well, here is that helluva boss fanfic that i mentioned was writing back over at the Beastars fic, nothing too major happens here
'this world has gone to shit, too much crap going on, it's all going to hell, maybe it'll be best if I end it here, at least I'll be free from all of this'
I silently wandered the filthy city streets, glancing around at the dingy and depressing sights, half hoping that some crazed, drug filled lunatic would jump out, mug me and leave me lying in the gutter, bleeding out, I just shook my head, putting the thought out of my mind for now as I leaned on a random wall, one moment, staring at the boarded up shopfront of a defunct business, the next, barely able to react as I heard a whooshing sound and fell backwards, my perception was somewhat fuzzy as I saw someone looking down at me, I groaned and rolled onto my front, shaking my head clear, I looked around, finding myself in some sort of waiting room
"what is this place?" I groaned "a place where I have to wait and see whoever admits me to heaven or hell?"
"no, you get sent to heaven or hell directly, that "judgement" concept is a massive misconception that you humans have" came a slightly high pitched male voice, I turned around, seeing 3 imp creatures surrounding me, 2 of them wielded guns while the 3rd held a massive battleaxe,
"but regardless, how the fuck did you get here through the portal!?" the larger of the 2 gun wielding imps demanded,
"portal?" I questioned "What portal?"
"it's clear with his confusion that he came through by accident" came a bored and uninterested sounding female voice from nearby, I looked over and saw a wolf-like girl on her phone, an odd blue book under her arm "i told you that I still needed to figure the portal spell out, that, if done incorrectly, I could've, which obviously, I have, allowed a human to pass through, either by accident, like with him, or by one discovering the portal"
"couldn't you have studied that book more thoroughly?" the smaller male imp shot at her,
"shut your face, fatty" the wolf girl shot back "it's not easy the first time"
"why don't you try and practice" he got knocked back as a pot plant was tossed at his head,
"why you fucking do it yourself and see how easy it is"
"WHY DON'T YOU BOTH SHUT UP, YOU'RE GIVING ME A HEADACHE!" I yelled out, causing all of them to look at me "look, it's clear that she's not skilled with...whatever she was meant to do, but that doesn't give you the right to abuse her"
"hey, she started it from day one" the imp said
"shut up Moxxie, no-one cares" the larger male imp said "and what he said about Loony is none of your business, so, here's the deal, you either go back to earth and forget about what you saw here, or I'll shoot you right now"
"but sir?" Moxxie protested, placing his hand on the flintlock pistol the larger imp was pointing at me "you know our policy, not to shoot humans unless they're our targets"
"targets?" I questioned,
"well yeah, we happen to be assassins" I looked at the other imp who just spoke up "we've only just started, and the book that Loona has is to help us with said job, going to earth and offing anyone we're paid to kill" I looked back over at the wolf girl, seeing some odd glyphs on the cover of said book,
"interesting" I muttered
"and I'm telling you Mox, if we don't kill him, he will alert someone to us" I looked over at Moxxie and the taller imp who were arguing this whole time "and I say, the sooner we do it, the less he knows"
"and if we do kill him, sir, then we run the risk of him coming back here to deal with us" Moxxie replied, the taller imp's face dropped
"oh, Christ on a stick, I completely forgot about that" he said "well I guess we'll need to send him back, Loonie, think you can re-open the portal"
"i can try" Loona responded, opening the book and flicking to a page near the front, her eyes widening before flicking back a few pages "oh shit" she said, all of us looking at her,
"what is it Loona?" the female imp asked, Loona looking at me
"i think, this talks about him" she said, all 4 of them looking at me now "it says "a human who crosses into hell, via a portal created by spells within this grimore, shall be contacted by the king for his demonic mission, thus they cannot return, for death shall claim them within a rotation" fuck if I know what that means"
"i think it means that Lucifer might pay him a visit" Moxxie said, they all looked at him "what? Lucifer is the king of hell, so it's only logical"
"but I thought Satan was the leader of hell?" I questioned,
"another misconception human's have" the female imp said "Satan is the Prince of the Wrath Ring, while Lucifer rules over the whole of hell from here in the Pride Ring"
"i see, damn, looks like religion is choking on it's own blood with all of that" I stated "but what did that mean about death claiming the human within a rotation"
"probably means that if we send you back, you'll die 24 hours later" the taller imp theorised "ah, shit, guess that means that you're staying here then"
"looks like it"
"well then, name's Blitzø, the o is silent" he introduced "that there is Millie" he pointed to the female imp "Moxxie, and Loona, my daughter"
"adopted" Loona quickly added,
"nice to meet all of you, my name is Jet" I responded,
"well Jet, until Lucifer decides to pay you a visit, how would you like to be our intern here?" Blitzø offered,
"sounds like a good offer, but, where would I stay?" I asked quickly,
"me and Mox don't have much room at our place" Millie stated,
"and I have the only room at our place" Loona added
"so I guess that the best place for you to stay would be here" Blitzø announced, as if proud of this,
"wouldn't that be a bit improper sir?" Moxxie questioned
"nonsense Moxxie, it's simple, should Lucifer come looking for our human here, he'd want to try and find him at the very place he arrived at" Blitzø surmised, Moxxie opened his mouth to argue
"you have a good point there" he admitted
"speaking of, what exactly is this place" I asked, looking around the office,
"this the office of the Immediate Murder Professionals" Blitzø announced proudly "or I.M.P. for short, quite the achievement for the lowest hell class"
"what do you mean by that?"
"Moxxie, explain"
"it's like this" Moxxie started "hell is divided into several layers of class, the lowest are the imps and the hell-hounds, mainly because our kind reproduce in great numbers, directly above us are the hellborn, other native species that reproduce in similar numbers to humans, next up are sinners, which are humans that are reincarnated here after dying on earth, depending on how powerful they were in life, they can ascend into the next level; the overlords, basically, the more power you have on earth, the more power you can have here"
"so, people like presidents and mafia dons get there?" I questioned
"yes, additionally, in extremely rare cases, some hellborns can become overlords, next above them there are the Ars Goetia, a group of mainly bird demons which are a low class of royalty, next up we have 6 of the 7 sins, Satan, Mammon, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Asmodius and Belphagor, they rule over the Wrath, Gluttony, Greed, Envy, Lust and Sloth rings respectively, and some have celebrity status, over them are the queen and princess of hell, Lilith and Charlie Morningstar, wife and daughter to the highest class and king of hell; Lucifer"
"that's a fair bit to take in" I admitted, trying to absorb all of that information,
"yeah, well, you'll figure it all out in time" Blitzø said dismissively,
"but it is nice to have someone else working with us" Millie said excitedly, I smiled, then looked at Moxxie,
"is she usually this excited?" I asked,
"only when she's not feeling bloodthirsty" he replied
"regardless, while you're staying here, you won't just be our intern, but also our maintenance guy and janitor, seeing as you'll be living here" Blitzø quickly said "in the meantime, you can go fetch us some coffee, I'll take and Iced frappuccino"
"a regular with 2 sugars" added Millie,
"black straight with no extras" said Loona
"I'll have a Neapolitan cappuccino, more cappu- than -ccino, make sure it's got no more than four ounces of milk; the beans won't have the right texture otherwise, and make sure they spell my name correctly on the cup-they always put "Foxy" or "Roxy"; I hate that. If they can't handle that, then I'll have a Venti traditional misto. Please use soy milk, with two blond shots affogato and ristretto! I'd also love... three vanilla pumps at the very bottom, then add the coffee after, then add-"
"whoa, whoa, whoa Moxxie" I managed to say "mind writing that down so that I wont forget when halfway there"
"sure, if it'll make it easier for you" he replied, writing down his order before I added the others' orders to it as well.
I managed to get to and from the coffee shop without any issue, though I did get some looks from other hellborn and some sinners, at least I thought that they were sinners, since I don't know what all hellborn looked like, but I did return and handed the coffee out to the four of them, whom, while I was gone, managed to set up a makeshift bed for me, which in this case, was just an old blanket and a mouldy pillow on the sofa in the reception area, but I wasn't going to complain, additionally, Moxxie and Millie were going to bring and leave some extra food for me while I "lived" here, I did my duties of being an intern and maintainer of the I.M.P. office, slowly getting to know the imps and hellhound, slowly managing to get the latter out of her shell,
"so, why did you fax Moxxie a flyer that he mistook as a weight-loss ad?" I questioned after the business had started getting some notoriety,
"because he's easy to bully and his reactions are hilarious" Loona replied neutrally, hiding a sly grin that I managed to catch "and him mistaking it for weight-loss is just extra fuel"
"you do you I guess" I replied, glancing at a calendar on the wall, seeing that it had been a whole 3 weeks since arriving, and Lucifer still hadn't appeared, what I didn't know at the time, is that was all about to change, and soon.
hope you enjoyed the start of the fic, yes, i know that the pilot is non-canon, but i decided to reference an event during it, seeing the "sorry i fucked your husband" event is still canon to the series, but i hope you all are looking forward to the next chapter, coming soon