Chapter 9: What Should I Call You?
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Skip Beat, for if I did, Ren would have found the courage to confess everything to Kyoko as soon as he returned.
Kyoko was puzzled at Ren's behavior as she listened to him move about the kitchen. What did he mean by liquid courage? How could he just suddenly leave her with such a cliffhanger? She sat there waiting for him to return admiring her new bracelet. He must have remembered my story about Corn. This whole night had been a dream come true. Many of her misunderstandings were cleared up without her even asking.
What could he possibly say that would make me end up hating him? She could only conclude that whatever he had to say was in regards to the girl he loved. She rubbed at the center of her chest to relieve the dull ache that started anew. To distract her from her depressing thoughts, Kyoko called her landlords to inform them of her plans for the night.
When she ended the call, Ren returned carrying a glass of liquor. "Liquid courage?" Kyoko mused out loud trying to break the tension. The grave look on his face made her gulp nervously. Was it that bad?
Ren had spent an extended amount of time in the kitchen trying to get his act together but his needless detour did nothing to ease his dread. I really am still a chicken! He sat down in front of her again and decided to just take the plunge. He took a deep breath and exhaled loudly, I will deal with the fallout later.
His haunted eyes locked with Kyoko's as he began. "You know that Tsuruga Ren is just a stage name right?" She gave him a small nod with a confused expression. "My...my real name is..." He took a deep gulp finding his mouth suddenly dry. He looked at his full glass of alcohol with longing but didn't reach for it. He felt Kyoko brush her fingers on the back of his hand quickly sending tingles up his arm. He ignored his drink and looked back at her, urging him to continue. He took another deep breath before finding the strength to continue. "My name is Hizuri Ku-on. I came to Japan when I was 15, with the President's help!" He blurted out quickly before the words got stuck in his throat again. Ren could feel his cheeks heating and looked down at his hands in his lap completely embarrassed. That could have come out smoother, you idiot! He counted a few heartbeats before meeting her eyes again.
Kyoko was frozen in place by his sudden confession. Hizuri Kuon, Otousan's Kuon? All the conversations she had with her pseudo father clicked into place. The traits Kuu had listed to describe his son came flooding back into her memory. Ren met every one of those characteristics in her book. She also recalled Ren's description of his father as being the macho hero type when he fixed her flower ring, that was Kuu. How did she fail to notice? The similarities were uncanny. I really am an idiot, she thought, biting her bottom lip to keep it from trembling.
She looked down at her hands curling them into the fabric of her pants. "So Kuu Otousan is your father?" She asked him in a shaky voice. Ren nodded in response with a remorseful expression. Kyoko suddenly felt like she was played a fool by both father and son. Tears sprung at the corner of her eyes which she brushed away refusing to feel sorry for herself. She didn't want to be in the room anymore. She needed to go somewhere, anywhere, but here.
Ren noticed her distraught expression as she started to rise. He now wished he had those handcuffs. He had intended on shackling her to him until she heard him properly since she had the annoying habit of running away.
He grabbed her wrist and said in a solemn voice, "Please, Mogami-san. It wasn't my father's intention to deceive you nor mine. I made a promise with my parents when I left them. We were not to have any contact until I was ready to face them with my own power. In my father's own way he was honoring that promise. Please hear me out until the end."
Kyoko looked at his pleading face then sat back down with a huff. She tried to ignore the feelings his fingers wrapped around her wrist invoked within her. He made no attempt to release her but sighed with relief. "Thank you," he said softly.
Ren continued, "I was born in the United States, to Kuu and Juliena Hizuri. They showered me with so much love and affection that it was somewhat stifling." Kyoko winced reminded of her own loveless upbringing. Is he trying to pick a fight with me?
Ren noticed her expression but continued his story. "Although my parents loved me very much, they were rarely home because their successful careers kept them busy. I was often left alone with the servants as companions when my parents had to work late. It was lonely but it was always my life long dream to follow in my father's footsteps as an actor. I wanted to be great just like him."
Ren paused as memories of his past wafted through his mind. He stared at his glass again. Although he poured it to calm his nerves, he didn't drink it. He had to face her on his own. "As a child, I was often bullied because of my ethnicity; part American, part Japanese, and part Russian. I was treated as an abomination by the other kids. I couldn't worry my parents with such trivial things, they were too busy as it was. I didn't want to burden them with any of my problems. I think that's where it all started, I just bottled everything up. I tried acting as a child but I was often scolded by the directors, as well as fellow actors and actresses, verbally and physically, for not living up to my father's name."
Kyoko gasped, how could adults be so cruel to a child? I may not have been loved but I was never physically abused.
"After a while, it became clear to me that I was only getting the roles because of who my parents were, not because of my ability. I started believing all the things that the people around me were saying. That I was a disgrace to my parents, a monster due to my heritage, and only used my good looks to get ahead with zero talent. It wasn't until I met Rick that things started to change. He was my best friend even though my mild-mannered behavior annoyed him. He told me to start defending myself and to quit being a chicken. He was older than me so I looked up to him like an older brother. He taught me the ketchup magic to make my Maui omurice taste better. Even back then I tried to cook the Maui omurice with chicken to conquer the coward in me but it still came out mazui. To think more than 7 years later my cooking of that dish still has not improved. Even with your magic, I made you fall victim to it."
Kyoko shuddered at the memory of when he last cooked that dish. It was after that car mishap during Dark Moon filming, it seemed as if "Death" was knocking on his door that night. She blushed as she remembered how they had sat there in this same spot, with their hands clasped over Princess Rosa hoping to bring him luck.
"It wasn't long after, that I started fighting back whenever I was bullied. I was spiraling out of control fast to the point where I was involved with gangs; fighting almost every night for the pleasure of it. It didn't matter that they surrendered or apologized, I was in it for the thrill," Ren finished softly, looking at her nervously. Does she see me as a monster now?
Kyoko thought about those moments when Ren had lost himself in the pleasure of being BJ and the many incidences they had as the Heel siblings. She had put him in a precarious position with those thugs that were hitting on Setsu. She felt during those times that a dark presence had overcome him, so it was Kuon all along. Her face softened as she looked at Ren. She admired his strength and bravery for taking on such a challenging role even if it meant facing his past then refocused on his story.
"Word got around and thugs started seeking me out, even jealous actors, and guys with girlfriends that were infatuated with me started pursuing me to fight. I obliged all of them. It was a good outlet. I found it thrilling whenever I won, beating them to a bloody pulp was my forte," he admitted. There was no point in trying to gloss over his actions at this point. She needed to know exactly the kind of man he was beneath his gentleman persona.
"Things with my parents were strained by then. They were so busy they had barely any time to notice what was going on with me. They even turned a blind eye to my wrongdoings and started bailing me out of sticky situations. I know they thought they were helping but all it made me think was that they were embarrassed and trying to cover things up so they wouldn't look bad."
Kyoko interjected here. "Tsu, Tsu, Hii-Zuri-san...errr I don't know what to call you now," she said quietly.
"Ren is fine," he said and thought sheepishly, or my love, love of my life, darling, sweetheart, babe; those were all good names too. Clearing his throat he scolded himself for being whimsical when this was serious business.
"Okay R-Ren-san, " she stuttered as her face turned crimson from calling her senpai so informally.
"Just Ren, please Kyoko." He was telling her his deepest and darkest secrets. He wanted to drop all honorifics.
Kyoko's brain short-circuited for a few seconds as her mind wrapped around the way he had said her name. She always knew it would be bad for her heart if he said her name like that. "R-Ren," she finally managed. "I know I only spent a small amount of time with Otousan but when he talked about Kuon, ugh you, I didn't get the impression that he was ashamed of you. The way he talked and bragged about you made me think he was quite proud. I think he felt that he had let you down instead. I honestly thought his son, you, were dead from the way he talked."
Ren paused and thought about his parents. He left with Boss without even a proper goodbye to them. His first encounter with his father after six years was thanks to Kyoko. He smiled and nodded to Kyoko, which in turn made her smile. She was glad she was able to convey Otousan's feelings to his son.
He was getting to the hardest part and looked to her for reassurance. She nodded at him giving him the courage to continue. His hand was still wrapped around her wrist like an umbilical cord, her fast but steady pulse was soothing.
"Things changed drastically one night when I was 15, a bunch of thugs cornered me in an alley. I was outnumbered but like a mad man, I fought my way through. I was enjoying the slaughter and fed off of their fear. Rick and his girlfriend Tina came looking for me. By then, I had already destroyed the guys except for the one squirming in my hands. I was distracted with the appearance of Rick and Tina that the guy wiggled loose and ran off knocking Tina down in the process."
Ren grew quiet and closed his eyes. He tried to continue but a sob escaped his lips instead. His whole body shook as silent tears slid down his face. Kyoko was at a loss on what to do. She had never seen Ren so vulnerable even at his lowest. She could only guess that something terrible happened that night. Since her wrist was now free, she grabbed both his hands and gave them a gentle squeeze reassuring him that she was here for him.
After a few minutes, he pulled himself together and continued, "Rick tried to stop me but my head was consumed with rage, all I saw was red. I crossed the street, chasing after the guy wanting only to finish him off. But Rick, Rick he...," Ren's voice cracked.
He started hyperventilating, the memory of that night was so fresh in his mind. He was fifteen again on that street, the loud squeal of brakes, the distinguishable thud as Rick's body collided with the car. Tina screaming, Murderer! The blood, so much blood, Rick's blood. Then the icy blackness claiming his body as Rick's lifeblood tried to drown him.
Kyoko watched in surprise as the strong man before her curled into a fetal position on the floor his hands covering his ears as sobs racked throughout his body. She did the first thing that came to her mind. She moved so that she could position, his head on her lap.
She stroked his hair and whispered calming words to him, "Sssh, you're okay. I'm here for you. You'll be okay. I promise..." She swiped at the tears on her face that were dripping onto Ren. She didn't know what could have happened to have made him feel so broken. She waited for him to calm down and absentmindedly started threading her fingers through his hair but his hand stopped her. She held his hand instead and occasionally brushed the tears from her own eyes.
She wept with him. She cried for the boy Kuon that was beaten down by society based on his race, for the lonely beautiful child who had low self-esteem, for the 15-year old that had to defend himself from attackers, and for the grown man who had begged earlier not to be hated. She still had no idea what he was about to say before he was pulled into the darkness and left crying on his floor.
As the sobs slowly ebbed, Ren suddenly sat up and looked Kyoko in the eyes. With barely a whisper he said, "I killed him, I killed Rick. It was all my fault that he died."
Kyoko gasped, she was not expecting such a confession. He killed his best friend?! No, no, no, there's no way, she thought, shaking her head in denial. Ren's expression convinced her otherwise. The gentle Ren couldn't possibly be a murderer but the teenager Kuon might have been.
She needed more information so she coaxed him to explain.
"Rick followed me after I ran after the guy that was trying to escape. He told me to stop but I couldn't let my prey get away. Rick was struck by a car while crossing the road." He looked at his hands that were facing palms up on his lap as if seeing something there. "There was so much blood, so much of Rick's blood. Tina kept screaming at me. 'Murderer!'" he told her whispering the word murderer at the end.
Ren felt warm arms encircle him as he stared at his hands. He let himself sink into her floral embrace. He had no doubt that she was his salvation.
Kyoko finally understood what happened. This poor man has been beating himself up over something that was out of his control. He was young and acting out the way some teenagers do and his friend was an unfortunate victim of his behavior.
She let go of him to hold his face, stroking his cheeks with her thumbs hoping it was soothing. This once strong man looked so frail in her hands. She stroked his face until he was through avoiding her eyes and finally made eye contact. "I'm sure you may have heard this before but I can think of no other way of saying it. What happened that night wasn't entirely your fault. Sure if you weren't blinded by rage, Rick wouldn't have had to chase after you. But you weren't driving that car nor did you make Rick cross that street. He was a grown man, he should have looked both ways. It was unfair of Tina to accuse you like that. She was distraught so I'm sure out of fear and anger she looked to the only other person there to blame."
Ren's body sagged. What she said was true, his parents, therapists, and Lory had said similar words to him in the past but he refused to listen. Why did it feel so different hearing it from her?
"Thank you for trusting me and sharing your story with me," she said quietly with a warm smile. Ren's eyes widened as he digested her words. She wasn't looking at him in disgust. In fact, if he wasn't mistaken her face was filled with love and concern. His heart swelled with relief.
Ren asked, "You don't hate me or think I'm a monster?" Kyoko shook her head no, in awe at his insecurities. She really did love him and she was glad he could share his story with her. If only he loved her and not...
"I love you Kyoko! I'm in love with you," Ren blurted out interrupting her thoughts. He had not wanted to confess like this but he was overcome with so much emotion he couldn't hold back anymore.
Kyoko stiffened at his words and dropped her hands from his face, her brain malfunctioned. Did she just imagine what he said? She sat there motionless with glazed eyes. Was she so stupid in love that she was now starting to hallucinate? Her angels were going haywire with delight inside her head while her grudges were taking a beating.
Her silence worried him but he couldn't take back the words. It was the truth and he always planned to tell her tonight. He reached out for her hand but she snatched it away. She finally shook her head clear and whispered, "Lies!"
He knew this would be her reaction. In her eyes, as LoveMe member number one, she probably couldn't believe him. He did not falter though, he was determined for her to understand. "It's the truth, I think I've been in love with you since I first met you."
This finally got a reaction out of her as if her brain finally started working again, she said, "You hated me when we first met, you threw me out of the agency." Ren sighed wearily, he forgot all about their rocky start.
He nodded his head unable to deny her words. "I admit at that time I was displeased with your half-hearted reasons for entering showbiz and then later to find out that all you wanted to do was get revenge on Fuwa. I didn't like the fact that you took something so important to me, to many people, and reduced it to something impure." Kyoko cringed, she figured as much. Ren who took acting seriously really did dislike her motives for wanting to become a celebrity. After, she had discovered her joy in acting she thought less and less about her grudge against Shotaro.
"But I was referring to the very first time we met," he clarified. Now, he had her thoroughly confused.
Instead of explaining further, he decided to just show her and reached up to tug at his hair. Kyoko watched in absolute horror as Ren's hair fell off. He's bald! she screamed internally. He pulled off the stocking cap from his head making golden locks tumble out. Her mind was on autopilot now watching every single move he made closely. Her eyes tracked his movement when he placed the wig then the cap on the table. They stayed glued to his hands as he ran his long fingers through his blonde hair. He has blonde hair?! was the one recurring thought running through Kyoko's mind at the moment until his hands changed direction. Her eyes shifted down when he pulled out a little case from his pocket. Ren had to concentrate as his trembling fingers struggled to unscrew the caps from the case. It was difficult to perform the simple task under Kyoko's heavy scrutiny. I don't think she's put two and two together yet. He kept his eyes downcast the whole time he was removing his contacts. When he was done he blinked several times, took a deep breath, then lifted his head to gaze at her.
Kyoko inhaled sharply as she stared into the eyes she knew so vividly since she was a child. She had met him when they were kids playing by the river and then again briefly on Guam. The eyes of her Fairy Prince stared back into her golden orbs looking at her apologetically. "Corn?" she whispered, breathing again, as tears pricked the corners of her eyes. He looked at her sheepishly and nodded.
He sighed in relief when she smiled warmly at him. "You disappeared so suddenly. I was worried," she said as the tears spilled down her cheeks. She buried her face in her hands. He reached out a hand towards her when she suddenly jerked up. He felt an explosion of pain on the left side of his face as his head twisted to the right. "Fuck!" he exclaimed under his breath. His hand instantly reached up to cradle his cheek. By the time he looked up, she was already heading into the guest room.
Ren watched her retreating back as she headed to her room. He heard the door slam and the distinct click of the lock. Well, at least she didn't leave me...Hooray for small victories! He tried to smile but winced from the pain on his face. He sighed heavily and stood to get an ice pack. Time for some damage control.
AN: Thank you everyone for reading. Your feedback is appreciated. This is how I hope it will go down but at the back of my mind I have a feeling that Ren may get exposed before he even has a chance to tell her. That alternative would be too pitiful for me.
Thank you for the reviews of last chapter.
Until next time, ja ne! ^_^