Chapter 3
Sherlock Di of Vulcan"Does Vulcan have a Sherlock Holmes?" Tom Paris asked suddenly.
"Excuse me?" Tuvok raised his head from the computer screen, where he was running simulations.
They were in one of science labs that Tuvok appropriated for his own use today, after he, Paris and Neelix had visited Engineering, lower decks showering facilities and other most recent crime scenes they learned about at the morning briefing. In addition to scanning the scenes, they picked up samples of some substances that might or might not be unknown alien tissue or unknown technology by-products. Their tricorders were totally confused at that.
At least now they had something to work on in addition to the strange "eggs", thanks (arguably) to the untidiness of some crewmen. They also found three more of the "eggs". Ensign Krutikov was very upset to part with his "Faberge' souvenir" (green and purple forming almost flower-like ornaments on the red background) and tried to protest. Tuvok was about to resort to threats, but Neelix promised a Russian-style Easter party and had Krutikov properly bribed.
("Do you know that the Old Russian tradition is to kiss publicly at their Easter parties? Regardless of gender, status and age?" Tuvok asked Neelix when the three of them exited Ensigns Krutikov and Dubois's shared quarters. Neelix obviously didn't know. "And how do you know that, Tuvok?"- snickered Paris. "I served with Russians on my first ship, sharing quarters," – Tuvok looked as if he wanted to neck-pinch Tom. "Relax, Tuvok, it's only on the cheek! I served with Russians too, even had a Russian girlfriend," – said Paris jovially. "And that Easter kissing is, like, a pacifistic action". That didn't placate Tuvok at all. "Three times!" he uttered with disgust). *
Two of the colorful objects were now sent to two other labs, with a Security Chief's order to test all of their chemical and physical properties. One was sent to sickbay to determine any biochemical properties, any possible signs of life and any biohazard.
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Tuvok was now busy feeding data into one of the science terminals and calculating possible scenarios and places of any possible new pranks. Tom had tried to suggest holodeck simulations, but Tuvok decided to be cautious and not take unnecessary risks. Especially because there already have been some strange cases on holodecks lately. And because he heard the story of the Professor Moriarty hologram on Captain Picard's Enterprise-D: the holo-replica of the great criminal mind became sentient and took over the ship. A hologram gone rogue was a valid theory to consider in their case too. And anyway, holodecks had malfunctioned and caused trouble often enough even before the prankster started pranking. So Tuvok was against holodecks until he checked and cleared them all. This disappointed Tom Paris a lot and made Tuvok's work on simulations double, but at least it was a safe method.
Tom was now sitting opposite Tuvok on one of the large lab tables, dangling his legs. A tricorder, a tray of beakers and a pile of small plastic sample bags lay beside him, clearly forgotten.
"Come on, Tuvok, I know you read all about Sherlock Holmes. You Vulcans are all about logic – and so was Sherlock. I'm asking: was there anyone like him on Vulcan? A great solo detective?"
Tuvok mused for a couple of seconds.
"Vulcan history did not exactly have "solo detectives" like Earth. But the name of Aihash of Raal ** comes to mind".
"Aha! Well, what did he do? Tell me".
"He was a great mind lord*** long before the Surak era, possessing formidable telepathic powers and incredible intelligence". Tuvok's voce took on the sonorous intonation of a story-teller, different from his usual all-too-even speech. Paris smiled approvingly and prepared to listen. It's not every day that you get the aloof Vulcan to actually tell a story. Paris definitely struck a nerve here.
"And he ended all crimes in his kingdom", Tuvok was now staring past his computer and past Tom, deep into the ages, "because he could deduce and find all the culprits easily. With the help of his guards and disciples, of course, who caught the culprits and brought before him. But he preferred to lead the search himself, using his deductive skills and outstanding telepathic powers. Everyone feared him and admired him. He could even find criminals who were only planning a crime. Then he subjected the criminals to most gruesome public executions to intimidate others. In three decades he totally eradicated all crime in Raal, great and small, and no crimes happened there while he lived. He became so famous that other mind lords sought alliance with him and asked his assistance in dealing with crimes. He even prevented several assassinations of high lords, but eventually was assassinated himself, by his own son", – Tuvok slightly shook his head in disapproval at such carelessness.
Then he continued: "Stories about Aihash's famous cases remained in history books. Not that I approve of all his methods, of course, but his investigative skills were… much to learn from. And if to compare our planets' histories, I would rather compare him to Judge Di**** of Ancient China, not to Sherlock Holmes".
Tom jumped at the chance to show off his erudition:
"Aha, I remember – Judge Di was a medieval Chinese detective, he tortured his suspects to make them confess, and then sent them to executions. Very gruesome ones. And he had those kung-fu sidekicks and liked a good brawl himself. And he had four wives! So your Aihash of… of wherever he came from… he tortured people for confessions too? And had a lot of wives?"
"Negative about the latter – Vulcans were monogamists in all eras. He had only one wife… who liked to watch executions and torture. Yes, he tortured people for confessions – but not their bodies with crude medieval devices like your Judge Di did. Aihash was a mind lord, and he tortured minds".
"Oh. And how did he do it? Like they did in old Earth jails – playing the same annoying tune non-stop for days?"
"Not as primitive as that. He was the strongest telepath of his era – so he entered the others' minds, dominated and devastated those, making people live their biggest fears and biggest humiliations imaginable. He took the darkest parts of their minds and turned them against the criminals. And he made no difference between crime already committed and a crime that was only in one's thoughts. His way of mind torture made people break and confess everything, even things they only wanted to do. Some were killed by his mind-powers, dying from horror and shame; others who survived were later sentenced to public death. Those he dealt with in such a fashion considered physical suffering and painful death much more preferable. They were even willing to die by simple physical execution".
Tom processed all this, and said:
"Hmmm… Pretty scary. But will make a nice plot for a holoplay – a new episode with Chaotica… Your mind lord was a much bigger villain, by the way".
"But he ended all crimes and his kingdom prospered".
"Yeah, but not all people there lived long, I guess. That's a creepy role-model to have, Tuvok… no offense". Tom's eyes suddenly brightened with an idea: "Why don't you do it, by the way?"
"Do what, Mr. Paris?"
"Use it in your investigation! You know… call a suspect in, grab his face, scramble his mind, scare him out of his wits and drive him crazy – and bingo! You've got a confession, and the scoundrel is crying with shame on the floor. Doctor Chaotica with his primitive mind-probing devices will die from envy".
Tuvok narrowed his eyes, stood up and took a step towards Paris. "You want me to try it on you, Mr. Paris?"
Paris slightly backed away. "N-no… You mean you actually can do that?"
"My Extrasensory Perception Index is high", Tuvok informed him matter-of-factly. "And I had individual training in Mind Disciplines, a Kohlinar initiation and extensive Military Intelligence training, including various methods of interrogation. Maybe I have not the powers of Aihash, but the effect would be similar".
"Great," muttered Tom, cautiously backing away some more. "Do you suspect me of anything, Chief Tuvok?"
Tuvok stuck an accusing finger at a startled Tom and then at the lab table he sat on. "I suspect you of neglecting your duties and wasting my time, Mr. Paris!"
"What?" Tom regretted that conversation already.
"You promised to help me. You volunteered to work on the samples. That is why we are here in this laboratory… wasting time!"
"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble – I've angered a Vulcan!" – thought Tom. Angry Vulcans tended to get physical, so he heard. Or mental, which was scarier. And Tuvok didn't just brag about his skills. Also Tuvok melded with that killer guy Suder…
Aloud Tom said defensively: "I'm a nurse, not a scientist!"
"Don't try that on me! Besides, the famous Doctor McCoy you are trying to unsuccessfully imitate now had degrees in Exobiology, Psychology and Xenophychology, and was a scientist. I met him. And all I asked from you was to perform some simple tests – and all you do is chat!"
"Whoa, Tuvok, it's alright, calm down..." Tom threw his hands up. "I'll do it; I was just bored and trying to distract you…"
"And here we have a confession". Tuvok channeling his ancient hero-villain was definitely not someone to argue with. "The tests. Now!"
"Yes sir, sure, of course... I just need some things." Paris scrambled off the table and carefully edged past Tuvok to the storage room door.
Tuvok scowled after him. He and Tom Paris usually got along well, but sometimes Tom really got out of line… When the door of the storage room closed, Tuvok returned to his computer simulations. But he was distracted again.
Suddenly the storage room door shook from Tom's desperate screams: "Tuvoook! Heeelp! Heeeelp meee! Tuuuvooook!"
Tuvok jumped up from his chair and rushed to the door, pulling out his phaser and hitting the entry control panel with the force of an angry Vulcan…
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Running inside the storage room, he halted abruptly, stared, and then put his hand to his mouth to mute what sounded very much like a snort of laughter.
"Tuuuvok… Stop it…" came Tom's plaintive whining. "Help me get out…"
Tom was in trouble. He was stuck on all fours in some pink sticky substance not unlike a big puddle of bubble-gum. It didn't take great deductive efforts to deduce that he had lost his balance when his feet got stuck in it and fell forward on his hands which got glued to the floor too. As a result his backside was high up in the air facing the door and his reddened face was trying to peek between his legs to look at Tuvok.
Tuvok thought he had seen it all when he found Neelix sitting penguin-like on an egg this morning (Tuvok pushed aside the recollection of himself covered in disgusting cold substance that melted on him). But this was a new low for embarrassment. And somehow it seemed a fitting punishment for Mr. Paris's irresponsible attitude to his work.
Except that it yet again fell on Tuvok to get the victim out the mess. And this was embarrassing for him. Not to mention that it meant getting himself dirty. These thoughts were like a bucket of ice water.
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And of course, in the process of squeamishly extracting an almost crying Tom Paris from this sticky situation (the lab chemicals and instruments proved useful) Security Chief Tuvok found yet another colorful egg-like object amid the puddle of pink bubble-gum.
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*"Three times!" Both Tuvok and Paris are right. The traditional Russian Orthodox Easter celebration includes family members and guests exchanging colored Easter eggs and kissing each other three times on the cheek (right-left-right or left-right-left) "for the love of Christ". Same is done at church gatherings on Easter and even in working collectives. Tuvok served and shared quarters with a Russian named Dmitry when he was a young ensign under Captain Sulu's command. Even though Tuvok and Dmitry got along well, it is highly doubtful that Tuvok at any age would be willing to kiss his fellow crewmen, even for celebration ))).
**Aihash of Raal – a fictional character of my invention. Semi-legendary figure. An ancient Vulcan royalty, a tyrant who ruled by intimidation and hypnosis, using his formidable telepathic powers. He had a large staff of royal guards and spies who terrorized people, but was feared personally most of all. His name means "Holy Terror" (from Vulcan "vai vash"), and may be a title. One of the great ancient "mind lords" of the warring feudal Vulcan before Surak, he was also famous for his detective talents. While his labors on law enforcement and eradicating crimes were appreciated by the later, post-Surak generations, his ruthless and cruel methods were condemned by them.
***the Mind Lords of Vulcan – part of Star Trek semi-canon, met in novels. They were strong telepaths of ancient feudal times who practiced an early way of Kohlinar to enhance their mental abilities, but used it for personal gain of power, wealth and revenge.
**** Di Renjie or Judge Di (var. Judge Dee) – a historical figure who lived in the 7th century AD, during the period of Tang Dynasty in China. An Imperial government official, he was famous for solving criminal cases and enforcing law. He became a legendary hero. Legends were written down by anonymous authors for centuries, sometimes with supernatural plots. In the middle of the 20th century Robert van Gulik, a Dutch diplomat, linguist and sinologist, translated a book of them, introducing Chinese detective fiction to the Western readers. Then he himself wrote a large series of books and comic books about Judge Di on the basis of those legends, adding his own original plots. This made him a famous writer, and Judge Di became popular in the West as "the Chinese Sherlock Holmes". Other writers and film directors followed Van Gulik's steps, creating many more works around the character of Judge Di.