A/N - I don't really like doing notes but felt compelled to for this one. I'd be grateful if you could read it should you wish to leave a review about the direction. Thank you.
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Callie had indeed dropped Sofia round Meredith's for the night, this was going to be the big one, the one that tested their resolve. Yes, they had reconciled previously, but they hadn't really had a conversation, they had reconnected physically, but not emotionally. If they were honest, their relationship post-event was doomed to fail because they simply didn't address this issue.
Whilst Arizona had placed herself on the couch again, Callie was torn between the space next to her and the armchair which sat further down. She looked at each spot several times, weighing the positives and negatives. Each time she looked at the armchair, Arizona's eyes would try to gauge Callie's thoughts, she could read her person like no other, but she was finding it tough to get any emotional signs from her features.
Please pick the couch Calliope, please sit next to me, near me, let me hold you, touch you, feel you. I need you here Calliope, please.
As if hearing Arizona's silent pleas, after contemplating it a few more times, Callie sat on the couch. There had been very little talking prior about this subject, their conversation in the stairwell earlier was the first time since Callie's attack it had been raised. Neither knew they couldn't put it off any longer. It was so obviously in their face that neither of them even mentioned the surgeon by name. It was intentional on Callie's part, and Arizona picked up on it immediately.
They sat there for a few seconds, Arizona trying desperately to understand anything her person was thinking, it was impossible, Callie had completely closed off. "I have questions, questions you have to answer, you cannot ignore them, no matter how hard they are." Callie's voice was void of emotion. "Do you understand?"
Arizona's heart started to race, except for admitting it was a mistake, she had hardly addressed the incident. Partly because she didn't want to face it, partly because Callie never approached it, and partly because, well, she had no excuse and didn't know what to say. Callie hadn't even bothered grabbing a box of tissues, she already had a fistful in her hand. She was shaking, ever so slightly, but to a woman who knew every movement her body made, it was clear as day. The life and energy in that same room last night after their date had gone. Vanished.
"Why didn't you apologise for sleeping with her? Is it because you don't regret it?"
The first part of that question came as no surprise, she realised a while ago she had never apologised for cheating. Surely that would have been the first thing she did. Then she inwardly chastised herself, remembering the shouting match where she said Callie had no right to play the victim in the plane crash and then threatening to retrieve the bone saw to 'even the score'. No, despite everything, she never told Callie she was sorry for what she did. She tried to steady her voice; she had no explanation. "I- I- don't know. I- I- was so angry, so angry at-"
"I didn't ask you why you did it Arizona, I asked why you've never apologised for it."
It was cold, it sent ice through the blonde's veins. Wiping away early tears before fiddling with her dampened hands in her lap, she tried again. "I don't know why Callie, I- I- think back and honest to god I thought it- it was the first thing I did, said how sorry I was. I don't think about that time of my life, I- I- I do everything to not think about the biggest mistake of my life". She looked up, to gauge a reaction but the brunette's gaze was focused on the tissue she was folding. She continued, "So I can't tell you why I never said sorry, because everything at that time is a blur. Bu- but Callie, Calliope, I am so, so sorry for what I did and the hurt I caused you. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't regret it, that I'm not sorry for what I did, not a single day." She chanced another look, Callie's focus still locked on her tissue. "I never, ever thought I'd be a person who betrayed a relationship, never thought I'd break a heart who belonged to me, and I theirs. I know we've covered PTSD and coping, and it's no excuse I know that, I know that, but it wasn't to do with love, lust, passion, excitement, betrayal, not even anger Calliope, it was an action, an action where maybe instant gratitude was sought but Calliope, it wasn't, god Callie. It wasn't. I will apologise to you every day if I have to."
Callie didn't acknowledge the answer, maybe because in doing so she'd have to accept or reject the explanation, and at that moment in time, she didn't have the strength to do either. She had never wanted to know specifics, visualise the act, think about her then-wife wrapped together with someone else's body, but she had to know. Voice barely above a whisper. "Did you use your mouth on her?"
Arizona shook her head vehemently. "No."
Callie's head was still down but still managed a visible nod. "Did she did use her mouth on you?"
Again, Arizona shook her head, she could barely breathe, let alone talk, but she managed. "No."
No acknowledgement this time, but Callie received the answer she had somewhat been hoping for. How can you be hoping for a specific answer when describing an affair? A question for the ages. Her voice was beyond broken; the next question was probably going to be the hardest to ask. The act of sex was obviously heartbreaking, it's the biggest betrayal, but the brunette struggled to get her question out, it made her sick, she had a headache and her heart was beating at an unknown pace. She struggled and only about after 10 attempts did she manage to ask. "Did you kiss her?"
The blonde nodded silently and her head dropped. All of a sudden Callie let go of everything she had been holding in and cried. It wasn't simply tears; it was sobbing. Arizona couldn't decipher the emotion, maybe because at that point, Callie was too shattered to show anything else other than devastation. Arizona's throat was dry, she swallowed lump after lump that had formed in her throat, so much so that after a while she thought she'd lose the ability to do so. She didn't know whether she should comfort Callie or give her space, as mentioned a few evenings ago, there was no handbook for this. The only noise apart from Callie's sobs were a clock on the wall Sofia insisted she get because it chimed every hour and the odd car drive past the house.
Silence. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…
After who knows how long, Callie's tears started to subside and her breathing even out.
Neither had said a word, neither broke the silence, neither moved, neither did anything other than sit there and feel… empty. The act of kissing is personal, it requires heads & minds to be in sync, for mouth to seek mouth. It's the first passionate task you embrace with your lover. You hold their face close; you wrap your arm round their neck, you're so in that you pull their hair just for something to make you closer to that person. You pull them in, you breath heavily into their mouth, you essentially lock bodies. For Callie, a kiss meant a connection. Before this talk, she thought the act of sex would be what would trigger the tears, but she realised it was more. The thought of Arizona enjoying an emotional connection that should have only been reserved for her, she felt her inside ache.
Again, Arizona knew Callie needed, if not deserved, an explanation. She too knew the reason why this had set Callie off. "Yes Callie I did, but again, I swear to you with everything I have, it meant nothing. There was no feeling of joy, of closeness, of anything. It was frenzied, with nothing behind it. When you and I kiss, god Callie, when we kiss I feel alive, I feel everything and more, you make me so happy when you pull me in, the way you smile when you're leaning in, the way you caress my lips, hold my cheek, pull my hair, your lips keep me alive Callie, the kisses we've shared over these past few weeks have meant everything and more. I only feel you Calliope, only, your kisses give me life, make me want to live, make me face the day."
Callie continued to remain stoic, she couldn't land on one emotion, probably why she was hardly acknowledging any answer. It was heartbreaking for Arizona her pleas were seemingly falling on deaf ears. "Who instigated it?"
"I'm clearly not blameless in this, and please, please understand when I try to explain it you won't think I'm dismissing my responsibility in this. But she pursued me, she saw my weakness, played to my broken ego, manipulated me to make it feel like she was the only one who could feel something for me, to think I was attractive." She tightened her already closed eyes. "I wasn't a strong person at the time Calliope, not in the way I thought I was. I was suffering with my mental health as a result of the crash and the notion of consequences just wasn't there. I've had to climb to where I am, over these past few years, but after the crash I was a shell. She told me we could lose control." She paused "I locked the door to the on-call room."
Apparently Callie did have more tears to shed, the locking of the door was a deliberate step that not only permitted the act, but encouraged. Her slight trembling had returned, Arizona couldn't look at her.
Silence. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
"Did you think about me? Is that why it was so easy to do?"
Arizona creased her face, willing for no more tears to fall, but they did. She looked up, Callie's head hung as low as it could, her voice was as vulnerable as she'd ever heard. Her confident stance, how she held herself, her belief in herself… gone. Arizona still didn't know whether to move closer, but she refrained, knowing Callie needed verbal answers.
"Callie, Callie, please, please look at me", no response. "I- I- I didn't, I simply didn't. At that point I had nothing in mind other than trying to feel, wanting to feel. Feel anything other than pain, anger at the world. At that time, you didn't exist, the love I had, the love I still have, it was obsolete, it was invalid, it was totally void. Please, please Callie-."
"Did you think about Sofia?"
A knife through her heart. Arizona shook her head; her explanation was the same.
Callie's voice broke again, "Was I not satisfying enough? Was she better than me?"
Her complete void of confidence broke Arizona even more, if that was possible at this point. Somewhere, deep in her broken body and mind, she found the resolve to answer the question as firmly and honestly as she could. "No one is better than you Calliope, ever, it's not even a question I should answer because it's so obvious to me, but I know I have to. She was nowhere near as good as you, as us, together, no one ever will be for me." She had strengthened her resolve somewhat with that answer. "You were, are, everything to me Calliope. How you t- touch me, make love to me, care for me, love me… I've never experienced that before and I know you're the only person who could ever make me feel that way. You were and always will be the most satisfying lover and soul I'll ever know. Not only do you satisfy me sexually, but intelligently, spiritually… everything Calliope. I love the way our bodies fit, our hands, our lips, our minds… when we cuddle I feel complete content, like nothing else matters. What happened had nothing to do with emotion or gratification."
"Did she touch you in a way I never could?"
Arizona knew she couldn't get angry; she had no right to. Callie probably had these questions saved up for years, she deserved an explanation, god knows she'd want one. "No Callie, no one will ever compare to how you play my body, no one." She didn't elaborate, she had explained this numerous times and just wanted to clearly and succinctly get it out in a short burst, so as not to leave any doubt once and for all to that question. Callie was everything to her, if the situation wasn't as it was, Arizona would have scoffed, as ridiculous as Callie's doubts were.
"Did you enjoy it?"
Vehemently, once more. "No." Again, no further explanation given. It was fact. If Callie needed more she'd try to explain more, but essentially she didn't, when you're numb, you feel nothing. Callie's eyes were bloodshot red, but with absolutely nothing flickering behind. Arizona was sure neither had anymore tears left.
"Did you do it to get back at me for cutting off your leg?"
This question was made worse by what Arizona learned after, it was Karev who performed the amputation, not her wife. Yes, Callie had given the order, but it wasn't for shits & giggles, it was to save her life. A life that she now cherished more than anything, basked in the glow of her daughter's smile, thrived in saving tiny incubated humans and, very recently, became whole again by becoming one with Calliope Torres. "I-I don't, maybe, I don't know Callie, I can sit here and say no it wasn't but after you- you found out, what I said about the bone saw…", her voice broke, "I think it was part of it. But I swear with everything I have Calliope, everything, I know you gave the order to save my life. A life that I will forever be grateful to have because I have you, I have you and I have Sofia." She sat further back on the couch, surely there were no more tears left.
They sat there. In complete silence. Again. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
As the time slowly passed, Callie mustered up everything she had and pushed herself up. She let out a deep breath and picked up some discarded tissues. Arizona studied her intensely, again trying to understand, wondering what her next moves would be.
"I think I'm going to stay at mine tonight."
Panic, sheer panic ran through Arizona's veins. She knew this conversation was going to be the hardest, she knew this would push them to the limit. Because they had reconciled last time, she didn't think Callie would up and leave, naïve of her or not.
"Pl- please don- don't Ca-Callie."
She held up her hand to stop the blonde from continuing, she had heard all that she needed. However, the next words out of her mouth shocked them both. "I'm not angry Arizona, so we're not going to sleep on a fight."
Despite being stunned, and that it didn't appear their relationship was over before it started, Arizona didn't find comfort in her person's words. "But we're not on good terms, are we?"
"I don't think we can be after that."
Heart racing, "…ever again?"
Callie hadn't met her gaze once during that conversation, but did look up after hearing the desperation. Staring back up at her was an equally broken soul. Yes Callie was the one wronged, but if she wanted to move forward with their relationship, even if it was just as friends, she needed to try and understand the blonde's state of mind at that time, and if she shared a space with her, is she remained in the house that night, she wouldn't.
"No Arizona, not 'ever again', I just need time to process everything. After the crash I did some research on PTSD, but after the affair", she leant her head back to stay away the tears, "I assumed it was done through resentment, because I didn't keep a promise I had no right in making." They both briefly adverted their eyes, they both believed in some degree that if Callie hadn't specifically promised, things may have turned out differently. But no time to dwell on that now. "So I need time, I need time to get my head around everything you've said tonight." She took a breath. "I need to understand your mind set at the time, everything you said about coping with what happened. I'm still not sure if you did purposefully to get revenge on me", Arizona placed her hand over her eyes and tried to hide in silent sobs, "but I know the Arizona in front of me would never do that. You're not spiteful, you went through something harrowing, grief and coping manifest differently. I was just as broken as you, it's just I wasn't impacted physically."
The blonde knew the loss of Mark, their daughter's father, her best friend, devastated Callie. Add to that the mourning she'd done, believing the love of her life had died in the crash too. The realisation she became a sole parent overnight and would have to move on, for their daughter. But hindsight is wonderful, and at the time, as Callie didn't lose a limb, it wasn't as important.
She continued. "This is the first time you've spoken to me about it, said you were sorry, and I know I'm equally to blame in parts because I never asked, and I didn't attend that first therapy session. But honestly Arizona, I shouldn't have needed to be in there, that was for you to figure your stuff out. To understand yourself why you did it so we could move on. You never did attend one more after that, so again, I can only think it's because you had no remorse, even if you said it was a mistake. Because words mean nothing if there's no genuine sentiment behind them."
Silence. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
"I'm going to pack a bag; can you call me a cab?"
Barely above a whisper. "Sure." Arizona wasn't going to argue. She called their preferred cab company and provided both addresses. During that time Callie had made her way upstairs and came back down clutching a bag. It wasn't an empty threat, she was serious, she was genuinely leaving. Trying to steady her voice, trying desperately so this conversation wasn't how they ended their night, she asked, "can I ask you a question?"
Callie nodded.
"Will you ever forgive me?" Her voice was weak. "Because if you can't, if you can't move on from what I did, if we can't move on, then this won't work, it didn't last time, not really, and it won't now." Arizona Robbins was a shell. "So if you want to leave for your place tonight, as much as it pains me, I will accept it." She was offering the brunette a way out. If she couldn't forgive her, they'd never be able to commit fully again. "I will walk away, I will be the one to break us again, so you don't have to live with the guilt of not sticking round."
Callie seemingly ignored the offer, focusing instead on the issue of trust. "Even after everything, everything that happened with Boswell, I never distrusted you, I never thought you'd do it again." The blonde knew what the word 'again' was leading up to. "Then Leah Murphy. Do you have any explanation for that? Dr 10+ times? I mean how satisfying must she have been for you to keep going back for more? You had sex with her more times than you did with me since the crash." Boswell always broke Callie, Murphy made her angry.
Without missing a beat, Arizona's reply was simple, with no hesitation or confusion. "I thought we were over". For her that reason was (just about) good enough, but she knew it wasn't for Callie. Truth be told if the shoe was on the other foot… "I know we were still married, I know that, but I genuinely thought we were done. I was destroyed, I had lost my family, my family that meant more to me than life itself, that means everything. I felt nothing, so I screwed an intern with no thought of repercussions". She was unmoved. "I was lonely, distraught and knew I had thrown away my life. If I didn't have a heart to break anymore, then screw everyone else right?"
Silence. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
"I'm going to stand outsid-"
"No, no wait, you don't get to leave, not now, not yet." The blonde moved in closer. "If I had known, and I promise you with everything I have left in me, that there was even the most remote chance of us reconciling, moving on, in being in this place right here, right now, it would never have happened Calliope, never." She winced. "I was a horrible person to her, I think she developed feelings for me but she meant nothing to me. She had fallen for me and I knew I could call her when I needed to. I was lonely and used her. I'm not proud of that person, but then I'm not proud of any of my actions…" she drifted off, she had no more words left to say.
Close up, Callie could see her posture, it was limp, defeated.
"You're not a bad person Arizona, despite what we've spoken about tonight. You made mistakes, we all have, yours is adultery." That stung the blonde. "For me, that's the biggest betrayal. After George, and being humiliated, I promised myself never again. You knew how that affected me, so I just, I just need some time." It was all she could say.
Arizona had to accept it but chanced her own question. "Do you have a good memory?"
Silence. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
Honestly, at that point Callie couldn't think straight. "I liked the dinner you made the other night; Sofia really enjoyed the homemade ice cream we made." It was Arizona's turn to sob, that's not what she hoped. She wanted Callie to remember a time where they were blissfully happy, where they had made each other laugh, remembered when she was truly in love with her. But the memory she has is a memory she was barely there for. Callie & Sofia had made the ice-cream, Arizona had simply come home and put the dinner on.
As a car horn sounded outside, Arizona's last desperate pleas to stay fell on deaf ears. With a sad nod, Callie opened the door and left.
After steadying herself, she knew she was done, the conversation had wiped the life straight out of her. She walked round the house, checking everything was locked, alarms were set and the sides were cleaned. She was lost in a foggy haze, she was numb, she was broken. She went upstairs, leant on the doorframe and stared at her bed. She stared for 10 minutes, she didn't even know why she was staring at it, what it achieved, what she thought might magically happen. Then she remembered, in the back of her mind, something she had hoped, hope that was surely all but gone. She thought after their date next Thursday, Callie would agree to sleep together in her bed. Not have sex, make love or whatever you want to call it, but to sleep, cuddle, laugh, touch, share a tender moment and she could enjoy the first night's blissful sleep she'd have in years.
She looked at the empty bed one more time, then closed the door.
She made her way to the guest room. There were still bits of Callie's in there, it appeared she had genuinely just packed a bag for overnight, that was somewhat reassuring. She saw Callie's 'Ortho Goddess' hoody that Owen had got her in Secret Santa one year. Whilst she had stood at her own doorway for 10 minutes, she didn't hesitate here. She grabbed the hoody, pulled it over her head and climbed into the bed that Callie had occupied for over the past few weeks. She sunk her head into the pillow to try and get as much of her scent in as possible. And even though she was sure she had no more tears to cry, she did, and they fell as hard as they ever fell.
Maybe she'd have felt a slight warmth, slight reassurance, if she had noticed her John Hopkins hoody was missing from her room, that the brunette had put it in her bag before leaving for the night.
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A/N - I decided to do a fairly long note because people have very strong opposite opinions on this event. I wanted to explain my thoughts and rationale, people love them as a couple but will always side with one in most instances.
I found this chapter cathartic to write but also stressful. People are always going to have opposing views on this specific subject - some say the cheating was due to PTSD and some say Arizona cheated, plain and simple, no excuses.
For me, we never saw enough of the journey to state either reason as fact. I adore Arizona, but my opinion/writing on their relationship is based specifically on what was shown on the show. There was no acceptance/acknowledgement of Arizona's PTSD after the crash or her seeking/being given support, so if you have no idea what PTSD even is, you are left to simply think Arizona is nasty and manipulative. I think they did her character a huge disservice.
Personally, I could never forgive the betrayal, so I found it hard to justify Arizona's reasoning, but I hope I did do it some justice. Callie & Arizona forever right? Right. I hope this doesn't come across as too preachy, I just wanted to explain my thoughts and reasoning for how I'm writing this specific incident.
And FYI, this is Callie's most important issue chapter, Arizona's is coming within the next few, it's not one sided.