The Archwizard Aims To Be The Most Popular Side-Waifu Character! (Konosuba, Arue SI)

"Magic item shops are supposed to be visited after getting basic equipment at the blacksmith... I feel like I'm going against the natural order of RPG's here."

Kazuma couldn't help but feel a strange sense of foreboding as he approached one of the two magic item shops in the town of Axel.

After getting paid for completing his first quest (damn those toads), Luna had suggested a visit to "The Abyss", a recently opened but very popular shop owned by one of those Crimson Demons.

In other words, one of Megumin's people.

There was a part of him that wanted nothing more than to avoid the shop like a plague... but then he overheard Dust talking about how the shop owner was a pretty "big sister" with huge boobs.

How could he, as a man (and a virgin NEET), not ogle a beautiful onee-san!?

Suffering through a bit of chuuni would be well worth the view! He would burn the image of her into his mind then use it as fap material!

Normally, he wouldn't have had to do this as he slept besides a girl that looked better than even the prettiest of supermodels, but unfortunately, that girl happened to be Aqua.

The moment he pictured her in his mind was the moment he recalled her whiny useless goddess's voice crying out for one reason or another, and that killed his boner immediately!

Kazuma arrived at the store that was located right beside the river that flowed through the city of Axel, taking a good look at it, he noticed something very… off. Namely, there was an odd piece of machinery running at the back of the store, installed on what seems to be a well-designed boat.

The key point being the "machinery".

"Isn't that a steam engine?! What happened to my fantasy Isekai story? Did I slip into a steampunk story?!"

Calm down Kazuma. It's probably just a lump of metal parts that function off magic, yeah…

Kazuma took a deep breath and opened the door into the store.

Everything was dark.

"Huh?"

For a moment, Kazuma had thought that the store was actually closed and the owner had accidentally left the sign at "Open".

"Why are you searching for the sun in the abyss?"

But then a small, blazing red light shined brightly from across the dark room!

Glowing red eyes.

"*Gulp!*" Kazuma kinda forgot that he was seeing a Crimson Demon for a second there.

An oddly colored light that reminded him of sunset began to illuminate the room beginning from the owner of the voice.

"My name is Arue, the Archmage who will pierce the darkness and light the path to a new world!" After she declared her name, a swirl of dark energies emerged from her location, accompanied by a gust of wind in his direction!

Kazuma had to admit, the entire atmosphere was done very well.

"Are you just going to stand there? Have you been paralyze by the fear of my power? You would be wise to do so."

He almost forgot what he came here for.

Kazuma decided not to entertain more of this and to get closer so that he could look at her properly. The lightning was still pretty bad and most of the shop was still shrouded in darkness.

"Oh? You're approaching me? Instead of running away, you're coming right to me?"

Wait, no fucking way. Could that be?

"I can't take a good look at you without getting closer."

He responded automatically after years of indoctrination by Jojo Bizarre's Adventure.

"Oh ho! Then come as close as you like."

And so he did.

"Oh!"

"T-this is…"

SOFT! It's so big and so soft! Is this for real!?

He didn't intend to literally walk right into her boobs but now that he was stuck here he really didn't want to leave! Kazuma looked up and saw a mildly surprised expression.

Suddenly, Arue's expression shifted to that of a condescending smile.

"How cute."

"AHHHH!" For some reason that smile irritated him, "Oi! What gives!"

The very voluptuous girl placed one of her hands on her cheek, and sarcastically replied, "Oh? Are you talking about how I gave you the privilege of feeling a girl's breast through a layer of fabric?"

"Eh?"

She walked closer to him and leaned forward, "You should treasure that gift. After all, it will be the closest you'll ever be with a woman."

Kazuma processed that for a few seconds… then he snapped!

"You bitch! Is this how you treat your customers!? Are you some kind of slut that goes up and has every guy that comes in your store plant their face in your admittedly super nice breasts or what!?"

She stared at him, then laughed, "Ahahahaha! Oh, wow, that was a good response. Sorry, sorry, I went a bit too far there, I thought that you would be playing along with me for a bit longer."

Arue smiled at him brightly and sweetly, as if the girl he saw earlier was nothing more than one of his awkward nightmares where a silver-haired loli vampire had tied him up and planned to turn him into a sex slave.

"Huh? What do you mean… playing along?"

Arue snapped her fingers and suddenly, the whole room was lit up like a normal shop.

Holy shit! That's so cool!

Does she sell that kind of lightning? If he ever got a house then he wanted to buy some of that!

The sexy cute girl reached behind the counter and pulled up a book.

"Ever since I was young I had dreamt up all sorts of cool lines and encounters that I wanted to experience for myself, to keep myself from forgetting them all, I wrote my inspiration down in this book."

Kazuma took a look at the title and found it odd, as it wasn't in the local language nor was it a language familiar to him like Japane- wait, isn't that English? What the hell? Why does someone in this world know English?!

The title was "The Book of Memes".

"Anyways-" She placed the book down, "Thank you so much for going along the whole "You are approaching me" scene, it makes me really happy to know that there's someone out there with the same style as me."

"No way." Kazuma waved his hand, "It was just… a bit familiar to a story I read before, there's no way I have the same style as a chuunibyou like you!"

"Oh, don't be so modest-" "It's not modesty!" "-I'm sure that you're the type that wants to relive his every childhood fantasy. "Hell no I'll die of embarrassment."

"Such a shame." She shook her head with a good-hearted smile, "Now then, welcome to "The Abyss". You're the first customer to have ever understood my style and played along so I'll give you a freebie. You can have any one, below 20 thousand Eris, item for free. Manatite and other magic supplies are not included and are sold separately. Terms and Conditions Apply."

"Somehow this reminds me of a departmental store holiday sale." Kazuma muttered under his breath, then decided to introduce himself and ask for some recommendations.

She explained to him that the prices were attached to the magic items on display on the shelves, and that she had a printed catalog for magic items not on display that might be cheaper (or too large) to be displayed here.

"Wait a second, aren't the words way too neat? Woah, this is magazine quality!"

"What are you talking about? It's only natural since it's fresh off my printing press."

She gave him a confused, oblivious look.

Did he accidentally stumble into an "uplift another world" story? If this Crimson Demon doesn't frighten away potential rich investors then his Isekai adventure may very well advance into the industrial age!

He flipped through the catalog and found himself impressed with the selection of items! It had everything from daily life enhancing gadgets, to awesome utility items like a grappling hook (he could be a vigilante with these stuff!) and a wide array of enchanted rings that had all sorts of efforts and stored spells!

Come to think of it, isn't the shop owner wearing 10 magic rings, one on each finger like a filthy Cash Shop P2W player that pays to have additional item slots?

"20,000 Eris… uh, do you have any recommendations?"

"Yes! I have a top selling product for men just within budget! Hold on, let me get it."

She walked to the back of the store and Kazuma couldn't stop himself from watching her go.

Aqua's ass was still better, but then Aqua was Aqua, so he still appreciated the view a lot.

"Here you go."

"Eh?"

Kazuma's mood plunged as he stared at the offending object.

"What is this…"

"Oh my, you're an innocent one. Are you still a virgin?"

"Stop messing around!"

"I don't understand what you mean."

"T-this is an Onahole!"

"Yes it is. To be more specific, it's a magical masturbatory aid that has the effect of increasing your cock size over time."

"That's not what I aske- wait what? Excuse me, I didn't quite catch that."

"It will increase your penis size and length."

"This sounds like a scam!"

"It's not! If you don't believe me then why don't you ask all the other adventurers!"

Arue took out what looked like a scrapbook titled "Blackmail", she opened it and shocked Kazuma with its contents.

Every two pages were filled with photos taken from various angles of male adventurers purchasing the item from her. There were captions underneath them that said "Before" and "After", Arue took out the photo belonging to Dust and flipped it, showing the text written on it's back.

"Hmm, since I find you rather funny… Why don't you verify the claims from this piece of trash here? Piece of shit owes me money…"

She freely gave him a photo of Dust and her meeting, the text behind the photo was a transcript of their conversation.

It was only now that Kazuma realized that Arue may have been cut from the same cloth as he was.

"You're scum." He told her straight to her face.

She smirked, "Takes one to know one. By the way… this book updates itself magically."

"... What?"

She flipped it over to the last filled page, to his shock, there were photos of him and her! Including the really awkward one! How is it so clear despite the lightning! When was it taken!?

Kazuma's eyes widened in horror. The whole store must have modern-era security using magically made cameras! He's been had!

"You will keep quiet about this or I will spread this photo around to your party and to the police. Do you understand?"

"Yes Arue-sama."

He'll "repay" her for this! There's no way he's letting her get away with this!

"Good boy. You made a very smart choice. After all, the police aren't very forgiving with lolicons in this part of Belzerg."

"... Huh? What are you talking about? I'm not a lolicon."

"I'm thirteen."

What?

"What?"

"I'm probably younger than you."

"No, no! That's impossible! As if I'll believe that!"

"If I remember correctly then my classmates should be in town. Why don't you find the Crimson Demons named either Megumin or Yunyun about me?"

He stormed off after that, not willing to stay there and be her plaything any longer.

Arue laughed as he left, and once he was out of ear shot, she started to monologue like any good Crimson Demon, "Ah, so easy. Everything is proceeding as foreseen. While I have no interest in having anything more than a friendship with you, you will be my stepping stone to greater relevance and popularity in this world!"

"Well, until I find my way off this rock. That is."

In the past...

"Long ago in a distant land, I, Arue, the reincarnated archwizard of darkness, graduated from the Crimson Demon School. Eh, no, that doesn't fit. Gosh, how can I graduate without a proper introductory line! I can't just tell everyone I'm a reincarnate. And it was like, so lame, like, 45 points. Urgh… whatever, I'll just get breakfast ready. Can't think in the morning..."

I had already gathered enough skill points through my academic efforts by answering every question like the best chuuni in the world.

After drinking so many Skill-Up potions, ruthlessly strangling any stray animal that I could get away with (what? Megumin would do it too…) for EXP, then spending hours pouring over the library's books to improve my understanding I had both the skill points and the knowledge to learn Advanced Magic, specifically, the Cursed Lightning spell that I desired for UNLIMITED POWER!

However, I chose to stay in the school, not learning any magic other than the passive "Magic Item Creation". Contrary to its name, you didn't really need the skill to make magic items like potions, but having it allows you to start making weird and occasionally game-breaking magic items like the stuff in Wiz's shop.

In any case, I held back from "graduating" as if I did, I would no longer enjoy the privilege of being an immature Crimson Demon, that is… I would lose out on an easy way to obtain the rare Skill Up Potion.

For the sake of efficiency and being a munchkin whilst indulging in all my chuuni as fuck fantasies, I must continue this deception (well, it wouldn't be the first time students stayed back for skill points) in order to achieve my dreams.

Ah, I love my new life. Even if I did essentially get gender-bent into being a cute girl.

After all, I got reincarnated as the girl who would break all the physical development records. Like, holy shit, my boobs were Mami Tomoe levels of big when I was 12… and that was last year! They were even bigger now and I could conceivably pass as a high-school student or college student at this point.

Being a genetically engineered sub-type of the human race does have its benefits.

Speaking of benefits, the best part of getting reincarnated into the Crimson Demon clan is that I can say the most outrageous things that I've always dreamt off and be rewarded for it!

Classes are so much fun when I can just say the most trope-filled, cliched stuff and get rewarded for it.

What did the teacher ask yesterday again? For that quiz?

He had asked, "What is the most important thing if you want to survive a battle to the end?"

And I answered, "It is the opening speech before a battle. If the monologue is good and avoids all the common death flags like in that cool quote "You won't mind if I beat that thing, right?"... then even if you only have a spatula for a weapon and are outnumbered a million to one, the chances of death is inconceivable. Conversely, no matter how powerful the demon king is, if he triggers flags such as 'Let me show you what it is like to be in hell!' or 'You are doomed! It is impossible for you to survive!', then he will die easily, and if conditions are right, he can even be one-shotted like a mob character."

Then he praised me and gave extra homework to the class, "100 points! You get a Skill Up Potion! Why haven't the rest of you memorized the traditional Crimson Demons' 'Collection of Famous Quotes That Will Keep You Alive' like Arue? Congratulations, it's now your homework!"

I love this wonderful world so much.

Ah, but still... if only Kazuma and Aqua can get here faster! I could really make do with a lot less life-threatening demon king army attacks you know!

I want to enjoy a (relatively) peaceful life of making magical items, earning lots of money and making a living as an author by finding a way to travel between worlds, steal all the famous literature and plagiarize them to make me rich in this world!

Oh, and maybe get like… a hot kinky slave that could help satiate my sexual needs, emotional needs, sexual needs, be the person that understands me the most, sexual needs and most importantly sexual needs!

"Uwoaaah! Arue, breakfast smells heavenly!"

"Papa, it's just leftover Onion Duck confit."

"Every one of your meals is worthy of praise. I, Kokobozu, am the proud father of the brilliant Crimson Demon Arue who…"

I twitched as he gave his introduction.

There he goes again.

It's not that I hated the content of his introduction, I just couldn't stand my father's name!

I mean, what the hell!? Who would!?

My father's name literally sounds like "Cocoballs"!