Constantine the Laughing Magician Presents; Life in the Real World –

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Let's have some fun with ole' Johnny, shall we?

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Chapter 28: Kingdom of the Bloody Court – Take Two!

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~ Evading a pack if wild dogs, mate? Easy Peasy. Evading a pack of dogs- specifically night hounds, that are controlled by the horsemen of the bleedin' apocalypse into a dark a foreboding forest off of a damned cliff?

Priceless, I'd say.

My mate and I may come out and tell you HOW we eventually threw the horse persons into the watery grave where the now rest. May they, amen. Or, or….? We lot could just tend to our real story. Stopping Dracula from committing a crime so treasonous as to convert an entire rave of fae dwelling within his Duke – dom.

I'll wait. Tell me when you're ready to pick a scenario here. This isn't fuckin' pick your story time, mind you. So…. could you be conscience of my work and…. pick a damn ending!!?? ~

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The castle was up ahead- wait? You chose a time jump!? What a letdown. Any – waaay!

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Liz had her eye on the Count as he proceeded to remain unaware of her presence. Zee was…...hopefully in a better place….

Alive! Damn it! Did you think I meant! …. Never mind all of that….you lot are just as vicious yourselves for thinking something as gory as I'm putting up with here. Bloody ' hell, you Gen Z brats these days. No respect for the underdog…sigh…

Any way…. man, damn I need to lie down…

His name, my bloke on the right is Van Helsing. This world is choked full of literary copies. I thought for sure he'd be sleaze than their depiction, well. He's right pissed and you know why, mates? I, was his replacement. The vamps almost tore him limb from limb while he exposed their plan and was shot in the back. You think you know a person.

"John? Are voices talk to you, comrade?"

I blink. He's onto us…would it hurt to give a fourth wall break on this man. Behind the times as he is?

Nod yes, if you think old Johnny should.

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"You are constantly…." Helsinki was fast, yet that cloak made him a lightweight in broad daylight. It was day when I had his attention then. We chose to storm the castle to find my crew mate in the day hours. He said that below the castle, the vampires could die faster and would be ill prepared and weak enough to stake through their bleeding chests.

I could not agree more, yet is it really true that this head vamp cannot die in sunlight like in the movies? I picture ash fading faster, honestly. Might have to revisit my archives to jot down any new material. Future hunters could learn a thing or two.

He's half-blood sucking vamp himself. Those fangs gave it away, easy. I keep my distance, until my head gets ready to pop off. Helping looked at me as I cradle my noggin.

"You have been bitten, brother??"

"No….why….damn…drag…"

The noise level rises and cloaked coroners play their organs wise around our frames in the center of that room. They trap us and I see the new blood amid their poignant little circle.

Helsing hisses and I groan before Dracula comes round and his smile , has me wary.

He clasps his hands together with an obvious smirk of a villain. I know a few copies I can name. He'd be no individualist on my world.

"John, you have returned to us. I was afraid you might have gotten far. And you brought a little friend along?"

"This ally is not your own, sire. Your crime will be punished as was intended –

"I remember your voice, you are…. the hunter!"

I feel a slap at that. Did he really not guess? The vagabonds disguise and the foul stink of alcohol from shrooms was a better cover than I gave Helly any credit for.

"No matter."

"Try on some new material, mate." I quip, fed up with this trope for the death of me. "Give it up, you'll never beat this mad man and I know why."

Dragul has my attention, I. His.

"You believe he has the power to allow my empire to crumble down, magi? You should have come sooner…. your friend wasn't happy to have to wait for so long."

Friend? I had Liz, but she –

Zee.

Zee had the dragon's aid, yet had it failed? Where were their battalions as promised??

Fr –

I turn. No.

He wasn't my friend, ever.

A hit to the skull with that gauntlet had me seeing double.

What was his plan…that no good hunter, as I collapse and am scooped up by so many hungry children of the bleeding night.

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Ow.

And double ow!!

Liz isn't there. Only Dracula, his servants and his bloodstained agent of chaos.

Damned Helsing. I looked up to him, damn.

"You sold me out then? Was this all part of your scheme from before, mate?"

Helsing stands away as I put dome effort into my bindings. A platform I'm on. Stone, for a sacrificial offering? So, very medieval. Maybe pre at the sight of his handiwork. "You didn't need modern tech to put this all together, did'ja? Dracula. You have my attention now, so….what is your end result then? Kill me? I have mayes who will want to know where I am. This was a mission by the council and you intercepted that call."

"Dead is dead to me, but no. You come from another plsne and I would gladly let you gain back your mortality to see into that void for me. As my servant." He leans into the rock and I budge. Shit. He wants to use me to spy on the team? What is really happening as we speak? Did flying monkeys subjugate the human race yet? I'd love to see that hat trick.

I'm in a dungeon with a count and his two other crew members. I think I should push a little more to see past these walls a tad…it's worth a shot. "Alright, if you do as you say. Have me as your agent to infiltrate the surface dwellers," He cocks a brow and I inwardly chuckle, " Then for my sake, would you let me have a word with the traitor over there? Last requests are a noble thing."

"Does he wish to speak, I wonder?" Dracula heard me, he turns to Hells and I nod back. He's over my arm and we get things started under the scope. "On my wait, bloke." He accent… is honestly adorable. I could listen to it on replay all day. "Good job, so?"

We stop with him growling at me. Having me shiting my briefs as he pulls back. Good call, mate. You know your double cross material.

On the signal.

"He cannot move, so might we weaken his resolve, sire?"

"You think the honor belongs to a hunter?" Dracula chuckles.

"You should be slid across the back as well for your disobedience, puppet!" The vamps' fangs have his two other servants cowering back into the wall. Damn pansies. "It is as you will it, my lord." He'd better have a plan-

The damned man is being tied to the – damn it, he's an idiot!!

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We both, we two. Sacrificed to hungry monsters. I got my teeth and he is just. Calm. Bloody calm. "You didn't plan well ahead, mate?"

"He found out the spell on me was gone. I appreciate your concern-

"I'M CONCERNED ABOUT DYING NEXT TO A WANNABE HUNTER."

Dracula circles our slab and Hells doesn't speak. "As you.will –

"I knew you were false in your devotion. Your side of the blood we gave to you cannot be convinced. I am sick of being ignored!" Dracula spits in his face. I have to deflect a bit of demon spittle as well. What a day.

"Why not kill us, then? Do it! Or….are you finding out that you can't plan shit without the both of us?"

"You. Not him." Dracula frowns. "John, your world sounds as difficult to please as I. There is so much to see, so many to feed off of –

"Humans are the least of your concern, demon." I spit back. "If you think your gods will make those booties quake, wait until you meet my mates on MY home world. You're nothing new, you're not even a cut above the rest. Copy. Cat."

"COPY??" Scoffed the count. "I am the original, monster from your tales! I have no equal in measure-

"YAWN." I droll out. "Say that a tad louder? I think I'm going a might deaf in one ear." Grinning at him, he looks viper tough to me. Then, Hells laughs. "My comrade is correct! You know nothing if our kind. Resilient, strong. The fae are fools to fall under your power when you have none to keep our attention, monster lord! To think, I almost admired your work in past battles. All of your followers should find a new king to chastise! Aha!"

Damn, he'd been off this all along?

I get it.

The two servants are giggling a heavy dose behind us, so I join in. What's the harm? Plenty.

Batman and Joker. He damn well WANTED to emasculate a god!!

By George, good work fido!

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The demon lord?

"More like being bored! I al sick of these plans when none go along to commit. We should be ruling! Not drooling over our victims! Aha! The monster hunter is correct. Comrade! Comrade!" The group against Count What's his face grows. I start to see the shift and laugh even harder.

"Stop it!! I am….I am all powerful!"

"No, armies will tell you that. Did you think I was here to play the games your maidens play with your cock? I have no need to bow before someone as tiny. You really do need a mother's milk to wean your position, majesty!"

Ooh, this was…a real roast! Happy to oblige!

"He can say things like that to him?"

"WE ALL SHOULD TRY IT!"

They throw such slander about that I can see blood trickling from the king's earlobes. Then, I see a little bit of why that laughter is so potent. The bitten boy from earlier comes over and unlocks the shackles of Hells and I. Hells grins, but I try to stifle my chuckle. He shoves a vile into my palms. "Take it. You are free to go. I will have enough strength to castrate that man for a fifteen hundredth time."

"Not..ehe….your first date, bloke?"

"Never with him."

Oh….

My head is swimming so I take the vial amd drink down the poison until I can see the smoke. He drugged them. Like me, and he's actually unaffected!

"That is why they call you the bloody great!" I grin at him. "Seeing' you around then. Leave some for the papers tomorrow. I want to keep mine in the archive room back home."

"I'll be sure to send it to you, first thing off the tablet."

I nod and head after my mates. Liz drags me out and we watch no more as the legend, Van Helsing puts the overlord back into his coffin for another day.

Hours later, the cavalry DOES arrive and Zee has made nice with the council of dragons. The cursed Fae are ….fine, I suppose but now?

"I believe that the queen is among them. Her son." Hells points to the bitten boy I first saw of poppy's lap. "You have freed us from the tyrant, sir Magi. Miss Magi and…spirit."

Liz rolls her eyes and we all think "goddess" would have been a safer touch. Hells still has blood on his coat, yet he wears it as a souvenir. "The throne of the half fae will be here. On these lands. We shall avoid terror as the Count had of us. Seeing as he is after all one of us –

"Wait…the fae were –

The boy grins and shows me his pointed chompers. "Did you think vampires were only monsters to yea? We siphon life, yes but emotional matters are far tastier I think."

I agree. "Energy vampires it is."

So, this was about warring clans. Not….the vamps we fought were people eaters. These guys….-

"Are psuedo empaths." Liz sighed as Zee shook her head. "How did I miss that one?"

"Never mind all of that, lov. You and Zee are sage and I'm ready to return to life as we had promised. The count is dead…"

"Well, he us a cursed being so…only if you keep his doors locked shut."

I blink at Zee. "He's no-

"Never mind it all…let's shove off, mates!"

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We zip through the portal to our home and thankfully, not a flying monkey in sight. Chaz drops hos tea and I spoil his mood in a good way. Maybe. He hits me over the head with a newspaper and Zee laughs at this tomfoolery we've gotten into upon our return. "Read this, you twat! You have to leave immediately, no butts, John!"

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Where are they off to now? Find out! New cameo coming up. The…. Question!!

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