Chapter 16

Rin thought again of baby monkeys and wireframe mothers as she watched the fire demon out of the corner of her eye. Though his breath had slowed from the near-panic of earlier, he had not relaxed, hugged her back, or even spoken a word. She had withdrawn carefully, worried that her touch had been too much for him. Giving him a few inches of space, she sat cross-legged next to him, her dress pooled in her lap.

He still didn't move, troubled gaze unfocused on the shadowed horizon beyond the rooftop.

After a while he said, "I read your mind earlier, you know."

"Yeah, about that," Rin said hurriedly. "Not okay. I - ."

But before she could continue, the fire demon said, "I saw it, in your mind. What you think of me. My… interests." He spat the word with disgust.

Rin was confused, thinking back. Then, with growing horror, she remembered. His interests as she knew them, in order, were: getting stronger, his sister Yukina, and committing various crimes.

"I… That was exaggeration," she said, scrambling to reassure him. "It's not true, I -."

Again he cut her off. "Much as it irritates me to admit, your point was valid. I know little of the world beyond killing and... 'various crimes.'" He punctuated the last words, her words, with such bitterness that she couldn't tell if it was meant as a self-deprecating joke or a reproach aimed at her, but it stung all the same. He continued, "I have had accomplices and alliances, and perhaps Urameshi and the fox are my 'friends,'" he spat the word derisively, "but I know little of bonds, of family. How can I be a proper brother to Yukina? Maybe not all demons are heartless, but I certainly am. I have prided myself on being ruthless. I am a killer. What kind of family could I possibly offer her?"

"Hiei…"

"I did all this for her. This whole ridiculous wedding. And now it's almost over, and I have no damn idea what to do now."

She had thought that her heart was done breaking, but she was wrong. It could always shatter into tinier pieces.

"I don't know what to say," Rin said finally. She paused, gathering her thoughts, then ducked her head into his line of sight and, though he didn't want to look at her, locked gazes with him. "But I do know that Yukina is your twin. She loves you. So do Kurama, Yusuke, Botan, and even Kuwabara. And even though you're kind of an asshole sometimes, I… I…" She took a deep breath, trying to control her racing heart, as his gaze sharpened on her face. "I like you too. You don't have to do this alone."

Hiei looked away, sparing her from his all-knowing eyes, but his shoulders relaxed a fraction.

"I know this sounds trite," she continued, "But it's never too late to try new things. Find new interests besides fighting. Maybe we - I mean, us and the group," she said quickly, "could do things together."

He snorted, but it had no fire behind it. Instead of answering, he shifted his weight to get more comfortable.

"By the way," she said firmly after a moment's pause, "because it needs to be said. You're not allowed to read my mind anymore. If you want to know something, you have to ask."

"Tch, fine." His tone was grumpy, but that was better than self-hatred and loathing. He sounded more like the regular Hiei she knew, at least.

Her eyes, dazzled by the fireworks earlier, finally adjusted to the deeper darkness. The stars glowed brighter overhead, and she leaned back on her hands to watch them twinkle. The wind ruffled her hair in a careless caress. Rin and the fire demon sat in surprisingly companionable silence on the rooftop under the watchful moon, faces upturned.

"Why did you leave?" His voice made her jump.

"What?"

Hiei harrumphed and crossed his arms. "You said I had to ask. So I'm asking."

"I don't know what you… Why I left?" she asked lamely.

He stared at her with eyes the color of dying embers, one black eyebrow raised.

Then she got it. "Oh. You mean after the, the," her voice broke unexpectedly and she drew in a deep breath to steady herself, calm the anxiety suddenly crawling at her insides, "the Tournament?"

He held her gaze, waiting.

Rin thought of blood and battle. Of her screams, of the screams that she had caused, the deaths. The sleepless nights. The card games and cozy nights in the boys' suite. The roars of pain. Her rage after, at Genkai's temple. And then separation and silence. A long, fifteen-year silence. She had no idea what to say, how to explain to this battle-hungry demon that it was just too much. That Spirit World, Koenma, and Genkai had expected too much of them all, without sounding pitiful or petulant. Without him holding her in contempt for being weak: in his mind, the worst of sins.

But if he was going to judge her for keeping herself safe and setting boundaries, was his approval really worth it? It had been fifteen years. She had grown up, become a woman with her own life and desires, friends and hobbies that had no ties to Spirit World or the demonic. She wasn't the girl desperate for his approval - for the boys' approval - any more. If he wanted to know, she decided that she would tell him. And who knew, maybe the irascible demon had grown past thinking that any softness was weakness. But still, she didn't know how to explain. How to sum all that up. But the only way to get it over with was to start somewhere.

She took a deep breath, filling her lungs and emptying them out completely. Then the words began to spill out of her mouth in a waterfall. "I left because… it was just too much. I was fighting for my life in that Tournament. I killed people, Hiei. Because I had to - it was life or death - but that doesn't make it any less horrible. They needed us to save the world, they said." She paused, gathering herself for the push to the finish. "I was fifteen. We were children, Hiei, all of us. I was a child. No child should be expected to carry the world on their shoulders." Her voice grew cluttered with emotion and tears sprang unbidden to her eyes but did not fall. "I was so afraid, after. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was… I was traumatized. I know that now. I couldn't handle it like the rest of you; I'm not strong. I had to get away."

Hiei's figure was blurry through the tears that wavered on her lashes. Embarrassed at her body's betrayal, she dashed them away with her knuckles. She had thought she had moved beyond this, beyond the need to cry over the past. Healed the open, festering wound that was the Dark Tournament with therapy and years of distance. But maybe the difference was talking to someone who had been there. Hiei had seen what she had seen, witnessed the bloody brutality. He knew. But she was afraid to see how he would react to her confession and her shame.

"I know I left without saying goodbye. I'm sorry," she choked out finally.

Her eyes swam with unshed tears while her heart pounded along, shaking her body with its thunderous beats. She refused to cry in front of him. Rin hung her head, using the three part breath that her therapist had taught her to try to calm herself. Breathe in for three seconds, hold for three seconds, breathe out for three seconds, hold for three seconds, repeat. The rhythm was meditative, calming, but still her body shook with minute tremors.

There was a feather-light touch on her hand, so barely there that she didn't flinch or pull away. She looked down to see a pale hand, scars criss-crossing its back, the tip of the pinkie finger just grazing her own. Hiei. Again her heart cracked in two. This touch-starved demon, this lonely man who always, always held himself apart, was offering the little comfort that he knew how to give. Such a small thing, but it meant so much that he was trying.

Slowly, so slowly, giving him plenty of time to pull away, Rin covered his hand with her own. An eternity later, she wove their fingers together, gripping his hand like it was her last lifeline, her lungs still gulping for air. She dared to look up into his magma gaze, flaming in the dark, burning with something she couldn't name. Moonlight lined the planes of his elfin face in silver, a study in contrasts between heated crimson eyes and cool marble skin. In slow motion, she brought a hand up and skimmed the line of his jaw. He shuddered under her touch, holding her gaze all the while, like a wild animal caught between running and staying, fight or flight.

Then, with glacial slowness, she leaned forward, closed her eyes, and kissed him. Not the ferocious, passionate kisses of earlier in the night. This was soft, gentle, with affection rather than an all-consuming need. His lips were soft and warm against hers, almost too warm to bear. He kissed her back so gently that she wanted to cry; she had never suspected that battle-hungry, brutal Hiei could ever touch someone with such softness.

Breaking the kiss with a sigh, she drew her legs up and rested her head in the hollow of his shoulder, still gripping his hand tight. His chest moved up and down with his breath, stoking the fire inside of him that warmed her through. He held himself in careful stillness, as though he couldn't decide which of them was more likely to be spooked away. They sat together in silence for an eon under the night sky.

After a time he spoke, startling her. "That idiot wanted to go after you, after the Tournament. Kuwabara." Hiei took a breath. "I wouldn't let him. Your pain – I could feel it. It was immense, almost limitless. It felt… familiar."

Surprise hit Rin like a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky, shaking her to her core, breaking loose years of scarred-over, pent-up emotion. She buried her face in his neck, her shoulders heaving as she finally let go and allowed sobs to wrack her. Yes, in the years since the Tournament she had shed more tears over it than she cared to recall, but this felt like the first true release, like venting a pressure valve that had steadily built inside of her since first stepping onto that accursed island. Rin cried out all of the rage, pain, fear, guilt, and shame, holding onto Hiei like he was the last life ring in the midst of a vast ocean.

After a while, the fire demon untangled his hand from hers and cautiously put his arm around her, holding her tight against his side and letting her cry hot tears into his neck. Tears for herself, tears for those she had killed, tears for Hiei, who had found her vast pain so familiar.

When her tears began to slow, her sobs finally subsiding into sniffles, he leaned back, carefully pulling her down with him to lay on the rooftop. She nestled against his warm side, her hands fisted in his shirt, her head on his arm while he gazed up at the stars.

Author's note: Thanks as always for reading, and staying with me on this journey! The story has evolved from what I originally planned, but I am really enjoying writing a YYH fic where the characters are grown up. I think a lot of us fans (including myself), started watching in high school, and I really wanted to write a fic where the characters grew up with me instead of perpetually being in high school.

Thank you to Amandamsf1993 and Sammie46142 for the lovely reviews, MissLini for the follow, and Sammie46142 for the favorite!