Disclaimer: I am just a mere visitor in the sublime world constructed by the brilliant mind that is J.K Rowling. Anything that rings a bell is hers.

Chapter 24

Ky's POV

It couldn't be true. It couldn't even be possible. No. it was impossible. I pushed past the Slytherin's and ignored Parkinson's cackles of laughter. I felt the wind sting me, more harshly in certain places but I ignored it and made it through the door much like I had a few months ago. I fell to the floor quickly, and looked under the bed. I grabbed the box and flung it open; my heart beating so fast it physically hurt me.

I touched the bottom, skirting around the lone object…as if hoping that there was some sort of mistake. That I was just not seeing. I picked up the offending object and flung it against the wall, where it clanged to the floor.

My eyes opened, blinking repetitively from the bright sunlight shining through the open window. Why did Madam Pomfrey have to be such a morning person? I felt cold and shivered…wasn't it warmer last night? Oh wait…I looked to the bed on my right, it was empty. It seems my heater had tossed me back in my own bed and left. I rubbed my hands together, feeling cold on my chest.

The electrifying feeling ran up and around my neck and I found the source. The necklace. Potter must have put it back on me last night…

I couldn't breathe, the choking sensation got a whole of me again as I let my knees hit the floor. I searched my pockets frantically, looking for my sanctuary.

I found it and had trouble undoing the cap with the rate my hand was shaking. Flashes of grey eyes shining with laughter, with fear, cold and empty and disappointed rattled through my mind. I finally undid the cap and placed the bottle to my lips.

"NO!"

I felt the body before I could react, I watched as the flask flew out of my hand and my brain surged with images as my only hope seeped into the carpet. I reached for it, pushing the body off with ease. I barely touched it when my hands were pushed down hard over my head,

"Please…please…"

I looked up in to her cocoa orbs as she held me down. My shame leaked into my mouth and tasted of salt but I couldn't stop wriggling trying to get to the flask.

"NO!"

The sound was a grating screech that bled from her throat, I felt a drop hit my face, as her worry mingled with my shame. With every drop my breath came slower and slower, with every trembled lip I stopped wriggling as I saw my reflection in her chocolate orbs.

The images ploughed through my head relentlessly and she had no choice but to get off me as I flung myself up, throwing up over the floor. It was as if my own body was trying to help me get rid of it all…

I felt cold fingers at my neck pulling my hair back, and a patting on my back. I didn't deserve this. I wanted to push her away. I wanted to her to go away. But instead I found myself flinging around and grabbing her, as the pain surged through me. She held me just as fiercely back as if she could feel it too. My eyes fell on the now empty box and the wailing got louder.

I was absolutely dry when I eventually let go of her, my face dirty with tears and snot. There was nothing pretty about this situation, nothing at all.

She looked at me, as she quietly wiped my face with a hankie. She was the only person in Gryffindor that had one. I wanted to pull away again, but I selfishly let her continue.

"It was his sweater that Snape found."

Mi was the most brilliant witch I ever knew. I let my back hit the bed and curled up in a ball, trying to fight it.

She dropped in front of me, her face trying to hide her fear.

"Please…let me help."

"Nothing can help it."

Her look quickly became one of fury as she tossed a glance at the now empty flask, "Not that you didn't try! Calming Draughts are extremely addictive Ky! Not to mention prescription only!"

I looked at her and then looked away. Another layer of shame coating me,

"Please, please Ky- let me-"

"You can't." I snapped at her. "Nobody can! Nobody can take it away."

"Take what away…please tell me?"

She shook me with strength I never knew Mi to possess, and I flopped back and forth like a rag doll. Her eyes shorn with devastation and I felt myself whisper,

"The guilt…"

And just like that the tears flowed freely again, but my head didn't ache with the images. She stopped shaking me but didn't let go and knelt down to reach my height,

"It isn't your fault that Cedric died. You tried your hardest to get to them on time. You did."

"I did."I nodded. "I know that."I nodded fervently, it was Voldemort's fault. Not mine. I had come to terms with that. "It's the before…"

"The before what?"

I could tell by the gleam in her eyes just how much it meant that I was finally talking. I held her gaze and continued, "What happened before he died."

She nodded, willing me to go on.

"I had a dream."

"A premonition?"

I shook my head so roughly as if willing the thoughts to fly out my ears. "Just a dream. It made my decision."

"What decision?"She asked tentatively.

"My decision to be with him."

"You dreamt of him."

My heart ached at this,

"You dreamt of me?"He smirked down at me.

"No, no." The truth that I had never spoken came out. "No, not of him."

…he knelt before me, slowly slipping the mask up. He kissed my knee, and then my thigh and I emitted a sigh. He pushed my legs apart and I looked down. I ran my hands through his hair, pulling him towards me. He smirked and pulled off the rest of his mask…his emerald eyes aglow with promises that my heart begged him to keep.

"Of Harry. I dreamt of Harry. It was Harry, it was always Harry."

Mi didn't say anything at that and looked at me worried. She bit her lip, "You couldn't have known Ky. You didn't know that he would-"

"That he would die! I didn't. I really didn't. How was I supposed to know that the last words that I spoke to him were mostly lies!"I felt my chest constrict but I needed the words to come out now that I finally found them. "I didn't know! We're just kids…we're all just kids."

"When I walk into the great hall it's you I look for. When I walk pass a class room, it's you I looked for."

"Why are you still with her then?" I whispered so softly if he wasn't near he wouldn't have heard me.

"I'm selfish. I thought with time she could help me get over you. I realise that's impossible now."

"I thought that with time he would help me get over Harry. I was selfish."

"Why did you have to get over Harry Ky? Why did you even try?"

I looked at Mi, surprised at her lack of the obvious answer. "You were there Mi. When Harry told me he likes Cho."

She looked at me confused,

"What would you think if I dated Cedric?"

"Diggory?" I observed his face carefully, but it betrayed nothing.

"No, the Entertainer. Who else?"

"I would say thanks."

"What?"

"Well your dating Diggory would free Cho up, wouldn't it?"

"It's not that I didn't like Cedric."I shook my head profusely at Mi, hoping she would see, "I liked him, I did. But Harry…"

Every lie I ever told concerning Harry broke free of its constraints and I pushed my face into my hands,

"I'm such a fucking liar."

"No…no, you're just a teenager. How would you know-"

"But I made all the choices! I chose Harry!"

I screamed it at Mi, wanting her to see the monster that I was. "No Ky…you didn't. You made Cedric's last moments-"

"NO! I lied to myself! I lied!"

"Potter!" I shouted, then stopped. What was I going to do, tell him to give it to Cedric? Just before the task? Cedric would probably think Harry bewitched it or something and the last thing Harry wants to do is talk to Cedric. Oh Mi, why are you in my head! He continued to stare,

"What?"

"Oh…goodluck."I walked past him and the Mi in my head placed a face to the voice. A worried face. She was worried about Harry wasn't she? More nervous for him than the exams and that is saying something. Oh what the heck,

"Here."

"What's this?"

"A gun. What does it look like Potter? Just take it, it's no use to me now. I want it back after, mind you, and for every scratch I'll put one to match on your face."

"Wow, aren't you just the most generous person in the world. So kind and giving. Just who I needed to see before the task."

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you."He looped the locket over his head, and then pushed it into his shirt. I nodded at him and walked away, looking for a head of brown in the blur of the crowd.

"I wanted Harry to have that locket." I turned and glared at the offending piece of jewellery that I had flung at the wall earlier. "I lied that I wanted to give it to Cedric. I lied to myself. I wanted Harry to…I wanted Harry to have the extra protection."

"That was just a locket Ky, just a locket-"

"That's not just a locket Mi and you know it! You know it!" That locket saved my life last year, and she knew it had protective qualities. I could lie to myself, but I couldn't fake my reactions…I inwardly sighed when Harry loped that locket over his head.

"That locket couldn't deflect a killing curse Ky."

That was true. But it wasn't the fact that I thought the locket would save his life, it was the fact that I had chosen who to protect. Voldemort wasn't the only one that killed the spare…

It was the reaction… the reaction when I opened my eyes and saw green eyes…

"I was relieved when I saw Harry….I was relieved."I met her stare and she looked at me sadly,

"If I had to make a choice Ky, as horrid as it sounds…I would have also chosen Harry."

"The difference is Mi, you weren't the one who told…that told Cedric… that you would be there front and centre…shouting the loudest…you weren't the liar."

I choked at the end, the confession not making me feel any the lighter. She shook her head at me,

"You can't let that guilt eat at you Ky. There's nothing you can do about it now."

"I KNOW THAT!" I pushed my hands into my face, pulling at my hair. I knew that. I couldn't make it right. I had let him die thinking that I cared for him…that he was the one. That I deserved his care… "I'm…I'm…"

"Human. You are human Ky. And a teenager. What happened was what hundreds of people do all the time. People lie all the time-"

"That doesn't make it OK! Mi…it hurts so much."

I grabbed at my tummy, where the guilt churned and churned. How do you seek redemption from the dead? How do you get forgiveness from a soul long gone?

She pulled me to her and I let her, as she muttered apologies into my ear. Why was she apologising to me? I didn't deserve it.

"And then I kissed Harry…again and again and again and again…because that's the only time the pain stopped. And then it started again straight after, fiercer than the last time."

"You shouldn't feel guilt at your feelings for Harry Ky!"

"What should I feel then Mi, please tell me what?"

She looked at me, her face almost as messy as mine. "I try so hard to forget…but I see him all the time. Looking at me, like he knows what a liar I am…no amount of distraction can take it away. I devoured every type I could this holiday..."

"You can't go on like this. Punishing yourself! Destroying yourself! You of all people know what calming draught does to a person!"

I know…but I wouldn't let it get that far. I wouldn't let it steal my emotions away like the other people that had fallen victim to the thirst for utter bliss. I just needed enough to make the churn stop.

"How long?"

"From Monday."

She let out a sigh of relief. Why was she happy that I was OK. She shouldn't care…I didn't deserve it.

"Why Monday?"

I looked at her, my head heavy with the strenuous activity of bearing ones soul, "Umbridge…she has me writing an article about Cedric for the school archives. I had to interview Chang on Monday, Mona on Tuesday, Alison Fleeceheart yesterday. It was…hard."

Hard wasn't the word but I didn't know how else to describe it. "Umbridge was ticked off that I wasn't reacting like I had the first time, I guess that's why I kept coming back for more of the draught. It was nice feeling…in control again."

Mi grabbed my shoulders and turned me around. "Listen to me. What you did was not OK! It wasn't. It was wrong to lie to Cedric like that. It was. But at the same time…is it really? Yes, you were being selfish…but you were being selfless too. You didn't have to go to Cedric, you could have just silently pined away for Harry. But you didn't. Because you wanted them both to be happy. Harry and Cedric. Harry wanted Cho and Cedric wanted you, you…settling for Cedric will solve all those problems. He liked you…he really did Ky."

"No…no I didn't settle. I liked him Mi. I really did. I liked him." I needed her to understand that, desperately. She needed to understand that I didn't just use him, that I had feelings for him. My intentions were to be with him, I wanted him. I chose him consciously, how could I know that I had fallen so far in for Harry that my subconscious had taken control of my actions. How could I know when I so resolutely wouldn't see the blinding truth that I liked Harry when Cedric was the one that was always pulling me to him. Who always ran after me when Harry ran away.

She nodded her head, "I know you did Ky. You did like him. He died knowing that he got the girl…that he got his girl…and sometimes a lie is better than the truth. Especially if the story ends there."

I let her words sink in. Cedric's story ended there, he was happy. I remembered the look on his face.

"You can't change the past and you can't get forgiveness from the dead…you'll just be chasing shadows. You have to forgive yourself…your story isn't over."

I looked at her, trying to believe the words she said. She was right, I had to live with the guilt, I'd never be cured of it. There would never be a time when I hear his name and not feel the guilt of a selfish naïve fourteen year old. But I didn't have to be consumed by it…what use would I be then? I could barely remember the past few days…I couldn't go through life punishing myself…all this time I was searching for forgiveness from Cedric when really…I was searching for forgiveness from myself.

"And I think you shouldn't deprive yourself of romance because of the guilt. I think you should give Harry a chance. Don't let it be too late…"

"I can't."

She looked at me frustrated for a moment, "Ky I cannot believe you're doing this. You can't get redemption from the dead-"

"But you can from the living."She stopped, her brows knitted together. "I won't do that to Cho again."

I wiped at my eyes, "I stole the heart of a boy she loved without her knowing a thing. They say ignorance is bliss, which is probably true…but I'm not ignorant. Every time she thinks of Cedric, it would be a lie and I know it…"

She looked solemnly at me, understanding.

"If Harry can show her…help her…teach her…I have to let them. I won't do it to her again. Plus, as you said, this isn't the end of my story…"

I laid my head against her shoulder, and as she placed her arm around mine, I finally felt it. Light. There was no ache. I was heading in the right direction.

"I'm sorry about the sweater…what were you going to do with it."

"I was working up the courage to get it to his parents somehow."

"You do know that he wanted you to have it…"

"It doesn't matter what he wants. He's dead Mi…it's the living that need help. Nobody deserves such a huge part of him, except his parents…I guess that's impossible now."

"For someone always preaching about the impossibility of impossible, you fling the word around a lot."

Both our head snapped up from our position on the floor, looking at the figure at the door.

I felt a cold fall over me and cover my eyes and I removed the material, I felt the familiar material run through my fingers and stared down at the large number seven. Mi quickly stood up and walked out and I looked up at Sev,

"How-"

"I vanished it to the lost and found…which is like demolishing all evidence...Filch has no system and finding anything in that room is like finding a brain cell in Longbottom's head among all the debri…"

I didn't laugh, as he sat down on the bed, his legs next to where I sat on the floor.

"How much did you hear?"

He sighed. "Enough."

I leaned my head against the bed, feeling as if I had never slept a wink in a week.

"Firstly,"

Oh fuck there was a firstly,

"I will take your lab and all your potions privileges away if I ever hear of you abusing a potion again, even if it's a laughing draught."

I was shocked at that, I thought I was definitely going to lose everything after this little stunt, he looked down at my shocked face, a weird emotion flitting through his eyes.

"I do not hold a lot of stock to second chances, you are very aware of my…less than keen nature for lost causes."

I rolled my eyes at that gross exaggeration.

"You are no lost cause." I looked up at him, rare emotion shining in his eyes. "You may feel it, and you may feel like the hurt won't ever go away…but it will. Eventually…without the need of any potions. It may take years, or months or weeks, but a time will come when it doesn't ache so much."

I looked up at him…did Sev know this pain? This guilt. The tears rolled down as he looked at me, after all these weeks of ignoring me and pretending I don't exist. I quickly turned my face away, knowing how he despised weakness and leaned my head on his knee. My breath caught slightly as I felt his hand on my head, petting me slowly.

"Bane…do you know why I have not been speaking to you."

I sniffled a little, "Because I broke the rules and acted like a reckless Gryffindor and broke into the headquarters."

"That is a very small part. I care not what rules you break. Correction, I care not what rules you break that are not set by me. I do care about you endangering yourself. Especially when I am working so hard to keep you safe."

I let that sink in for a moment...Sev was a spy for the Order, I knew that. Was he saying what I think he was saying? Was he saying that he was taking the risk…for me?

"It is necessary for…my position…to not be favourable towards Dumbledore's granddaughter…especially in the presence of Slytherin's, you do understand."

I did, I just wished he had filled me in on that first. I let out a huge yawn, suddenly feeling like Sev's knee was the most comfortable thing in the world. It had been a long day and it wasn't even nine yet. I felt warm hands around me to be swapped by warm sheets. I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and let them lay shut. I felt his hand pet my hair still and smiled slightly. Before sleep claimed me fully however I heard the familiar voice say, "I have a penchant for reckless Gryffindors." It wasn't the saying that was weird to my ears, but the tone…dripping with warmth.

A/N: So this was a long chapter, explaining a lot of things that happened in Phoenix Accession. Ky is in a complicated situation, but these are the facts. She liked Cedric. She also liked Harry. Her feelings for Harry were never fully realised in the previous year though because Harry never made the effort. This wasn't because he didn't like Ky, we all could tell he did, it was because it wasn't in Harry's nature to do so. He wasn't confident enough at the time, he had all the insecurities of a fourteen year old boy in the presence of a girl that he felt would always be out of his league. Throw in the presence of dark lords and death eaters and he's an even more insecure fourteen year old. Cedric on the other hand, years of being on the receiving end of female attention, was very secure in his feelings for Ky. So he made the effort. He took the first steps. This by no means meant he liked Ky more, but in her inexperienced eyes it would seem so. Especially when she hadn't realised her own feelings for Harry. Now she is guilt ridden when she does realise that she subconsciously always picked Harry, that she even felt relieved to find that he was alive. This guilt made her question all her decisions, made her feel as if she was using Cedric, leading him on. But at the time she wasn't because she never accepted her feelings for Harry as yet. But she stills feels guilty. She then realised that the guilt didn't churn within her when she kissed Harry, hence she always ended up snogging him whenever Cedric was mentioned (if you go back you will see this). She then replaces these bouts of snogging with Calming draught, which is equivalent to popping xanax without a prescription. She also feels guilty about Cho, the fact that there is this devastated girl that is heartbroken at the death of her ex boyfriend…yet she doesn't even know half the story. That is why she said those things about Cho and Harry, but also there is an undercurrent there. She says she wants to give Cho a chance at happiness but what she really is doings is depriving herself of the happiness that she feels too guilty to possess, especially if it is at Cho's expense again. Sorry for the long authors note, just thought that I should explain a little. Hope you enjoyed it,

Please review,

Kalina