A/N: I'm going to be busy tomorrow when I usually update, so instead of forgetting and updating late I figured I would update early. Hopefully next week things will be returning to normal. Hope you enjoy the chapter!
For a moment Siara couldn't feel anything. The air sounded like it was buzzing, the clashing of steel and screaming of defeated demons fading away into nothing. She stared at where the rift had been, for a moment unable to think anything except that the last person who knew Jacen as well as she did was gone. That she had lost her brother again.
But this wasn't the time, and it wasn't the place.
She realised that her legs weren't supporting herself anymore, that the only thing keeping her up had been Garrett's arm around her. She started taking her own weight again, letting her grip on Garrett weaken.
"I'm okay," she told him. "You can let go now."
She felt him slowly let go, almost cautiously. It was as if he was afraid of what she might do, or that he was afraid she wasn't yet ready to support herself. But Siara was fine. She couldn't let herself not be fine. Not here. Not now. She knew that if she let herself fall apart, she wouldn't be able to pull herself back together again. So instead, she turned her attention to the area around her. The Inquisition and the Wardens were cheering as the last of the demons fell, destroyed when Jacquelyn had closed the rift. Siara wasn't entirely sure how, she hadn't been paying enough attention to it.
Jacquelyn stepped forward slightly, placing herself somewhere that everyone could see her. Siara wanted to hate her, wanted to hold her responsible for the loss of yet another person that she cared about. But she couldn't. Jacquelyn had just been doing what she had to. Justice had even asked her to close the rift, so how was Siara supposed to hold Jacquelyn's actions against her? Jacquelyn was a bitch for a great many things, and Siara knew that there would be many more things she did to make her a bitch, but closing the rift was not one of them. Even though Siara wished that Jacquelyn could have kept it open for a bit longer.
Stroud limped forward, clutching his side. Siara hadn't noticed him get injured in the Fade, but then again, she hadn't been able to see a lot. Thankfully, her sight had returned as soon as she was out of the Fade. Or as much as was going to, anyway.
"With the Nightmare banished, Corypheus lost both his Warden mages and his demon army," Stroud said. "But in the stories the soldiers will tell, their Inquisitor broke the spell with the Maker's blessing."
"What matters more than the stories told is that they survived to tell them," Jacquelyn replied. "And who is to say that the Maker did not have a hand in our success?"
"I suspect that this will not be the last story they tell about you."
At that moment, another familiar face appeared. Siara was almost happy to see that Jim made it through the battle in one piece. He didn't even seem to have sustained any injuries, which was good.
"Inquisitor, the archdemon flew off as soon as you disappeared," he reported. "The Venatori magister is unconscious but alive. Commander Cullen thought you might wish to deal with him yourself."
Siara saw the subtle shift in Jacquelyn's stance, the way her facial expression became softer. She looked a bit relieved. Her precious commander was still alive. Siara's eyes fell to the ground for a moment and she did her best to keep her face blank, but she could feel her own jaw clench slightly. Hawke reached out and gently took her hand, giving it a quick squeeze. She glanced around at him, but hardly reacted other than that, trying to remind herself that now was not the time to be letting her more complicated emotions in. Now was not the time to be trying to figure things out. There were too many people around, and Siara sure as anything wasn't going to let Jacquelyn see her in an emotionally vulnerable state.
"As for the Wardens, those who weren't corrupted helped us fight the demons."
A Warden in full armour strode up while Jim was finishing his report. He saluted Jacquelyn with a hand on his chest.
"We stand ready to help make up for Clarel's… tragic mistake," he said.
"No one has seen Anders since the ledge collapsed," Jim continued. "We assumed he was with you."
This time Siara didn't react. She just felt empty. Alone. She barely even blinked at the mention of Anders, her mind going blank.
"Anders chose to stay behind to strike a blow at the heart of the enemy," Jacquelyn replied, her voice holding a cold, sharp edge to it. "He did it as his way to attempt to make amends for his actions in the past."
The Warden turned to Stroud as Jacquelyn finished talking. There weren't many people who seemed particularly upset about Anders being gone, which Siara wasn't particularly surprised about. She wasn't even entirely certain about how Varric would feel. They'd been friends, but she wasn't sure Varric had forgiven Anders for exactly what he did. She didn't even know if they'd spoken when Anders had been at Skyhold.
"Stroud, you're the senior surviving Grey Warden. What do we do now?"
"You leave," Jacquelyn spoke before Stroud could, her voice harsh and unforgiving. "The unfortunate truth is that you are still vulnerable to Corypheus. We have lost enough good people fighting corrupted Wardens. By the authority of the Inquisition, you are banished from southern Thedas. Stroud will oversee your return to the Warden fortress at Weisshaupt."
There were many shared looks among Wardens and Inquisition members alike.
"Is she being serious?" Hawke muttered, quiet enough so only Siara could hear.
"Of course she is," Siara half looked around at him. "You weren't particularly happy with the Wardens, either, not that long ago."
Hawke frowned at her slightly, but Siara looked back at the scene before them before he could reply. She knew that what she said might have been a bit harsh. Garrett could be a bit of a hot head, and she knew that was the main reason behind how he'd acted in the Fade.
"Your Worship," Blackwall said after a moment, seeming to have shaken himself out of the moment of disapproving shock, "I would stay, if you allow it, and continue the fight."
"Of course, Blackwall," Jacquelyn did her best to smile at him. "You are a good man, and your loyalties have never been questioned."
Stroud seemed to simply be accepting Jacquelyn's decision, not saying anything to argue against her. Perhaps he believed she was making the correct decision, or maybe he just didn't see the point in arguing. Siara didn't know him well enough to be able to tell.
"Maker watch over your Inquisition," he said. "It has been an honour."
"Stroud," Garrett stepped forward and extended a hand to the Warden. Stroud smiled, clasping Garrett's forearm with firm grip. Garrett returned the gesture, giving him a nod.
"I'll see you around, my friend," he said. Chances were good that he would, too. Who knew where Garrett and Isabela would travel to.
With that, Stroud and the Wardens left. There was nothing else to say, and they had a long journey ahead of them.
Siara made her way straight for her tent. She just wanted to be alone, she wanted to sleep. She just wanted to shut the rest of the world away and pretend that nothing was happening.
She knew that Garrett was following her, that he didn't want to leave her alone. She wished that he would, but knew that it was unlikely he was going to unless she managed to persuade him that she was okay. So she kept all her walls up, kept her face blank, and even tried to smile to a few of the soldiers that stopped to congratulate her on the battle as she walked by.
"You know you don't have to do that," Hawke said as the tent flaps closed behind them, leaving them alone.
Siara frowned at him slightly as she went about removing her weapons and armour, setting them aside for cleaning later.
"Do what?"
"Pretend that you're okay."
"Who says I'm pretending? I'm fine, Garrett. Really."
He scoffed, shaking his head.
"Right. Sure. That's totally believable," he started ticking things off on his fingers. "You got thrown into the Fade. You found out that your dead brother has somehow become a spirit of Duty - which would be a lot for anyone, but it gets better. You encountered who knows how many fear demons. And your last real connections to your brother, Anders and Justice, decided to sacrifice themselves, supposedly as a way to make up for past sins. Which let's face it, we all know that it's actually because Anders couldn't cope with knowing that Jacen had become Duty, and that he was probably going to lose control of Justice because of it upon their return to this realm."
Siara looked away, jaw set determinedly.
"I'm fine."
Garrett sighed, shaking his head again.
"You don't have to pretend with me, Siara. You never did. I know you're probably feeling alone and confused right now, if you've even worked out how to feel."
Now Siara was shaking her head, her eyes closing for a moment before she made eye contact with Garrett again.
"Don't you get it?" she asked. "As soon as I let myself…" she stopped, once again looking away. She sighed, frowning, trying to figure out what it was exactly that she wanted to say.
Garrett didn't interrupt her. He knew she'd hadn't been the best at allowing herself to be vulnerable since she and Mara were attacked by the templars.
"As soon as I let myself fall apart, I'm not going to be able to put myself back together again."
"You don't have to figure it out on your own," Garrett stepped towards her. "You have friends, Siara. Not everyone has left you. There's Varric, Aveline, Fenris, Merrill, Isabela, Carver. Hell, even Sebastian. Everyone from the old days. Me. Your friends from Skyhold. You seem pretty close with Bull, even Solas seems to be warming up to you. You still have a family."
By now Siara couldn't hold back anymore, silent tears falling down her cheeks. She angrily wiped them away, muttering to herself something that Garreett couldn't hear. He just reached out and pulled her into a hug, Siara burying her face into his chest and giving up. She just let herself cry.