Many thanks to all my reviewers and your eternal patience with my ever-fickle muse. One of my guests helped solve a snag in this chapter with their comment, so whoever you are, thank you! Another of my guest reviewers suggested a Cissnei/Zack/Aerith love triangle. Sadly, I've never played Crisis Core (cries) so I don't feel I could pull that off although a cameo might be interesting. XD

Chapter 15: Cloud is a horrible person

"I'm dying Cloud," Yuffie moaned, her head lolling against the window of the buggy with each bounce on the uneven terrain. "Just leave me at the side of the road. Be sure to bequeath a generous donation of materia for my funeral."

"We ain't on a road, and ya' ain't dying'," Barret snorted, ruffling the young woman's hair. "'Sides, when you die you do the bequeathin'."

"I'm sure we'll put your donation to good use," Zack chimed in with a toothy grin.

"You know," the young ninja half moaned, half growled, "when I suggested the buggy thing, it was only to get us across the river. I didn't expect us to keep it."

Red XIII gave a feline shrug and murmured, "Well, it is faster than walking."

"Look on the bright side kid, at least ol' tone deaf over there ain't tryin' ta' sing anymore," Barret offered, jerking his thumb toward Zack with a weak smile.

She glowered at him and the suddenly pouting SOLDIER. "Cloud only made him stop because he was making me puke more."

"Less puking is better, right?" Zack scratched the back of his head, torn between holding his pout and laughing sheepishly.

In the front portion of the buggy, Cait Sith spread his arms in wide gestures, flashing his red cape. "While I will admit that your White Cape is fabulous, it would look dull on me and utterly wash out my Mog. Red is clearly the best and the boldest!"

"Red may be a bold color," Aerith countered, "but white goes with pretty much anything. Not to mention, red against purple is..." She trailed off, a half-smile twitching briefly across her face. Tifa exchanged a grimace with the Ancient, absurdly grateful that Cait Sith missed the exchange.

Instead, the feline paused, peered at Cloud's violet ensemble, and then shuddered dramatically. "Aye she's right. Avoid that combination at all costs."

Cloud's fists tightened on the buggy's steering wheel, the leather squeaking in protest. "Way ahead of you there," he mumbled darkly.

The sun was dipping in its path as Cloud skirted a patch of jungle with the blackened remnants of a reactor knifing from the canopy.

"Pull over!" Yuffie cried.

"He can't pull over, we ain't on a road," Barret huffed.

"Well then STOP!" she snarled.

Cloud braked and peered at her through the rear-view mirror. "More monsters?" he asked, raising one blond brow. "Or are you going to be sick again?"

"I will if we keep going," she grumbled, then pointed to the forest. "Let's stop at Gongaga for the night. If we start early in the morning, we'll reach Cosmo Canyon by evening."

Cloud's gaze flicked to his friend. Zack frowned, opened his mouth, closed it and murmured, "Yeah, let's stop. I have business here too."

The blond hesitated, whether the others forgot or didn't know, Gongaga was Zack's home town. The former SOLDIER First's violet eyes met his blue in the mirror and Zack nodded once.

"Alright," Cloud agreed, steering the monstrous vermillion vehicle to the edge of the thick jungle surrounding the village. He stopped near an overgrown, dirt track that meandered into the foliage. Before the wheels even settled, Yuffie scrambled out and heaved a massive sigh of relief. When the others disembarked, her stomach gurgled and she clapped her hands over it, pink rising on her cheeks.

Barret snorted and ruffled her hair, "No shock there kid. Ya' left your breakfast back in the desert."

"You also refused lunch," Red XIII chimed in, butting his head under her right hand. Instinctively, her fingers stroked behind his ears and the edge of his jaw, evoking a rumbling noise of pleasure.

After a few scratches, she paused and frowned down at his coarse mane. "Some of your feathers and beads are coming out." She plucked a few glass beads and a pair of feathers from their loosened braids. "Remind me when we start out again and I'll braid them for you."

"I accept your proposition with gratitude," the leonine murmured in response.

Cloud came to her side and handed Yuffie a stack of Gil. "Since you insisted on the stop, I'm putting you in charge of getting fuel for the buggy." The young woman jutted her lower lip in a pout, but shoved the money into her pocket and followed the others up the rocky path through the jungle.

The afternoon sunlight dappled the ground and foliage like golden coins. Insects hummed and clicked in the warm, humid air. Within minutes, the humans of the group perspired freely. "Ugh," Tifa huffed to Aerith. "I don't know how you can wear that bolero in this heat!"

"Me?" Aerith giggled. "What about you? Your hair is like a blanket!"

"No kidding," Tifa sighed, lifting her hair away from the back of her neck with a grimace. "It looks like I'll have to put it up." She combed her fingers through her thick locks, removing the elastic band from the end.

Aeris stood behind her and helped her friend twist her hair into a low ponytail. "Kinda glad I have short hair," Yuffie murmured to the males of the party. Zack nodded emphatically and then frowned, tilting his head to the side as if he heard something.

Cloud narrowed his eyes and listened as well. After a moment, he realized what he'd thought was clicking bugs sounded more like... cameras. A prickling sensation traveled down his body as the fine hairs on his arms and back of his neck stood on end. He opened his suddenly dry mouth to call the alarm, but the bushes rustled and a small yellow frog plopped on the path just ahead. The amphibian inexplicably rose on its hind legs, swaying as if dancing to some unheard tune.

"Ooh! A Touch Me!" Zack hummed, a wide grin spreading over his face.

Adrenaline already pushed to the limit, Cloud whipped out his Force Stealer and obliterated the monster with a Climhazzard attack. The small monster dissolved in a spray of blood and faded back into the Lifestream, a handful of gil clattering to the ground in its wake. Cloud landed and carelessly flicked the gore from his blade before returning it to his back.

"Damn," Barret whistled. "Bit of an overkill wasn't that?"

Aerith clutched her hands over her open mouth and cried, "That poor froggy!"

"Aw," Zack sighed in agreement, patting the pink clad woman on the back. "It was only one Cloud, you could have just scared it off." Aerith nodded frantically, her green eyes shimmering with tears.

The blond rolled his eyes and scooped the gil into his pouch. "Fine," he huffed, setting off down the path. "Next time we meet a Touch Me, I'll leave it alone."

With one last look at the fading smears on the ground, Aerith and the others followed. Not much further up the path, Cloud and Barret paused at the sound of Reno's distinctive drawl.

"So level with me man." The navy-suited Turk spat out his cigarette stub and crushed it under his heel. "If ya' had a chance with the girls, which one would ya' pick?" Reno asked, tossing his crimson rat tail back over his shoulder with a flick of his head. "I mean, without losin' yer head to an FBS."

Rude raised a single eyebrow.

"Ya know, 'effin Big Sword.'" Reno mimed swinging something like a bat. "Me, I'd go with Aerith, she's got this apple pie sweetheart thing goin' for her. 'S too bad she's hot for Zack. How 'bout you?" He waggled his eyebrows at his partner.

Rude folded his arms and looked down. "Hey man, ya' don't need to be embarrassed jes' answer the question," Reno prodded, nudging the other man's foot with a toe.

After a drawn out silence he sighed, "...Tifa."

"Tifa!" Reno crowed. "Yeah man, I totally get you. That gal's one hot piece of work. So what drew ya' to her? The eyes, the curves, the ability to suplex a Grand Horn? But man, I feel bad for Elena..."

Rude tilted his head to the side, pondering his partner's statement and then shook his head sharply. "It's not like that. She likes Tseng."

"Wha? No way!" Reno gaped. "I didn't know that. Still sucks for her though, Tseng's hung up on the Ancient. He's been watching over her for years."

"What the?" Zack hissed to Aerith. "Did you know about that?"

Aerith rolled her eyes, "Of course I did. He was protecting me."

"Why the hell are they gossipin' here?" Barret muttered to Red XIII, waving a pesky mosquito away from his ear.

"They're always like this," Elena sighed approaching the party from behind. "Constantly gossiping about who they are attracted to. Thank heaven Tseng isn't like that he-"

"Hey, isn't Elena late?" Reno asked, sliding his coat back to free his mag rod.

"Oh crap," Elena cursed, running past them with a wink for Cloud. She raised her voice and called, "They're here! Get ready!"

"It's show time." The red-haired Turk smirked, pulling his weapon free.

"Right, we're counting on you, I'll go report to Tseng." The blonde saluted and dashed up the fork leading to the destroyed reactor.

Reno strutted down the trail and drawled, "Ya' know, we weren't sure we'd catch you here since we couldn't get much from that whacko at the Gold Saucer."

One of Rude's eyebrows rose over the frame of his sunglasses and he frowned down at his partner.

"Yeah, yeah, I know I din' try very hard 'fore I gave up," Reno reluctantly admitted, his tone turning to a whine. "The guy creeped me out! Not only was he wanderin' around in that tripped out, orange Speedo, the guy was cracking walnuts with his pecs! Ya' gotta admit, that's freaky man."

Tsking at the bald man's noncommittal grunt, the Turk turned his attention to the party. "Crazy man aside, I got a black mark on my record now, so I'm lookin' forward to some payback for Sector Seven."

A feral smile pulled at the corner of Tifa's lips and an anticipatory gleam lit in her burnt umber eyes. She stroked the lightning-based Ramuh summon in her Carbon Bangle and hummed, "So am I."

Reno's grin wavered for a second then he snapped his mag rod to its full extension with the smooth sound of metal against metal. "Let's do this!" He whooped.

Cloud and his allies tensed, readying their weapons for battle. Reno faltered and then yelped, "Wait a minute! All of you are gonna fight?"

"Of course," Red XIII huffed in disgust. "We would only prove ourselves imbeciles by refusing to utilize the obvious advantage."

"I never new about this." Reno whined, shooting a dirty look at Cait Sith. "How long you all been fightin' together like some kinda' street gang?"

"As long as I've been here," the cat answered with a shrug.

Zack snorted, "So you're scared then? Should some of us stay back to give you a handicap?"

"Now that's goin' too far!" Reno protested. "We ain't scared of nothin'. Right Rude?"

The bald man flexed his fingers in his leather gloves and his mouth drew down in a firm line.

"'S what I thought," Reno smirked as though his partner responded verbally. "Jes' make sure not to go easy on them, even if some of 'em are girls."

The males of the party stiffened and froze. They turned to face the girls with glacial speed as if moving too fast would draw their attention. Yuffie snorted and murmured, "I don't even know these guys, so I'm just going to watch this one."

"'Even if some are girls?'" Tifa repeated, her tone colder than Aerith's Shiva attack. "Aerith, how about you show him a new flavor of 'apple pie'?"

Aerith's green eyes gleamed and she bared her teeth in a dangerous smile. "Reversed 'Shock and Awe'?" she proposed, raising her right eyebrow. Her hand hovered over her Carbon Bangle, the Enemy Skill Materia glowing with menacing intensity.

"Reversed Shock and Awe," Tifa agreed, her own smile turning vicious as she stroked the crimson Ramuh summon on her Bangle.

The unholy glee on Aerith's face so shockingly reminded the men of when she was in the grip of Fury that they slowly backed away from the ladies. Confused but trusting their instincts, Yuffie and Caith Sith did likewise.

Reno had time to open his mouth in concern only to be engulfed in the concussive blasts of water from Aerith's Aqualung attack. When the water receded, the red-haired Turk coughed and spluttered, swaying on his feet. The sodden right shoulder of his navy blazer slipped down to his elbow.

"That was 'Awe'," Aerith hummed, backing up to let Tifa have the stage.

"Now for 'Shock'," The martial artist beamed at the pair and raised her arm. Rude muttered something unpleasant and cast Magic Barrier on Reno and himself just before the Ramuh summon activated. The crystalline shields shuddered under the summon's blue-edged lightning attack. Once the stone mountain and lightning sage vanished, Rude peered at the watch on his wrist, shook it and frowned in dismay.

"It is time," he murmured to his partner, before turning and loping away. Reno sighed and patted his static-spiked hair mournfully before scowling once more at Caith Sith. The red-head pulled a long staff from his storage and hurled it at the stuffed feline, knocking him from his perch on the Mog. He swiftly dashed down the trail after his partner.

"...Well that was anticlimactic," Red XIII murmured, dropping to his haunches and scratching his right ear with a hind paw.

"Maybe for us," Zack snickered, untangling the Mog from the deep violet toned staff. The corner of his mouth twitched and he remarked, "Looks like your admirer left you a gift Aerith. Hey Cloud, you took the advanced weapons course, what do you think?"

Cloud took the staff and turned it over in his hands. "It's a Fairy Tale. It isn't much stronger than your Striking Staff, but as you can see, it has quite a few more materia slots."

"Is that 'advanced weapons course' how you knew the Wizard Staff back in the Corel mountains had double materia growth?" Tifa asked.

The blond nodded, "Yes, my Force Stealer and Yuffie's Wind Slash have double growth too."

Yuffie blinked down at her bladed fan. "How do you know?"

"The contacts are different," Cloud explained, holding the staff upright so Aerith could transfer her materia.

Yuffie popped the Throw materia from her Carbon Bangle and the Choco-Mog summon from her Wind Slash and inspected the materia ports. "Huh, they are. No wonder my summon already leveled," she mused.

"That's all fine and good," Barret interjected, pausing to grimace as Cloud fed Aerith's Striking Staff into his pouch. "But ain't any of you wonderin' how the hell they knew we were comin' this way?"

"Not really," Cloud murmured, shooting Zack a careful glance.

"Are you suggesting it was due to an act of espionage?" Red XIII asked.

Yuffie snorted, "Why bother? There's a 24 hour fan feed tracking us with constant updates on the Neo-Avalanche Fan hub." She brandished her PHS and shrugged. "They've already posted over one hundred shots of the battle we just fought."

"What? No way!" Tifa gaped, grasping the younger woman's wrist and peering at the screen.

Cloud looked up with a frown and peered into the foliage. "We were surrounded earlier, but it seems like they've backed off. Maybe you scared them?" He joked to Aerith and Tifa who bumped fists and giggled.

Sobering, Cloud clapped a hand on Zack's left shoulder and murmured, "There are a few things to pick up at the reactor and trail before we hit town. Feel free to go into town ahead of us."

The former SOLDIER inhaled deeply through his nose and nodded. He slipped into the surrounding jungle with the faintest of rustles, searching out the back faint trails and shortcuts of his childhood.

Near the edge of the jungle and far from Gongaga, Reno slumped on the ground, arms hanging over his raised knees. "Hey man, think you could catch my dignity for me?"

Rude frowned and grunted noncommittally. "Too busy catching your own?" Reno translated. The bald man nodded once.

Reno flopped onto his back, prodding at a burn on his lip with his tongue, "We ain't paid enough for this, right man?"

Rude silently studied a burnt patch on his sleeve. "Right," Reno continued, reading Rude's silence. He tilted his head listening, and then a slow smirk spread across his face. "Hey ladies!" he called to the underbrush around them. "Think we can get a cut of the profits since we provided half the entertainment?"

Muffled squeaks sounded from the foliage followed by the rustling of running feet. Reno snickered at the fading sounds of the fleeing observers and then sat up with a groan. "When's that chopper gonna get here?" he asked, running his fingers through his rat-tail in an attempt to dissipate more of the static.

Rude peered at his wristwatch, forgetting the lightning attack fried it, and scowled down at its singed face. "Tseng said Scarlet wanted to inspect the derelict reactor."

"Scarlet?" Reno yelped, accidentally yanking his own hair. "Aw man, with her along, who knows how long it'll take 'em. 'Specially if they run inta' Cloud and all."

Rude huffed in agreement, "Let us hope they don't meet, you know how she feels about that group."

Reno grimaced, "Ugh, no kiddin'. We may be on the same team, but that lady freaks me out yo. Let's hope Cloud is on the ball enough to avoid her."

The twisted and rusting remains of the Gongaga reactor sat on an unnaturally desolate area in the jungle. Ash and fragments launched from the explosion years before still littered the ground.

Just as they stepped from the tree line into the unnatural wasteland, Aerith's head jerked up and her green eyes flicked from person to person in the party. She hissed through her teeth and cried, "Where's Zack?"

Cloud hid a wince and slipped into a calm expression as the others murmured in confusion. "Damn," Barret murmured, "He's been quiet since we parked, but I guess I shoulda' noticed it was this quiet."

"Where did he go? Why did he leave?" Aerith's voice rose in pitch with each question. "We have to find him!"

"He'll be fine," Cloud interjected, the muscles of his back tensing at the narrow glare the pink-clad woman shot him. "We'll meet up with him in town."

"Why aren't we going after him now?" She demanded, chin raised in defiance. Before Cloud could answer a Heavy Tank burst from the sandy soil and charged the party. The creature looked like a selection of children's toys gone wrong. Standing ten feet tall at the shoulder, it was an amalgam of muscle and machine with a triceratops head, and weightlifter's arms with the body and tread of a tank.

Bellowing in rage, it spun its body around, knocking Yuffie into Cait Sith and sending Red XIII and Tifa to the ground. Aerith doused the beast with an Aqualung attack which Cloud followed with a second level lightning burst to cover Barret as he helped the others to their feet.

Red loosed a deep snarl, a crimson swirl forming in front of his snout. Shooting forward as if launched from a cannon, he unleashed a Blood Fang limit attack on the Heavy Tank. The monster shuddered, gave a gurgling wail at the onslaught and then slumped on its treads.

"Nice work Red," Yuffie chirped as she accepted a handful of potions from Cloud. Red's ears laid flat on his skull, his tail lashed in fiery figure-eights, but he acknowledged the remark with a light bob of his head.

"That thing was pretty tough," Barret mused, opening some potions for Red XIII. He drew up short at the sight of Cait Sith slurping down a potion. "Ain't you a machine?"

Cait lowered the empty bottle and then gave an exaggerated bow. "Indeed I am. I am of the most impeccable workmanship!" he bragged with one gloved hand on his chest.

"Then why the hell does that potion work on you?" the burly man asked, one bushy brow raised in question.

"Ah, such a philosophical question!" Cait sang and spun on top of his Mog. "In truth, I do not know, but perhaps it is the same reason mechanical monsters like those you fought in Midgar dissolve into the Lifestream?"

Barret's mouth opened and then closed, his brow lowering. He shook his head sharply and growled, "Urgh, this makes my head hurt!"

Cloud's mako-bright blue eyes narrowed at the tuxedo cat and he hummed once before calling, "Let's get going. Despite the nice payout, I'd rather we avoid any more of these." He took the lead with Barret at his side. The ladies took center with Cait Sith and Red XIII in the rear continuing their murmured discussion about the Lifestream and the nature of life.

Soon the slightly diminished party crossed the blast area into the ruins of the old reactor. As they wove through the mouldering concrete and rusting steelworks, Tifa grimaced at the tread marks on the ashy soil. Apparently more Heavy Tanks frequented the area. At her side, Aerith struggled to tone down her whine as she once again asked, "Why aren't we going after Zack?"

Cloud fought a grimace, he hoped that she forgot her query in the heat of the battle, sadly it didn't look like a monster attack would conveniently distract her this time. Just as he opened his mouth, he froze at the distant sound of an approaching helicopter. He waved the others deeper into the wreckage and called, "We've got company coming, we need to hide."

Cloud ushered the group into a dark hollow beneath what once was a set of grated stairs. With Barret's help he slid a bit of the wreckage over to hide them better. Crouching in the shadows they listened as the distinctive clack of heels crossed the gritty, cracked concrete. "Scarlet," Cloud breathed as the blonde Head of Shinra's Weapons Development peered into the remains of the reactor core.

She huffed in disappointment, "This one's no good either. You only get junky materia from a junky reactor." Her lip curled in disgust, looking around the damaged shell of a building. "And all the reactors Hojo's had a hand in are junk. I'm shocked we haven't lost more reactors from that madman's tinkering."

Cloud peered through the twisted girders and walkways with new eyes. He grimaced, fighting a sudden surge of nausea when he spied the remains of a familiar, human-sized pod, burst from the inside. Scarlet spun on her heel to address Tseng, "What I need is much bigger, huge materia. I'd like your men to find some for me."

"Very well," Tseng nodded once.

A large smile spread on Scarlet's crimson lips, "Marvelous. With that matera I'll be able to construct the ultimate weapon." She sashayed away from the reactor. "With that quack Hojo gone, I actually have the budget to make some of the items I designed. Though I doubt that idiot Heidegger will even know how to use them," she spat.

Tseng gave her a flat look. She flushed and then covered her mouth. "Oops, sorry. I forgot that Heidegger is your boss now." When Tseng's silence continued, Scarlet shrugged and said, "Let's go."

Barret heaved a sigh of relief when the sound of the Shinra helicopter faded away. With a few grunts, he helped Cloud shift the rust-pocked sheet of metal from off their hiding spot. "Damn that was close," he muttered, wiping the flakes of rust off on his pants.

"Ultimate weapon?" Tifa mused with a frown. "What are they up to?"

Cloud shook his head and peered into the reactor. Straining lightly, he reached inside and pulled out a gleaming red materia.

"I'm all for more materia," Yuffie snorted. "But if it was as huge as Boobs back there made it sound, it wouldn't be very portable. I mean, in the space you had something that big, you could have like five other materia. Like summons! On that note, Gimme!" She jumped for the materia in Cloud's hand, but he pulled it out of her reach.

Cloud rolled his eyes and popped the Titan materia in Red XIII's Diamond Pin. "We're done here," he announced.

"Are we going to find Zack now?" Aerith asked, looking up from rubbing at a patch of rust on her dress.

Cloud huffed in amusement, "We've got a few things to pick up first, and then yes, we will join Zack."

Gongaga was a small town before the reactor was built. The influx of inhabitants after its construction petered off after its explosive end, leaving the damaged shells of abandoned homes scattered among the shoddily repaired houses of those who stayed. Years later, the vines and foliage of the jungle were well on their way to reclaiming the untended land. The patchy blue roof tiles of the village's golden era peeked here and there through the encroaching jungle. Twisting paths wove between the inhabited homes in a pattern confusing to all but the natives.

Despite this, Cloud unerringly led the party to abandoned items and to the shops to resupply and purchase new materia. "I can't believe you talked me into buying you that," Cloud huffed with a shake of his head as he watched Yuffie hum over her new Mystify materia.

"Kunzel's text helped convince you too," Tifa offered, patting the man's shoulder.

Cloud shook his head, spreading his hands and shrugging. "And yes," he drawled as Aerith's mouth opened, "I'm done and we're on our way to meet Zack. I just wanted to give him some time."

"Time?" Yuffie repeated, tilting her head to the side.

Cloud frowned, scratching the back of his head before reluctantly explaining, "Gongaga is Zack's home town and-" He cut off and knocked on the door of a home in the southern quadrant of the town.

"And he hasn't seen his parents in years," Tifa finished for Cloud as he opened the door upon an invitation called from inside.

Zack sat on a couch in the front room, sandwiched between a graying couple. His hair was messier than usual and his lower lip was swollen but he beamed at his friends, cutting off his story with, "-and there they are now!" Zack waved them inside, settling them at the small round table and on the nearby bed.

"What happened to your lip?" Aerith cried in horror, grabbing his face and scowling at Cloud. "I knew we should have gone after him!" She hissed.

Zack laughed and shook his head, "I'm fine Aerith! Dad just got a little over-enthusiastic trying to give me a noogie and I bumped the table going down. It'll be fine by morning."

Aerith backed down with a sigh and then blushed as Zack introduced her to his parents. Though nearly white, the smiling old man's thick, shaggy hair matched Zack's. His mother had lovely amethyst colored eyes and she could see a mixture of Zack's smile on both their faces. Spotting the cluster of letters in Mrs. Fair's hands, Aerith smirked up at the former SOLDIER First. "Looks like I'm not the only one getting belated letters," she teased, softly elbowing him in the ribs.

Zack drooped, "I had a good excuse for some of those years but..."

"Son," Zack's father said as he clapped a large hand on one of Zack's shoulder pauldrons. "I've known you weren't big on writing since you were small." He shook his head, "When you were ten, Ms. McKinney asked you to write about your weekend. You threw a Touch Me at her and dived out of the window yelling that you were going to be the king of the forest."

Cloud narrowed his eyes and glared at his friend, "So our escape method wasn't a new thing for you."

"Eh he heh..." Zack laughed sheepishly, cheeks crimson. Just as he finished the introductions, Yuffie's stomach unleashed a thunderous growl.

"Oh you poor dear," Zack's mother cooed, "My boy mentioned your upset stomach earlier, you must be so hungry! Sit tight all of you and I'll whip you up some dinner." She squirmed out of the couch's grip and bustled toward the kitchen.

"You don't have to do that Ma," Zack protested, popping to his feet and waving his hands. "We can go to Nona's since there are so many of us. Not to mention some of us eat a lot." He scratched the back of his head with a laugh.

"I know," she said dryly, her violet eyes crinkling at the corners. "I raised you after all."

Barret snorted, "That's fer sure." Yuffie snickered.

Mr. Fair chuckled, "You know your Ma, Zack, she's cooking for you all, no arguments."

"Ah," Zack sighed, leaning back in his chair and patting his stomach. "I really missed your cooking Ma. Isn't she an awesome cook guys?"

"My compliments to the chef," Red XIII rumbled after licking his dinner plate clean.

Murmurs and sighs of agreement echoed from all his companions save Cait Sith who sighed, pointed ears drooping. "It certainly looked delicious," he murmured dolefully.

"Sorry about that." Zack winced at the feline.

Cait shook his head and looked down at Red XIII, "Since I'd only be in the way on clean-up, I'm going back to the buggy, wanna join me?" The crimson feline nodded with a stretch, bowed his thanks to the hosts and followed the white Mog outside.

Once the door closed, Zack turned to his parents. "Seriously though, Mom, let us pay you for the meal. We've racked up quite a supply of gil and I know I ate a ton-"

"Don't you think anything of it Zacky," his mother tutted taking his plate and stroking the scar on his cheek with a frown, her gaze momentarily distant. "That group your friend started has really been helping out."

She took a load of dishes to the sink, thus missing the rising horror in Cloud and Zack's eyes. She returned, giggling lightly, "In fact, we've actually done quite well. The amount some of those nice girls gave us when I showed them some of your pictures..."

As she spoke, Zack's face paled to the faint greenish tone of long-spoiled milk. "Ma... Don't tell me you gave 'em my baby pictures!" he pled, a hint of his Gongagan accent creeping back in.

"Of course not dear," Mrs. Fair huffed. "They paid to take pictures of them though."

Zack's face thunked loudly against the wooden table. Barret winced and Yuffie discreetly shot a few pictures of the man's despairing form.

Cloud grimaced and murmured to Tifa, "I am a horrible person."

"Because you're suddenly glad your baby pictures burned in the fire?" she whispered back, leaning against his right shoulder.

Cloud nodded, mouth twisted down in a grimace as he desperately fought a smile at Zack's moans.

"Good, then we can be horrible people together, because I was thinking the same thing," she confided.

Cloud barked out a short burst of laughter, Tifa's giggles swiftly following.

Zack pulled his face out of his hands and narrowed his eyes at the pair, his lower lip thrust out in a pout. Aerith frowned at them and folded her arms scolding, "It isn't nice of you to laugh at Zack's discomfort!"

"That's fitting then," Cloud snickered, wiping a tear from his eye and supporting Tifa. "We've already established that we're horrible people." Tifa tittered and buried her face in Cloud's neck.

Yuffie shook her head and piped, "You know, it kind of feels weird that I'm the one to say this, but it looks like it is past your bedtime."

Barret snorted and patted Yuffie on the back, "Hit the nail on the head kid. 'S gonna' be crowded at the inn, so I'm gonna join Red and Cait back at the buggy." The large man shook Mr. Fair's hand and accepted a kiss on his cheek from Mrs. Fair with a blush before slipping out of the house.

Still fighting the last of his chuckles, Cloud stood and helped Tifa to her feet. He addressed Zack and said, "Yuffie's right though, we need to make an early start if we want to hit Cosmo Canyon before dark. I'm pretty sure you want to stay here tonight so I'll come and get you before dawn tomorrow."

"That inn only has three beds," Zack's father murmured with a raised eyebrow. "Where are you going to sleep?"

Cloud shrugged, "The floor."

Mrs. Fair made a horrified noise and frowned, her brow furrowed with disapproval. A wide grin split Zack's face and he laughed, "Why don't you stay here Cloud? We can have a sleep-over and everything!"

"Sleep-over?" Cloud blinked at Zack, his eyes widening.

"Yeah!" Zack crowed, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "It'll be awesome! We can have a pillow fight, and star gaze and-"

"Zack! We need to be up early tomorrow!" Cloud protested.

Yuffie grinned and linked arms with Aerith and Tifa. "That's settled then, have fun boys!"

"Traitor!" Cloud hissed to the laughing Tifa.

She pointed at her chest and drawled, "Horrible person." She sauntered out the door with the others, feminine laughter ringing in the dark streets of Gongaga.

The houses and streets glowed with a faint bluish tone in the pre-dawn light. Barret, Red, and Cait met the women on the path and conversed in low tones as they wove through the dark lanes to Zack's childhood home. The two enhanced men met them outside, Zack joyfully distributed blueberry muffins from a basket on his arm. Lines of stress marked the corners of Cloud's eyes and his shoulders drooped minutely. He scowled at the ladies's sheepish grins and Zack's equally tired grin.

"Don't look so sour Cloud," Zack huffed, handing the blond one of the muffins his mother cooked the previous night. "With the mako in us, we can go a few days on only a little sleep."

"Just because I can do it, doesn't mean I want to," Cloud grumbled but scarfed down the treat with relish. "Let's head out."

The sky only minutely lightened by the time they reached the overgrown road through the surrounding jungle. A distinctive croak sounded ahead followed by three meaty plops. Cloud tensed at the trio of Touch Me frogs blocking the path and then scowled, pulling his hand away from the handle of his Force Buster. "Right," he muttered, "you told me to leave them alone, have fun." He backed up, waving his right hand in the direction of the dancing monsters, his left hand fisted in the silky fabric of his White Cape.

Aerith rolled her eyes, "You don't need to be so nervous, it is just three little frogs, we can just go around them."

Zack gave a weak laugh and rested his left hand on her upper back, "Actually, Aerith, when it comes to Touch Mes, if there are three…" he trailed off as three more plopping sounds came from behind them and on either side.

Barret shuddered but before he could speak, three of the dozen Touch Me frogs unleashed their Frog Song attack, engulfing the party in smoke. When the smoke cleared, Barret's jaw dropped in horror. A suddenly enormous Cloud slumped to the ground a short distance away, fast asleep. Five green frogs dozed in the place of the rest of the party. A chill of horror ran down Barret's spine as he peered down at his webbed fingers and toes. No wonder Cloud looked so big.

For a few tense moments, the yellow enemies seemed taken aback at Cloud's lack of transformation and Barret's consciousness. Then the ring of foes tightened and attacked one of the sleeping frogs. With a smaller puff of smoke, Yuffie reappeared, swaying on her feet and blinking owlishly around. Just as awareness returned to her gray eyes another Frog Jab puffed her back to her amphibian form.

Ignoring her croak of outrage and weak slap of retaliation on one of the monsters, Barret looked at the other sleeping frogs. If an attack from a Touch Me turned them back into humans... Internally shuddering at the drastic change in motion and perspective, he hopped over and slapped one of the sleeping frogs. It jerked awake, but to his immense disappointment, didn't change into one of his allies. The newly-conscious frog blinked several times, as if trying to come to terms with the bizarre situation.

Barret narrowly dodged an attack from behind and croaked at Yuffie-Frog and whoever he just woke up. Constructing battle plans on the fly is difficult enough, attempting it without human voice or form made it all the more difficult. Smacking yet another ally-frog awake got the message across. Unfortunately, by the time most of the transformed group was awake, another round of Frog Song left Barret the only one standing.

Round after round of waking allies, transforming rapidly back and forth from his natural form, and taking shots at the Touch Mes Barret was starting to wonder if frogs could vomit. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't make it through the Touch Mes to wake Cloud. Every few seconds, a yellow frog at the blond's side croaked its Frog Song on him. Amphibians can't scream in frustration, though Barret made a valiant effort.

Cloud slowly drifted back to awareness, fighting through the lassitude of a good sleep. Eyes still closed, he paused mid-stretch wondering why his Limit was ready despite discharging on that Touch Me yesterday. His eyes snapped open and he exploded to his feet, Force Stealer in hand. Five Touch Mes faced off against half a pile of worn out frogs, the other half dead asleep. At the sound of his awakening, the enemies turned to put him back to sleep.

They were moments too late. Cloud raised his massive blade, spinning it over his head and leaping into the air. He mimed a downward slash pointing to the dancing yellow frogs. Six massive meteors appeared and slammed into the foes sending them swiftly to the Lifestream. When he landed, the cognizant frogs slumped wearily to the ground, croaking in either relief or irritation he wasn't sure. Cloud scooped up a fallen Maiden's Kiss and frowned thoughtfully as he approached his changed allies.

"Any chance you know which one of you is Zack?" he asked, raising one eyebrow at the army of frogs at his feet.

One croaked and hopped forward, Cloud grinned at the faint cross mark on the side of its head. "You know these things always creeped me out," he commented looking at the bottle shaped like a carved bust of a woman. "To open it, you have to wring the poor lady's neck." He grasped the neck of the bottle and twisted the lid open, pouring the golden potion on the frog.

"Ah, feels good to be human again!" Zack cried, stretching and then flexing his hands. "I missed you fingers."

The other frogs shifted impatiently, pulling the former SOLDIER from admiring his humanity. He tilted his head at Cloud with a frown, "Why haven't you pulled out more potions?"

Cloud snorted, "First of all, I totally wasn't joking about the bottles creeping me out, secondly..." He pointed to Alfonse on Zack's Carbon Bangle. "Loan me Alfonse for a second."

Confused but willing, Zack popped the green materia out and watched Cloud trade it with the Lightning linked to his All materia. Concentrating a moment, the blonde extended his left hand, casting Toad-All on the rest of the party. A massive wall of white smoke engulfed the frogs, yelps, yowls, and curses emerged swiftly after.

Cloud rearranged his materia and handed Alfonse back to the gaping Zack. "Hm, looks like that gh-" Cloud choked off the word "ghost" his blue eyes darting to the young ninja crawling out from under Red XIII. He cleared his throat and started again, "Looks like that old guy in Fort Condor was right."

A/N: … Seriously people, this is going to "date" me but, I have to confess: once I saw the Heavy Tanks, you have no idea how hard it was to fight the urge to make Trogdor quotes. The fact that Gongaga looks like it has been "burninated" only added to the struggle.