Regulus was scared.
But honestly, that wasn't something surprising to him. Being scared seemed to be a second nature by now, something that came naturally to him. There were moments where his fear took the backseat and let him cope with what had happened, for a while... other times, it was all-consuming and he couldn't do anything but sit there, or lie there, half-expecting Aurors to burst in and take them all.
At least he'd managed to stop crying. The tears had simply... dried up. He'd used them all. He couldn't cry even if he wanted to, but that was a good thing—he was ten years old. He wasn't supposed to be crying. His body was merely doing him a favour.
But the tears had made way for a lasting feeling of dread and an exhaustion he felt in his bones. He had to drag himself out of bed in the morning, he had to drag himself through the day. He had no company to make things easier for him, he had nothing.
Bellatrix had left that same day they arrived at Uncle Alphard's, as she was busy working for the Dark Lord and doing her own thing... Kreacher had gone back to 12 Grimmauld Place to keep an eye out... Sirius, Andromeda and Narcissa were in school, and contacting them could have disastrous consequences for both parties involved... and Mother, Father and Uncle Alphard absolutely refused to talk to him.
He'd tried to get them to talk. He'd told them what Evan had told them, back in Diagon Alley, but they'd just laughed at him and sent him away. No, it didn't matter that Evan had filled him in on the important bits. It didn't matter that Evan said you couldn't be too young—he still was. And that just wasn't fair, because he was a part of this just as much as they were. He had the right to know what was going on. It was his life, too.
But he was too tired to argue, to afraid to go against them. He knew he couldn't change their minds either way. Perhaps if Bella had still been here... but even she seemed to think of him as a silly child. Still, he'd gladly have contacted Bella, to ask her if she could persuade his parents and uncle. He'd contact Evan as well, if he could—he'd know what was going on.
But he couldn't. So he didn't. Because the fear was stronger than the helplessness, the fear of what could happen to those he cared about was so devastating he did everything as asked. Just in case.
But he was jealous. Of Evan, for being included. Of grownups, for being old enough to know. He was even jealous of his brother. He was learning so much at Hogwarts—and not just in class or from teachers. He didn't have to listen to 'no contact' rules, he would had Evan (and others) to talk to. He had people who could help him figure out what was going on.
He'd just have to interrogate his brother over the Christmas holidays.
Christmas...
There was a knock on the door and he tore his eyes away from the ceiling. Mother came in with some food as usual. He sat up and took the food. The uncomfortable silence didn't make his stay here any better. It actually made it a million times worse.
It had gone on for too long. Sometimes he caught himself hoping that they could just go back home, perhaps isolate themselves there as they did before Sirius took off for Hogwarts... yes, he had hated the isolation back then. He had missed out on his tenth birthday party, who wouldn't be mad about that? But thinking back, it was more than he could imagine. He had had everything. He hadn't been afraid, simply worried about his brother, that's all. That had been all that was on his little mind back then.
It almost made him laugh just thinking about it, but Mother still stood there, awkwardly watching him. But he wasn't about to break the silence. She's the one who wouldn't talk to him about important matters, so he didn't have to talk to her about unimportant ones.
She looked at him as if she wanted to say something, then shook her head and left. Typical, he thought. Grownups were weak. They knew he was having bad dreams, he'd told them several times before. He remembered when he was little, they used to hold him after a bad dream, cradle him until he fell back asleep. Now it was a curt 'it's just a dream' and that was all. They expected him to just... carry on. But how could he?
How could they expect he just went on with things when nothing was the same, when he was stuck here, without his brother, with parents and an uncle who wouldn't talk to him, with not even a house elf or puffskein for company?
How could he just move on when he couldn't sleep, where he couldn't even rest because every time he closed his eyes he kept seeing those flashes of green, he kept hearing the screams and his cousin's laughter, he kept being overwhelmed by fear as if he was ducking away from those jets of red light all over again.
How could they just expect him to be fine?
He sighed. It was no use getting angry now. It was already late October and nothing seemed likely to change anytime soon. Getting mad wouldn't fix that. He'd already got mad too often, as his parents liked to remind him. He had no business getting worked up about these matters.
He took a few bites of his food. Bland, tasteless. It wasn't Kreacher's. It hadn't been Kreacher's in forever. He'd tried calling the elf, of course he had... Kreacher hadn't come. He hoped that even if they couldn't be home for Christmas, Kreacher could at least prepare the meal. A Christmas feast was meant to taste good.
Were there house elves at Hogwarts, or would Sirius be eating the same disgusting food right now? Or perhaps they had better cooks at Hogwarts. His parents were... disappointing in that field.
Would they let Sirius come home for Christmas even if they were still stuck here, or would Sirius have to spend Christmas at Hogwarts? So many questions he couldn't ask, because they wouldn't give him the answers he desired.
There was another knock on the door and he let out a groan in frustration. Couldn't they let him eat in peace?
The door opened and for a split second he froze as something black swept in, a hooded figure. Then the figure put down the hood and he relaxed.
Bellatrix.
"Scared you, did I?"
"No. Wasn't scared..."
"Sure," she said, grinning. She sat down next to him on the bed. "So, how have you been?"
He shrugged. "OK, I think."
"Good boy." She patted him on the back.
He mustered a smile. "I'm glad you're here."
"As am I. It's been too long since I visited."
He had to agree with that—she hadn't visited. At all.
"I've missed you."
"Well, I'm here now."
He sighed. Yeah, she was. And yet... he couldn't look at her the same way. When he saw her face, he pictured her gleeful smile, her chilling laugh, the way she stood there between those Aurors...
He put the remainder of his food on the beside table and looked at her. She seemed to be calm, at peace. Did she think about what happened? Did it keep her up at night as it did for him?
"May I... I mean, I have a question..."
"Ask," she said, "go ahead. I'll answer."
He nodded. OK, he could do that. Finally someone who was willing to listen, to answer, and he wasn't sure where to start.
"What happened to those Aurors?"
"I killed them," she replied matter-of-factly.
"But... how? I mean, where are they now? What happened?"
"The Killing Curse is a very powerful curse," she explained. "It causes instant death. It's final, they're gone, there's no coming back from death."
"So... if they're gone, where did they go?"
She shook her head. "Questions like these..."
"What?" Couldn't he just ask that?
"It's just that... we don't know. Nobody knows. All we know is that when you die, you stop living, and there's no way to come back."
Regulus let out a quiet "Oh". That wasn't very helpful. It didn't actually answer his questions, it only brought him more...
"Maybe you can work at the Ministry when you're older, they have people who are trying to get to the bottom of this."
"Of death?"
She nodded. "So you'll need to work very hard for such a job, but I think you can do it."
"I hope so," he murmured. Could he really? Maybe he'd help find out what came after death. What death actually was, how to defeat it, how to carry it out... how did it work?
"What was it like..."
"To take their lives?"
He nodded, although it was a little bit unsettling that she had just known what he wanted to ask. Or perhaps he was simply... predictable. Too predictable.
She was silent and for a moment he thought she wouldn't answer his question, that he had crossed a line asking something so personal. Then, she spoke.
"It depends. There are people who can't live with it. They're consumed by remorse and regret, and they try to undo what they did. Of course, this is impossible; death is finite—you can't undo it."
Was she consumed by remorse and regret? Had she been trying to undo it? That didn't seem likely. She had chased them, killed them and laughed about it, she had danced. She was not amongst these people she described.
"What is it like for you?"
"What makes you think I'm different?"
He fought the urge to roll his eyes and let her know that she made it so obvious it would be hard not to think of her as 'different' when it came to dealing with matters such as these.
She chuckled softly. "Some people deserve what they have coming. Take those Aurors, they chose death the moment they targeted our family. They sealed their fate when they went after you. I could have done much worse—oh, how I wish I had done much worse! But they can't get to you now. You're safe from them."
"That's just what happened. But what's it like?"
She reached out an arm and cupped his cheek. "Close your eyes, that's it... imagine you're face-to-face with someone. Someone once powerful, strong, a capable wizard. You brought him to his knees. He's begging you for mercy, he's begging you to spare his family, he's begging you to make it quick. Painless. He knows his fate. He has accepted it, he has surrendered his life—you are like a God in that moment, you have the power to let him live, or to take what is rightfully yours..."
A flash of green went through his mind and he flinched back, instinctively opening his eyes. Bella grabbed his shoulders and forced him closer, staring into his eyes. There was something burning in her eyes, something threatening to come out and rip out his throat, like in the scary stories Sirius used to make up when he was very little...
"The man dies, Regulus. He dies and it gives you strength to carry on."
He swallowed hard and tried to nod.
She released one of his shoulders and took out her wand. "It's all in the flick of a wand. All the power the universe holds... mine to yield. Why shouldn't I make use of it?"
Was that a genuine question? "It's w-wrong. Killing is wrong..."
"Wrong? What do you truly know of right and wrong, my dear cousin? You are young, naive... Right and wrong are simple constructs of society. We are Blacks. We are above such things. Remember that."
He forced himself to nod again.
"You're scared," she stated, "I can see it in your eyes."
There was no point in lying to her, saying he wasn't. So he nodded.
"There's no need to be. I'm not going to hurt you."
Another silence followed, and she released his other shoulder. She put away her wand and held up her hands. "See? I'm harmless."
Bella, harmless? He flashed her a small smile. That was impossible.
"Look," she said, "you like this, right?"
She pulled up her left sleeve, revealing the skull and the snake again. It hadn't changed, exactly, but the colours were different. Instead of being black it was a fiery red. He looked at her, then back at the mark. She was right, he did like it, although it was better in black.
"This is what we do it for, dear cousin. Your parents—they don't understand. They'll never understand. But I know you have what it takes, you are strong, you believe, don't you?"
He frowned. "Believe what?"
She shook her head. "You don't get it, do you? We do it for this," she exclaimed, holding up her left arm. "We do it for the Dark Lord—tell me, Regulus, what do you know about him?"
He flinched back at her sudden change in tone. What did he know about him? Not as much as he could've if people just talked to him...
"Evan," he mumbled, "he... he told me he's... well... I don't know..."
"The Dark Lord is there to help. We – his friends, his confidants – have the task of carrying out his plan. This includes killing, yes, but it is worth it. Even if you don't like killing, it is justified by the cause."
He was about to ask what 'the cause' was, when there was a knock on his bedroom door for the third time that day.
Uncle Alphard walked in. "Awfully sorry to disturb this little get-together, but some of us are actually wanting to know what that oh-so-important news is."
"Oops!" Bellatrix let her sleeve fall back and got up from the bed. "Come, Regulus, I completely forgot—I have something exciting to tell you all."
Something exciting? He followed her and Uncle Alphard to the sitting room, where Mother and Fatger were already waiting.
He sat down in between his parents on the sofa. Bellatrix cleared her throat dramatically. "Good evening, everyone. I've got some good news—the Ministry is changing some tactics and-"
"Changing what tactics?"
"Well, Auntie Walburga, perhaps if you were to listen-"
"Bellatrix!" Father interjected, "just get on with it."
"Fine. You're no longer targeted. Nobody is—word got out that the 'suspects' they've been chasing have done nothing suspicious and don't warrant Aurors chasing them ten-to-one just because of their blood status... Abraxas might have had something to do with 'persuading' some people who work at the Ministry to tell the truth... and there's been uproar."
"So now what happens?"
She smirked. "Hit Wizards will pick up this case and they'll go looking for the culprits, but they might be looking for the wrong people..."
"Might?" Uncle Alphard asked. "Bellatrix, what did you do?"
"Me? I did nothing at all. Or did I?"
"Thank you," Mother said.
"It's a relief, for sure," Father agreed. "But we have to remain cautious. All of us—including you."
"Me?" Bellatrix scoffed, "seriously, Uncle? You dare accuse me of not being cautious, of not being careful, after everything I've done for you the past month?"
"You're reckless-"
"I am no such thing! You know what, forget it," she turned on her heel, rushing off.
"Bella!" Regulus yelled after her, getting up from the sofa but his father held him down. "Let me go—I've got to—Bella!"
Bellatrix briefly reappeared in the doorway. "I'm sorry, Reg. But my efforts are clearly not appreciated."
"I appreciate them! You saved me-" but she had already left.
"She murdered them, Regulus," Father said coolly. "There was no need for murder, now look where her actions got us."