Chapter 23: Shaq stays at a Queer Lodge (Pt.1)
The ocean could be viewed from the distance as Lightning McQueen zooms past the highways carrying his load of Shaquille O'Neill, Kobayashi Rindou, Stocking Anarchy, Mika Jougasaki, Ruiko Saten and Uiharu Kazari who all sat inside of him, how that works I don't know.
"Uhm guys! Looks like we're arriving at New Orleans! Look!" Spoke Lightning McQueen as he navigated all sorts of unfathomable pieces of shit which stood in his way such as Skibidi Toilets, cars and all sorts of stupid-ass dear which had dared to stand before the Lightning McQueen who expertly navigated across the throngs of bullshit on the road.
The group inside Lightning McQueen braced themselves as they approached New Orleans, a city with a reputation for vibrant culture and mysterious undertones of voodoo, hoodoo and all that sort of pagan shit. The sight of the ocean in the distance added to the surreal atmosphere of their journey as if they had finally reached their destination which they had been told by the LA Knight only yesterday...
"Alright my homie... Lightning, keep us moving forward cuz we've got business to take care of" Shaq instructed, his voice resonating with authority as he glanced out of the car's window and noticing the crazy shit going on outside, Lightning McQueen had struck a deer which had sent the fucking thing flying across the skies before smashing into millions of pieces with blood and gore which attracted all of the local wild life to devour its organs and guts eagerly.
Rindou cracked her knuckles with raw anticipation, her only thoguhts were about sex, money and slaying the fuck out of anything that stood in her path... such was the type of woman Rindou was, "Let's see what kind of shitshow awaits us in this city... hopefully they have enough beers to drink cuz I'm gonna have to need that shit after this bullshit" Rindou declared angrily, her voice filled with an exhaustion that would only suit someone who had just fought that crazy-ass motherfucker named Antonio Brown yesterday.
Stocking observed the chaotic scene outside of her window as Lightning McQueen surged forward, maintained her cynical yet composed demeanor that suited her sexy-ass gothic style... she took a sip from her tea cup and sighed, her voice laced with her signature sarcasm.
"Well well well... looks like we're diving headfirst into another shitstorm maelstrom and after fighting that fucking ex-Steeler... this is just what I needed," Stocking remarked with her gaze fixed on the unfolding chaos outside the car window. "And here I thought we could enjoy a peaceful afternoon tea for once. Silly me..."
"Guess we'll have to settle for murdering some Skibidi Toilet ass before I can indulge in more cake and tea... just my luck, fucking bullshit" Stocking quipped, rolling her eyes slightly as she set her tea cup down for a split second. "But hey, who needs a relaxing vacation when you can battle human-headed toilets, right... I mean isn't that shit so damn funm we've already done it plenty of times before... why not again and again?"
"Well looks like you'll have to save that fucking cake and tea for after we clean up this goddamn mess, quit whining about this shit ya' fucking hoe" Shaq retorted, his deep voice resonating within the confines of Lightning McQueen the Race Car. "Ain't no time for your bougie bullshit when we're knee-deep in fighting Skibidi toilets and whatever other fucked-up shit is waiting for us in this dump of a city... fuck New Orleans, never liked playing here and especially fuck whatever that bullshit is outside."
Shaq pointed at a large bloody deer which was dead and on the side of the road as Lightning McQueen zoomed past the bloody corpse.
Shaq glances out of the window of Lightning McQueen as he saw all of the fantastical bullshit which was outside which Lightning McQueen navigated through expertly... though he had struck a couple of deers which had caused his front grill to be covered in blood.
"Let's bash these fuckers real good and then we can all celebrate with cake, tea, and a shitload of booze at Bourbon Street" Shaq continued, his tone a mix of determination and crude humor. "I'm talking about getting so fucking wasted that we forget all this Skibidi Toilet nonsense ever happened. You hear me?"
"Fuck yeah! Let's hit bourbon street when we're done so I can get a fucking pounding and get all drunk n' shit" Chuckled Rindou, Shaq knew this unhinged woman was only thinking about sex and booze... only thing on her mind.
"Nah fuck that sex shit, last thing I need is you contracting HIV or AIDS or any other bullshittery STDS... I ain't a fucking gooner like you are" Shaq responded angrily to Rindou's response, he heavily opposed all that crazy shit that Rindou does as he was a man with a plan, he wasn;t a fucking idiot like Rindou was.
Stocking had begun to overhear the argument between Shaq and Rindou who had begun to talk about sex n' shit... she rolled her eyes and chimed in with her usual biting wit.
"Can we please focus on not getting murdered by Skibidi Toilets before we start planning the post-apocalyptic orgy? I understand that you're desperate for a dick but can you just rub one out for fucks sake?" Stocking remarked dryly, her expression a mix of annoyance and amusement. "I'd like to survive this shitshow with my sanity intact, thank you very much."
Stocking Anarchy took another sip of her tea, then continued with a smirk as she felt her loins pulsate eagerly.
"And as for Bourbon Street, count me out. I've had my fill of drunken debauchery and i've heard its nothing more than some lame tourist trap... Let's just get through this mess and move on to more civilized vices, shall we? I ain't into that voodoo shit."
Stocking's pragmatic outlook earned a chuckle from Ruiko Saten who couldn't help but find the situation somewhat absurd while Mika on the other hand, looked concerned but remained quiet and had begun thinking about the upcoming bullshit which was coming up, she stood awkwardly inside the confines of Lightning McQueen who had begun humming across the highway to hell, the surging city of New Orleans looming in the distance.
"G-Guys... w-what the fuck do we expect in the city of New Orleans anyways? S-Something on the creation of Skibidi Toilets and hoodoo bullshit like that?" Mika spoke awkwardly as she shifted in her seat, getting the ire of Shaq's eye.
"Ain't nothin' to worry about kiddo, we're fuckin' WOKE and besides, we've already slayed a Skibidi Toilet before, let alone a thousand? I ain't worried about faggarting those pieces of shit."
Shaq spoke as he scratched his nose awkwardly for a second, thinking about how he was about to conquest the city of New Orleans and make whoever lead that piece of fuck to bend the knee to the great Big Man of the Los Angeles Lakers.
Uiharu was still at the top of Lightning McQueen and she had been focusing on monitoring their progress, Lightning McQueen had begun to park so Uiharu could climb back down and make her way into the inside of Lightning McQueen... she had done so and had begun speaking as she looked at her phone. Uiharu, having climbed down from her perch atop Lightning McQueen, checked her phone and glanced around at the group inside the vehicle.
"Alright everyone, based on our current location and traffic conditions which are damn near non-existent, we should be arriving in New Orleans within the next twenty minutes so don't go to sleep or something like that..." Uiharu announced, her voice calm and focused. "Let's stay prepared and keep our eyes open for anything unusual... of course, my projections don't count the possibility of there being dumb-shits blocking the highways or fucking idiots crossing when we need, if that's the case... just run them over, they're all NPC's in our story."
"No stopping eh? Gotcha Uiharu-chan, I'll drop you fuckers at New Orleans and get some gas... then I return to fight alongside you fuckers?" Lightning McQueen suggested, his mind drifting back to gasoline, weedies and gummies... shit like that, that was Lightning's kinda life after his life of racing.
"Ain't no time for that, Chainsmoker cuz contrary to popular belief, we ain't here to go plowing hoes or fucking studs... we're here to kill Skibidi Toilets so quit fuckin' around before I get mad" Shaq responded as he was trying to keep these whack-ass motherfuckers in line but such was a tough task, even harder than The Perfect Run from Super Mario Galaxy 2.
"Besides, the people in New Orleans prolly ugly as shit... they ain't gonna be fuckworthy!" Chimed in Ruiko Saten, having stroked the barrel of her rifle cautiously, her expression filled with elfin determination and all sorts of crazy mental insanities that are beyond unspeakable, "I mean come on ya' fuckin' hoe, we're in a fuckin' appocalypse, I doubt them motherfuckers have time for sex anyways."
Just outside of New Orleans, them motherfuckers of Shaq decided to camp out in a queer lodge filled with various promiscuous gays which was held by Nick Saban's Alabama Crimson Tide once upon a time and while Shaq wasn't a fan of the queers... this was the only hotel in town, he checked in while everyone waited inside Lightning McQueen.
After Shaq checked out the lodge and returned to Lightning McQueen, he addressed the group with a stern expression, his voice booming with authority and stern fuckrage which ended up angering the Rindou Kobayashi.
"Alright, listen up. We're staying here for the night, but I don't want any funny business with the folks at this lodge, no making out with the queers got it? I know Astolfo got a nice bussy but we ain't here for that shit" Shaq declared, his tone serious as he looked around at the group... particularly Kobayashi Rindou "No making out with the gays, Rindou... I know you Bisexual as fuck and want to have sex with some hot chuck but we're here to rest up and prepare for what's ahead in New Orleans, not to stir up unnecessary drama and contracting Sexually Transmitted Diseases n' HIV and shit like that..."
Rindou was clearly irritated by Shaq's instruction and his bossy nature, she huffed in annoyance, her face flushing with arousal and defiance as she thought about making out with Astolfo's bussy.
"Oh for fucks sake, come on Shaq! You're such a buzzkill, can't a lady get her pussy reamed for once?" Rindou retorted, her tone defiant and filled with sexual frustration. "I'm not planning on making out with anyone, but I do plan on having sex so fuck it."
Shaq shot Rindou a pointed look, his expression unyielding as his voice bellows upon the entire group.
"We ain't allowing sex in this establishment and that is final, ain't no horny hoes or gooners gonna change that motherfucking shit!" Shaq emphasized firmly, his voice brooking no argument upon his crew "Now let's get settled in and keep our eyes peeled cuz tomorrow, we deal with whatever bullshit is waiting for us in New Orleans... shame we had to stay in this queer lodge though..."
Rindou grumbled under her breath but acquiesced, knowing that Shaq's orders were not to be taken lightly and that she would probably get her ass punished if she dared to have sex while away from the lodge, as the group prepared to rest for the night, the looming challenge of confronting Skibidi Toilet activity in New Orleans weighed heavily on their minds, each member bracing themselves for the trials ahead in this unfamiliar and potentially dangerous city.
"Yikes... is anyone hungry or is it just me?" Mika asked politely, she had been hungry for awhile now as they were to stay at this lodge normally meant for queers... Ruiko and Uiharu quickly spoke up.
Everyone in the group except for Lightning McQueen who was outside of the lodge looked at each other, they were ordering chicken tendies tonight.