A sigh escaped her lips, the sunlight of the late morning shining through the window and casting beams of light across her bedroom. The villa was extremely quiet, which was very unusual, but she didn't mind too much. The children were back in school, and Georg had to take a call that he clearly didn't want her listening to. She smiled a bit, knowing he was trying his best to make the perfect wedding plans for them. The effort he was putting forth was more substantial than she ever imagined from him, and it made her heart feel warm knowing how excited he was to take her as his wife.
She readjusted herself, her leg hurting a bit from sitting upon the floor, but she didn't want to move yet. There were many letters laid out in front of her, all organized chronologically after a bit of attention. She took a deep breath, wondering where to begin, if she even should begin. Surely they weren't important if she hadn't opened them by then. She supposed simply starting at the beginning would have been her suggestion to the children, she thought with a smile.
For some reason, one that she didn't understand, she felt it was time to take a look at the letters she had been so afraid of upon the arrival of the first. She recalled being very newly married, just back from her honeymoon, when the housekeeper had brought her the mail for the day. She immediately recognized Georg's handwriting, and she swore her heart beat double for days after. And yet, she hadn't been able to open it. She was so afraid of the contents, so afraid to read anything from him that could have possibly been real. She had been so afraid she would do exactly what she did the moment she and Georg were alone for the first time since her wedding. She smiled, shaking her head. She should have simply read the letters; they didn't seem to matter either way, as she still threw herself at him the first chance she had.
She took the first letter in her hand, turning it over and sliding her finger beneath the flap of the envelope. It opened quite easily, for it was a bit aged by then, and she smiled a bit as she saw his masculine scrawl across the page. It was a surprisingly formal letter, much more formal than she expected it would be, and he wrote quite a bit about the children and how they missed her. And yet, knowing what she knew about his feelings at the time, she could pick up hints of his own thoughts on her absence. She smiled as he clearly had done his very best not to give away his affection for her.
The next few were the same, updating her on the children and their antics. She laughed as he recounted a prank that Louisa had played on one of the maids, and she shook her head. It seemed they had acted out quite a bit in her absence, as she wondered if they would. While she wouldn't have been able to condone it at the time, she found it quite amusing after the fact. She only wished she had been able to witness some of the excitement, but she knew it was silly to dwell on such a thing.
The next letter was different. She squinted her eyes a bit as she found it difficult to make out the words, his writing a bit less legible than before. She wondered if he had been in a hurry, or perhaps agitated by something, but the words she was reading made her wonder if perhaps he had more likely been a bit inebriated. It read very strangely in comparison to the formality of the other letters.
Maria…may I call you that? I always call you Fraulein when I speak, but you are Maria when I think about you. I crave to hear you say my name. I think I wouldn't be able to control myself if you did.
I can't believe you're gone. I can't believe you're still on my mind this way, even though it was never part of the plan. I dream of coming to your home and stealing you away, bringing you back to the villa to continue living out your time with my family. I have so many things to say to you, so many things I need you to hear.
You are exquisite in so many ways, even when you're tripping and falling or tipping rowboats into the lake. I wish I had told you.
And then the letter stopped abruptly, no ending remark, as if he'd perhaps passed out or forgotten to finish it before he posted it. Whatever the reason, he had very clearly not been himself when he wrote it. She wondered if perhaps Max had found him passed out and sent the letter to her on his behalf, hoping to stir some things up. If she had read the letter in the first place, she wondered how she would have reacted. Thankfully she didn't have to worry about it at the moment.
She opened the next letter, immediately finding her formal, well-written Captain once again. He wrote strictly of the children, not even an inkling that he cared one bit about her. It was so vastly different from the letter before it that she wondered if she'd imagined it all. She knew she would have been incredibly confused if she'd read the letters when they arrived in real time. She quickly blinked, re-reading the last bit of the letter before her.
I apologize for my prior letter. Please forgive me, it will not happen again.
That was it? No reasoning for it all, just a quick apology to brush it off and move on. He had likely been so embarrassed that he wasn't sure exactly what to say to her about it. She had to remind herself how she never saw him act informally or unbuttoned in the slightest at that point in their relationship, so that would have been a huge concern of his. Well, she supposed he had let his guard down the night of his party when they danced. She smiled at the memory.
"There you are. I've been searching for you." She looked up at the doorway to find Georg, a smile upon his face at how adorable she looked as she concentrated on the task before her.
"I'm sorry, darling. You were on the phone, and I didn't want to disturb you." In reality, she knew she wanted to take a moment alone with the letters and hadn't tried too hard to get his attention before she came upstairs.
"No need to apologize. What are you up to?" She held up one of the envelopes, and he squinted for a moment before he raised his eyebrows in recognition.
"I wanted to read what you had to say."
"I'm afraid they're a bit outdated by now." He chuckled, moving to take a seat upon the edge of her bed. He moved her to sit between his legs, her back against the mattress, and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She smiled at the care he showed her, silently thanking God once more for the man she'd been given.
"I did find one that was a bit interesting." She held up the letter with the messy handwriting, and he took a look before chuckling.
"I was so sure this one was the reason you never responded."
"What on earth was going on?"
"Alcohol was the main cause." He chuckled, and she smiled as he slid off the bed to join her upon the floor. He took the letter in his hand, so happy that his arm was no longer in a cast, but only wrapped for the time being. One more step on the road to healing. "Elsa had just left, and I was feeling so much regret."
"I can only imagine how you felt. You were so formal in the other letters." He nodded, watching her pick up the next one.
"I couldn't openly write you love letters, of course. Believe it or not, causing trouble in your marriage was never once my intention." She laughed, nudging him with her shoulder as she met his eyes.
"Oh really? Not even once?"
"Well, not when I was writing you letters, anyway." They shared a smile, and he sat closer to her as she continued to read, his hand rubbing her back a bit. He was glad she had finally gotten to a place where she was ready to look back a bit and read his letters. He wouldn't pretend it didn't hurt when he found out she hadn't even opened them, but somehow he understood.
Maria, I so wish you would write back. I'm sorry for whatever I've done to cause you to feel so angry with me. I'm angry with myself for all of the things I didn't do when I should have. I hope you understand what I mean by that.
While I wish for the joy and delight of this past summer to return, I also wish you a wonderful life. I wish you happiness and love, and I pray you are given the life you deserve: a wonderful marriage, a beautiful home, and even seven children of your own. Most of all, I wish you could see just how much good you have brought into this world, to my family, simply by being you. Please don't ever lose yourself in this world.
Affectionately yours,
Georg
It was the most direct he had been in all of the letters, which she supposed was fitting for it being the last one he wrote. It had an air of finality, as if he had known it was the end of a chapter in their lives. In many ways it had been, as everything that happened afterward was a new beginning, but she wondered if he had truly meant for it to be the end. Would he have written her more after that?
"'Affectionately yours.' And you signed your first name. You didn't end any of the others like that."
"It was the only way I could tell you I love you without being indiscreet, I suppose." She gave a short laugh, knowing he wasn't trying to be funny, but she did find it a bit amusing that he had been so proper in a very improper situation. "Though I do feel badly that I wished seven children on you. It seems a bit harsh now."
"Yes, quite a well wish indeed." They shared a laugh, but she couldn't help feeling a bit sad; the same nagging through returning to her yet again. She certainly wasn't interested in bearing seven children herself, but she wouldn't have minded even one. She sighed, looking down at the letter in her hand. She had put it off long enough; she needed to have the conversation with him before they married. It wouldn't have been fair to keep it from him. "Georg…I…um…"
"Are you alright?" She shook her head, biting her lip.
"Yes, of course, I'm sorry." She gave a short laugh, trying to calm her nerves. She couldn't meet his eyes, and he began to feel a bit nervous himself. "I've been thinking about it for a while now, and…I don't think I can have children."
"Oh…" It wasn't exactly what he expected her to say, but he understood how delicately she would require him to respond. Her voice sounded much more fragile than she intended. "I did wonder."
"You did?" She met his eyes, surprised that it would have even crossed his mind.
"We haven't exactly been careful in that regard." She nodded, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders to pull her against him.
"That's why I wonder too. Otto's fiancée became pregnant immediately, and you have seven children…it's very clear that something is wrong with me." He scoffed and pulled her closer to his chest.
"Nothing is wrong with you, Maria. Perhaps it's all part of God's plan for you."
"For us, not only me. Do you really want to marry a woman who…"
"You stop that. Darling, there is not one thing in this world that would keep me from wanting to marry you. I love you with every ounce of my being." She felt her eyes welling up a bit, but she fought to keep tears from falling. "I would love to have a baby with you, if it's God's will, but I will feel no differently about you if we can't."
"I never thought I wanted to have a child of my own until I met you. Now the idea of not being able to…I feel a bit like a failure."
"You are absolutely not."
"The logical part of me knows that to be true, that these things do happen, but my heart can't seem to understand." She sighed, wiping her eyes as she cuddled closer to his chest, his hand rubbing up and down her back in comfort. "Perhaps this is my punishment."
"Punishment? Whatever for?"
"For the sins I've committed, the pain I've caused others." He pulled back and lifted her chin so she would meet his eyes.
"You can't possibly believe that."
"I don't know."
"What would you say to me if I came to you like this? Perhaps the car accident and my injuries are my punishment for the sins I've committed." She shook her head, well aware of what he was doing. She knew in her heart that God wasn't so cruel or spiteful with his lessons.
"I would tell you that God loves us all no matter what we do, and He wouldn't punish you in that way."
"Then what makes you think He would punish you?" She shrugged, looking down at the stack of letters as she did her best not to show him just how upset the prospect of never having a child made her.
"I don't know. I suppose I'm feeling many things at the moment."
"You're also tired. I know you haven't been sleeping well."
"Well enough."
"You were up pacing half the night last night." She scoffed, certain that wasn't the case. She had walked around the villa a bit, but she hadn't realized he was paying attention. He had appeared to be sound asleep. "Maria, you're a free woman now. Have you gotten so used to feeling anxious that you feel even more worried without having a reason to be?"
"Perhaps…I just keep wondering when I'll wake up. Being with you has been such a dream." He gave a short laugh, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.
"If you think I'm letting you go ever again, you are quite mistaken. It is okay to allow yourself to simply be happy, Maria. Everything falls into place the way it should." She sighed, smiling as she met his eyes. He was right, of course. There was no need to continue punishing herself, no need to dwell on the things she couldn't understand or control. God had found a way for them, and He would continue to do so.