Penelope laid in bed gazing upon her ceiling for quite sometime that she began to think she could paint a picture of it from memory. She released a sigh of defeat as she knew rest would not being coming to her this night. She had her achieved her goal for the season. She was to be married to a lord and be free of her family yet, the thought of freedom did not bring forth the feeling of contentment she had longed for. In fact, where such a feeling was supposed to exist she found herself deprived of any trace of it. It was if her heart was vacant.
She arose from her bed and made her way to the window. She thought perchance a breath of fresh air would do her some good. The refreshing summer nights breeze brushed her skin. She perched herself on the nook that rested beside the window and gazed upon the garden. Her eyes took notice of the garden walls and her mind returned to a night not long ago.
She felt the heat rush to her cheeks as the memories of her late night meeting with Colin returned to her. How that night she felt like one of the flowers that resided within the garden; forever confined by the walls of spinsterhood after the ton had been made aware of Colin's aid in finding her a husband. How Colin came to comfort her after she had written and published the words she knew the ton spoke of her and her character. How that night she was certain that love was far beyond her grasp that she begged Colin to act upon her deepest desire.
She lifted her fingers to lips as she recalled the moment Colin's lips met hers. How his hand gently cupped her cheek before she had given in to her yearning and leaned forward to connect their lips. Their kiss was sweet and the moment was brief however, it was not the only one shared that night. They had shared another one that differed from the first as it was driven by passion as she had craved to have as much of Colin as the night would allow her to have.
Her heart began to race in her chest as the recollection of that night summoned a wave of pleasure throughout her body. Her breathing became heavy as she began to feel the fire of desire return to her body. She could envision his face as if he was near her. Another breeze blew through the window with such a chill that it almost felt as if she was being splashed by the cool cruel waters of reality and guilt began to fill her heart. As she realized that she was still pining for Colin whilst her hand is promised to Lord Debling.
She knew it would be best for her to forget Colin and discard of any desire that dwelled within her heart for him. However, to complete such a task felt like a near unachievable challenge. As how could one discard of a feeling of great sentiment so easily without hesitation?
She sighed in defeat and made her way to her desk where she began to write the details of the nights events knowing that by noon tomorrow all members of the ton, including those whom did not attend the ball, would know of her upcoming nuptials. By noon tomorrow she knew for certain Colin would be made aware of the matter and could not help but wonder what his response would be. Would he congratulate her? Would he be indifferent? Or was there even a speckle of a chance that he would come to her and beg for her to change her mind.
Penelope could resist but release a sad chuckle as she deemed the idea laughable. Colin Bridgerton would never ever having feelings for her and for her to think otherwise was a cruel joke on herself.
Once she completed her writing she could not help but review the portion she had written about her engagement and the excitement brought upon her by it. However, the more she read it over the more it felt like a fabricated tale that she created to fool herself. She did not wish to read it again quickly folding it and placing it within her cloaks pocket before donning it upon her body. If sleep was going to evade her tonight then she figured she may as well do her printer the kindness of providing her work early; so they may complete their work with no unnecessary rush.
She crept through her house like a thief in the night only disturbing her coachman from his slumber so they may depart. They made their way to the less fortunate part of town to complete their task. Penelope ensured the transaction to be swift as she knew the sun would be rising soon and for a newly engaged debutante to be caught sneaking about in the early hours of the morning would certainly cause a scandal.
She snuck back within her chambers and climbed into bed. Exhaustion began to take hold of her and she allowed herself to submit to a dreamless slumber knowing that soon her mother would enter her chambers and begin the preparations for her wedding. A wedding that was beginning to feel more like chore than the joy filled dream she had envisioned since she was a child.