Fiona and Yor were genuinely perplexed as Yuri held his ground between them. "Come on, you're my sister and my woman!" he said. "We're family! You don't want to fight!"
"Yes, I do!" Fiona screamed. "That goody two-shoes took my man!" She sent a bolt of electricity through Yuri, frizzing his already tousled hair.
"See," Sally Briar pleaded to Anya, "Mother started the Cold Front to keep your people from getting lazy. It was fun when we started, moving around between secret hideouts and playing games."
"But I'm your man, snowball," Yuri said. He got another shock for his troubles.
Sally wiped tears from her eyes. "The thing is, sometimes Daddy just stops talking like Daddy. Then there's nobody to put Mother in time out if she gets, well, funny. Daddy always told me to go along with it till he comes back."
Loid Forger, listening in, nodded. "How often does this happen?" he asked.
"I don't know," Sally sniffed. "Maybe three… four times a year? Usually it's not this long…"
"Let her through, Yuri," Yor said. "You slattern, you had all the looks and all the moves, and you still lost!"
"Only because the goblin was on your side!" Fiona said. "And- and even he likes to look at a good kit! How do you not even notice those things?!"
"Your Majesty!" Colonel Welrod shouted. "This is unseemly and undignified! Especially before your loyal troops! Give the order and I will remove her!"
Loid stepped to Yor's side. "Then you will have to come through me," he said.
"Let's just calm down!" Yuri said. Another bolt went through him. He wobbled visibly.
"Gahh, do you ever stop talking?" Fiona screeched.
"All right, time out!" Yuri said. He wrapped himself around her, straight into the heart of the storm. "I'm just gonna keep hugging till you get it all out!"
The bolts arced back upon Fiona, but she kept sending her shocks. "I never even wanted you!" she screamed. "I wanted him!"
A cable that connected Fiona's gauntlet to her suit finally shorted out, burning her arm. She shrieked in pain. Simultaneously, Yuri slumped limply. She drew back, staring down. Yuri slid down, his arms hanging onto the flared hips of her armor. He looked up at her and wheezed, "Till… we have… faces." Then he fell at her feet.
"Aaaahhhh!" she screeched. "What have I done? My Prince! My Prince! I've killed you! I killed the only man I ever loved!" She picked Yuri up and cradled him. Yor rushed to her side. Welrod gestured for a medic.
"You were supposed to live!" Fiona said in tears. She turned to Yor. "Oh, sister! I was going to set him free, when I disappeared. But he had everything figured out, like he always did. He told me how to do it better. And, and, before that, I told him he should have an affair…" Yor gazed at Yuri's face while they both wept… then shrieked as his eyes shot open.
"Possum!" Yuri said.
"Ah ha ha, Daddy fooled you!" Sally said.
"Well, I fooled him," Fiona said.
"You totally didn't," Handler said. She set down Loidy.
"Mama! Papa!" the boy called out.
"Yes, I'm here!" Yor said. "And this is Uncle Yuri and cousin Sally!"
Sally threw her arms around Fiona. "Oh, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, please, I don't want to go, I don't want you to go, I want you to be with me!" she sniffled.
Welrod dropped to his knees before her. "Please, your Majesty, the escape craft is waiting for you and the Royal Family!" he said. "Go with them, and I will complete the mission!"
Fiona shook her head. "Please go, Colonel," she said. "The Front will go on. We need your experience." She kissed her husband. "You must go, too."
"But snowball," Yuri said, "you told me, if we really did it, we would stay together and… make love, like we used to pretend."
"I know," Fiona said. "But Sally needs one of us. If she won't go, nobody else can make her. And you never know, maybe I'll make a last-minute escape, and I'll look you up some time, and you can introduce me to Willow's new Mommy, just like I told you."
Yuri caressed her cheek. "Aw, snowball," he said. "You're cute when you lie."
Sally squalled as he pried her away. "Please, Mommy!" she pleaded. "I don't want a new Mommy, I want to be with you! Don't you want to be with me? Oh, Mommy, I'm so sorry if I was bad!"
"Oh, no, you are the best girl in the world!" Fiona said. "I want to be with you more than anything! But I already hurt Daddy an' I hurt you, and- and I tried to make you like me!"
Loid leaned down to look her in the eye. "There are worse things to be," he said. "I owe you my life. If you won't leave, then I am staying with you."
Fiona shook her head. "I'm not the woman who would live for you anymore," she said. "You have too much now to die for me, either. Just go."
"No, Papa," Anya said. "You can go. I'm staying. Lady, you always just gave me a headache. But you love Papa, and that was enough to want to try to be my Mama. We're family, and family stay together. I never walked away when bad people wanted to do bad things. I'm not leaving good people to do bad things to themselves, either. I'll tell you something else. You don't fix a bad place by blowing it up, you do it by doing something good with it!"
"Anya," Fiona said, staring into her eyes. "You can read my mind. You saw who I am, all along… and you would do that for me?"
"There's lots of good things to reading minds," Anya said. "You know the best part? Even better than seeing people fall in love? You get to see why people who think they are bad still do good things. With you, you always want what's good, but you tell yourself the reason you want it must be bad. You said you tried to take Papa from Mama because you wanted him, not that you were afraid she would just hurt him if he fell in love with her. You say you stayed with Yuri because he's good in bed, not that it feels good because you really like each other."
She pointed to Yuri and Sally. "Now, you have to do more," she said. The girl held the dragon lizard, which looked back at Fiona. "It's not enough to want them to live. It's not enough for you to want to live. You have to believe you deserve to be loved, and the people you love deserve you!"
"Your Majesty, you are letting this telepath weaken your resolve, just as you feared!" Welrod shouted. "By all means go, but complete the mission!"
"No," she said. "It may be her power, but she is not cunning, only good!"
"Then I must remove her," the Colonel said. He raised his anti-tank rifle. As he pulled the trigger, Bond leaped in front of Anya. He fired twice more. Bond hit the floor. Smoke rose from his body. The cyborg leaped again, straight at the colonel. Welrod fired once more. Bond fell at his feet, his visor shattered.
"Bond, no!" Anya cried. Welrod took aim, his final shot ready. Loid stepped up behind Anya. The colonel sighed and dropped the gun.
"Colonel Welrod!" Loid said. "Did you just shoot my daughter's dog?"
"I suppose I did," he said. He examined Loid. "I know you. I wondered, but I wasn't sure until now. I remember you…" Then he spoke a name even Yor had never heard.
"Anya," Loid said. "If you don't want to see this, I won't do it."
Anya stepped to his side. "I'm not watching, I'm helping," she said. "Time for a ca-tartic low-stakes fight with a side character who has a revealed backstory connection!"