Another bit of absurdist silliness inspired by the JAFF trope inversion bingo. The prompt was "the hero is a very mediocre horseman".
WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR LIFE EXPECTANCY
Mr. Bennet was still feeling a bit weak after his recent bout with fever, but he did not think it was bad enough to call the apothecary. However, Mr. Jones arrived quite unexpectedly and he brought a stranger who was introduced as Mr. Fawkes.
"We have been trying to reach you about your life expectancy," Mr. Fawkes said.
"Is this about life insurance?" Mr. Bennet asked.
"Unfortunately no, Mr. Bennet," Mr. Fawkes said. "The thing is, in your current circumstances, no insurance provider would agree to sell you a policy."
"Oh, what is wrong with me?" Mr. Bennet was a little startled.
"I have recently treated you for a mystery illness," Mr. Jones said. "And you told me that your carriage was damaged in an unexplained manner. You have had palpitations, and there have been indications that you may be at risk for a tumour or an apoplexy."
"So what you are saying is that my days are numbered?"
"Everyone's days are numbered," said Mr. Fawkes. "We call it the calendar."
"But lately I have been very concerned," said Mr. Jones. "The last time we met you mentioned your worries about the entailment of Longbourn and asked me about your chances of surviving long enough to see all your daughters settled in marriages. Even since I have been reading obituaries, medical case reports, and laymen's anecdotal descriptions of deaths in their families. And I have noticed that there is a disturbing number of cases in which gentlemen in your exact circumstances have experienced sudden death."
"What do you mean, in my circumstances?"
"I mean that gentlemen named Bennet with five unmarried daughters, living on an entailed estate, tend to drop dead with an alarming frequency these days. Their mortality rates have shot through the roof," Mr. Jones said.
"Why, what happened to them?" Mr. Bennet inquired.
"The causes of death are varied. They may die of contagious fevers, of fevers that afflict no one else in the neighbourhood, of apoplexy, and of heart trouble."
"I am getting over my recent illness," Mr. Bennet said. "Your treatment worked."
"That is nice," Mr. Jones said. "But the bad news is that there is little that can be done for most of the diagnoses that proved fatal to these other gentlemen like yourself."
"Oh," Mr. Bennet said. "This is very depressing to hear."
"It is not all bad news," Mr. Jones said comfortingly. "No thumbs got amputated, and your risk of dying of constipation appears minimal."
"That is a good thing," Mr. Bennet murmured faintly.
"And there are zero reports of toothache, conjunctivitis, eczema, or fungal infection of ingrown toenails."
"Well, that is something, I suppose."
"One must find joy where one can," said Mr. Fawkes. "Small pleasures, and all that."
"So there are some encouraging news about my health," Mr. Bennet said.
"Yes, the incidence of projectile vomiting is quite low among Mr. Bennets, " said Mr. Jones.
"Unless poisoned," said Mr. Fawkes.
"Oh," said Mr. Bennet.
"It seems that estate owners named Bennet are at a significantly increased risk of dying unexpectedly," Mr. Jones said. "In comparison, the mortality rates of, say, Sir Williams and attorneys named Phillips have been considerably lower, although they appear to live a more sedentary lifestyle than an average gentleman farmer going about his estate business."
"We are very worried, and wanted to caution you," said Mr. Fawkes. "It is not merely your health that you need to be watchful for. I should tell you that I work for the magistrate, and we have also been alarmed by a spate of fatal accidents lately."
"Fatal accidents?" Mr. Bennet's voice rose.
"There have been inquests for several Bennets who died in carriage accidents. Some have been shot. A couple of Bennets died while cleaning their guns and the weapon was discharged accidentally. A few died in a housefire. And there has been a disconcerting increase in riding accidents."
"Riding accidents?" Mr. Bennet echoed.
"The frequency of deadly riding accidents among Mr. Bennets is very high, considering how rarely any of them are seen riding without incident."
"I am a very mediocre horseman and seldom ride a horse," Mr. Bennet said. "Our horses are needed for the farm, and for the carriage."
"Exactly," Mr. Fawkes said. "The same was true for the other Bennets who nevertheless perished falling from their saddles."
"Imagine that," Mr. Bennet exhaled.
"So you see why we are anxious for your health," Mr. Jones said.
"A number of the shooting deaths may not have been entirely accidental," Mr. Fawkes said grimly.
"Murders?" Mr. Bennet started looking pale.
"One has not always been able to prove it," Mr. Fawkes said. "But according to the inquest reports, some Bennets died in very suspicious circumstances. The poachers tend to get blamed but who knows."
"And in cases of death by fire, it is difficult to rule out arson," Mr. Jones said. "A fire that started accidentally looks much like a fire that was started deliberately."
"Oh my," Mr. Bennet whispered.
"If Bennets fight duels they are almost certain to be come out of them less alive than they were to begin with," Mr. Fawkes said.
"I have never fought a duel in my life," Mr. Bennet said.
"We know that," Mr. Fawkes said. "You are still alive."
"Better see that you will not do that in the future either," Mr. Jones said. "Not even to protect your wayward daughter's honour."
"I have a wayward daughter?" Mr. Bennet asked.
"Not to cast any aspersions on any of your children," Mr. Jones said. "But many of the dead Bennets did."
"Based on past history, I would suggest keeping an eye on your youngest," Mr. Fawkes said. "If a young Miss Bennet happens to go to Brighton and elopes with a scoundrel from the regiment there is a very good chance that the shock, grief and remorse kills her father."
"What about other circumstances? Is there anything I can do to increase my chances of survival?"
"It might be unwise to allow your eldest daughters to travel."
"What?"
"Several Mr. Bennets died or got ill unexpectedly while his daughters were away from home."
"Well, if a man has enough daughters there is a good chance that some of them have chosen to travel occasionally and happen to be elsewhere when their parents die," Mr. Bennet said, trying to reassure himself. "It does not mean that the daughters being away from home killed him."
"No, but it is a very curious coincidence," Mr. Jones said. "There are several medical case reports of Bennets dying of illness while the two eldest daughters were unavailable to help in their care."
"The inquests for some of those suspicious deaths found that two daughters had alibis, by way of being in London and in Kent at the time of the suspicious shooting," Mr. Fawkes added.
"An alibi is a good thing, I should think," Mr. Bennet said. "I would hate for my daughters to be distressed by being labeled a suspect."
"Yes but sojourns to London and Kent happen to coincide with the death of Mr. Bennets far too often to be due to random chance," Mr. Jones said. "We think it may be a contributing factor."
"I understand going to London but why Kent, specifically?"
"The Bennet heirs are likely to live in Kent and marry a friend of the Bennet girls," Mr. Fawkes said. "The usual story is that one of the daughters goes to visit the heir's family."
"My heir married one of the Lucas girls," Mr. Bennet said. "She is friendly with my girls, and Elizabeth in particular."
"There you go," Mr. Jones said. "It is a very distressing circumstance, due to all these coincidences."
"Very strange," Mr. Bennet said.
"We cannot say anything definitive about the causation," Mr. Fawkes said. "But the frequency of the daughters travelling and the fathers perishing simultaneously makes us certain that these things are somehow connected."
"Do you know who killed the fathers then?" Mr. Bennet wanted to know.
"Well," said Mr. Fawkes. "I regret to say that we do not always know for sure. But in cases such as these, one usually has to ask, cui bono?"
"Who benefits?" Mr. Bennet said.
"Yes," Mr. Fawkes nodded. "Is there someone who would benefit from your death?"
"Well, my wife and daughters are better off if I am alive, on account of not being homeless," Mr. Bennet said. "So you can rule them all out, alibis or not."
"Good," said Mr. Jones. "One does not like to consider the possibility of patricide."
"Obviously, my cousin Mr. Collins is the one who benefits financially if I die."
"It is a possibility," said Mr. Jones. "Although in most of the case reports we have had, the heirs were known to have been in another part of the country and could not have been the shooter or arsonist."
"My heir visited Longbourn last autumn and I survived," Mr. Bennet said. "So did he but it was a close thing."
"You might need a bodyguard for the next time."
"He could not leave his patroness very often, or so he says."
"We must note that most heirs had in-laws in Hertfordshire," Mr. Fawkes said. "It is conceivable that the in-laws might have an interest in hastening the death, since it would have an effect in their daughter's status and income."
"Are you saying the Lucases are trying to kill me?" Mr. Bennet was shocked.
"No," Mr. Fawkes said. "We are saying that you need to be careful."
"Do you have any enemies?" Mr. Jones asked. "Anyone who might be glad to see you dead, even if there is no money in it for them?"
"Not that I am aware," Mr. Bennet said.
"Is there anyone whose life would change for the better after you are dead?"
"Well, I would not know about it, would I?" Mr. Bennet asked. "On account of being dead."
"Right," Mr. Fawkes said.
"What about my wife's health?" Mr. Bennet asked. "What about all those other Mrs. Bennets?"
"Most of the time they seem to be fine, sir," Mr. Fawkes said. "None of them was murdered, as far as we know. However, there are some reports of contagion or housefires which killed other family members besides Mr. Bennets."
"My daughters?"
"There is some variability but generally speaking, the wife and the daughters seem less prone to tragedy than their fathers," Mr. Jones said. "If the youngest elopes with a rogue, anything might happen to her. The eldest is in some danger of declining due to a broken heart and the second daughter is oddly susceptible to amnesia. "
"Elizabeth is susceptible to amnesia?"
"We have found evidence of a weird cluster of cases of selective memory loss among the Bennet daughters," Mr. Jones said. "Sometimes there is an associated head injury but occasionally the amnesia seems entirely sporadic. Often she forgets the events of the past year and the acquaintances she has made during that time in particular."
"That is very frightening," Mr. Bennet said.
"I do not mean to alarm you unnecessarily," Mr. Jones said. "In most cases the daughter recovers most of her memory. But it is a suspicious coincidence that whenever someone has amnesia it is nearly always the second eldest daughter."
"I think she might be faking it," Mr. Fawkes said.
"But why?"
"That we do not know," Mr. Fawkes said. "But how can it be explained that the second eldest Bennet daughters get memory loss much more often than their siblings? There are no reports of the three youngest daughters losing their memory whatsoever."
"Are they at risk of dying of the head injury?" Mr. Bennet was worried.
"No, on the contrary. In most of these reports the second eldest daughter ends up happy regardless of what other tragedies take place."
"My hardy little Lizzy."
"This is a bit difficult for us even to suggest…" Mr. Fawkes said.
"Then do not suggest," Mr. Bennet said. "Come straight to the point."
"Fine," Mr. Fawkes said. "I suppose there is really no harmless, polite, respectful and unhurtful way of saying what we are about to say."
"Straight to the point?" Mr. Bennet reminded him.
"I suppose the point is, cui bono," Mr. Fawkes said.
"Who benefits from my death?" Mr. Bennet said. "I suppose you would not have taken the trouble of coming all this way here just to tell me that Mr. Collins benefits so you must have someone else in mind."
"Yes. Do you know Mr. Darcy?"
"Darcy? That tall, mute fellow who follows Mr. Bingley around?" Mr. Bennet was surprised. "What has he to do with anything? I have not even spoken with him above ten words together."
"The problem with Mr. Darcy is that the success of his marital aspirations seem to be connected with your life expectancy. We have several case reports in which one of the Bennet daughters first refused to marry him but later agrees because her father died and she would rather marry a wealthy man than face destitution and homelessness. In some cases the daughter had already become a governess or a companion before the gentleman renders his second, more successful proposal, promising to aid her remaining family."
"This seems very fanciful," Mr. Bennet said. "By any chance, have you been testing the laudanum lately? No matter what happened in all those other Bennet families, I cannot imagine the gentleman I know having any interest in any of my daughters."
"By all accounts, these Darcys are reserved gentlemen and rather difficult to read," Mr. Jones said. "Thus they might have feelings that are not evident to a casual observer."
"Perhaps he and his friend Bingley both fell for my Jane?" Mr. Bennet mused. "They could not both have her and there was no way to solve the dilemma amicably so in order to preserve their friendship they both decided to leave."
"That is a viable theory," Mr. Fawkes said. "But in most of the anecdotes that we have he is more likely to be pining for the second eldest."
"But that is nonsensical," Mr. Bennet said. "I have it on good authority that he considered Lizzy not handsome enough to tempt him."
"That may have been true at one time but multiple proposals would seem to indicate a change of heart might have take place."
"Multiple proposals? But Lizzy does not even like him," Mr. Bennet said.
"I suppose that may be why all those Darcys have had trouble getting the Bennet girl to agree to an engagement."
"So she always turns him down?" Mr. Bennet asked.
"Usually," Mr. Fawkes responded. "Although we have several reports in which a man of his description was in the process of proposing to a second eldest Bennet daughter in Kent just when she received news of your death, and she failed to refuse him in several of those cases."
"Curious," Mr. Bennet said. "But this makes no sense."
"We have no idea why these things are connected," Mr. Jones said. "But they are. If a woman named Elizabeth Bennet travels to London or Lambton her father rarely dies. But if she goes to Hunsford and is alone with a marriage-minded gentleman there is a very good chance that she receives an express about her father's death or news of an accident or sudden illness that he is not expected to survive."
"So the key to a long life is not to allow Lizzy to go to Hunsford?" Mr. Bennet mused. "Lizzy may live longer, in any case, if she is spared having to listen to my heir's sermons. That man can bore an angel to death."
"We do not know the key to a long life," Mr. Fawkes said. "But it is all strange enough that we thought you should be aware that there might be a key to a shorter one."
"Is Mr. Darcy a suspect in my death then?" Mr. Bennet asked.
"Well, you are not dead yet," Mr. Jones said. "You just look like it."
"Most magistrates would not feel justified in calling the Darcys suspects in most of those deaths," Mr. Fawkes said. "If he is in Kent proposing to an irate woman while a Mr. Bennet dies in Hertfordshire he has a pretty good alibi."
"But he seems to be the one who benefits the most," Mr. Jones said. "His best chance to marry for love is for his sweetheart's father to die so she marries him for security."
"He might have an accomplice, I suppose," Mr. Fawkes said. "How does he always happen to be there just at that moment? Did he have some prior knowledge of Mr. Bennet's death? Perhaps he arranged for the shooting and positions himself strategically to propose at the right second when the daughter gets the news."
"This is a disturbing thought," said Mr. Bennet. "But does he actually have to have me shot? Could he not merely tell her that I died? Surely it does not have to be true."
"Disguise of every sort is his abhorrence," Mr. Jones said.
"But getting away with murder is a kind of a disguise, is it not?" Mr. Bennet said. "How does Elizabeth get along with a killer as a husband then?"
"I was just speculating," Mr. Fawkes said. "I should say that we have no actual evidence that any of the Darcys had anything to do with any murder, and I repeat that many of the deaths appeared to be completely natural."
"Most of the reports that get as far as the marriage indicate that while there may be challenges and vexations and the couple certainly argues a great deal occasionally but Mrs. Darcy has such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily attached to her situation, that she could, upon the whole, have no cause to repine," Mr. Jones said.
"Well, he has ten thousand a year," Mr. Bennet said. "According to my wife, anyway."
"As to that, we are not sure," Mr. Fawkes said. "Some evidence indicates that he may be richer than that."
"So, what you are saying is that Elizabeth might be happily married to Mr. Darcy," Mr. Bennet said. "But it is more likely to happen if I am dead."
"That is it in a nutshell," Mr. Jones said. "Your life expectancy and your daughter's happiness seem to be tied in some mystical fashion that we are not able to explain."
"So what should I do?" Mr. Bennet asked. "I love Elizabeth but I have no wish to die just to make her happy."
"We do not have all the answers," Mr. Jones said.
"We have no answers," Mr. Fawkes said. "All we have are more questions."
"What if I send Elizabeth to Hunsford and fake my own death?" Mr. Bennet asked. "If the express she gets is important she could have that, yet I would not have to die for real."
"We do not know," said Mr. Fawkes. "We have no record of that ever happening so it is a possibility."
"But people who faked their deaths also die for real," Mr. Jones said, crushing Mr. Bennet's hopes.
"Do you think my life could be spared if I could get Elizabeth to marry Mr. Darcy in some other manner?"
"We do not know but it is a good thought," Mr. Fawkes said. "Our view might be skewed because most of the reports we read are cases in which Mr. Bennet died. We have no obituaries, inquest reports or medical case files of those people who still live, happy and healthy."
"But I do recall some anecdotes in which Mr. Bennet survived long enough to walk his daughters down the aisle and to visit the estates of his sons-in-law when he was least expected," Mr. Jones said.
"So that is what I need to do," Mr. Bennet said. "But Lizzy loathes Mr. Darcy. How on earth am I going to get her to marry him?"
"Well, you are her father, are you not?" said Mr. Fawkes. "You can just tell her what to do."
"Oh, lawks a mercy," said Mr. Bennet. "I can just tell that you have no daughters."
"Is your daughter available now?" Mr. Jones asked. "Perhaps if we explain everything to her…"
Miss Elizabeth was called into her father's book room and the gentlemen did their best to explain that her father's life expectancy was mystically correlated with her marriage to Mr. Darcy. She was confused and sceptical but she could see that Mr. Jones and Mr. Fawkes were in earnest and that her father was in some distress.
"Oh, poor Papa," she said sympathetically. "If you need to have me as the mistress of Pemberley in order to survive, I am sorry but your odds are not good. You might as well order your coffin now for I am positive that Mr. Darcy will not propose to me."
"How can you be sure?" Mr. Jones asked.
"Would I not know if he was my suitor? He has given me no indication of any such plans," Miss Elizabeth said. "We do not move in the same circles so unless Mr. Bingley buys Netherfield I am not likely even to see him again."
"Someone who is not a suitor now might become a suitor later," Mr. Fawkes said.
"Yes but not Mr. Darcy." Miss Elizabeth laughed. "I am sorry but this is completely absurd. I am sure he is quite the last man on earth who could be prevailed upon to propose to me."
"But if he did, what would you say?" Mr. Jones asked.
"I would be dumbstruck, I imagine," Miss Elizabeth said. "I have no interest in marrying him but the czar of Russia will be the butler of Longbourn before Mr. Darcy fancies himself in love with me. He would never stoop as low as a proposal."
"But if he did, you would say yes?" Mr. Bennet demanded. "My life may depend on it, so you must promise."
"I am sorry, Papa, but if your life depends on my marrying Mr. Darcy you are as good as dead already," Miss Elizabeth said. "There is no chance of that ever happening."
"I did not ask you to say yes to Mr. Collins," Mr. Bennet said, pleading desperately. "But please, I need you to do this, I do not wish to die."
"I can see that this is important to you, Papa," Miss Elizabeth said. "But surely this is a moot point. Mr. Darcy is never going to ask me."
"If he will never ask you then you might as well promise to say yes if he does," Mr. Jones said practically. "What have you got to lose?"
"Yes!" Mr. Bennet exclaimed. "Surely you can do this much for me, Lizzy."
"Very well," Miss Elizabeth said. "Mr. Darcy will never ask me to marry him but if he does I solemnly swear that I shall accept him."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you," Mr. Bennet said, with emotion.
"We are going to live happily ever after, be madly in love, and raise the cutest puppies."