THC/The Houses Competition

House:Gryffindor

Category: Standard

Class: Potions

Prompt(s): [Theme] Loss of an item/object/thing (living or dead, permanent or temporary)

[Pairing type] Father and son (Biological/Adopted)

Word Count: 1599

Summary: Severus sees his son for the first time in ten years and he thinks back to the secret love that he and Lily once shared and all that he has lost.

Title: Our Little Secret

After all these years, Severus finally got Severus to see his son. He had been waiting for this moment for a very long time, ten years to be exact. He had also been dreading this moment for ten long years. Although he got to see his son, he would never be allowed to acknowledge him. In fact, he would have to be cruel to him, degrade him, even humiliate him. Severus knew that because of who he was, or rather, who everyone thought he was, it was the only way he could ensure his son would be safe from the Dark Lord. Even though it was deemed that the Dark Lord was gone, Severus knew it was only a matter of time until he returned. When he did, Severus was going to have to be prepared. He would need to make sure that his son was prepared as well.

Looking at Harry hurt more than Severus thought possible. Not just because he would never be able to acknowledge him or tell him that he was his father, but because it was so easy to believe that he was James' son. Harry looked so much like James, from his unruly hair to his crooked smile, but for a moment, for a small moment, he looked like Severus. Severus would always remember the way Harry looked when he held his son in his arms for the first time. James missed the birth, but both Severus and Lily knew that it was only a matter of time until he showed up. They had just enough time to change Harry's true appearance and for Severus to hold him just once. To see himself in his son before he turned him into a Potter, before he lost his son forever.

Although Harry was the spitting image of James, Severus didn't mind—not really, because Harry still had Lily's eyes. Those eyes that Severus loved so much—those eyes that held so much emotion in them. That was the first thing that Severus fell in love with—those beautiful emerald eyes of Lily's. Severus would never forget how he felt when looking into them. All the fear, all the hatred he had bundled up inside of him melted away.

Severus never meant to fall in love with Lily and Lily never meant to fall in love with Severus. They were never supposed to fall in love, which is why all they had were stolen moments together. Even from the very beginning, they both knew that it had to be like that. Severus could still remember that first moment they shared, the first hint of all that they would be together. He was fascinated by the stubborn, red-headed, muggle-born girl who seemed to be full of light and happiness.

She managed to chip away at his protective shields, which he held up in order to push people away. She managed to crack a hole in the darkness that had been the only thing he had ever known. She brought light into his life. A light that he had lost ten years ago. But, as Severus looked into his son's eyes, he could feel the light return. Harry had the same kind of light that Lily did.

If only Lily weren't James' girl by the time Severus and Lily found each other. If only they had not been assigned as partners for that potion assignment. If only they hadn't spent all that time only they hadn't started arguing one afternoon resulting in a passionate kiss. If they hadn't, then maybe Severus wouldn't have spent the last ten years feeling an emptiness worse than any darkness he had felt before meeting Lily. Lily was kind and hadn't wanted to hurt James and, even though Severus never liked James, he went along, not wanting to hurt Lily. He did as she asked and they kept their relationship a secret. They tried not to get involved with each other; they both tried to end it many times, to walk away, but they never did; their love was too strong. It wasn't until November the sixteenth, when Lily came to Severus and said that she was pregnant, that he lost himself in her for the last time. He still thought about it. Sometimes, he woke up in the middle of the night and for a second, just for a second, he saw a glimpse of Lily's red hair spread across the pillow beside him before realizing that it was only a fantasy and that Lily was long dead.

But even before Lily's death, she was lost to Severus. He knew deep down that they were never meant to be together; she wasn't his. Even if she wasn't already Potter's girl, they still could not have been together. There was too much working against them. A Death Eater and a Gryffindor's love could never work, but Severus never doubted it. Whatever happened between them, Severus never doubted their love. It was the one thing that no one could ever take away from him.

Severus felt it at the bottom of his soul. He saw it in those beautiful eyes of Lily's. The night Severus remembered the love being the strongest was the night before Lily married James. She looked up at Severus with tears in her eyes and told him that she was sorry and that she loved him, but it was better this way. In the end, Severus agreed; he knew he would never be able to give Lily the life she deserved. He would never be able to make her happy. They both agreed that it would be their last meeting and they spent the night in each other's arms.

That morning, Lily became Mrs. Potter and a month later, Lily came back to Severus and told him that she was pregnant and that he was the father. Severus didn't know what to say. What could he say? Lily was with James. They both agreed that Lily would raise the child with James and that only they would ever know the truth.

Nine months later, Lily gave birth to Severus' son, Harry, and just for a moment, he was theirs. Then the moment ended and Severus lost his son and what could have been. His son became James' son and that was that.

Severus did everything he could to forget about Lily and his son, to forget that he and Lily ever met that day on the train, but nothing worked; he still thought about her and Harry every day, soon Halloween came. Severus begged Albus to keep Lily and her son safe, but Merlin did not hear his plea.

Severus felt as if he were the one who died when he learned the news. He lost Lily, the love of his life and she was lost to him forever. Severus was shocked to learn that his son had lived; his son had become a legend that day— The Boy Who Lived. But to Severus, Harry was a reminder of Lily and of what they shared together.

A part of him wanted to claim Harry and raise him as his own, but he didn't because of the promise he made to Lily and also for Harry's sake. Severus believed that Harry would be better off thinking that he was James and Lily Potter's son— the product of a wonderful couple's love— than knowing the truth. That he was the son of a man that many despised. No, Harry would be better off as James' son instead of his.

So, Severus allowed his son to be shipped off to Lily's sister, Petunia Dursley. He didn't have a choice, not as long as he wanted to keep Lily's secret. He hoped that his son would be safe and happy there, even though he had his doubts. Severus knew that Petunia hated anything to do with magic and considered Lily to be a freak. All of it made Severus wonder if sending Harry away was the right choice; he was afraid of the way that Petunia might treat his son just because he was magical. He reasoned with himself that Dumbledore wouldn't have sent him there if it wasn't safe. Severus hoped that was true.

Still, for ten years, Severus had been haunted by the thoughts of his son and of Lily. Now, finally, he got to see Harry, see his eyes that were so much like Lily's and he wanted to cry. For the first time since Lily had died, Severus wanted to cry. Seeing his son and knowing that he would never be able to claim him was enough to break his heart all over again. Having to spend the next seven years with Harry in his class made it unlikely that Severus would ever be able to escape the memory of Lily. Severus would have a living reminder wherever he went. Those green eyes of his, of Lily's, they would remind Severus of everything he lost, which would forever haunt him.

His son would always remind him of a beautiful red-headed girl caught between what was right and what her heart longed for. He would see it all in those eyes and he would see what never was and what might have been. Severus would see those eyes, and he would not be able to help but think of Lily. Those green eyes that held so much. Severus was able to lose himself in them; they made him forget the coldness and the emptiness that he felt. But now, those same green eyes would make Severus remember all that he had lost.