Chapter 116
Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur
"We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving."

"There is a sense in which we are all
each other's consequences"
—All the Little Live Things

Inuyasha saw the sit coming. He could practically see that little switch flipping in that pretty little head of hers, and he was not going to let her run away again.

She'd just word-vomited all sorts of bullshit, and then thought that he didn't see the damn subjugation coming.

He wasn't going to stop her from saying it, but he wasn't about to let her get away or hurt herself in the process. Kagome did dumbass shit when she was upset.

So as the world slipped from her mouth, he grabbed her in a bear hug and leaned back, feeling the beads drag him down to the ground with her on top of him.

It didn't hurt—he wasn't wounded, but smacking the back of his head against the earth wasn't pleasant by any means.

Kagome let out an adorable little 'oof' at the hard stop, and he held her firmly.

He felt her stiffen against him, and he made sure that his grasp on her was firm and solid.

She was not going to run away again. Not until they'd talked things out, and he'd made everything crystal clear.

If she still wanted to run away? Then, fine. It wasn't like his world would collapse in on itself or anything.

He'd still love her.

Kagome lifted her head up as Inuyasha still felt the spell begin to dissipate.

She started to push herself up, but he didn't let her go.

"Inuyasha," she said, but her voice wasn't angry. "Let me go."

If anything it sounded almost afraid.

"No," he replied firmly. "You're not going anywhere until we figure this out."

"There's nothing to figure out," she said, gripping the front of his shirt. "Please, let me go."

"After all the bullshit, you think I'm going to let you walk away without knowing exactly what I think?"

"Please," she begged, dipping her head to his chest.

His ears pinned back, but he kept hold of her. She was practically begging him to let her go, but she needed to hear this.

If he let her go, she'd run away. He knew this. He knew it.

"Not until you listen," he pressed, swallowing thickly.

"I've been listening," she mumbled into his haori.

He started to shift, testing to see if the spell had worn off yet.

It had mostly. He was able to move a little, and shifted so that he kept a firm grip on her arms as he moved her back to sit in front of him.

Kagome tried to pull away from him and he didn't let her, and she cried into his shoulder. A sharp sob that cut him deeper than Sesshomaru's claws ever did.

"Kagome," his voice softened in an attempt to soothe her.

"Please," she whispered. "Please just let me go."

He wanted to, and he would, if he thought that she wouldn't run away or sit him again.

But this was too important, and she wasn't listening.

"Not until you listen," he told her.

"I've been listening!" She wailed.

"No, you keep twisting everything around!"

"I'm not! Please!"

"All you've done is twist everything I say or fucking ignore it, so you're going to fucking sit there and listen to what I'm saying!"

Kagome didn't say anything else as she clung to him.

"Look, I'm probably the shittiest person on this planet," he started.

"You are not!" Kagome whined, shoving his chest lightly.

"You're right. Sesshomaru is definitely the worse," Inuyasha said as Kagome sniffled out a laugh, giving him some levity.

Kagome leaned back just a little, and he let his hands loosen their hold on her just enough that she could lean back to look at him. Lifting one hand from her back, she leaned away to look at his face.

"I'm not good at this," he said, staring at her, and she blinked up at him with those wide doe eyes. "And I—I know that I typically fuck shit up more than fix it, but I mean it. Every word."

Kagome's mouth wobbled a bit.

"But Kikyo," she started, inhaling sharply and swallowing thickly. She was blinking back tears, but her eyes were already glassy.

"Kikyo has nothing to do with this," he answered firmly, watching her face intently. She looked away from him, shaking her head in response.

"You love her," she answered, and Inuyasha grabbed her shoulders.

"No, you idiot!" He growled out. "That's what I've been trying to tell you this entire time!"

Kagome shook her head, and he growled in frustration.

"Why won't you believe me?"

"Because it'll hurt when you leave," Kagome whispered.

"And where the fuck am I going?" Kagome only whimpered, and he growled. "Where the fuck do you think I'm going to go?"

"I don't know!"

"Then why do you think I'll leave?!"

"Because—because—" She gestured with her hands again, and Inuyasha waited—impatiently—for her to finish.

"Kagome," he kept his voice low and quiet. "I'm not going anywhere."

She let out a quiet sob, so soft that he might not have heard it with human hearing.

"Kagome, why would I leave when I love you?"

She stiffened, and he was glad that she couldn't see his face right now, because he was sure that he wasn't hiding any of this well. It was all he could do not to physically flinch.

"Don't say it unless you mean it," she told him.

"Fine. I love you, okay?" He repeated. "I love you even though you're being an idiot."

Kagome covered her mouth, letting out a loud sob as she refused to look at him.

He didn't know what to do with the crying, but it seemed like a good thing. It seemed like this was going in the right direction, at least he hoped it was. Fuck him, if he knew anything about crying—bad or good or just fucking crying. He didn't know how any of this shit worked.

He gently pulled her into his shoulder, sighing out softly as she cried. His fingers ran through her hair as she held onto his shirt in a death grip.

This was good?

Fuck him, he didn't have a fucking clue anymore.

Her sobs and cries were loud, but he continued the soft gentle motions of his fingers.

She would cry, and then she would listen.

His love for her felt like that one anchor he had in this world. The one thing that no matter how wrong everything seemed was always there holding him fast when the rest of the world would cast him away.

It was there and constant, and something that he'd never be able to live without. He knew that much; he'd known that much for ages.

And now that he knew?

He'd wait forever. He'd wait 500 years if he needed to.

But Kagome wasn't pushing him away.

And Inuyasha felt like he should explain—clarify what she was for him and to him. Tell her that he was hers for as long as he lived, for as long as she lived.

But then again, if this was how she was taking him telling her that he loved her, maybe that wasn't a wise idea. Maybe, he should just allow her to adjust a bit, and keep that for another day.

"I love you," he whispered, and she cried into his chest as her arms wrapped around him, pulling her closer. His shirt was sticking to his skin, but it didn't matter. It was cloth, and it would dry.

But this?

He turned slightly and pressed a kiss to her hair.

He'd give up anything and everything if it meant that he got to keep her.

It was well past lunch when Kagome's cries had turned to sniffling whimpers.

He'd told that he'd loved her, and he was content to sit and wait. He'd continued to idly run his fingers and claws through her hair, allowing her to calm down a bit more. She no longer bawled as he held her, so maybe it was sticking in that stubborn head of hers.

It had only taken a few hours, but that was nothing to them now.

"Inuyasha?" Kagome asked, leaning away from him. She wiped her eyes with her fingers, sniffling. He stared, waiting for what she was going to say. Fully prepared to drag her against him if she even dared to say the word of subjugation.

She was not going to get away from him ever again. Not until she understood.

Kagome blinked a couple times and then took a deep shuddering breath.

She looked at him, staring at him, red, puffy eyes wandering across his face as she waited for something.

"You mean it?" She asked.

"Dummy, what did you think 'I'd rather have you' meant?"

Her eyes watered again, and her fingers tightened their hold in his shirt.

"I thought that," she sniffled, "you and Kikyo—that you would go off," another sniffle. "I wanted you to be happy, and then no one would tell me what happened with Kikyo, and I thought," she cleared her throat. "I thought you'd made your decision."

"I did?" He asked, head tilting to the side as he tried to figure out what she was saying.

"Yeah, but I thought that you'd chosen Kikyo, and you were just taking me back home to—I don't know—drop me off?"

Inuyasha rubbed his face with one hand.

"Kagome," he groaned.

How the fuck did her brain go straight to abandonment? After everything he'd fucking done, she just ignores it and plows through to him abandoning her?

"Well, what did you expect me to think?" She snapped back at him.

"I expected you to have a sliver of faith in me!—in the rest of us!"

Kagome flinched at that, and she dragged in an uncomfortable stuttering breath.

"I do," she said with a quiet voice, as she looked off to the side. Inuyasha stayed quiet, watching her. "I do have faith in you, but I don't know—all this time it's always been you and Kikyo, and I didn't think that there was room for me after her."

She didn't think—there was no room for her? She was the only thing on his fucking mind most of the time. There was probably a good hour of the day when he wasn't thinking about her, but even then—no, probably closer to all the time.

"It's sounds dumb, I know, but it's been a year of hearing how much you love her and how I don't compare, and it's a lot."

Well, he hadn't helped that at all, now that he thought about it.

He tried to let the things people said about him roll off, and he assumed that because Kagome was so strong, probably stronger than him, that she was able to do the same.

But Kagome didn't let things roll off of her, she kept them like those fucking notes she was always taking for school.

All the name-calling he'd done, it made sense why she seemed to take it so personally.

Fucking hell, how did she even still stand to be in the same place as him?

The sheer magnitude and depth of her forgiveness silenced him, and the sheer power she let him have over her.

Suddenly the bond between them felt wholly one-sided, and he realized that she'd probably offer him everything and anything he wanted and ask for almost nothing in return.

"Kagome," he breathed.

"It's dumb, I know," she said with a shake of her head, hands letting go of his still-damp shirt. "Sorry, your shirt is wet, I can clean it when we get back to the village, and—"

Inuyasha grabbed her face, turned it towards him, and kissed her.

His lips pressed against hers, and she stilled almost entirely.

Pulling away from her, he leaned back just enough to see her face.

"You kissed me," she whispered, like it was all make believe or some shit, and he snorted.

"Like it's the first time," he said, tugging her forward again, and to his relief—and utter delight—she went willingly.

She pulled away after a moment, and he whined at the loss.

"What do you mean it's not the first time?"

Inuyasha blinked at her.

"Hmm?"

"This is the first time we've ever kissed," Kagome said.

"Uh no?" Inuyasha said, tilting his head at her.

"Inuyasha, when else have we ever kissed?"

He blinked again.

"We kissed earlier. In front of Kikyo."

"We didn't kiss in front of Kikyo, and why would you do that in front of her?"

"To prove a point!" He shouted. "I'm not in love with Kikyo! I'm in love with you! So why would it matter?"

"Because you're—" Kagome paused as his words sank in. "You're not in love with Kikyo?"

"I don't think I was ever in love with Kikyo, even Kikyo admitted she didn't really love me either."

Kagome stared at him, as if his words were spoken in another language altogether. Her eyes were wide, and she stared at him. Taking a short breath, and held it for a moment before letting it go.

"When was this?" The words came out breathy and quiet.

"When she came to visit after you and her," he made a quick motion of his hand. "After the fight. She apologized for everything."

Kagome stared at him almost dumbfounded at what he said.

"What?" She breathed, shaking her head after a moment, scrunched up her nose and then shook her head again. "What?"

Inuyasha looked down at her as she clearly tried to put thoughts together and failed.

"What?" He asked as she opened her mouth to speak for the third time and then promptly shut it.

"Kikyo apologized?"

"Yeah, surprised me a bit too," Inuyasha said with a shrug. "But she apologized and said that she was going to go live the life as a normal woman."

Kagome stared at his chest, not at his face, as she clearly tried to think of something, even though he wasn't sure what exactly.

He frowned as she grabbed onto his arm as she wobbled just a bit while sitting there.

"Kagome?" He asked, hearing her try to breathe deeply and failing. They were short, quick, and he knew that she'd pass out if she didn't calm down. "Kagome?" Inuyasha asked as she tried to take deep breaths, except she couldn't. Her fingers tightened their grip onto his sleeve, and she struggled to get anything of substance into her lungs.

She wasn't looking at anything, even though she was staring right at him.

Her eyes moved, staring at something unseen, as she didn't breathe.

"Kagome!" He shouted, grabbing her face to force her attention on him. "Fucking breathe!"

He could see the glassiness of her eyes, except now she was actually looking at him. She made a few short and quick breaths that did nothing for her, and he could see the panic starting to edge into her face.

"Whatever it is, I'm here," he said, leaning in so the only thing she could see was him. He inhaled slow and deep a few times, encouraging her to breathe with him. It took her a while to calm down enough to breathe something close to normal, and he let go of her face, dragged her in and held her close and tightly against him.

She needed to know that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Whatever it is, I'll always be here," he told her, kissing her head, and Kagome reached up to grab onto his haori as she buried her face into his chest like she was hiding from something.

But she didn't cry anymore.

And that was also good?

Was it good?

Maybe it was not good?

It felt like it was good though?

"I think I need to lie down," Kagome mumbled, and he was already in motion, an arm under her legs, scooping her up as he moved his leg from under her, keeping his other arm around her shoulders, as he stretched them both out on the ground, tugging her towards him.

"We've got a bit before dinner," he said, and she blinked up at him. "Rest as much as you want." It was mid-afternoon, and they were safe here. It would take Kaede a bit to get the deer butchered and ready for dinner anyway.

He'd take her back to the village when she was ready.

They were laying on the ground, and Inuyasha had her pressed against his side in the grass. Her head rested on his chest, and his arm wrapped around her back, pressing her against him.

It was something that he could get used to, if he were allowed.

"Kikyo," he started, swallowing a bit as he tried to think of something to say that would bring her comfort.

The best he'd ever been able to offer was himself.

"She didn't think that you'd forgive her for what she did."

Kagome flinched a little at that, and Inuyasha brought his hand up to lightly rest over hers. He'd said that he'd loved her, but she'd just cried about it and tried to run away.

Maybe—maybe he'd made a mistake.

He didn't regret it, but it still hurt.

It was fine. He'd live.

He'd lived with much less than what he had now.

"It wasn't her—the stories you've told me make it sound like she wasn't the person you used to know."

Inuyasha shifted his head to look down at her head, but she was looking up at him.

"I didn't know about her," he said, swallowing thickly. "She explained everything, about how she was using your reiki."

Kagome leaned up a little and looked at him.

"What?"

"Kikyo—she was using your reiki—because hers was gone. I didn't know, I swear."

"Kikyo was stealing my reiki?"

"It's why you couldn't use it all the time. I—I didn't realize that when I said all those things to you."

Kagome sat up fully and stared at her hands.

"She was the reason I couldn't use it?"

Inuyasha leaned up on his elbows a bit as she continued to stare at her fingers.

"I thought that I was just bad," she said, sniffling. "Miroku made it sound so easy, and I just couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, and I was really trying! I tried so hard to do it!"

Inuyasha didn't know what to say to that. He'd been part of the crowd that had told her that she was slow and dumb and couldn't match to Kikyo's prowess with reiki. He'd been part of the crowd goading her into giving up.

Now, he could practically punch himself in the face for it.

It was bad enough to know that he was behind part of her insecurities, and he could really just go back and beat himself senseless over it.

He sat up to face her.

"I know," was all that he could think to say. Anything else felt like short changing her and what he did to her. "I can't believe that you're even talking to me after how I treated you."

Kagome looked up at him, eyes searching his face.

"I said things that weren't nice," he continued, unsure of what to say to make it better.

Kagome let out a wet laugh.

"You always say things that aren't nice."

"I shouldn't have said them to you."

Kagome wiped her eyes, and he reached up to lightly brush the tears away from her face.

He tipped her head, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"Thank you for telling me the truth," she said, shifting to rest her head against his chest, and he scoffed at that. "No one told me, and I was scared you wouldn't want me around anymore since Kikyo was back to normal."

"Idiot," he grumbled at her. "You're the only person worth having around."

It was quiet for a beat, and Inuyasha dragged her in as close as he could, pressing his nose into her hair.

"I love you too, you know," she whispered, and Inuyasha felt his body freeze up as he looked at her.

His ears flicked forward, and she stared for a moment before starting to pull away from him. Trying to tug her hand free, but he only tightened his grip on her.

She said she loved him too.

She loved him too.

He loved her. She knew it; he knew it.

She loved him. She loved him.

Every part of him sang at her revelation, feeling lighter than he had in days and weeks.

The fog and air between them had cleared.

And then he practically dove for her, arms wrapping around her as he rolled onto his side to embrace her fully against him.

Kagome squeaked a bit at the sudden move, but she didn't pull away from him.

"I love you," he whispered to her, burying his face into her hair.

"I love you too," she mumbled into his haori, and he let out a coarse laugh, reaching with a gentle hand to turn her face up to him so he could kiss her again.

A/N: Happy Thursday!

You get this posted early because I have a small road trip that I'm taking to get a pair of kittens that I've adopted. I'm very excited, but it's been well over a decade since I've had a true kitten much less two at the same time.

The next update may or may not happen since I signed up for Inuspiration and after all the issues that I've been having lately with focus, I'm not iquite/i where I should be. So just don't be surprised if there's not an update, but I hope that this one has left you in a good place.

It's only taken us 116 chapters and 430k words to get this point, so I hope that this was worth the wait.

Enjoy and as always let me know what you think.