I just wanted to live a quiet life… and conquer the sun while I was at it (DC, Muzan SI)

"YOU'VE BEEN HIT BY - YOU'VE BEEN STRUCK BY - A SMOOTH CRIMINAL!"

I never really considered a career in entertainment until I realized that I enjoyed the applause.

The pay wasn't all that bad either, for someone that appeared in another world in a body that was not my own, I couldn't find any reason to bitch about the amount of cash I was raking in.

I let myself continue the performance on auto-pilot, ah, precious auto-pilot~ The bane of tedium, slayer of boredom, enabler of monologues!

It was one of the useful minor applications of having absolute control over my body to the cellular level, allowing me to attach certain thoughts and routines as "cellular memories" so that I could think in peace while letting my body do all the work for me.

Hmm, since I'm monologuing right now, I may as well revise my introduction. The age of heroes may not have begun yet, but it never hurts to prepare a memorable introduction for the audience.

Now how should I go about this…? Ah, yes.

My name is Kibutsuji Muzan. I'm 24 years old. My house is in downtown Gotham Park Row, where the theater is, and I am not married. I work as an employee for the Gotham Casino as a Michael Jackson impersonator, and I get home every day by 6 AM at the latest. I don't smoke, but I occasionally drink. I'm in bed by 9 AM, and make sure I get eight hours of sleep, no matter what. After having a glass of warm blood and doing about an hour of studying before going to bed, I usually have no problems sleeping until morning. Just like a baby, I wake up without any fatigue or stress in the evening. I made sure that there were no issues at my last check-up. I'm trying to explain that I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life. I take care not to trouble myself with any enemies, like justice and evil, that would cause me to lose sleep at day. That is how I deal with the Sun, and I know that is what brings me happiness. Although, if I were to fight I wouldn't lose to anyone.

Mmm, yeah, not too shabby.

Though the last line is wholly inaccurate. There are so many ways for me to get screwed in this universe it's not even funny. I may be a super Japanese vampire that calls himself a "Demon" but that doesn't mean shit in this multiverse.

Higher dimensional beings like the true emanation of Darkseid can casually destroy time itself. The New Gods could blast me until not a single cell remained or banish me into another dimension. There were Angels and Demons that would love to either render 'judgement' upon me or drag me to hell to teach me what a real demon is supposed to be like.

Any hero and villain with high levels of popularity are given plot armor so thick that authors would make entire serializations to hand-wave off their perpetual and ever present existence (looking at you Doomsday Clock, no offense Superman) which means I will never have a meaningful victory.

Goddamn magicians with unlimited ways to deal with me, ever-changing technologies that will always exploit any weaknesses I might have, there's an overpowered alien that is literally powered by the Sun, to which I am dangerously allergic to… to say the least.

Also, there's the memetic "Prep-Time" Batman that is going to fuck me up if I even show my face. Sure he hasn't gone through his origin story yet, but with a 5th Dimensional Imp possibly following him around, I wasn't going to take my chances to mess with him directly.

"Hey, Muzan, buddy. Great job tonight but uh… don't come back here tomorrow. The boss brought in some new boys and uh yeah, the Michael Jackson songs have gotten a little stale."

Aaaaand I'm unemployed again. Bummer.

The month-long gig was good while it lasted.

"Man, what am I going to do? Guess I should get a fake ID about now-"

"Hey you, the Michael Jackson wannabe. Hand over your mo-"

A quick swipe of my hand separated the wannabe thug's head from his shoulders.

My arm expanded, absorbing my clothes along with it, until it became just a bit larger than a human body. Creating an opening from my palm, I swung my hand down and consumed the thug's body, head included.

It only took a moment for me to assimilate the human's worthless memories and reform the rest of my clothes over the arm I used.

"Tee Hee."

I whistled a tune as I headed back to my home, that is, the sewers under Park Row.

It was one of the few places where I could sleep peacefully in order to remain connected to my humanity while keeping a good supply of fresh food available to sate my needs.

Contrary to popular belief, common thugs do not grow on trees. I can't just keep picking off people that try to mug me off the streets without getting the cops involved.

And I'd rather not have a repeat incident where I had to kill a cop yelling "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DROP THE MEAT" at me. It was really regrettable despite the useful skills and knowledge he gave me.

The human didn't deserve death. It was just unlucky to cross paths with me.

Well, I suppose the cop would be grateful to know that it got a swift death, unlike the few criminals I have strung up in my chambers that I cut open for blood every day.

I may have a semblance of a demon's murderous instincts to kill and devour humans but I didn't want to kill to survive for the rest of my life.

But more than that, I didn't want to live my life hiding away from the sun either.

If I gave up on ever enjoying a life under the sun then I would most definitely end up as a full-on monster… and everyone knows that the monster dies in the end.

Yeah, no way, I like living.

More accurately I like living an average, overpowered protagonist life. I wouldn't give up my powers even if I had the chance to taste the sun again.

I want to live a life with these awesome powers without falling into utmost depravity and all the world's evils, which kinda means the option to spread the demonic plague across the world was a big "no-no" for me.

I'm a greedy man. I can't help but want my cake and eat it too.

The next day I heard a gunshot above my chambers.

Here I was, actually getting a start on drafting plans to conquer the sun and the multiverse, and then the universe decides to break my concentration streak.

I am sooooo going to end up procrastinating again.

I know it's a bad habit of mine but just because you get awe-inspiring (or was it fear?) and potentially game-breaking demonic powers doesn't mean you can just go full OP Isekai protagonist and not suffer from your own personality deficiencies.

I got out of the sewers and peeked out of the corner.

Oh, there's Bruce Wayne and his dead parents.

Good to know that I'm not in the Flashpoint Universe. I don't want to get my universe erased, thank you very much!

Hmm, I hope I'm not in the DCAMU either, since Flash erased that universe too thanks to Superman's wonderful decision making skills, fucking Paradooms and Darkseid's Invincible Villain card.

Wait, Muzan, stop musing about all those things and think about what you need to do!

Ignore Brucey and get some lunch.

I quickly found Joe Chill and ate him.

Muahahaha! Now Batman will never get his closure! I am so evil!

Bah, he'll get over it.

I wasn't going to pass up an easy and acceptable target, especially if he was going to get arrested, released and become a criminal all over again.

"Oh my, what pretty pearls these are."

Wow, I'm so resourceful!

Not even a day after losing my job and I've already gotten a bit of extra income!

I returned back to my lair, I mean uh, my chambers and started to hit the drawing board again.

Okay, first step… I will find a Fence and sell these pearls for cash. Not particularly ambitious but it's a start.

Next step, I uh… I dunno, I go through a Shonen Training montage? Guess I have to find a cave and a stable supply of food/test subjects. Or maybe I can find a war-torn country and take advantage of the chaos to enjoy an all-you-can eat buffet…? Decisions… decisions…

Come to think of it, now that I can cross-out the possibility that I'm not in some hellish world in the Dark Multiverse, I should be able to safely search for clues in what continuity I'm in, to a reasonable point.

If I find out what continuity I'm in, I might get more ideas on how I could power-game my way into ultimate power… preferably without drastic measures like trying to consume Lex Luthor for his intelligence only for his over sized ego and plot armor to turn the tables on me.

Worst comes to worst I might have to go ahead and pick off a couple of mad scientists in order to accelerate my acquisition of knowledge and power, but that's a decision for another day.

Now then, time to take the night bus and make for Smallville!

DC Multiverse Survival Class 101 upholds continuity awareness as paramount, after all, with one of the most accurate indicators of which continuity you are in being the Superman versioning test.

If you're going to find out what kind of DC universe you're stuck in, just find and watch what kind of Superman you have!

Let's hope that I won't get my head smashed by solar energy infused punches and burned into the ground by heat rays.