Chapter 33
Uijeongbu Korea; August 26th; 1952
"Alright G, he's up, he's in his office, and he's had his first cup of coffee. We're not going to catch him in a better mood than this." Klinger said, poking his head into the lab where Ellie Marie was organizing charts.
She took a deep breath to steady herself as she stood up and moved towards the door.
"Hey…" Klinger said, cupping her face in his hands and making her look at him, "It's gonna be ok baby. You don't need to be nervous."
"Yeah sure….we're just about to go ask one of the most regular army commanders around to let us do something that's in every way against regulations. What could go wrong?"
After Klinger had sprung his idea on her the previous night they'd stayed up all night talking about it. The first thing they'd agreed on is that they weren't even going to consider going through with it unless they knew their families were on board. So they'd waited until 2 in the morning and then made the calls. To their great relief both of their families had been completely understanding and gave them their unconditional blessing to go ahead and get married, saying they could celebrate together when they got back, and making them promise to take lots of pictures. After that, their only hurdle was the Army. It was against regulations for couples to be stationed together in active combat zones for a host of reasons. They had a feeling they could probably get Colonel Potter to ok it, if they found a way to address all the main concerns, so they'd stayed up all night talking through a game plan of what they could say to him. Now that it was time to put that plan into action though. Ellie Marie was a basket of nerves.
"The Colonel is a reasonable guy." Klinger said to her, "not to mention a big old softie. Once we explain how we've got it all worked out, there's no way he's gonna say no. He let us be together, even though Officers and Enlisted personnel strictly aren't supposed to. Hell he helped me propose to you! It's going to be ok."
"Yeah I know…you're right. It's just this is so much bigger…this is marriage…. You know if worst comes to worst we could probably get Father Mulcahy to put in a good word for us on the merits of us not wanting to live in sin."
Klinger laughed.
"We'll keep that in our back pocket just in case." He said, "Come on." He took her hand and they walked back to the main building, and across his office to the Colonel's door.
"Are you busy sir?" Klinger asked, poking his head in the office.
"Just finishing the medical report on our latest batch of casualties, but it's all done except for adding my John Hancock. What can I do you for son? Oh by the way did you finish that requisition for the new mosquito nets? I woke up this morning and my legs looked like the Tennessee foothills!"
"Sent it out yesterday sir." Klinger said.
"Excellent." Colonel Potter said, "and I see you aren't alone. To what do I owe this early morning visit, Captain Lennox?"
"We were wondering if we could talk to you sir." She said.
"Of course." The Colonel replied, "what about?"
"Maybe we should sit down." Klinger said.
"Oh….so it's a sit down kind of talk is it?" Colonel Potter said, "I'd better get another cup of coffee then." He stood and went to the pot he had on the small stove in the corner of his office. "Either of you two like a cup?" He asked.
"No sir, We're fine." Ellie Marie said.
"Alright then." The Colonel said, sitting back down in his seat and giving them both an appraising look, "What's on your mind?"
"Well sir….we were talking last night….after watching B.J.s home movie. It kinda got to us…" Klinger explained.
"I'm with ya there…" Colonel Potter said, "It was a tearjerker for sure."
"Well sir it made us reevaluate some things." Ellie Marie said, "and…." She slipped her hand into Klinger's, "we want to get married."
"I take it from your tone, that you're not taking in the abstract, 'when the time is right' sense." The Colonel said.
"No, sir." Klinger said, "We want to get married now. Watching B.J. last night and seeing how much he loves Peg. It just made me realize, I don't want to waste any more time not having this woman as my wife."
"And I feel the same way." Ellie Marie confirmed.
The Colonel sat back in his chair and sighed.
"Well kids…." He said, "Can't say as I blame you. I can certainly understand the desire to make things official, especially in a situation like ours where we never know what's going to happen from day to day. But this is an active war zone, there's a lot of complications that come with what you're asking. The biggest one that springs to mind is accommodations, we don't have any spare tents around here to house a married couple in."
"Strictly speaking sir, that's not actually true." Klinger said, "but we knew our housing would be an issue, so we came up with two options for you to consider and see if either works for you."
"Alright, I'm listening."Colonel Potter said, taking another sip of his coffee.
"The first option would be that we rent out the hut behind Rosie's on a long term basis. It's not much but it suits our needs, and we could make it work." Ellie Marie explained, "the downside to that being we'd have to be renting it ourselves and while it is very close, we'd be living off base, which isn't ideal."
"Agreed." The Colonel said.
"Our second option is one we think would suit everyone's needs much better, but it's a little bit of a work around of the system." She said.
"Sounds like a Klinger special if I ever heard one." Colonel Potter said with a smirk.
"You're not wrong sir." Klinger agreed, smiling, "Colonel, are you aware that since I arrived at this camp two years ago there has been an ongoing issue with the nurses shower? Mainly a hole that was cut in it shortly after the camp was set up, that my predecessor Corporal O'Reily was….shall we say, hesitant to address?"
"I have heard rumors about that particular predicament, yes." Colonel Potter replied.
"Well as we were brainstorming solutions last night, it occurred to me. That hole is considered a defect, which means we can easily requisition a new shower tent for the nurses, and it would then be our responsibility to dispose of the old defective tent."
"We were thinking that open area behind the Officer's Club, across from the Motor Pool would be a great little spot to dispose of it." Ellie Marie said.
"Huh…." said Colonel Potter, "I gotta hand it to you both. That's some damn sharp thinking. It would keep you on base, and give you a place to live, all the while never officially using any Army inventory to house you."
"Exactly sir." Klinger said.
"Alright, idea accepted. Now onto the next issue, legality."
"We've gone through it sir. We're going to write up a living will today and have it ready to put through to I-Corps as soon as we're married, stating how we want any assets divided in case of our deaths all belongs in country to become property of the living spouse along with any insurance money or benefits and instructions for family in the event of our demise." Ellie Marie stated.
"And the difference in your ranks?" The Colonel asked.
"Same protocol as it's always been." Ellie Marie said, "in my position as Assistant Head Nurse I will not show favoritism towards Corporal Klinger whether he is my best friend, my boyfriend, my fiancé, or my husband.
"Ok…then that brings me to the last and most delicate issue." The Colonel said, "there has been known to exist a correlation between marriage, and babies. One of the reasons beyond logistics that the Army frowns on married service members cohabiting in active war zones, is the risk of pregnancy."
"Sir, I assure you we are being very careful." Ellie Marie said.
"I'm going to go ahead and choose to believe you said you intend to be very careful Captain." The Colonel said with a smirk, "but it's my duty to inform you that if you do in fact become pregnant."
"It would result in immediate discharge. Yes, sir I know." Ellie Marie said, nodding her head.
Colonel Potter sighed and shook his head.
"Alright then troops. When are we having this shindig?" He said.
"Really Colonel?" She said, practically vibrating with excitement.
"You two seem to have thought this out and come up with a workable plan, and who am I to stand in the way of true love?" He said smiling.
"Permission to hug the Colonel?" Klinger said, beaming at him.
"Granted." He said, and they both ran around the desk and threw their arms around him.
"Thank you so much Colonel. You don't know how much this means to us." Ellie Marie said.
"It's my honor honey." Colonel Potter said, patting her arm.
"So I guess you two have some planning to do!" He said, as they let him go and stepped back.
Hear ye! Hear ye! It's 0800 and all is hell! Incoming wounded folks!
"But unfortunately not right now." The Colonel sighed, getting up, "Alright Captain, let's get out to triage."
————-
"There we go! Another satisfied customer at Pierce's Body and Femur shop!" Hawkeye said, as he removed his gloves and the corpsman took his patient away. "Who's next? I have a lovely table for one with a view of the ceiling!"
"Prepare to applaud Hippocratic Oathers!" Klinger said, walking into the O.R., "We're out of wounded!" They all cheered.
"What do you know? The war is quitting early today. Must have a headache from all that noise." B.J. quipped. "Give him another unit, and get him ready for Post Op." He said to Ellie Marie.
"Whitfield, we need another bottle of AB positive." She called over her shoulder.
Captain Whitfield was a short term nurse who'd been with them for a few weeks. She was a career army nurse just like Margaret and it also happened that the two of them had been friends since childhood. Ellie Marie liked Helen, she was funny and slightly irreverent and her presence had greatly improved Margaret's overall mood. Ellie Marie was somewhat sad that she would only be staying another two weeks.
"Here you are Ellie, one AB positive chilled and neat." Captain Whitfield said with a wink.
'Thanks Helen!" Ellie Marie replied.
"And….Finis." Charles said, lifting his hands and allowing the corpsman to take his patient away. "Who said it was impossible to improve on perfection?"
Ellie Marie caught B.Js eye and they exchanged eye rolls.
"One more just came in, bad chest wound." Klinger said, sticking his head in the door from Pre Op.
"I'll take him, I can use the overtime." Hawkeye said.
"Pierce…I am the ranking thoracic expert." Charles said pompously, "Right over here fellas." The corpsman sat the wounded man down on Charles' table.
"Major Winchester?" Hawkeye said.
"Yes?"
"Buns away!" Hawkeye replied, and one of the corpsman stepped over and proceeded to pull Charles' scrub bottoms down to his ankles, while Hawkeye cackled.
"Pierce, are you crazed??" Charles snapped, "I have a wounded man on the table!"
"Sorry Major…he made me do it." The man who'd been pretending to be the patient said awkwardly, getting up and running out as Hawkeye continued to howl with laughter in the background.
"Captain, there's a fine line between fun and imbecility, and you just pole vaulted over it." Colonel Potter said flatly.
"Pierce…to violate the sanctity of the operating room is, even for an intellectual infant such as yourself, an act of such contemptibility I will not dignify it with a response." Charles said stiffly, pulling his pants back up.
"Hey, come on everybody." Hawkeye said, still giggling slightly, but beginning to read the room, "That was just…you know, it was a joke!"
"Well it was about as funny as a sword swallower with swollen glands!" Colonel Potter snapped.
"Leave it to Pierce to do something so tactless…" Margaret muttered.
"Yeah….well not just me though." Hawkeye said, looking pointedly at B.J.
Ellie Marie raised a questioning eyebrow at him.
"You good to get this guy to Post Op?" He said to her ignoring Hawkeye's implication.
"Yep."
"Great….I think I'll go change." He said, and he walked out of the O.R. without another word.
"Hey come on now everybody….." Hawkeye whined, realizing he was on his own, "It was funny!"
"Guess you had to be there…." Colonel Potter muttered, shaking his head.
———
"So when are we gonna tell everybody?" Klinger asked, leaning in close to Ellie Marie at their table in the mess tent.
"I dunno. I mean we still have a lot of details to work out. We haven't even applied for the license yet. The Colonel said yes, but the army itself could still deny us right?"
"Technically yes, but they won't, they never actually look into the stuff. They have too many battle plans and offensives to coordinate. An application for a marriage that's already signed by a C.O. is small potatoes."
"Ok….I still think we should wait a little. Things are kinda weird right now. Don't you think?"
"Yeah, how 'bout that thing in O.R., it was a dumb trick to be sure but I've never seen everybody turn on Hawkeye like that. Always thought he was kinda the golden boy of the camp."
"You know B.J. was in on it too right?" Ellie Marie said, "he just changed his tune real fast when he saw how bad it flopped."
"I don't blame him." Klinger said, "it turned into a witch hunt real fast and Hawkeye is the one on the stake."
As if on cue, Hawkeye walked into the mess tent and a chorus of boos erupted from everyone who saw him.
"Please, please….you're too kind." He said bitingly, "Father, what would you think about giving the people a refresher course in, 'Thou shalt not kill'?"
Father Mulcahy continued down the chow line as if he hadn't heard him.
"Oh come on Father! Not you too!" Hawkeye said in exasperation.
"Captain Pierce." The Father said stiffly, turning back to him, "having heard about the callous prank you played on poor Major Winchester, I choose not to speak with you. For if I did I would tell you that you are a blockheaded bozo! But as a man of God I am above name calling. Good day!"
He slammed his tray down and walked away.
"Geez Louise….iced out by the Father….that's gotta hurt." Klinger muttered.
Charles walked through the mess tent doors to a round of applause.
"Thank you….thank you everyone, you're very kind." He said graciously.
"Ok Charles. Let's get this settled." Hawkeye said, walking up to him.
"Settled?" Charles responded, giving him a wide eyed look of confusion.
"Get even with me." Hawkeye said, "Right here in front of everyone! Here! Come on!" He pushed his tray into Charles' hands. "Dump a tray of food over my head! Or worse, make me eat it!"
"Pierce, I could never do anything so insensitive." Charles said kindly.
"Sure you can! It's easy. Come on! Get your revenge! Tit for tat and all that!" Hawkeye said.
"I bear you no malice, my friend." Charles said, giving Hawkeye's arm a squeeze.
"What a rotten thing to say." Hawkeye grumbled, pulling his arm away.
"Pierce….I understand you. I studied a bit of child psychology you know, and I have nothing but," Charles turned to address everyone in the tent, "Ladies and gentlemen we must all have compassion for the wretched harlequin, with his compulsive need to amuse! I say to you. Do not condemn the pathetic clown, but rather pity him."
His speech was met with another round of applause and cheers.
"Oh he'a gonna milk this for all it's worth isn't he?" Klinger said.
"You have no idea…." Ellie Marie confirmed.
"Alright, cut it out!" Hawkeye said angrily, but was met with only another chorus of boos. "Fine then! Who needs you anyways!" He snapped, and he stomped out of the tent.
"And that….is why we're waiting to tell people." She said pointedly.
"Hey speaking of telling…." Klinger said, "something weird happened in the O.R. today and I've kinda been wrestling with whether I should tell the Colonel about it."
"What happened?"
"Well…you remember when you asked Captain Whitfield to get you blood?"
"Yeah."
"She almost got the wrong one. She grabbed AB negative instead of AB positive. I had to call her out on it so she didn't give it to you."
"What was her reaction when you called her out?" Ellie Marie asked.
"She thanked me and said they should label the bottles clearer, then grabbed the right one, and I mean, those bottles are labeled clear as day. I know you all work really long hours and mistakes happen, so I don't wanna read too much into it, but that's kinda a big one you know?"
"No you're absolutely right, the patient could have died." Ellie Marie said, "That being said, it could have just been a simple mistake, so you probably shouldn't run to the Colonel on a first offense. But definitely keep an eye on it, and I will too now that I know."
"Thanks G." He said, "That was my first instinct too, but I wanted to run it by you, always helps to get someone else's thoughts."
"That's what I'm here for." She teased, "for the rest of your life bucko."
He smiled and gave her a quick kiss.
———
Ellie Marie was headed into the Officers Club just as Captain Whitfield was coming out.
"Hey Helen! Leaving so soon?" She asked.
"Yeah, I'm gonna make it an early night I think. Send a letter to my brother and hit the hay." She replied.
"Oh alright then. Sleep well!" Ellie Marie said, walking inside.
She walked over and grabbed a seat at the bar.
"Hey barkeep! What's a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?" She teased.
"Just pay the toll." Klinger jibed back with a wink. She leaned over the bar and kissed him.
"Hey….none of that while he's on the job!" Sergeant Zale complained from the other end of the bar. Ellie Marie shot him a pointed look and then grabbed Klinger by the front of his shirt and kissed him forcefully.
"Deal with it, Zale. That's an order." She said.
"So what can I get you gorgeous?" Klinger asked with a smirk.
"My usual."
"GT on the rocks?"
"You got it."
"So you wanna hear the latest in the Swamp's saga of ridiculousness?" He asked, as he mixed her drink.
"Of course." She said.
"Hawkeye and B.J. are at it again." He nodded towards the back corner," They had me put glue on the one seat over there in the corner, when Charles sits on it. Boom. Pranked again."
"Wow…..they really think upping the ante is the way to go?" Ellie Marie shaking her head. "Does Hawkeye have any self awareness at all?"
"Doesn't seem that way. Oh look there's the Captain of the S.S. Oblivious now." Klinger said., nodding towards the door where B.J. and Hawkeye walked in, a few moments later Charles came through the door as well.
"I kinda feel like we should stop this for both their sakes." Ellie Marie murmured.
"Nah…if Hawkeye wants to dig his own grave that's his choice." Klinger said, "besides…we both know a little humbling isn't gonna kill the Major."
"Hard to argue with that logic." She said with a reluctant smile.
"Pierce? You wanted to see me?" Charles said, as he sat in the glued chair.
"Well…guess it's done now." Ellie Marie muttered.
"Charles….I behaved very badly towards you today." Hawkeye said.
"Oh Pierce, you are too modest." Charles replied, "Your behavior was disgusting and reprehensible."
"Even worse! I'd like to make amends." Hawkeye agreed enthusiastically, "Can I buy you a drink?"
"Oh….the rogue attempts to assuage his conscience." Charles said dryly.
"Come on…." Hawkeye said.
"And it will cost him money….Very well, I accept." Charles said.
"Alright I'll just go order," Hawkeye began to stand, "Oh no! What's this I seem to be……… not stuck to my chair." He stood easily.
"Uhhh I suddenly feel….as if something may be very wrong…." Charles said, looking down at his chair.
"Oh no no no…." Hawkeye said, as Charles stood with his chair firmly glued to his pants.
"Oh honestly!" Margaret said, standing up and glaring at Hawkeye, "I don't believe you! Enough is enough already!"
"Charles I swear! There's been a mistake." Hawkeye said.
"Oh indeed there has, but it was mine." Charles said back, "For believing for the briefest of moments that you were a civilized human being! Max….give me a knife."
"Major, don't do it! It's not worth it!" Klinger said.
"For my pants…." Charles replied, he sat down and allowed Klinger to begin cutting him free of the chair, "Attention! All personnel!" He said, and several people chuckled, "It would appear that old Doc Funny Pants is at it again, and once again I am the butt of his joke." The whole bar booed, "Please…please..We must all remember that the poor man is demented! He's obviously suffering from a fanny fetish!" Everyone laughed, "Thank you all very much. You are indeed a source of inspiration in these difficult times. I assure you I shall endure."
Klinger finished cutting him out of his pants.
"Thank you Max." He said, "it seems I am in need of another pair of trousers, perhaps…several. No telling how often I'm going to get torpedoed by Rear Admiral Pierce." The crowd gave him another appreciative laugh, and he walked out.
"It was supposed to be this chair." Hawkeye muttered glumly pointing to his own chair.
"Hey Igor, take over the bar for me while I go get Major Gluteus Maximus some new pants?" Klinger said.
"Sure thing Klinger." Igor said from the end of the bar.
It only took about ten minutes for Klinger to get back but when he came in he walked directly to Ellie Marie, and she could immediately tell something was wrong.
"I gotta talk to you." He said, and his tone was very somber.
"Ok, but what's wrong?" She said.
"Not in here." He answered, looking around, "Hey Igor you good a little longer? I gotta talk with the Captain about something."
"Oh I get it." Igor said with a smirk, "I'm doing your bar shift, while you two sneak off to 'talk'."
"It ain't like that." Klinger said, "this is serious."
"Oh…." Igor said, chanting his tone immediately, "yeah go ahead take all the time you need."
"Thanks." Klinger said, and then he grabbed Ellie Marie's hand and pulled her through the bar and outside.
"Max what is it? Are you ok?" She asked, as they walked a little ways away from the Officers Club.
"Yeah baby, I'm fine. But I was just in the supply room getting the Major's pants, and Captain Whitfield was in there, she was absolutely plastered, G. Almost dropped the bottle of whiskey she was holding when I took her by surprise and it was only a third of the way full. I kinda got the feeling it had been new when she went in."
"That's bad Max…." Ellie Marie said, running her hands through her hair.
"I know! Why do you think I came to you right away?" He said.
"We've all been known to take the edge off…..but if she was as drunk as you say she was, alone in a supply room….and combine that with the slip up in O.R…….you're gonna have to tell Colonel Potter."
"I was afraid you were gonna say that." He answered, "Man I hate being a snitch…it goes against everything in me."
"I get that…but this is coming down to patient safety. It's the right thing to do."
"I know…..I just feel bad."
"That's because you are a wonderful man." Ellie Marie said, kissing him lightly, "now let's go back inside. You can talk to the Colonel about it in the morning."
——-
"So how'd it go with the Colonel." Ellie asked the next afternoon . She was sitting on Klinger's bed folding his laundry for him and putting it in his footlocker, while he worked on the daily reports.
"Ok….he said he'd talk to the Major about it. And I feel like total crud because the Major and Captain Whitfield go way back. No one likes to have their friends get accused of something like that, you know?"
"But if she does have a problem, I know Margaret would rather know about it so she can help her. That's the kind of person she is."
"Yeah I guess…." He muttered.
"Hey Toledo." She threw a balled pair of socks and hit him in the back of the head with them, he looked over his shoulder at her.
"What?"
"You did the right thing, and whether she likes it or not now, one day Helen Whitfield will be grateful. Also, I love you."
He smirked.
"I love you back." He said.
"Klinger! Old buddy, old pal!" Hawkeye said, walking through the door from the compound. He stopped when he saw Ellie Marie on the bed.
"Are you folding his laundry?" He asked.
"Somebody has to." She said with a shrug, "if it were left up to him he'd just stuff it in his foot locker in a giant wad. I figure, I'm going to be folding his laundry for the rest of my life so might as well start now."
"That's so sweet I think I'm getting a stomach ache." Hawkeye teased, before turning back to Klinger, "So Maxwell…."
"Forget it! Forget it! I'm tapped out! I haven't got a cent to my name until payday!" Klinger said.
"Don't worry, the only thing I want to borrow is a little of your time." Hawkeye said.
"The keeper of that is over there." Klinger said, motioning over his shoulder as he continued to write.
"Ellie….."Hawkeye said, turning to her with his cheesiest smile, "Can Max come outside to play please?"
"What are you up to?" Ellie Marie asked.
"I wanna play a joke, and B.J. just quit as my partner."
"Oh boy! What are we doing to Major Winchester's pants this time?" Klinger said with a grin, turning around in his chair. "Soak 'em in lighter fluid and burn 'em off? The old exploding belt trick?"
"You are not making a very good case for your inclusion in this prank right now." Ellie Marie pointed out to him.
"Major Winchester's pants are strictly off limits. I never wanna see that keister again." Hawkeye said, "The recipient of this tomfoolery will be Ben Pierce!"
"You're gonna pull your own pants down?" Klinger asked in confusion.
"Wrong. But you catch on fast." Hawkeye replied, "This joke on me isn't gonna backfire like the one in the O Club did!"
"I think I need a compass to follow this conversation…." Klinger muttered.
"Hang on….is that why you were saying all that stuff about it being a mistake last night? Because you were trying to prank yourself?" Ellie Marie asked.
"Of course I was. Klinger you didn't tell her?" Hawkeye looked back at him, "He was in on the whole thing!"
"Hawkeye…..I think the joke really was on you." Klinger said.
"What do you mean?" Hawkeye asked.
"Captain, I wasn't in on anything." He explained, "B.J. came in and told me to put glue on the outer chair at the table so you guys could prank the Major."
"No…it was supposed to be the…." Hawkeye stopped as realization came over his face, "Oh….oh that dirty little…." He shook his head. "Will you two excuse me please? I believe the Major and I have a Captain to draw and quarter."
——-
It was just past sunrise the next morning and all the nurses were waiting patiently for their newest bunkmate to wake up. B.J. stretched and rolled over, suddenly jumping as he took in his surroundings and the five women smiling down at him.
"Oh boy…." He said, pulling his blanket up to his chin.
"Come here often big fella?" Bigalow teased, and they all laughed.
"Would you ladies excuse me?" He tried to pull the blanket off the bed, but it had been stapled down. "Oh nice touch Hawkeye…." He grumbled.
"What's the matter?" Ginger said with a mischievous grin.
"Uh….anybody happen to have a robe?" He asked.
"Oh gee I'd love to help out, but mine's at the cleaners." Ellie Marie teased.
"Okay then ladies….you have a new roommate. As long as I have nothing to wear there is nothing gonna get me out of this bed." B.J. said.
Attention all personnel! War marches on! We've got wounded!
"Except that." He sighed, "Pardon me while I slip into something less embarrassing."
He awkwardly climbed out of the bed trying to cover himself as much as possible while all the nurses whistled and cat called, he shielded his front with his cot and grabbed Baker's pillow to cover his rear as he awkwardly shuffled towards the door. He walked outside just to be faced with the entire camp cheering and whistling at him. He jumped and backed towards the door, but the ladies inside pushed him back out.
"Sorry for the false alarm Captain, they made me do it!" Corporal Bevins called holding the megaphone and, motioning to Charles and Hawkeye who were laughing so hard they were leaning on each other for support.
"Say cheese!" Charles called, as he took a picture.
"Hey, can I have my pillow back?" Baker asked from the doorway.
"No." B.J. snapped, making a run for the Swamp.
A short time later they were all seated around the table in the mess tent having their breakfast.
"Does this mean everything is back to normal now?" Ellie Marie asked, "Are you three square?"
"I dunno Charles, what do you think?" Hawkeye said.
"Well….I guess one could say we have now all been the butt of the joke. So yes I'd say we're even."
"B.J.?" Hawkeye asked.
"I dislike you both….very much." He grumbled.
"I'll take that as a yes." Hawkeye said with a grin.
"It could be worse Beej." Ellie Marie said, "at least you've got a cute lil tush." He glared at her.
"Major, I see your friend Captain Whitfield over there, how's she fairing? Still in dry dock?" Colonel Potter asked, indicating to where Helen was walking through the chow line.
"She's great sir." Margaret said, "One way or another I've made sure she hasn't been alone for the past 24 hours. So if she's sneaking booze it's been intravenously."
Suddenly Helen began to shriek and dropped her tray. Margaret jumped up and ran to her side.
"Get them off! Get them off!" Helen screamed, scratching at her skin.
"What's with her?" Klinger asked, "Is she going nuts?"
"No….she's got the D.T.s…." Colonel Potter said heavily.
"She didn't seem drunk to me…" Klinger said.
"You don't get them when you're drunk. You get 'em when you're drying out." The Colonel replied.
"I'm so sorry sir." Margaret said shakily as she held the thrashing Helen in her arms, "I would have told you if I knew it was this bad."
"I know Margaret." The Colonel said gently, "Obviously she fooled a lot of people, worst of all herself."
"Margaret." Helen said weakly, She'd calmed down but was still trembling violently, "See I told you….I told you I'd stop…I'm keeping my word…."
———
"And in just a short time I've really made a lot of progress. I'm not afraid anymore. It's not so difficult to admit you're an alcoholic when there are so many others here who are." Margaret put down the letter and smiled.
"That's amazing Margaret." Ellie Marie said, from her spot next to her at the bar.
"Yeah, the biggest step in recovery is admitting you have a problem." Hawkeye agreed.
"This kind of news calls for a toast!" B.J. proclaimed, "What do you say Margaret?"
"Good idea!" Margaret said, "Klinger we'll have a round of scotch and waters. Hold the Scotch!"
"You got it." Klinger said with a wink. He gave them their glasses and they all lifted them in toast.
"To Helen." Margaret said.
"To second chances." Hawkeye added.
"And to things finally returning to normal around here!" Charles added, "no more antics or great revelations for at least a week thank you very much."
"Well….actually…." Ellie Marie shot Klinger a quick look.
"Yeah?" He said, raising an eyebrow.
"Why not?" She said with a shrug.
"What?" Margaret said, looking back and forth between them both.
"We have something we need to tell you all." Ellie Marie said, and she saw the Colonel give a knowing smirk.
"You're pregnant??" Hawkeye said.
"No! And don't go saying stuff like that! It's a small camp!" Ellie Marie snapped.
"So what is it?" B.J. asked.
"Well….." She reached over the bar and squeezed Klinger's hand, "We're getting married."
Everyone stared at them, nonplussed.
"Yeah we know…." Hawkeye said, "did you both forget about the part where we all helped with the proposal?"
"No Captain." Klinger said, shaking his head and chuckling, "We're getting married now. Here."
There was a moment of shock as their words sunk in.
"You're getting married now?" B.J. said, "As in now, now?"
"Well I mean….not literally this minute in the middle of the Officer's Club, but yes, within the next couple weeks.
"Colonel you ok'd this?" Margaret asked.
"I did. They have a very well thought out plan, and I believe it'll work." He said.
"Where may I ask, are you planning to live?" Charles asked, "I don't see the both of you sharing the main office's living space as a viable option.
"In the nurses shower tent." Klinger said.
"Oh sure….when I asked to live there I was called a pervert but when the camp's favorite couple wants to……" Hawkeye said.
"We're replacing it, wise guy." Klinger said, "the current one has a hole. We're just going to unofficially commandeer it once the new one gets here."
"So this is really happening?" Margaret said.
"It really is." Ellie Marie confirmed with a smile.
"The number of Klingers the 4077th is going to double." B.J. said with a grin.
"What a truly horrifying thought." Charles murmured.
"Well Ellie if we only have a couple weeks we need to have started planning yesterday!" Margaret said excitedly.
"What do you mean Major?"
"Do you really think we're gonna let the two of you get married and not throw you the biggest and best wedding we can come up with?" She said.
"Yeah anyway!" Hawkeye said, "We don't get a lot of good reasons to celebrate around here. The 4077th first real love story needs to be done up right! You guys deserve all of the hoop and most of the lah."
Klinger looked over at Ellie Marie.
"What do ya say G?"
"Well…I guess it would be nice to have a wedding dress, and walk down the aisle. And I definitely wouldn't say no to a party…..Alright…let's plan a wedding!"
Everyone cheered.