Chapter One: The Doe

Some people say falling in love is something flashy or extravagant or loud, like diving off a mountain or reaching the crescendo of a song. But for me, falling in love was a quiet thing. It was the backdrop, a whispered lullaby, happening without notice until I was submerged so deeply that I could have drowned in his gaze without even realizing it. It was like, all of a sudden, the only thing keeping me attached to the Earth was the depth of his eyes. And though I could live without him, surviving is all I would manage to do. Love is kind of funny like that. When you love someone, and they love you back, they bring out all the best in you. The 'you' that sees the world with crystalline clarity, that makes your soul glow with life and light and inspiration. But if they hurt you… betray you… leave you standing alone with an empty hole in your core… they expose the very worst in you. The crazed, reckless, irrational you.

The desperate you.

My heart was beating so hard I could feel it in my throat. In my fingertips. Behind my eyes. My thighs were swollen with lead as my muscles worked to their limits navigating over snaking tree roots, under low hanging branches, through bristles and brush. Thorns and sharp thickets clawed at my calves, tearing the fabric of my jeans and scratching my feelingless skin raw as I pumped my legs faster. Faster. Faster.

With every rustle of leaves and crack of a twig under my steps I winced, knowing it would tip them off. It was impossible to navigate silently through the woods, especially when trying to move quickly. Stealth was not on my side.

I was mostly used to this now. Vigorous cardio was a regular part of my day on most days. The skin on my legs had gone numb from the constant scrapes and gashes; my feet were tough and calloused. The Death Eaters had been ruthlessly hunting me ever since I left London almost four weeks ago. I'd been managing to evade them, though their constant pursuit made my true summer plans that much more difficult.

It seemed my enigmatic uncle was making good on his promise.

'I am coming for you, dear Rowan,' his grim letter had warned, though he didn't even have the decency to come after me himself. Instead he'd charged two buffoons, Snyde and Fellwood, (I'd heard them calling to each other on enough occasions that I could now probably pick them out of a crowd) with rounding me up. They were so persistent that I wondered what the punishment would be if they returned empty handed.

I could feel my legs slowing down against my will as I vaulted myself up and over a fallen, decaying log that had been about as wide as I was tall. I hadn't rested in hours and the dehydration was starting to take a toll; I was hardly even sweating despite the sweltering, muggy weather, telling me I desperately needed water. But I couldn't stop yet. Not now. The sound of men panting reached my ears along with the succession of two pairs of shoes clamoring along behind me, branches snapping under their feet. They were catching up. I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore the protests from my lungs.

"Snyde! On your right!" shouted a croaky, breathless voice. Instantly, a red flash bounded past my head with a whir, missing me narrowly and connecting with a tree trunk. Bits of bark flew into the air like confetti. I yelped, shielded my eyes, ducked slightly, and pushed my legs to what seemed like an impossible speed with newfound adrenaline.

"Come 'ere, pet!" I heard Snyde purr. Three more blasts of light exploded on the ground at my feet. Pointing my wand blindly behind me, I silently shot a Stunning spell without pausing to check my aim. The spell connected with something, and one of the men grunted. For a brief second I was hopeful that I had gotten lucky with my haphazard spell, but neither sounded as though they had been deterred.

I weaved through the obstacle course of trees and shrubbery, trying to throw them off my path, but I saw nowhere in sight to hide as I ran myself directly into an area of clearing in the forest. The glade was carpeted by a garden of calf-high ferns encircling a lone, naked oak. It was probably beautiful, though I didn't have time to pause and marvel at the view.

If I could just get around that tree, I could break their line of sight.

Another surge of light came at me from one of the Death Eaters. This one managed to graze my ankle, sending a jolt of electricity up my spine that made my body go rigid at once. I stayed in a momentum-powered lurch and skidded headfirst across the forest floor. A sharp rock grazed my cheek, and I could taste something sticky and warm in my mouth.

"Yes! Got her!" squealed Snyde, positively beaming with exaltation and bouncing like a child who'd just been offered a candy bar for dinner. A familiar tingle spread under my skin. My limbs were coming back to life. It was a sensation I'd experienced again and again in my combat sessions with… with him. My heart ached at the memory, and for a brief moment I was back in the dungeons of Hogwarts, the dull candlelight casting shadows on the walls of that cavernous office as he stood over me, encompassing me with his obsidian stare.

"Never let your guard down. Always be ready for anything. An oversight like that could mean the difference between life and death." His sonorous voice jammed my thoughts and I had to forcibly shove him from my mind. Stupid. I had bigger things to worry about right now, like not being captured.

I flipped onto my back the instant my appendages would obey.

"Incarcerous!" said Fellwood in his deep frog-croak. Ropes appeared out of thin air, tangling up around my legs. I clutched onto the strap of the purse that crossed diagonally across my chest to ensure it was still attached to my body, then fumbled for my wand.

My wand… where was my wand!?

Scanning the area, I finally spotted it camouflaged among the dirt and debris. It was at the feet of the Death Eaters, who smiled maliciously as they looked from my wand to me. The tips of Fellwood's unnaturally pointed teeth glinted when they caught the sun's ray, his throaty cackle resounding through the glade as I frantically grabbed at the ropes binding my legs together.

"You're a slippery lil thing, aren't ya?" he said, closing in, the look of pure satisfaction on his face turning to a pitying frown. "You couldn't hide forever, girl."

My brain worked frantically to come up with a way to reach my wand. "Looks to me like my dear Uncle was too afraid to come and face me himself," I said with as much arrogance as I could muster in spite of the panic rising in my chest.

A sound like a giggle started to rise in Snyde's throat that built louder and louder into a deranged, psychopathic wail. Through the lunacy I was able to make out "Travers… too important… jobs for the Dark Lord."

He struggled to collect himself, and during his distracted state I took a chance and inch wormed towards my wand. The madness ceased all at once, the echo of his laugh lingering in the air as his eyes turned instantly dark.

"Don't you even think of it, pet," he spat, kicking my wand further out of reach. My heart wilted as I tugged harder at the ropes to no avail.

"Quit messing with her, Snyde. Grab her and let's be done with this place," said Fellwood, dabbing sweat from his forehead with the sleeve of his cloak. He was the shorter of the pair, stocky with a face marred by five ghastly pinkish scars that stretched vertically from his patchy gray hairline to his chin. He was also the authority; the more composed one, if either could really be called 'composed.'

I shrieked and kicked out as Snyde grabbed me by the ankles, yanking me roughly across the ground, and it was at that moment that a bluish silver sparkle caught my eye. A stunning effervescent doe pranced from around a distant evergreen headfirst at the pair. Snyde released me with a gasp and the Death Eaters, clearly unaware that its translucent form would pass right through them, darted out of its path, Snyde dropping to the ground and Fellwood diving to the side. The creature did a graceful loop around me, stopping briefly to prod at the rope with its nose before vanishing into the woodland. The binding had come loose at her touch, and in the span of the heartbeat I yanked the cord away and propelled myself forward. The instant I reunited with my wand, I got to my feet and shifted to the offensive.

"Impedimenta!" I repeated twice in my head, stunning both men in place before they could recover their balance, then took off running in the direction of the doe.

"Come back!" I yelled after her with bated breath. "Please, don't go!" I spun in frantic circles, raking my fingers through my mangled hair, but she was already gone. I muttered a curse.

Feeling dejected, I granted myself just a moment to catch my breath and blot the wound on my cheek. The gash was stinging as dirt from the forest floor mixed with the blood, but there was no time to tend to it now. It wouldn't take long for the Death Eaters to recuperate from my curse. I continued on, deftly maneuvering across the forest floor until I felt confident I had put enough space between us that it was safe to set up camp.

After taking care to cast my concealment charms meticulously, I collapsed to the ground on all fours and banged my fist into the soil with a grunt, letting the despair wash over me. This wasn't working. Four weeks into summer and I had nothing to show for it apart from some seriously strong thigh muscles. I'd thought about giving up so many times, but it was that doe. Snape's Patronus had shown herself to me six times now, revealing herself whenever I needed help to get out of a precarious situation, then disappearing in a blink. I always pursued after her in what I hoped was the direction she seemed to be moving – which I guessed was generally westward from London. I had to believe that eventually she would lead me back to him.

The doe had given me a thread of hope and kept me going, even though I didn't actually know what her looming presence meant. Was she always watching over me? Was he? Had he sent her to protect me, because he knew that Arawn had ordered Death Eaters after me? And if he knew I was in danger, why hadn't he come for me himself? Was his doe a sign that his feelings for me had been real, or was it just wishful thinking?

I slammed my fist into the ground a second time and rolled back on my heels, gazing up at a single cottony cloud centered within the silhouetted outline of towering oaks. It was useless. And stupid. I didn't even know what I was expecting, because I would never forgive him for being in league with the Death Eaters; for being associated with the people who murdered my mom. And I had no clue what I would say to him if I found him. I'd played out the encounter again and again in my head, and always came up blank.

I was obsessed with unraveling the mystery that was Severus Snape, and haunted by the memory of being with him; of the palpable electricity that hummed undeniably between us each time we were together. And most of all by that kiss. The kiss that stopped the Earth from spinning and made me feel as though every minute of my life had been leading up to that one, brief moment. Despite having attempted to talk myself out of it time and again… despite wanting to hate him for killing Dumbledore… despite the guilt that stabbed at me each time I admitted to myself that I should be focusing on avenging my mom's death… I just couldn't stop loving him. No amount of rationale could quell the instinct inside of me that said I was tethered to him. And thanks to my senseless, immortal feelings, from the depths of my soul I needed to understand what happened that night. I needed him to look me in the eyes and tell me he would choose them over me. It was the only way to stifle the emptiness. To fill the horrible, painful hole he'd carved out of my heart.

As twilight set in, I'd begun to pace thoughtfully, hollowing out a triangular depression in the earth between the three trees that had served as the pillars for my concealment charms. I was safe in this triangle – undetectable, invisible… hidden, as usual. I was always on the defensive, trying to chase after Snape's Patronus in between running and cowering from the Death Eaters.

In the midst of my pacing, a thought occurred to me. Perhaps hiding was no longer the solution. Maybe the only way to make forward progress was to eliminate the threat against me.

Per usual, Snape's words took control of my consciousness as soon as the idea of going on the offensive struck me. "The Death Eaters are not to be taken lightly nor would it be wise to seek out a fight against them. What I teach you will be for defense purposes only." His voice was as deep and clear as if he were standing within reach.

My fists clenched defiantly at my sides. If he cared so much about my safety, he shouldn't have walked away. And if he thought it wasn't wise to seek out a fight against them, then that was just too bad, because that's exactly what I was going to do. It was time to take the fight to them.

Chapter soundtrack: Ruelle – War of Hearts