It's been soooo long since I posted for this story. I was scattered between too many stories, but then...I just can't hit pause for so long on this one. Especially when I'm getting the nicest reviews in spite of not updating for awhile.
LuvReading and Permanentlyexhaustedpigeon, thank you both for your loyalty! I always appreciate the reviews.

Kaycee, I'm sorry you were frustrated with this story. Thank you for reading and for your patience. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I can't promise things will necessarily move along faster, but appreciate you reading. (and understand if this story isn't for you with the slow-sloooooow-burn).

MarJan53, thank you for reading! I'm glad you're hoping for Chris and Lucy to become real! I kind of love them together.

Herschv, it may have been your review that nudged me back over to this story again. Thank you so much!

Sabina, your reviews are so, so kind and I appreciate them more than I can tell you. Your continued reviews most definitely kept me on track with updating this story, lol. Thank you for letting me know you're reading and enjoying it!

Chapter 32

"Thank you, Mary," Lucy said. The time at Mary's was a reprieve. No one needing to be stuck by her side protecting her. No one she had to watch her step around. Just Mary. Talking about her and Vin's growing up years, how Mary learned to work the printing press with her husband. Simple things. Happier times.

"Come visit any time," Mary said. "And I'll visit out at the ranch again when things…settle down."

Lucy nodded, understanding what Mary didn't say. There wouldn't be the promise of visitors at the ranch until Eli Joe was caught. Mary may be able to make it out there, but no guarantees if they got word he was on the move. Then she and Chris would be isolated out there. But…once Eli Joe turned up, he'd either be caught or she would be going back to Tuscosa with him. Either way, there wouldn't be any call for her to still be living out at the ranch. Living with Chris.

Thoughts of Chris had her lips tingling, her cheeks warming. And thoughts of leaving the ranch for good had a heaviness settling in her stomach.

"Do you want company walking back to the…the saloon?" Mary asked.

Lucy noticed the way Mary stumbled over the mention of her living arrangements. No doubt there wouldn't ever be a place for her in good company, once she left the ranch. Not with two shams of marriages behind her and her time living above a saloon.

She shook off the melancholy and squared her shoulders. "I'll be fine."

Mary nodded.

Lucy walked down the stairs. In the alley, she looked both directions.

The shadows were growing long, evening setting in and heavy clouds rolling in. With a shudder at the cold breeze dusting down the alley, she moved with quick steps out to the street.

Every time she went out on her own, it was easier. Still, she hurried the distance between the Mary's apartment above the Clarion office and the saloon.

There was some measure of comfort knowing there would be one of the familiar men on the other side of the swinging doors when she went through them.

Since the light was dim outside, it didn't take her eyes any time to adjust to the light of the saloon. She looked toward Ezra's regular table. For once, there wasn't a pile of money and men with cards across from him. Instead he had a game of solitaire laid out in front of him.

She ducked her head and started toward the stairs.

"Miss Lucy," Ezra called to her. "Care to take a seat?" he asked easily.

She hesitated. Just knowing her brother's friends would be here had been comfort enough. She had no desire to impose.

"Please," Ezra gestured toward the empty table. "If you don't want to retire yet, I'd enjoy the company."

It was early, too early really to go to her room, so she started toward the table.

"Can I interest you in a hand of poker?" he asked.

Lucy shook her head, but took a chair. Not clear across the table from him, she didn't like the idea of being closer to the other patrons than one of the men her brother trusted. But not directly next to him, either.

"Your brother and young Billy were by awhile ago. Can I escort you to them? They may be at the café. Or the jail."

Lucy shook her head, not about to have Ezra go out in the growing wind, and not too fond of the idea of heading out in the approaching storm herself.

"Hey! Lucy!"

Lucy turned to see Buck approaching, JD at his side.

"Where's Larabee? Ain't seen him all day. Or your brother."

"He…" Lucy faltered at the mention of Chris. Even when they were in town, she usually was still at his side for most of the time. What was she supposed to tell Buck? That she had brazenly kissed Chris and he was angry now? "I…I was visiting Mary," she said, trying to explain why she didn't know where her brother or Chris were.

Buck nodded, taking the explanation in stride and not pushing for more. He pulled a chair out and dragged it a little ways, giving her some distance before he dropped down into it. "What's on the menu tonight, Ezra?"

JD pulled out another chair. Lucy's attention was on the men filling the table, rather than Ezra's answer.

Buck was growing familiar to her. His boisterous voice, generally filled with humor, could also quiet, filled with a sensitivity that belied his height. She relaxed slightly in his presence. The days he had stayed out at the ranch during Chris' illness had given her time to watch him and Chris together. Neither man changed for the worse, even when Buck brought out the moonshine.

Ezra motioned to Inez, indicating they would each take a plate of whatever the kitchen was serving.

"And another round of drinks," Buck added.

Lucy pushed her chair back. "I'll give Inez a hand."

Ezra and Buck both started to push their chairs back.

"You stay put. I can help her," Buck said. Judging by the glint in his eye, Lucy thought his help had more to do with attempting to woo Inez than carrying plates or getting drinks. She hesitated, unsure if she should voice a protest or simply sit there while Buck did woman's work, and in the space of her indecision, Bucky strode toward the kitchen, cheerfully calling to Inez that he planned to kiss the cook.

A low rumble started, then grew into full throated thunder outdoors. Memories of thunder all but shaking the thin walls of Eli Joe's cabin surfaced with the sound. But eventually the thunder would be nothing more than a distant background noise to his rage.

"You ok, Lucy?"

JD's voice drew her back from the memories that started crowding her. She blinked. Saw the pity in Ezra's eyes.

She lifted her chin slightly. She was about to try to find the words to say she was fine, but lightning flashed through the windows and she turned reflexively to look towards it.

Another flash of light and the doors swung open, a lean figure coming through them.

Lucy quickly looked down at her lap. Her nerves, already jarred by the thunder outside, jangled unsteadily.

Chris approached the table. She sensed him hesitating when he saw her before circling over to the other side of the table and pulling out a chair.

"Hey, Chris," JD greeted him.

Lucy kept her eyes down, but heard his grunt of acknowledgment.

Thunder rolled again. This time is was layered with a sharp crack. She flinched in her seat.

She heard Inez give Chris a warm greeting and say she'd be right back with a drink for him, then set plates in front of Ezra and JD. Buck set a plate in front of Lucy and one in his place.

Another flash of lightning.

Eli Joe's men would crowd into the cabin on nights like this. They'd take all the seats around the table, unwashed bodies starting to make the close air pungent. And then they'd start drinking. Keep drinking.

"I'll get that drink for him," Buck said. "Need a refill myself."

When Buck brought two mugs back, Lucy risked a look. Chris' face was closed off. Unreadable. He took a long swallow of the drink. When he set it down, his eyes met hers. The green was hot with emotion. Lucy hadn't expected that. She had expected coolness. Disdain.

Lucy quickly dropped her eyes again. None of this made sense.

She tried to pick up her fork and take a bite of food, but another crack of thunder jolted her.

The men spoke companionably around her.

This was nothing like being in the cabin with Eli Joe and his gang. These men laughed on occasion, but it was good natured.

A steady thrumming started. Rain on the building.

Lucy gave up on the food and dropped her hands. She gripped the edge of her chair beneath the table.

The thunder came more frequently. The rain built until it was lashing against the exterior.

Lucy's heart pounded in her throat. The sounds brought back the feel of fists on her. Raucous laughter at her mistreatment.

She stood quickly, then realized her mistake as all eyes at the table lifted to her.

She stood awkwardly.

"I…I…" She needed space. An escape. She didn't want them to see her fall apart. Not when it was nothing more than memories attacking her. Nothing real. But it still felt real.

"I'm going to turn in." Automatically, her eyes went to Chris, seeking permission.

He grimaced and took another drink.

Right. He didn't like when she did that.

She didn't belong here. She couldn't—couldn't leave behind what she had been. What Eli Joe had made her.

Lightning flashed the same time thunder clapped directly overhead. Lucy jumped and fisted her hands in the folds of her skirt.

Rather than risk more of an attempt at an explanation, or any words at all, she bit down hard on her lip and hurried toward the stairs. She fought the urge to take them two at a time, but did lift her skirt enough to all but run up them. Running for safety.

#

Chris watched Lucy's retreat. Because that's what it was, a retreat. She had looked panicked. Overwhelmed.

He should have known better. He had lived with her for how many weeks and knew some of what her experience was with Eli Joe. He had no idea if there had been any man before that. And he hadn't done much to change whatever experience she had, pushing for more than she was comfortable with. And now she was getting away from him as quickly as she could.

Thunder boomed, loud enough to feel the reverberation in his chest, lightning slicing through the dim saloon at the same time. In that flash of light, he saw Lucy at the top of the stairs jump, grip the banister like she was holding onto it to keep her from being carried away by the storm.

He thought of the night she had cut her hand. Finding her in the kitchen, nearly out of her mind with terror when he came into the kitchen. It had been storming that night, too. Had she already been terrified, before he set foot in the kitchen? He frowned, trying to remember more than her desperation to get away from him that night, hand bloodied and too panicked to let him anywhere near her.

Maybe she wasn't just getting away from him.

She startled easily. Maybe the thunder got to her.

Thinking of Lucy upstairs and in a fright, alone and scared, had him pushing his chair back.

"Callin' it a night early," he said.

He wouldn't crowd Lucy. Just knock on her door and make sure the storm wasn't riling her up any. See she was ok and head to his own room where he could spend the night lambasting himself for how he was made things worse for her.

The door to her room was closed tight. Chris second guessed himself, something he wasn't used to doing. He was pretty sure he was near to the last person she'd want at her door. But he didn't want to think about Lucy being scared and alone. Maybe he could go round up her brother for her if she wasn't of a mind to be on her own.

With that thought, he knocked on the door.

There was no answer. He listened, trying to hear past the rain making its own sort of thunderous noise on the roof over their heads.

He tried again.

This time someone on the inside of the room fumbled with the lock. When it finally clicked, the knob turned and Lucy was there.

Her face was pale, blue eyes wide. He could see her trembling.

Chris wasn't sure what to say. He frowned at her upset. "Thought maybe the storm was gettin' to you downstairs."

Stark relief at his understanding flooded her face. Tears welled and she nodded jerkily.

"You want some company?" he asked.

She searched his face, same as she had been doing for weeks, like she didn't know what to make of him. That made two of them. He had no idea what he was doing, only that he didn't like the thought of her in there by herself and afraid.

She stepped back and opened the door wider.

Chris stepped into her room. She kept it just as tidy as she kept the kitchen on the ranch. The door eased shut behind him.

Lightning flashed with a bang of thunder that sounded like it would come right into the room.

It sent Lucy stumbling into him. Chris caught her arms, feeling her shaking beneath his light touch.

He expected her to pull away. Instead she looked up at him. Looked to him like being near was safe.

"Just a little thunder," he said.

She took a breath and closed her eyes.

"I'm not scared of storms," she whispered.

Chris felt his eyebrow lift. If this wasn't scared of storms, he couldn't imagine what scared looked like.

"It's just…when it would storm…and Eli Joe was cooped up…him and the others…"

That was worse than any storm scaring her.

Another jolt of thunder had her moving closer to him. Chris put a steadying hand on each of her arms. She looked up at him.

"He ain't here anymore," Chris said.

Her blue eyes were dark in the dim light of the room. The rain lashing against the window panes filled the space.

"You're here," she breathed quietly. He could see the idea of him being near being a good thing—something so foreign to her, having a husband around being something nonthreatening—ease some of the tension from her.

He wasn't sure he deserved that level of trust, but seeing her settle down some was worth the undeserved devotion.

His hands rubbed slowly over her arms. "I'm here," he assured her in a low voice.

Her eyes ran over his face. He started to think maybe he had got it wrong. Maybe she hadn't been upset with him about the kiss. His heart started a slow, steady pounding in his chest.

She lifted a hand. Hesitated. Chris didn't dare move. Not if it meant scaring her off. He'd stay still as stone if it gave her some sort of comfort she was looking for.

Her fingertips lightly grazed his jaw, then paused there. Uncertainty colored her eyes and she looked to him.

"It's ok," he said, only a rough whisper coming past the thud of his heart.

"You're here," she said again, a fleeting wrinkle to her brow, like she couldn't figure out why.

"I ain't goin' nowhere," he said. And with those words, he knew it was true. She might go back to her brother after all this. She might not have meant those necessary vows they said in the church to protect her. But he wasn't moving. Not away from her. He'd be here, right here, for however long she needed him. He was starting to think he needed her just as much.

Her lips parted slightly. That slight movement was all it took for his body to respond, the heat turning to a fire.

She looked up at him questioningly. Moving slowly, cautiously, she tilted her head back slightly. Moved toward him just enough.

Chris forced himself to keep his hands light on her arms. Move his head down to meet hers with painstaking gentleness.

#

When Chris' lips met hers, Lucy pressed in closer to him. She trusted him. She wanted to be close to him. She…

She cared about him.

The sudden realization had her pulling away to look at him again.

He stepped back quickly. His chest moved with ragged breaths.

She stared at him, feeling like she was seeing him for the first time. Really seeing him. Not just her brother's friend. Not just the man charged with protecting her. Not even the steady and good man she had grown to trust.

She saw a man she had feelings for. Someone she wanted to be with. Someone she could trust to get close to.

She cared deeply about him. She trusted him. She wanted to be with him.

"I…I didn't know…" she heard her voice whisper beneath the rumble of more thunder. But she wasn't thinking of the storm now. The past wasn't chasing her. She was thinking of Chris.

The way Chris stilled, quietly waiting for what she would say, she could tell he heard her in spite of the storm outside.

She wanted to be brave. Not just walking on her own through the rough town, or fighting back the memories that a thunderstorm could bring. She wanted to be near Chris. Not let her past ruin her getting close to him.

"I didn't know it could—could feel like…like that. With someone. With you."

The stiff line of Chris' shoulders eased. "Wasn't quite expectin' it to be like that with you either."

Some of the nervous tension in Lucy uncoiled. He wasn't upset with her for being too forward.

Be brave. The words drove her feet forward a step toward him. She reached a tentative hand up to his jaw. Lucy's fingertips traced over his jaw, the pads of her fingers were nothing more than the whisper of a touch over his cheekbone, temple, a light brushing of the hair that fell forward across his forehead. Every trace of her fingers had her looking to him, meeting his eyes for a kind of reassurance that he was safe. Finding the reassurance.

Her heart fluttered, but not with fear. His stubble scratched against her fingers. She barely noticed the rain lashing against the window panes. She heard the catch of his breath when her fingers grazed down his chest, landing over his heart. The steady beat of his heart was solid under her palm. She looked up at his eyes. The green there burned with the same intensity she felt in her chest.

She wasn't sure which one of them moved, but then his lips were against hers, his hand at the back of her neck. The heat from his body seared her everywhere she was pressed against him. But it wasn't a dangerous heat. It was comforting. The warmth of a fire after a long journey through a cold wasteland. She wanted that warmth. She wanted Chris.

His kiss was gentle, tender, but she could feel the way he was holding back.

Be brave.

She tentatively moved her hands to the buttons of his shirt, risking a look at him to see his reaction.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

She was sure. She wanted this.

Chris didn't try to talk her out of it. Him treating her like he believed in her judgment, like she wasn't broken and needed to be cared for, gave her trembling fingers surety to slip the first button from the buttonhole. She kept her eyes fixed on the buttons as she worked them.

She was aware of every breath he took. His breaths coming more uneven with every button she slipped free. But it wasn't fear that had her own breath hitching.

When she had every button undone, she looked up at him.

Be brave.

She didn't just want to be brave. She wanted her life back. She wanted a new life.

Be happy.

She slid the shirt from his shoulders. Her fingers caressed the skin of his shoulders, his arms.

He hissed in a breath between his teeth.

"Don't think you know what you're doin' to me," he said.

Lucy paused, drawing her bottom lip in between her teeth.

"We can stop. Anytime," he said.

Lucy let his shirt drop from her hands.

"I don't want to stop," she whispered.

Chris moved slowly with her. It was nothing like what she had experienced before.

He brushed her hair from her cheek with a gentle hand. He found her lips and eased into a kiss, pausing, giving her a chance to pull back.

Lucy explored his bare chest with her hand, pausing to feel his heart beat, let the heat of his skin warm her palm. Warm all of her.

The rain kept beating on the roof overhead. Thunder cracked, lightning flashed. But it all fell away under the thudding of her heart, her blood flooding through her veins with a heat she had never felt before.

Chris' fingers found the buttons of her dress But he didn't undo them.

"You sure?" he asked, his voice rough with desire.

Lucy couldn't find her own voice. Not with hands on her. She nodded. Her eyes fell closed as he worked the buttons. A small sound escaped her throat when he guided her towards the bed. Stopped to stand next to it, her bare legs against the bedclothes behind her. Her chemise was lined with lace that tickled against her shoulders.

Chris' breathing was ragged. But he stopped and leaned his forehead against hers. "I mean it. I don't want to push you into anything."

Lucy met his eyes. She could see how much he meant it. She hoped he could see how much she meant what she was doing.

Her fingers fumbled with his belt. His gunbelt was still on. He undid the buckle and hung it over the headboard.

His trousers were made of broadcloth that was coarse under her touch. She looked up at him, bit her lip between her teeth. Suddenly uncertain. Not about what she wanted. But if she was being too forward. If Chris would think she was a loose woman.

"I—I'm sorry…I…am I…should I…"

Chris' face didn't darken with anger. If anything it softened with a gentleness she never would have expected from the man she had originally only seen as a stern gunslinger.

"You do whatever you want," he said. "May just about kill me if you stop," he said with a small smile. "But I ain't doin' nothin' you don't want."

That small smile was a comfort. It reassured her. Gave her confidence she hadn't felt. Not since being grabbed the first time by Eli Joe. Her fingers found the rough fabric of his pants again. Moved to the button. His patient reassurances that she was safe, this wasn't something he was going to push her to do, only built her need to get closer to him.

Chris hissed in a breath between his teeth. There was a time Lucy would have pulled away, sure it was a sound of anger. But she knew what it was right now. Knew what he was feeling, because the same yearning was driving her.

She sank back into the bed, Chris coming with her, keeping his weight from her, but his skin meeting hers. He pressed kisses to her jaw, her shoulders, back to meet her lips.

Nothing between them. She should feel vulnerable. But she didn't. Not with Chris. She felt safe. Cared for.

Whole.

#

Chris had to maintain the firm grasp of control that threatened to slip. He wouldn't risk scaring Lucy with the full force of passion burning through him for her. More than that, he wouldn't do anything to hurt her.

But it was hard to remember anything but the feel of her when she was beneath him.

He had seen her coming off that stagecoach as a frail woman. Spooked and running. But it hadn't taken long to see past that. And now, with her hands tentatively running over his chest, her blue eyes looking at him to see his mood, then falling shut with a quiet gasp when he found a sensitive spot, he saw her just as she really had always been. Capable, strong, courageous, giving, kind.

She was a hell of a woman.

She gasped, her fingers digging into his shoulders when he moved his lips to her collarbone.

The storm outside built in strength. He was dimly aware of rain pounding against the glass, lightning flashes from outside twining in with the lightning Lucy was igniting between them.

But then all that fell away and there was nothing in his world but Lucy. Just this woman who, for some reason, trusted him and wanted him.

He wanted to be the man she needed him to be. He would do everything to protect her. To be that man.

#