A/N: As promised, Beard chapter, all in one. Brace yourselves (and skim if you're faint-hearted) but Sharah begins in this chapter. It is by no means as graphic as any of the others, because A, I can't stand Shaw and B, for the story, Sarah sees the past as a violation because of who he turned into. Some wtf's in this episode. How did the Ring know about Devon? This is never explained, ever. Plot devise, but still. How do they get the info? Del says they uploaded the info to headquarters, then Shaw says the communications were cut off so they didn't get it. Wouldn't they know they cut their own communications? Did they or did they not keep the info safe? That is never clear. But...if they did, it could explain all that happens later, why they waited so long to show him the footage of Eve's death. Something they leave ambiguous. We're so close I can taste it! Tic Tac and Final Exam are just brutal. Mid-June is still looking doable. Here goes!
I didn't know at the time, but Chuck had already broken up with Hannah before I crossed the line with Shaw.
What I mean by "crossing the line?" Back rubs, flirtatious talk and mild kisses on one side, sex on the other.
I made the decision as I sat there in Castle with him that same night. He knew my real name, even if I had told him out of desperation, rather than any real connection I felt with him. It just seemed like it was the right thing to do. Hold my breath and dive in, or else burn in the fire encircling me from every side.
That kiss, that I initiated, was opening the door. And once it was open, he was in a hurry to barge right in. I let him, thinking it was just what happened between spies. Normal for me.
With my two previous partners, there was even less preamble to sex than I had with Shaw. With Sam, it was a negotiation more than anything else, but the sex we continued to have over the year we were together like that was by far the most physically satisfying. My first time with Bryce in the elevator was rushed, awful in comparison, but our quasi relationship had meant more than anything before it, no matter how limited or how restrained.
But they had both happened before Chuck.
My emotional constitution had changed after I had fallen in love with Chuck. I had never fallen out of love with him, as much as I tried to deny it.
I know now the reason sex with Shaw was so bad was because I was in love with Chuck. It's a very unique kind of torture…to be fucked by someone, even consensually, when you are in love with someone else. His touch was something I endured instead of craved. I was in constant denial, telling myself that Shaw wasn't Chuck.
I wanted Chuck. And I couldn't have him. And my body was completely aware that what I was getting was not what I wanted.
Gory details are still quite painful to express, so I am brief intentionally.
We had sex in his quarters in Castle. I've hinted at it before, but it was not pleasant. The first time was the worst.
He wanted the lights off, which I agreed with. I wondered at the time how long it had been since he'd been with someone other than his wife. I thought maybe the dark was a way to trick his mind away from the newness of me. Sam filled my thoughts, his dead wife, the ghost between us that I never really knew about. This time, I did.
It happened too fast as I recall. We were kissing, then we were in his room. I don't even remember undressing, only being with him under the covers. I was dry, unaroused, more nervous than usual…and it was painful at first because of all that. I'd never had sex with a condom before, at least that I remembered, and that didn't help. What little moisture I mustered disappeared at the unpleasant sensation of stutteringly dry latex against my tender walls.
A quick aside. Maybe Shaw had never been with someone who wasn't dripping wet for wanting him (although I can't picture that at all) or maybe he didn't notice because of the condom, maybe he hadn't used one in a while. I'm not making excuses for him. Knowing the whole truth now makes me feel sick, like I had been drugged and raped. Only the drug was my heartbreak, my defeated soul, my sense of being lost.
But another aside. A more blanket statement worth saying now that I'm talking about sex with Shaw. Technique matters. Way too much emphasis in culture on size, not nearly enough on technique. Shaw was by far the most, uh, well-endowed man I remembered. Bryce was the least. Sam was in between. And I don't need to compare my husband to anyone…because he loves me. He is the only one who touched me like that who ever did.
A man with a clue, or a man who loves you, will be patient. He takes his time, making sure you are ready for him. Maybe even testing a bit, especially if it's been a while since the last time. Practically speaking, all Shaw would have needed to do was touch me for maybe five minutes. I might have even climaxed, but at the least it would have been comfortable. That's what I mean. It never occurred to him at all, what I was feeling. I don't think he noticed when I flinched and gritted my teeth.
He didn't seem to notice my discomfort at all. He was rough, fast and focused only on himself. We stayed in missionary position. Kissing distracted me from the entire situation. He kissed me with an open mouth and I kissed him back, but it was lackluster. It burned when he pulled out. I didn't even know he'd finished.
I hadn't been in that much pain since I'd lost my virginity. Worse, I was swollen, unsatisfied afterwards, also something that had never happened before.
The reason…after Sam, I took charge of my own pleasure, taking control when I wanted to have an orgasm. I couldn't dominate with Shaw. I didn't want to; it was too awkward, too uncomfortable. And I think about it now—I wonder if he would have even let me. He liked being in control, almost too much.
I wondered what he was like when he was with his wife.
I left that encounter feeling claimed. Like a dog had pissed on a rock to mark his territory and I was the rock. If I'd cared, it would have hurt me. But I didn't. This was my life now, the only one I had left.
I even told myself it would get better. That he would notice my lack of pleasure and make an effort. He never did. I never once had an orgasm having sex with Shaw.
I wouldn't sleep next to him either. I went home to my hotel and relieved the pressure between my legs with my vibrator. Externally, because internally it would have been too painful. I thought about Chuck, and cried myself to sleep.
It had been almost three years since I'd had sex last, in Mexico with Bryce. I tried to forget the fact that after all that time, I had an unpleasant experience.
It was worse when I saw Chuck again after that night. I was downright cold to him, which even after everything, I had never really been before. He was so…sad. He looked lost and he had trouble focusing. But we didn't talk. Casey, for once, had nothing to say.
Even for Casey, our wounds burned enough without the salt this time.
I noticed Hannah was inexplicably missing from the Buy More. I thought maybe she had a day off, but days passed and she never showed. I noticed Morgan posted her position three days later. Her name was oddly absent from Chuck's discussions. The gulf between us had never been wider.
I was certain hearing me tell Shaw my real name had shaken Chuck. I was horrified when I found out Chuck knew. I thought of him, kneeling in front of me in my hotel room only a few weeks after I had met him, asking me to tell him something real about me. My feelings for him then were already so strong, and I couldn't tell him. I was fighting those feelings, but also, I guarded my dark past from him back then.
Even just a few days later afterwards, thinking this way made me realize why I had done what I did, telling Shaw. I never told Chuck, but I told Shaw. Because it didn't matter who I had been. Sam wasn't really me. She wasn't real anymore. Sarah was real…because Chuck had made her that way. Shaw telling me I never seemed like a Sarah only reinforced it–he didn't see me the way Chuck did. No one did, and no one ever would. Chuck didn't understand how insignificant that admission to Shaw really was. Not until after we were together.
And it became apparent not long after that the Intersect had stopped functioning. Not with difficulty or unpredictability like had happened before, but a complete shut down. Nothing made him flash. It was like the Intersect was shorted out. And it persisted.
Without talking to Casey or me, Shaw was in communication with the CIA about Chuck and his lack of performance. I thought hearing my real name might have been the underlying cause, but I wasn't sure. Shaw thought it was because Chuck thought he had watched me be killed in front of his eyes. Either way, it was a problem.
Chuck's inability to flash lasted over one full week. Chuck tried everything. Shaw tried everything. Nothing worked. It was the longest stretch of time between flashes that Chuck has ever had, not counting the seven or so months he was without it when we got married.
As more time passed, Shaw seemed to be talking more and more to Washington and Langley. Casey and I were intentionally left out. Chuck had no idea about any of it, and after so many days, Shaw asked Chuck to stay away from Castle. He thought the pressure to perform was making it worse, and a change of scenery might help restart things.
The request was suspect, at least in retrospect. With Chuck on hiatus, Shaw had access to me. He fucked me twice more in Castle while Chuck stayed away. He didn't change anything up, either, just two more rough sessions of missionary. It was difficult to muster enthusiasm, dreading the way having sex with him felt. Because he insisted on the dark, I was able to use my own fingers without him seeing, just enough to lubricate myself so it didn't burn when he thrust. He finished quickly too, which was a blessing.
I felt guilty at the time, pretending to like him fucking me when I prayed he would just finish and nothing more. I can't rationalize it now, why I let such an unpleasant thing recur as many times as I did. I only know I thought it was the best I could do, living back amongst the shadows in the spy world after I had been blinded by the light in Chuck's world.
A world I believed was disappearing, and would soon cease to exist.
Casey knew what was going on. It was hard to ignore that I was already there with him in the morning. Amazingly, Casey stayed silent, which wasn't like him. I was waiting for him to make another comment about me falling for guys I worked with. He never did. Maybe, just maybe, Casey knew I was just wallowing in grief, rather than falling for Shaw.
What drew Chuck back to Castle again was actually a call from Shaw. In all of those discussions with Langley and the brass at the CIA, he was passed some intel that the Ring was planning on turning a CIA agent over to their cause. There wasn't enough additional information, and without the Intersect, we were dead in the water. Shaw argued eventually that this was too serious, and we needed to push harder, to see if Chuck could flash again. Situation critical.
Chuck came rushing into Castle while Shaw, Casey and me were all waiting. I hadn't seen Chuck in days, and in those days I'd had sex with Shaw twice more. I didn't have a reason to feel guilty for that, especially not considering how blatantly Chuck had flaunted his sexual relationship with Hannah, but I did. I felt dirty, defiled, and I felt like Chuck could see it on me, like an invisible cloak. I had trouble looking at Chuck for long periods of time.
Casey tried the tough love approach, although if I had actually used that word "love" he would have probably spit on the floor. He was harsh, demanding that Chuck flash so we could figure out what was going on.
Casey handed Chuck the file as Shaw explained. I asked Chuck if he flashed, but I could tell just by the look on his face that he didn't. It upset me, seeing Chuck fail so plainly.
Shaw called him out on it, telling him he hadn't flashed since Rafe had tried to kill me and him. I don't know why he added himself in there–we both knew Chuck's emotional overload was about me being almost killed. Not that Chuck was heartless about Shaw, far from it. Chuck showed the man mercy when I would have broken his skull open. But that kind of emotion, the kind powerful enough to shut down the Intersect, was only reserved for people Chuck cared deeply about. And Chuck never cared that way about Shaw–mostly, truth be told, because Shaw wouldn't let him. And maybe, a little, because Chuck was jealous of him. Like Bryce, without the friendship from the past.
Shaw gave Chuck an ultimatum. Flash, or he was no longer a spy. He was benched, not suitable for missions.
Shaw delivered it coolly, factually, but Chuck got visibly upset. I will never forget what he said in reply.
"Being a spy is all I have. I gave up everything for this." He looked straight at me, opening his eyes wider as if to emphasize what that everything was. Me. Me. I was his everything. That was what he meant, no doubt in my mind.
Only at that moment, I was too broken inside to accept that was what he meant. I assumed, stupidly, that he meant Hannah. Also, I empathized just a little too much with the fact that being a spy was all he had left. He had options, options that I never did.
He had simply disregarded those options, refusing them, because of me. He never got over the fact that the reason I had always given him about us not being able to be together was because he wasn't a spy. He had other motivations, like he had said in the vault when he thought he was dying, and all of that was true. But deep down, I was the reason. Even when he thought I was lost to him.
But fortunately for me, I know now what he meant. I was his everything. I am still his everything. I always was his everything, since the first day he met me. Always. Even in our darkest days, which I'm chronicling here. That's where my strength comes from, to tell this part, when it hurts me so.
I tried to tell him that some time off might do him some good, give him time to focus. My voice sounded flat in my own ears, unconvincingly dull.
Chuck argued with me, too, telling me it was because of all his bottled up emotions. He broke up with Hannah and couldn't talk to his best friend or his sister. To be fair, he had never been able to talk to Morgan or Ellie about any of it. But, the key, back then, he had always talked to me. We were close. He told me so much, probably more than he should have, but still…so much. And now, he couldn't. Shaw and me being together had fortified the wall that was between us.
I made the mistake of saying that Chuck could talk to us. Not me, us. It was the worst thing I think I could have said. Staying silent would have been better. In what world could Chuck talk to Shaw about how he felt? And there was no Shaw without me. That was just how it was now.
Chuck left and we finished finalizing our plans. The intelligence we had noted that the spy in question, whoever that was, was staying at a hotel in Malibu. Shaw and I were to pose as guests and Casey was to do surveillance, so we could see if we could identify the spy. Chuck was told to stay behind in Castle.
He came down to talk to us, offer his support, but Shaw asked him again and he still couldn't flash. So he was benched. Shaw and I were posing as a married couple. I think he made it a point to put the ring on, and give me mine, in front of Chuck. He was quietly upset as we left. I avoided eye contact with him as much as possible, and then we left for the mission.
Shaw was overly affectionate in front of the hotel staff, taking our cover to heart. The clerk who checked us in said we looked like a beautiful couple. I smiled, but I was uncomfortable. Casey made a snide remark while we started to get settled.
We were still setting up when Casey traced a call from the Ring in the hotel. He put it on speaker and we listened to the description of the agent, who was supposedly by the pool. We moved quickly to check outside.
I was horrified to find Devon in my binocular scopes. He matched the description of the target we heard in the phone call. He was staying at the hotel with Ellie, a little mini vacation it seemed.
Were we back here? Sidney had died before she told her superiors about Devon, and we thought Devon was safe. Why was this happening? Somehow Devon's identity hadn't been completely contained. I was horrified for Chuck, thinking his flashing problem would only get worse if he thought his sister and her husband were in danger again because of his job.
Casey found the room where the call had originated. Shaw and I armed ourselves and made our way to the pool with the intention of getting Ellie and Devon out of harm's way.
We hid, waiting for Devon to move away from Ellie. He knew, so we could talk to him. Ellie seeing us would have raised too many questions. Shaw pulled him off the walkway as he was walking by.
Shaw wasn't the least bit comforting when Devon asked if he and Ellie were in danger. He was truthful in saying he didn't know, but I could tell Devon was freaking out. If I had been alone, I might have channeled my inner Chuck, but with Shaw there, I stayed silent.
While we were with Devon, Casey flash-banged the alleged room, only to discover it was a set up. He texted us to tell us. Shaw told Devon it was a false alarm. We apologized, but I could tell Devon was not the least but at ease with that information.
We went back to meet Casey. There was no information to be gleaned from the set up phone. However, we did try to figure out why. Shaw realized the Ring knew he had a base. So they lured the team away so the base was vulnerable. In all honesty, it was the perfect plan.
A huge boon for them that they didn't even know–Chuck was the Intersect, he had stayed behind, and he wasn't flashing.
We soon realized Chuck was a sitting duck, doomed if the Ring staged an all out assault on Castle. We ran, getting out of there as fast as we could.
We tried to contact Chuck, but it was obvious the incoming signals were being jammed. Shaw drove like a mad man, and all the while I kept imagining that we were already too late.
Finally, Chuck got through on his wrist communication device. He told us the Ring was inside Castle, that they came in posing as potential buyers for the store.
Shaw and I went into the Orange Orange to try and access Castle from there. Casey went the Buy More route, dressed in his uniform, so it was believable. We didn't know what we were going to find.
We were completely locked out of Castle. We tried over and over again to bypass the security the Ring had put in place, but we couldn't. Shaw was about to call in a code, in order to activate the self-destruct function in Castle. I begged him to give Chuck five more minutes.
I was dying inside, my faith in Chuck's ability to stand against the Ring all alone, without a functioning Intersect, was fading. But I couldn't give up on him. I couldn't lose him. For something so senseless.
I think he was irritated and suspicious, but he agreed to five more minutes. We waited. Casey failed to access Castle from the Buy More. The five minutes were up. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think straight.
How could I just stand there and let Chuck be killed? To never see him again…to never let him know…how much I loved him.
Dear God, help me, but I did. I couldn't look at Shaw, feeling that resurgence of emotion.
All of that was short-lived, however.
Turns out, I should have had a little more faith in Chuck.
The door from Castle opened while Shaw, Casey and me stood there, weapons drawn, waiting to stop whoever was on their way.
It was Morgan Grimes. Quippy, snarky…Morgan Grimes, with Chuck close behind.
Shocked doesn't even come close to how I felt. I could barely process it. The one blip of thought there–I was relieved that Chuck was ok.
Shaw wanted to move Morgan into witness protection, but Chuck balked at the idea. Casey made sure to point out that Devon was reliable, but Morgan was a moron. Shaw had no reason to believe that Morgan could be trusted. Chuck vouched for him vehemently, and I backed him up. For all the stupid things Morgan had done, he was about as loyal as people got. I trusted him. Shaw relented. I was happy for him, glad that the misery I saw him dealing with was a little better with his friend to confide in.
I got the abbreviated version of what happened at the Buy More while we were chasing ghosts in Malibu.
Morgan had seen the Ring agents find the entrance to Castle behind the lockers and, rather bravely, followed them inside. He stayed out of sight and eavesdropped on their plans. Then he went back and told Chuck what he'd heard.
Chuck kept his cover intact, and advised Morgan that they needed to get everyone out of the store. Of course, the dimwitted Buy Morons barricaded the store shut, staging a protest because they thought they were losing their jobs. Only then did Chuck decide to try to do something, because he was concerned about everyone's safety. They were quickly captured by the Ring and taken down to Castle.
They threatened to torture Morgan, so Chuck admitted to the Ring who he was. Once they were alone, Chuck told Morgan everything. Even more than Devon knew. At least Devon had no idea about the Intersect. There was no part of the past two and a half years that Chuck didn't tell him. To be fair, he thought they were going to die and he knew how upset Morgan had been and he wanted to clear the air.
Morgan…Morgan…went a step further, though. I only know all of this because I asked Morgan what he told Chuck when they were in Castle, while I was in the process of recovering my memory. Turns out I didn't know the first time, not word for word. Once we were together, on the train, Chuck told me it was Morgan who forced him to admit that he still loved me.
Morgan told me he told Chuck that he always knew how much Chuck loved me. That he, and everyone else, could see the way Chuck always looked at me. Morgan dared Chuck to tell him he didn't love me. Chuck couldn't deny it.
That was what unblocked the Intersect. Somewhere in between feeling like he was losing himself and losing me…he had bottled up his feelings for me, feelings that never went away, even when he was denying me in Prague. I had no idea here, but I think if I had, things would have been much different than they were. I wouldn't have given up so readily, at least I think. I'll never know, though.
From that point on, Chuck wasn't lost any more. He wasn't losing himself. He had a purpose…and that was getting me back. Or…starting over. Or…starting. All of his barriers were gone. He had a plan. He decided to fight for me.
When we got married, I thanked Morgan for what he did that day, his verbal slap to Chuck's face that woke him up from that nightmare. He just blushed and tapped my chin with his fist and smiled, sweet guy that he is.
It would be so nice if I could just end here. But me, well, it would take a lot more to wake me up from my nightmare. I was still descending into darkness, and though Chuck had thrown me down a rope, I couldn't see it until it was almost too late.
I hadn't hit the bottom yet.