Jacen stood looking out the window as the sun came up over Skyhold, frowning. He knew he was losing his memories. Sometimes it didn't bother him, but as he was left alone with his thoughts, waiting for Siara to wake up, it upset him.
"You're lost, fading, dancing into nothing. All that's left is a sense of duty. To protect her."
Jacen barely glanced around at Cole as he entered the room before he looked back out the window.
"I still have glimpses of what I used to be," Jacen muttered, frowning deeply as he stared blankly at the courtyard below him, "but I'm losing them. All I know for certain is that Siara is important to me, and a sense that she is important to what I have to do. And that man, Anders. He's important to me, but in a different way. And that I was - that I am - angry with him for something. I've just forgotten what."
"Frustrated, fighting to remember… but it's too late. You can't go back to what you once were. I'm sorry, the only way to feel better is to let it take you. Accept what you're becoming."
"I don't know if I'm quite ready for that yet."
"It won't be easy, but you'll feel better when you do."
"I can't. Not until I know she will be all right. She has to be. If she's not, then I cannot fulfil my duty."
Jacen looked around as Siara stirred, rolling over and cracking one eye open. She glared at Cole.
"Cole," she said, "how many times do I have to tell you to stay out of my room unless you're invited?"
"But he keeps inviting me."
"There is no one there," Siara sounded cross. "Get out. It's bad enough you came in here without permission, worse that you did it when I'm hung over."
Cole looked back around at Jacen.
"But he needs help."
"If you don't get out now, you'll need help. Of the medical kind."
Jacen looked around at Cole and nodded, silently assuring the boy that it was all right to leave. He looked reluctant, but Cole silently left the room. Jacen made sure to look away as Siara stumbled out of bed, watching as some of the inhabitants of Skyhold moved around in the garden below. He found it fascinating, watching them milling around their daily lives. Yet he knew that once upon a time, it would have simply been normal to him. Knowing that was almost painful, in a way.
He could see Anders below, a rushed mix of emotions sweeping through him briefly before once again being replaced with the emotionless void.
There was someone else within Anders that Jacen could almost see. A sense of someone else. Jacen knew there was a spirit sharing the body with Anders, he just wasn't sure what kind of spirit. Or maybe he did, and he just couldn't quite remember.
A scowl passed across his face and he angrily turned away, following after Siara as she left the room.
Siara's first stop was to the gardens to splash water on her face. Anders and Morrigan were deep in conversation when she arrived; she was too hung over to deal with Anders' shit at that moment anyway, so she just drew up some water, splashed her face, took a moment to curse Bull for talking her into that drinking game, and left.
She made her way into the main building in Skyhold, glancing around for Varric. She hadn't yet had much of a chance to talk to him and get his thoughts about the Anders situation. It was another conversation she wasn't looking forward to having, but he would still be infinitely better about it than Cullen was.
As she was thinking that, Cullen, Josephine, and Jacquelyn emerged from the direction of the War Table. Siara couldn't help but scowl. She may have tried to drink all her anger away, she may even be in the process of getting over her hatred of templars with Ser Barris' help, but that didn't mean she was even close to forgiving and forgetting what Cullen had said. He had gone way too far.
She stayed standing off to the side, vaguely listening to their various topics of discussion. They were just finishing talking about sending Bull and Blackwall off to the Western Approach. Of course, Jacquelyn would accompany them, but there were a few things that still needed addressing.
Such as Josephine heading off to try to prevent a war breaking out between Nevara and Tevinter. Previously, they had been working together to fight Venatori. Now, however, they were fighting over the stretch of land between their two nations.
"I shall begin making preparations," Josephine was saying. "With any luck, I will be able to leave for the border shortly."
Siara raised an eyebrow, seeing an opportunity. She needed to get away from Skyhold for a while. Away from Anders and the drama of him simply being present at Skyhold. Away from Cullen. She didn't take long to make her mind up, striding over to the trio.
"Siara," Cullen looked uncomfortable about her presence, as though he was trying to figure out what to say. Jacquelyn looked at him quizzically, seeing that there was something up.
Siara just ignored him, looking directly at Josephine.
"You're heading out?" she asked.
"I am," the ambassador replied. "The situation between Nevarra and Tevinter is getting tense. I'm headed there as soon as possible to try and save the situation."
"Mind if I tag along? I can act as a personal escort, if you will. Perhaps even a bodyguard."
Josephine smiled, seeming happy about the idea.
"That would be appreciated," she said, "but we should check with your main employers first."
She looked to Jacquelyn, then to Cullen.
"I can see no problem with it," Jacquelyn said, still eyeing Cullen up a little. The Commander shifted a little uncomfortably, frowning slightly. It took him a moment to speak.
"Josephine would be safer if Siara went," he conceded. Siara smiled at the ambassador.
"Send word when you're ready to leave," she said. "I'll go get my stuff together."
She turned and left the room, Cullen watching her awkwardly as she left. He felt like he should have tried to say something to her, almost felt like he shouldn't have agreed to her acting as Josephine's escort. Equally, he felt as though sending her away for a time would be beneficial to the both of him. He was still angry at her for keeping the information about Anders from them, for sticking up for Anders, but more than that he now regretted what he had said to her.
Jacquelyn could see the mix of emotion on his face, looking from him to where Siara had left the room, unsure if she should be concerned about what was going on between them.
"All right," Jacquelyn said, closing the door to Cullen's office behind them, "speak. What was that about?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Cullen started sifting through the papers on his desk, trying to hide his discomfort. He didn't want to be having this conversation.
"You and Siara were getting along," Jacquelyn pressed, "and now you can barely look at each other. What has happened?"
Cullen sighed deeply, reluctantly looking up from his papers. He met Jacquelyn's eyes, shoulders slumping slightly.
"We had a rather… heated discussion," he admitted. "She wanted to talk about Anders. I didn't listen, and I said some things that I shouldn't have."
"Such as?"
"It's not my place to say."
Jacquelyn crossed over to him and pulled him away from his desk slightly, turning him to face her. She wrapped her arms around him, gazing up into his face.
"Was it truly that bad?" she asked. Secretly she was rather pleased that Siara and Cullen had fallen out, but she wanted to support Cullen. He was clearly upset, and she wanted to take that pain away. In whatever way she could.
"Worse," he admitted.
Jacquelyn gave him a light squeeze as Cullen idly ran one of his hands through her hair.
"I am sure everything will be all right."
"I'm glad one of us is," he sighed. "This isn't the first incident like this. The first one that has involved another person, perhaps, but recently I've just been feeling so…" he pulled away, walking over to the window and looking out of it. He frowned, struggling to find the words. Not wanting to admit to the anger that he had been feeling, the weakness. The call of the lyrium.
But Siara had once made an off handed comment about healthy relationships. And Cullen trusted Jacquelyn. He loved her. If he couldn't talk to her about this, then who could he trust?
"I should be taking it," he muttered, barely talking above a whisper. Part of him hated himself for saying it, but he was beginning to believe it. There was a moment of silence, and then he felt Jacquelyn once again wrap her arms around him, resting her cheek against his shoulder.
"I should be taking it."