Chapter 3

Flashback

Callie thought she was familiar with grief.

As a surgeon, she saw grief in the faces of families and friends who were given news that their loved ones succumbed to illness, to tragedy, to the call of death.

She felt grief for George's untimely death.

She felt immense grief over losing Mark. Her bestfriend. The one person in the world who never judged her, never looked down on her for her mistakes. He was there when everybody else had no difficulty leaving her.

What she didn't realize was that you can feel immense and prolonged grief for losing someone who was still alive, for having your heart shattered into very fine pieces by the very person you thought was the one who would protect your heart; shattered your heart enough that you didn't know if you could even pick up the pieces and put them back together.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

These were the five stages of grief. And people suffering from grief could go through them in a non-linear way, even go through several stages at the same time. Callie knew this off-handedly of course, but she didn't have the capability to fully understand them, not until that perfect storm.

Denial

For Callie, there was little to no stage of denial. She wasn't afforded that small mercy before life as she knew it was washed away by the torrents of the storm raging outside the hospital.

No, there was no denial available when the ring she thought signified the love she and Arizona had for each other was proudly displayed on the scrub top of another woman. Of someone her wife only knew for all of two days.

She couldn't bring up any sort of denial about what happened between Arizona and that overrated surgeon even as her wife stood there and let the other woman run her mouth and make their excuses.

Did the two of them think I was stupid? Or that I was somehow "less" because I was not a Carter Madison grant winner or a surgeon with "cutting-edge surgical technique"?

No, there was no denial afforded to Callie when her wife did not even apologize in the immediate aftermath.

What she got was more berating, more accusations, and more hurtful words.

There could be no denial when her wife screamed that she wasn't on the freaking plane, that she trusted her more than anyone, but she decided to cut off her leg.

"You want it?

The street cred?

The badge of honor?

The warrior wounds?

Then great. Stick out your leg, and I will go grab a bone saw, and let's even the score!"

Callie didn't know it then, but these words would play over and over again in her mind from then on.

Let's even the score? That was Arizona's reasoning for her cheating? Because all she heard that night was how she cut off her leg.

It always comes back to the leg.

Anger (and Hurt)

Since Callie was not lucky enough to have a sense of denial, her feelings understandably switched to anger.

The anger bubbled up inside her when Arizona went on about her night as if she didn't just break the heart of someone else. She stood there cooing over Derek and Meredith's baby with no care nor guilt. She deserved to be outed for what she was – a cheater.

If you were brazen enough to fuck someone else during working hours in the same place your spouse worked, the same hospital that you co-own with your wife and friends, at the time when everybody else was busy saving lives or worse, risking their lives to save lives including your wife, then you should also accept when other people in the same workplace knew about your extra-curricular activities.

If you were bold enough to fuck around the way Arizona did, you should be equally bold enough to be found out.

But wow. Arizona sure did show more concern about protecting her image than her marriage, huh?

Arizona was not even sorry. What sort of unfeeling monster could do that to someone they married? I decided to cut off her leg to save her life. Wasn't that what doctors do – life over limb? As a wife, was I supposed to let her die? Was it selfish of me to not have let her die?

The next time Arizona approached Callie that same stormy night, she was pushing for a conversation. But oh, she had to start off with Dr. Heather Brooks' condition, not about what she did.

Where was the remorse? Where was the contrition?

If you hurt someone, wasn't that the first thing you do – apologize? Say you were sorry? Well then. Arizona probably wasn't sorry. In fact, her main concern seemed to be being outed as she was – a cheater.

"Can we have a conversation?"

"Not now."

"And telling everyone, I guess I deserved that. But if we could just..."

"I said not now."

Arizona didn't say anything to Callie for weeks after her amputation before she turned to screaming at her instead, she sure as hell could last even just a day to let Callie stew over the fresh wound she willingly, and enjoyably, inflicted.

The dominant stage for anger passed by rather quickly for Callie. Because at the end of the day, she still loved her wife. She couldn't just turn off the love she had for Arizona. She was still very angry, yes. But warring and rising above that anger was the hurt.

It was that hurt that made her leave their apartment and seek refuge in a hotel when the weather finally cleared enough to be able to safely go home.

Home. Home for her had always been Arizona.

She didn't have a home anymore.

Meredith generously offered to have her stay at their house, but she didn't think the McDreamy's joy should be dimmed by the sorrow of someone whose life just got blown into smithereens.

It was both anger and hurt that made her walk out of the reception area of the therapist.

"Callie, I made a mistake. One mistake."

Arizona kept calling what she did a "mistake." As if her panties just magically dropped to the floor along with her morals. No, cheating was a choice.

"I've been picturing you screwing that woman over and over again. And I can't think about her or talk about her anymore. I'm all done with that for right now. So I'm not going into that room. But I think you should. I think you need to."

"No. Please. I really need to talk. I really need you to do this."

The time to talk was before you decided that cheating was far more a better option than breaking things off first with your wife. You needed me to do the therapy, but I needed you to be faithful. You could have screamed at me and I would not have flinched because by now, I was so used to it. I had months of practice after all, listening to your vitriol about how I cut off your leg and ruined your life.

But more prevalent in her heart when she walked away was the hurt. Hurt that even after several days, Arizona was still downplaying her infidelity. Even at the threat of their marriage completely breaking apart, there was still no contrition. At least her wife was honest in that regard, rather than giving her a false apology. She walked away hoping that Arizona would heed her suggestion to take therapy on her own. She needed it.

It was that anger and hurt that made her avoid her wife in the succeeding days, not that Arizona was making much of an effort. That should have clued her in, really, that her wife probably didn't care enough to see how much she hurt her.

And that was the state of their marriage, if there was still one, until the night of the fundraising gala.

Callie's POV

I feel so grossed out with myself. Seriously, Callie? Telling people that your wife died in the plane crash because you didn't know how to backtrack once Widow Amos took out her checkbook? Seriously?!

I'm glad I have Owen as a friend. He called me out on my wrongdoing, but he also understood how difficult things were. Ironic that I am finding solace in the words of someone who also cheated on their spouse. Maybe I should speak with Addison, too?

I'm stupid. Me and my stupid big mouth. Why do I keep falling face first in situations like this? I am not a mean person. While I am still very angry at my cheating slut of a wife, I have never been malicious nor vindictive by nature. George could attest to that, if he was still alive. But I am stupid, that I can admit.

Speaking of that wife, I probably should find her to explain my stupidity and apologize before some big mouth tells her what I said and completely miss the context of how her "death" came up in my conversations. Of course there's no excuse for it, but I could at least explain what was going on in my mind while I was being stupid.

Ha! Given how gossipy this hospital is, she probably already knows and added this instance to her list of "Devil Callie's fuck-ups against Good-Man-in-a-Storm-and-Miss-Perfect Arizona". Well then, more ammunition for her to justify all the horrible things she's done. As if she needed any more reason other than the amputation.

I saw intern Murphy and asked her if she knew where Arizona was.

"She's in the supply closet with Dr. Kepner."

Huh. What the heck is she doing in a supply closet? Now that I think about it, I haven't seen her in the party after that first time I laid my eyes on her.

I had already lifted my hand to knock on the supply closet door, but stopped as I heard the conversation inside.

"I'm sorry for calling you a cheater." Is that Kepner?

"I am though." Huh. Arizona finally admits that she is a cheater. Progress!

"I know."

I strained my ears to hear the next few words from my wife.

"She stared at me too. But the way she stared, felt really really good you know?

"The reason that I cheated that night... Someone was attracted to me. And she never knew me before. She only knew me after. And I was enough for her. And I'm not sure that Callie will ever make me feel that way."

I felt like a bullet ripped right through me. Even after everything that happened, Arizona threw the amputation back to my face when discussing about her infidelity. That was her reasoning.

But apparently, the true reason was something else.

Callie hurriedly left the spot she was standing on and was so out of it that she bumped into Owen.

"Torres? Callie? You look – Are you okay?" Owen asked with concern evident in his face.

"No," was Callie's simple response. Owen took her aside and asked her what happened. She said, "I don't want to be here anymore, Owen. I can't breathe. If I stay here, whatever is left of me will die."

Owen could see the beginning of a breakdown etched on Callie's face. He guided her into a nearby conference room and locked the door and pulled down the blinds. They needed some privacy for this. He turned around to see Callie sitting down on a chair slumped over with her head in her hands. "What happened?"

"I heard Arizona talking to Kepner, admitting that she liked how Boswell stared at her. That the reason she cheated was because someone was attracted to her that didn't know her before," Callie replied. She took a few deep breaths before continuing, "After I found out about them, she screamed at me. That she trusted me but I cut off her leg. That she should get a bone saw so we could even the score. I could take the screams, the hurtful words, Owen. Those were nothing new because it was all she did for months after the amputation. I could take it. To hear it again is nothing new. But to know that my wife, the love of my life, actively wanted and chose to cheat – I can't wrap my mind around it."

Owen stayed silent, waiting for Callie to continue.

"She told Kepner that the way Boswell looked at her felt really really good, that she doesn't know if I can make her feel that way. How am I supposed to change that? She made it sound like she cheated because I cut off her leg. But apparently, she wanted the attention she got from someone else." She paused, trying to gather herself, "I thought it was about getting even. But now I know that Arizona wanted it, wanted Lauren Boswell. I somehow think I could understand getting even. But this? This I don't think I can accept, Owen."

Owen didn't know what to say, so he just took a seat next to Callie and wrapped his arms around the now crying woman. They stayed that way for a couple of minutes until he felt Callie's breathing going back to normal.

"Thank you for letting me cry on you. I'm sorry to have messed up your plans tonight," Callie sincerely said.

Owen shrugged, "Not a problem. I was just heading home anyway."

Callie was quiet for a few moments before saying, "I can't be here anymore, Owen. Not in this hospital. I've been cheated on twice here. At least George was decent enough not to do the deed inside this hospital before he confessed. My wife doesn't follow the same adulterer etiquette, apparently." The anger was coming back up again, trying to override the hurt. Or was the anger a defense mechanism of her heart, trying to dispel the deep sadness, hurt and devastation that was lurking beneath, threatening to drown her?

"What's your plan, then?" Owen asked.

"Are you asking as a friend or as Chief of Surgery?"

"Right now, Torres, I think you need a friend."

Callie nodded her thanks, "I need to leave this hospital. I'll resign my position in the Board, and resign as a surgeon here."

"Where will you go?"

"I'm not sure, probably back to Miami, at least at first," Callie tentatively said. "My mom hasn't talked to me since I got married. But my dad would let me stay at their house. He won't turn me away."

Owen knew that making such big decisions while overwhelmed with emotions was not a good idea, "Torres, I can see you're hurting. Maybe give it a few days to think it over before deciding for sure?"

Callie took a short moment to consider Owen's words before responding, "Okay. I don't think I will change my mind about this. But if I do decide to move forward with my plan, is there any way I could leave right away? I know there's a notice period but... I really can't be here anymore, Owen."

Owen understood, "We can plan for that. I'll help you. Just keep that between the two of us, okay?"

"Okay."

As she promised Owen, Callie took a few days to really think it over. In the end, she decided she had to leave. Being around Arizona and knowing that she actively cheated was too much for her, it was driving her crazy. Talking to her wife wouldn't do much since she now knew Arizona wasn't honest with her, not even about her true reasons for choosing to cheat.

And as Owen promised Callie, he helped her make plans so that she could leave immediately upon filing her official resignation. As Chief, he was dismayed to let a surgeon of Callie's caliber go. But as someone who saw firsthand how devastated Callie was, he couldn't hold her back from leaving. Not when he knew it was the only way to save Callie from herself, to save her from drowning.

Callie packed the stuff she had with her in the hotel in just a few days. She took note of Arizona's schedule and went back to their apartment on her last night in Seattle before she flew to Miami. Thankfully, Arizona was scheduled for an extended shift, so she had enough time to pack her remaining belongings from their place.

As she gave the last of her boxes to the movers she hired to place her stuff in storage, she looked at her watch. She still had time.

Callie went around the apartment reminiscing about her days with Arizona.

She started in the kitchen. This was where Arizona told her not to leave for Portland and cleared up that they were in fact girlfriends.

She went to the living room, where she remembered dancing with Arizona in one of their earlier dates. She remembered falling asleep in her lingerie waiting for Arizona to come back from the hospital on her birthday, and to hear for the very first time that Arizona loved her. She remembered sitting on the sofa, cuddled up with her wife while watching movies on their ladies' nights with Bailey and Teddy.

She went to their bedroom last, remembering all of the intimate moments they shared here, the very first time they slept together, all their pizza nights on bed.

She sat down on Arizona's side of the bed and took her pillows to inhale her wife's scent for one final time, hoping to ingrain it to her memory.

This was it. While she truly loved Arizona, even now, she thought leaving was the right choice. For herself. For Arizona.

Callie took a folded piece of paper from her pocket, a letter she would leave for Arizona. There were a lot of things she wanted to say and explain to her wife, but she thought Arizona wouldn't care anyway. She hadn't cared about Callie for a long time, but she understood. So she kept her letter short and simple.

Arizona,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I failed as your doctor and cursed you into a life you didn't choose. I hope that in time, you would be able to live a life you find worth living.

I'm sorry I failed as your wife. May you find the love and attraction you deserve with the right person.

I'm sorry for all of the wrongs I have done to you.

I understand I'm the villain in your story. I accept that. I'm leaving. I won't bother you again, and I will try my best to keep away. You deserve your peace.

You are now fully in control of your life from this day forward. Be happy. Be free.

Goodbye,

Callie

Callie placed the letter on Arizona's bedside table. She took her wedding ring off her finger, looking at it one last time. She couldn't see the love they shared in this ring anymore; all she saw was how it signified the end of their marriage. So she left that on the table too.

But she would keep her heart necklace. As much as she was angry, hurt and devastated with the ending of their story, there was good in there too. And everything that was good was signified in this necklace.

Goodbye, Arizona. You are the love of my life.

Take care now.

Grief, they say, has its stages.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

They don't occur in order. They don't have a set amount of time. They come in waves.

And now, it was time for Callie to take on these waves and hope she had enough strength to survive.

[A/N] I hope I was able to give justice to how a betrayed spouse could possibly feel after discovering their partner's infidelity, at least on the initial stages.

Disclaimer: Arizona's reason for cheating was taken from 10x04 and 10x12, both while talking to Kepner. I didn't want to skew the reasoning given in the show, so these were as told by Arizona. I only left out the part about her complaints that Callie was trying to fix stuff, because at this point of the fic, they aren't fixing anything.