Chapter 2

The Complaining Party

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"Is it a command chain briefing or a teenage counseling group? What kind of a complaining party is that?" Janeway was annoyed.

She had never heard her senior officers complain so much. And about such ridiculous things, too. Whining and talking over each other like a bunch of offended school kids. Even Tuvok looked like one, though he talked little. But the others totally lost it, even First Officer Chakotay, who also lately lost his permanent smile and looked like a lost puppy…

Well, who'd have thought that her brave "angry warrior" would be so upset by bumping into her on the mess hall the other day, and suddenly having his clothes melt on him from her spilled coffee and drop down in shreds, making a fool of himself in front of her and twenty-odd crewmembers. She herself had rather enjoyed the view. But she avoided drinking the remaining coffee, and was right – the science lab reported it to be paint solvent, complete with solved paint. She actually owed Chakotay one. Neelix, of course, was totally clueless about the origin of this strange "coffee substitute". And he had a lot of grievances of his own to complain about.

"Well, sometimes the Captain also has to play Mom…" Aloud she said, clapping her hands for silence:

"Alright, stop it, all of you. You are officers and qualified specialists – so act like it! Let's hear the reports in order. First Officer Chakotay, you begin. About the state of the crew, not about yourself, please".

Chakotay gave her a sulking offended look, but stood up and stepped to the demonstration screen.

"These are pictures from reports that arrived in the past three weeks, and especially the last week" he began. "Mostly taken by the other crew members for fun and exchanged widely around the ship now. Some cases will be new to you. I had to threaten some lower deck crewmembers to get both the pictures and the official reports out of them".

Tuvok nodded almost sympathetically. He already had to do it too. Though he discreetly avoided writing a report about himself... or two reports by now.

The cases grew in number.

The lower decks showering facilities were (quite unsurprisingly) leading in pranks. Except that the latest of those pranks not only made the victims dirty with yet another strange substance – the wall was cracked open, and that was already sabotage, not fun.

The gym and the holodecks, the mess hall and the recreation rooms... Getting less and less funny as bruises and sprains and even a couple of broken arms accompanied the damage done to the facilities.

This had to be stopped.

Then, by rank order, it was Tuvok's turn to report. He too had some new cases to present, including Neelix's predicament this morning, or rather two predicaments. Tuvok then added that he himself "got involved in it", but didn't elaborate on the details. Instead he quickly passed on to another part of that case. The ensign with the cleaning machine found an egg-like object brightly colored in swirls of red, white and green in the heap of ice-cream, and brought it to Tuvok and Neelix's table. Neelix denied that it was part of his provisions, and so Tuvok confiscated it as evidence. Now he had two colored ovoids. So far the objects remained unidentified and needed a lab analysis. They could be important in solving the mystery. Tuvok presented the objects to the meeting, but didn't allow them to be passed along.

"Looks familiar!" said Harry Kim. "I picked a similar thing from under the mess hall's counter the other day, after Commander Chakotay…" Harry paused under Chakotay's menacing look of "don't you dare!" and coughed irresolutely. "After something strange happened with the Captain's coffee, turning it to solvent", he managed to rephrase it safely. Janeway gave him a motherly smile. Chakotay gave him another menacing look for good measure, but nodded slightly.

"And where is that object now?" asked Tuvok.

"I placed it on the counter", said Harry. "I thought it was for cooking. The coloring was a bit different, by the way: red, brown and black".

"Nice, Harry," said Tom. "Someone less honest than you has already taken it to play with. Or it was the culprit himself".

"I now remember I saw something like that in some junior stuff's quarters", Chakotay's eyes narrowed with thought. "I just forgot who it was. But I'll track them down, Tuvok, now that it's piece of evidence".

Tuvok ended his report by insisting on an official shipwide investigation of the matter. In his opinion, these pranks could be something more than just practical jokes of the bored crew. So, all the senior officers agreed to begin inquiring around their departments and search for any other colored eggs. Someone might keep them as souvenirs, for all they knew. Those eggs looked rather nice.

Tuvok himself said he would begin calculating the probabilities of the next pranks in computer simulations. And take other forensic measures on all the crime scenes known so far.

Neelix nodded enthusiastically, mouthing to Tuvok: "Take me! Take me!" When Tuvok rolled his eyes and proudly looked away, Neelix said aloud:

"I can help Mister Vulcan to investigate it all, I am the Morale Officer! And this prankster is damaging my mess hall!"

Janeway, smiling, announced: "All right, make it so!"

Tuvok sighed audibly.

"What about you yourself, Tuvok?" asked Janeway then, eyeing Tuvok with the eyes of a woman who notices every little detail. "Have you decided to change you style lately or is it something else?"

Tuvok looked uncomfortable, his cheeks under considerably grown stubble getting darker, with a cucumber-green shade. He straightened tensely and said reluctantly: "This prankster keeps hiding my razor. Or rather, stealing it, because I searched everywhere. I replicated several new ones, but they keep disappearing".

Chakotay smiled for the first time in two days. "Take mine, Lieutenant-Commander. I'll be happy to share".

"And I", added both Neelix and Tom in unison. Harry Kim nodded in support.

"Thank you, gentlemen, but I must decline your offer. I logically surmise that if I borrow razors from you, they will disappear too. Also I am used to special configuration of razor blades".

Chakotay shrugged a silent "suit yourself". "Maybe Tuvok with a beard will mellow a little, who knows…"

"You know, you can shave in my quarters any time", offered Neelix generously. "We are partners now".

"No thanks!" retorted Tuvok resolutely, his cheeks now resembling deep-colored moss, the dark green spreading to his ears. Tom and Harry giggled openly; Chakotay and B'Elanna hid their giggles under face palms. Kes's eyes got as big as saucers. The Doctor was turning his head in puzzlement from one of them to another, his face saying: "Am I missing something here?"

Janeway, smiling, came to rescue of the Vulcan dignity. "Alright, that's enough. You may aid Chief Tuvok with his investigation, Neelix, but please keep in line".

"I will, ma'am Captain, I will!" shouted Neelix enthusiastically, giving a wink to Tuvok. Tuvok glared back.

"I can help too," said Tom Paris. "Count on me, Tuvok. Always liked playing detective as a kid. And I like scavenger hunts too".

"It is not a game, Mr. Paris", replied a still-cross-browed Tuvok, now seated and slowly regaining his normal color. "Some of the incidents have already been traumatizing to the crew".

"Right," agreed B'Elanna Torres. "Yesterday poor Vorik had a huge spray of lubricant suddenly shoot at him from nowhere, slipped and fell off the catwalk. It wasn't high, but he fell on me! So I was more traumatized!"

"I shall tell him to behave, Miss Torres", said Tuvok, frowning with concern. "He must show more respect to you". Tom Paris nodded his hearty agreement to this. Pon Farr or not, Vorik still was eyeing B'Elanna too much, in Tom's opinion. And now what, falling on her?

"Oh, tell it to the whole damn shift in Engineering! They were snickering for hours after that. Like they had nothing to do," – said B'Elanna, now blushing herself, a nice purplish-pink color. "Vorik and I are good, nothing broken, it's just… And nothing was broken on the first level catwalk, so where did that lubricant even come from?"

"And was there an ovoid object anywhere near the catwalk?" asked Tuvok.

"Hmmm, now that you mention it… Ensigns Krutikov and Dubois discussed some "Faberge' souvenir"… after they were done with snickering. You better ask them. Easter eggs are not my thing really".

"Thank you, Miss Torres, I definitely will ask them", said Tuvok, graciously inclining his head. Now he was back on safe ground, and all shade of green on his face disappeared. The stubble remained though, and he briefly thought that his wife would disapprove.

"I can help too, I can use my telepathic abilities", offered Kes shyly. "Scan the mood of the crew. Maybe I can even help predict the next incident. Maybe all this is an infiltration to destroy the crew morale?"

Tuvok nodded gratefully to her. At least someone really understood him on this ship among those telepathically deaf but chaotically emotional humans, Bajorans, half-Klingons, Talaxians, holograms… Well, except young Vorik, of course, and the late Lon Suder, peace to his troubled katra… When dealing with criminals, Suder, a reformed criminal and a telepath, would have indeed been a much more preferable "sidekick" than Neelix… There still were three other Betazoids on board though – and other telepath/empaths could indeed be instrumental for the investigation. More than this idiot Talaxian who never thought before saying things...

"Don't worry, my dear Kes!" Neelix lifted his head proudly. "Detective Neelix will disclose any threat to the crew morale!"

Janeway decided it was time to call the meeting off and start doing something useful.

"I think all of us will gladly help Tuvok with this investigation. You officially have carte-blanche, Mister Tuvok". Seeing the Vulcan's puzzled gaze, she clarified: "That means: you can utilize any resources and recruit any crewmen you find necessary. You and Mr. Neelix, who now reports to you. Just make sure people don't forget their direct duties. This is all very entertaining, and we are currently in an almost empty space – but all of this is disrupting the ship's order. Time to bring in the justice!"

"And time to finally bring me and Mister Vulcan together!" declared a beaming Neelix. Now both Tuvok and Kes sent the idiot a death glare.

Another round of giggles passed the briefing table. Janeway clapped her hands to silence it and announced:

"Dismissed, ladies and gentlemen! The game is on!"

A merry violin theme from the classical 21st century TV show "Sherlock" blasted from the screen, but nobody was really surprised. The members of the complaining party poured out of the briefing room. They didn't see what happened to Janeway when they left her alone.