelled the giant red crab man that exploded out of a man's body like one of those alien movies.

The stunned crowd of well-dressed men and women started screaming in fear!

"M-MONSTER!" "Quick! Call the police!" "Fuck that! Just call the Hero Association hotline!" "They're not official yet!" "Who the fuck cares!"

Ow! The noise! My head hurts.

What's with this ringing in my head?

What am I seeing?

Slowly, the stinging pain in my head began to subside, and miraculously, I could start thinking clearly again.

… Is what I'm seeing just my brain's attempt to process the fact that I died via an allergic reaction to eating crab, of all things.

I should have stuck with my "no shellfish" rule (due to a great dislike of seafood), but noooooo, I just had to try it when my co-workers insisted during our company-wide celebration!

Perhaps the reality of things is that I'm currently dying and everyone else is panicking over their beloved co-worker kicking the bucket?

"I-I'm s-so-sorry! It was an accident!" A terrified waiter was apologizing to the monster in a language that sounded different from English, which for some reason, was translated automatically in my head so that I understood it as English… wait, that doesn't make sense.

"Are you trying to make dinner out of me? ME! CRABMAN! You think you can kill me with your low-grade cheese sauce!?"

"Actually, we didn't really skimp on the sauce-"

I was watching all of this from the low ground as I was laying on the ground like a puppet whose strings were cut after my deadly allergy attack.

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH! IN K-CITY, CRAB EATS YOU!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

W-woah! What the fuck! The monster just grabbed the guy with it's giant pincers!

What the hell is going on? Is this real life?

"How does it go again? Oh right, you gotta crack the shell first! Kukuku!"

"N-no, please! Mercy!"

I looked upon the man's frightened face and stood up in response. I can't just play dead and do nothing!

"Put him down you obese sized, overpriced, undercooked crustacean!"

My newfound hate for crabs was made clear by the surprising amount of rage in my voice.

Upon reflection, The only good crab was a dead one, preferably cooked so that it wouldn't go to waste and most definitely not served on my plate. Instead, crab meat should be shoved at the nearest human that wasn't me.

… Alright, maybe my head still isn't working right.

"Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?"

This has got to be a dream. That line confirmed it. After all, the odds of a Jojo reference playing out in real life was terribly low, so this has to be some sort of dream scenario in my head.

And like most fantasies in my head, I just couldn't help myself from playing the hero.

"I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer."

"Oh really?" It dropped the man, who wisely scuttled away immediately after, "Then come as close as you like."

And so I did.

We took a few steps towards each other before the giant crab monster suddenly pushed off its legs and launched its right pincer at me like it was throwing a punch.

It was at the moment when time began to slow down and I could only see its dark red exoskeleton that I knew… I fucked up.

…

I opened my eyes, my vision was blurry, my chest and a good amount of my jaw hurts like hell. Ow! My back! Shit, did I crash into a wall? Why am I not dead yet?

I should have died.

I should have died for real.

Shit, this is actually real.

Fuck, I'm actually an idiot.

Who the fuck would think enacting a Jojo reference and walking right up to a monster was a smart idea? Clearly, I had intended to remove myself from the gene pool to save humanity from being ruled by idiocracies in the far future.

"Huh? I'm surprised you're still alive." It mocked me with a noticeably squeaky voice. Was it always like that?

"Kuh… You and me both." I growled with a low, grating tone that I never thought myself capable of. If only this pain would stop-

-The pain dulled suddenly.

I could feel a sort-of awareness over the areas of my body that had been damaged, there was a sense of what and how much pain would normally be transmitted across my body, and I knew, somehow, that I did something to dull it.

Do I have powers? Seems likely.

The chances of being dropped into another world without a means to survive the first encounter should be next to impossible for certain kinds of stories, after all.

"I'm not fond of surprises. Kukuku…!"

"Same here. Funny. I think we're going to get along just fine…" I muttered darkly as an unnatural sensation of bloodlust urged me to push on and defeat this monstrosity!

What do I have? Biomancy? Internal Body Control? Biokinesis? No...

I searched my feelings and there was a nagging indignant sentiment regarding that thought.

I had more power than that. I knew it. I just needed to find it.

Considering my rather dire situation, I'd rather take misplaced confidence over abject terror anyday if it means that I could muster the courage to fight, rather than die covering in fear.

It rushed at me once again, this time I was ready and threw myself forward-

-underneath it's rather long legs.

"Huh?"

Without stopping to think, I grabbed the nearest object next to me, stood up and smashed it into the monster!

Human used Chair! It's not very effective…

To my surprise, I managed to swing the chair at sufficient velocity and strength to the point where it shattered against the enemy crab. I felt an odd sensation, as if something had gone out of me and aided me in my attempt, then dispersed and left me with a sense of weariness.

Welp, cross out unlimited power from my potential repertoire then.

"Ho? Is that supposed to do something? Even a mosquito would sting harder than you!" The monster turned its eyestalks around to look down at me as it slowly turned its body to face me.

"Bite. Mosquitos bite, not sting."

Damn my need to auto-correct!

"What, really?"

"Well, yeah."

"Huh…"

Oh whew, he's actually concerned about his terminology! Good for me.

Okay, time to take stock. Whatever power I used to enhance my strength and speed to pull that attack off did not increase the durability of my weapon, it might be possible to do so but right now I don't exactly have any objects in range that I could use to try again.

There are scattered tables, chairs, food and all manner of utensils on the ground. The crowd is foolishly watching my battle, taking videos and pictures with their phones instead of helping out, but thankfully far away from where we're fighting.

With this crab monster's surprising speed, however, it could certainly reach the civilians in around three seconds if I fail to keep its attention on me.

Thankfully, its easily distracted.

"Anyways, I must have hit my head really hard when I hit the ground since I can't remember shit. Mind telling me why the fuck you're trying to kill people here?"

Special technique: Buy Time!

"They tried to cook my brethren!"

"Wut."

Ah, it's no use. I got distracted myself!

Crabman pointed at a chunk of crab meat on the floor with its pincer.

"I sexually Identify as a Crab. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of running over the hot sands dropping-"

What have I done?! It sounds so interesting, but, I must… focus!

Alright, I can extend my power out of my body, so that means I should have some range capabilities. Let's see… that fork over there… ah! It twitched! It worked!

I have telekinesis too! I must be a psychic!

The type that had all the powers and not just a narrow range of powers!

I can't exactly explain the ability to dull my own pain and process additional information that I wouldn't have known otherwise using my powers as simply telekinesis now can I?

Alright. It's time!

"Until today, on all levels except physical, I am a Crab. But now I am actually am one! Now the humans will learn to fear me and tremble before-"

I telekinetically launched a steak knife at it's eye.

"Ah, shit. I missed."

Just because I had powers didn't mean it came along with auto-aim bot cheats.

"You dare interrupt my backstory?! You're courting death!"

"... The fuck did you mean by that? You were already going to kill everyone!"

"Die human! Whoa-!" This time it had to move its eyestalk to avoid the next knife! "Stop that! That's pointy! Like my claws!"

"Pincer! Fuc-"

I cut my curse short as I twisted my body to the side at the last minute, barely dodging his strike. A very anime-like trickle of blood formed along my cheek as the sharp edges of Crabman's pincer grazed over it.

Moving quickly out of the way, I took advantage of its physiology and lack of swift turning ability to run circles around it as I continued to pelt it with sharp implements, telekinetically and physically.

I regret not learning how to throw knives like my childhood friend. If I survive this I will apologize for calling him edgy when he decided to learn this essential life saving skill!

Eventually, the fucker decided to try attacking the crowd when he realized I was keeping it away from them, so I was forced to engage him at a closer range to keep the peanut gallery from getting killed.

Fucking idiots aren't running away! What is this? A reality TV show being filmed live?!

Taking the microphone holder of this dinner event area, I enhanced my strength and speed to the point where I could dodge and parry its blows using the impromptu weapon. I mixed in some telekinetic blasts in between attacks, but they weren't doing much other than staggering Crabman for brief moments.

I was tiring, and if my instincts were correct, Crabman would outlast me.

I tried pushing my power into the long microphone holder in an attempt to increase its attack power, but it shattered into tiny pieces! Guess I can't pull off Reinforcement Magecraft shenanigans.

"You're dead meat!"

"And you're fucking raw!"

Focusing my psychic power on my feet, I launched myself backwards and out of range of Crabman's cross pincer attack.

Realizing that my most accurate and effective weapon was raw psychic power, and that my quick bursts wouldn't cut it, I began focusing my psychic power into the form of a "spear".

"Domain Control-" Oh no, I'm being affected by Finishing Move Naming Syndrome!

Crabman's crab eyes narrowed at me, fully comprehending of the danger I posed now. There goes the element of surprise and underestimating your enemy.

The normally invisible power was condensed to the point where it began to become visible to the crowd, and to my enemy as well, who attempted to finish me off before I got the attack off.

I was briefly distracted by the return of pain and soreness in my body. I realized that I had been keeping some power in reserve to dull the pain, now that I was putting it all into this one attack, I didn't have any reserved focus left for that!

"OLOLOLOLOLOL!" Crabman unleashed a most disturbing battle cry as it attempted to crush my with it's entire body.

But it was too slow and I was prepared for evasive maneuvers, having pooled a small amount of focus to my feet, enabling me to launch myself up in the air with my power to dodge its desperate charge!

"-Houtengeki!"

The psychic spear fell down upon the crustacean monstrosity.

Crushing a portion of its carapace and drilling through its fleshy insides in a second.

I wasn't done yet. As I landed on my feet thanks to the Rule of Cool, I pulled the "spear" out of the ground and back up into its body at a different angle, severing its body again!

It bellowed out a cringe worthy dying breath before it fell to the ground lifelessly, and ready to be cooked.

I felt like falling to the ground like a typical protagonist after a tough battle.

But with my newfound hate for crab, I mustered enough energy to turn away from it before falling face first into the floor.

I woke up to see an unfamiliar ceiling.

There's another Isekai trope crossed off my list.

"Ah! Mr. Kazanari! You're awake, hold on, let me get the doctor."

"Wait what? Who?"

I looked at the patient information detailed near my bed.

Shinji Kazanari.

Well shit, I got inserted into a guy and I have absolutely no memories of his life.

This is going to be one of those stories where I have to awkwardly fake my familiarity with the poor schmuck's family, isn't it?

Wait a second... I can claim amnesia! I even mentioned that I couldn't remember shit back in the fight when the idiot civilians were recording my fight instead of GTFO'ing.

Oh yeah. It's all coming together.

"I can't remember much doctor? Who am I?"

"Oh dear… it seems the knock on your head that awakened your abilities must have caused you amnesia." The doctor blatantly bullshitted an explanation while giving a "sagely" nod, can someone fire this guy please?

"W-what? Oh yeah, that fight against that weird crab monster."

"Yes. You were very brave! In fact, everyone there only had good things to say about your heroism. Perhaps you should give the Hero Association a shot."

"Wait what? What did you say?"

Hero Association?! Am I in One Punch Man?

The doctor then confirmed my suspicions by telling me about how a multi-millionaire Agoni was about to officially start operations of the Hero Association. When he realized he forgot to give me some context, he explained further on how Agoni was was so moved by a passersby stranger (Saitama, not that anyone knows that) saving his grandson, that he created the Hero Association and the National Superhero Registry to create and manage superheroes who would protect humanity against the Mysterious Beings.

"You really should consider registering since you got a head start in the fame department. There's quite a bit of videos of your fight online, oh, here's a meme-"

"Fuck, there goes my private life. Speaking about my life, when can I get out of here?"

"After lunch. You seem to be healing up rapidly. I would say it's a miracle, but people with exceptional powers and abilities have been popping up a lot more often these days, so I think it should be classified as "special"-"

Can I get discharged before he rambles on?

Well, at least the information is useful.

Turns out that the Hero Association's "local" test will be held in two weeks in the city I live in, which turns out to be K-City, a city known for many forests, some of which had been turned into reserves and nature parks.

"Oh right, I knew I was forgetting something!" Are you really a licensed doctor? How can you just forget things? "I should contact your family and inform them of your circumstances."

"How about you respect patient confidentiality and do anything but that?"

Yeah, no. I don't want to deal with my relatives for now.

If I'm lucky they would turn out to be a bunch of technologically illiterate secret ninja clan that paid absolutely zero attention to the internet.

... Yeah, I'm so fucked when the family reunion comes around.

The police came to visit before I left in order to get a formal statement. When they realized that I had "amnesia" regarding my life before the battle, they became super nice to me and escorted me back to my apartment. They even gave me some advice on how to deal with the bank given that I'm incapable of remembering my PIN numbers and other security questions!

These cops sure are helpful! And suspiciously competent too.

I checked my belongings (that had been collected and returned to me) to find the right keycard to my apartment. It was then that I realized that my apartment was rather luxurious!

After a nice hot bath, I began to worry about whether I could actually afford it.

The bank, hospital and my insurance company was surprisingly swift in helping me regain access to all my information. Something was seriously up. Was some higher-ups smoothing things along for me?

I'm thankful… but I'm getting really worried about an invisible hand guiding my life right now. What if it was the government and this is all an elaborate ploy to hold my leash?!

I could just be overly cautious, but you'll never know. This is a death world where entire portions of cities could be wiped off the map in an instant, after all.

The only way I could survive that kind of attack was if I had a combination of Precognition and Teleportation in order to GTFO in time.

Hmm, I don't think I can test if I have precognition right now. But how about teleportation? What if I wanted to go over to the other side of the dinner table-

-I was on the other side.

"Fuck yeah! Tele-spam all the way!"

I can't wait to pull off some Ryo Shimazaki-styled beat-downs! That would be fucking awesome!

I love being a multidisciplinary Esper, Psychic, whatever!

I feel like playing "Let it Go" and test my powers just at the point where the song goes "It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through". It would be a fitting training montage music for me.

"... Hmm? But should I really be risking my life for money? Well, I'll get experience fighting Mysterious Beings and increase my chances of survival in the long run… if I don't get rekted early on. Let me check online… Oh, the pay at the upper ranks is good! But can I really sell my safety for money?"

Wait, how much did I have in the bank account again?

How much was the rent for this place? Wait what, "I" bought this place?

Wait, what the fuck?! I'm not earning enough to pay all this off. I don't even have a fucking job!

Holy shit, this Shinji Kazanari guy is a complete fucktard when it comes to maintaining a healthy cash flow!

Did he not understand what "living within your means" fucking means?!

"Nooooo! I can't end up bankrupt! I want to live a comfortable life with awesome superpowers!"

I ended up moving out to a much smaller apartment. I put up an online notice for my expensive apartment, hopefully, someone will rent it. Better yet, buy it off me before a monster crushes my home into smithereens.

If its off my hands then it won't be my problem anymore.

I considered working part-time jobs before seeking stable employment, but decided that the possible earnings from being a high-ranking Hero and finishing up a number of "bounty flyers" will be the better career option for me.

And with that in mind, I spent the remaining days before the preliminary tests training my ass off, both mentally and physically.