This chapter is emotive, I recommend having tissues at hand
...
December 26, 1997
Lily paced furiously around the attic. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to break things. She wanted to take out her wand and cast hexes until she was exhausted. But she couldn't do any of that, because she couldn't risk attracting attention.
So, she kept pacing like a caged animal, under Susan's worried gaze.
"I hate him, I hate him! Why can't he tell me the truth? Why does he have to lie to me?"
"Lily, it's not worth getting so angry," Susan tried to reason with her, in a calm voice. "Also, what did you want him to tell you?"
"The truth! I just want the truth."
"Do you really want to know? What if it's not what you expect? Would you really like him to be your father?" Susan approached her, and Lily wiped her tears with her hands.
"I don't know. I don't know if I want him to be, or not to be. I just want..." Lily couldn't explain what she felt. "Why does it have to be so complicated?" Lily was no longer angry, but she felt lost, abandoned and helpless. Susan hugged her tenderly, rubbing her back.
"It's okay," she whispered, as Lily sobbed into her shoulder, clinging tightly to her.
Did she want Severus to be her father? Was she so in need of his love?
Dozens of images flooded her mind. Severus giving her the scroll with the spell to get her books back, Severus teaching her how to summon a Patronus, Severus smiling when he saw the silver doe, Severus growling slightly before giving in and granting her what she asked for...
Severus, looking at her proudly, explaining how to evade a curse, smiling excitedly when they dueled.
Severus, putting his hand on her shoulder, guiding her and teaching her to control her strength.
Severus fuming when Umbridge questioned her, as if he was going to jump on her neck for daring to insult Lily.
Severus telling her that she was qualified to research Potions and encouraging her to embark on her career as a researcher.
Severus teasing her, not bothering with her blatant retorts...
And finally, Severus, looking at her with kindness and interest from the other side of the cauldron, cutting ingredients and talking to her, asking her about classes and her summer plans. As if he really cared. As if she were important to him...
"Would you really like him to be your father?"
"Yes, I would like to," she confessed, her voice breaking. "I wish he were..."
ooo
January 20, 1998
"The Carrows have done it again, they are torturing the students with the Cruciatus Curse," Severus growled, pacing in front of the desk. From his portrait, Dumbledore looked at him with a serious expression. "I can't do anything, I can't go into the classroom and stop them."
"It would be very suspicious, of course. However, you were right to send Ginny and Neville to Hagrid."
"Everyone thinks the Forbidden Forest is dangerous..." Severus snorted. "At least it's no more dangerous than the Carrows."
"Try to give them a wake-up call, remind them not to spill magical blood."
"I've already done it. They told me that, technically, they are not making anyone bleed," Severus gritted his teeth in anger. "Maybe I should poison them... a couple of drops in their tea should do the trick."
"As tempting as it may be, you must not expose yourself, Severus," Dumbledore warned him.
"Perhaps I can try to intercede with the Dark Lord. I could convince him that violence will not make his detractors lower their wands. Maybe if he showed mercy—"
"It won't work, Severus, lord Voldemort is not known for his mercy. No, even if the situation is difficult, you should not do anything. For the moment, just continue to turn a blind eye to what the students do and ignores when the other teachers help them."
"Dumbledore's Army continues to gain followers," for the first time, Severus smiled weakly. "Longbottom is their leader, surprisingly. That kid has developed a courage that I didn't think he was capable of."
"People surprise us at the most unexpected times," Dumbledore commented, raising his eyebrows. "Have you heard from Lily White again?"
Severus brushed against his ring almost without realizing it. The metal was colder than normal, and if he focused his attention on it, he felt sorrow, anger, and disappointment. And that hurt him more than he was willing to admit.
"She is still angry. Her teacher says she doesn't want to talk to her either, and she spends most of her time locked in the attic with her... friend."
"It's understandable. The girl just wants answers to her questions, it is normal that she wants to know the truth," Dumbledore noticed the professor's stormy expression. "Is there anything else that worries you?"
Severus had stopped in front of the fireplace, staring blankly into the flames.
"I'm not going to survive this war, am I?" he asked in a low voice, without looking at the portrait.
"Why do you say so?"
"Call it intuition."
"I can't know, Severus."
"But it's unlikely, isn't it?" Severus sighed, running a hand over his face. He wasn't angry, he just felt terribly tired. "I just want to be prepared, nothing more."
"I can assure you that death is not painful."
"That's not what worries me. I don't worry about myself."
"It's because of Lily, isn't it?"
"What will happen to her if Potter doesn't defeat the Dark Lord? In all official documents she is a muggleborn."
"Even more reason to tell her the truth," Dumbledore insisted, softly. Severus shook his head, bitterly.
"The truth... will make her hate me even more."
"But it will prepare her for what is to come. Think about it, Severus, don't let her find out from other sources."
ooo
April 2, 1998
"Dear Lily,
"I'm sorry to treat you with this degree of informality, but this may be the last opportunity I will have to communicate with you, and I need to speak frankly.
"I am aware that our last meeting was not what you expected, and for that I accept my responsibility. Your anger towards me was justified, as was your search for answers.
"The wizarding world is engulfed in war, and soon the fate of the wizarding community will be decided. And now, more than ever, you need and deserve to know the truth.
"However, the truth is complex and may seem strange. I ask you to take your time to understand and process what you are about to read. Rest assured that everything I write here is true.
"There are very few people who know what I am going to tell you. Most of the witnesses have died or suffered a memory wipe. However, the portrait of Albus Dumbledore could confirm these facts and answer most of your questions, if necessary.
"Before your birth, during the final years of the First Wizarding War, the Dark Lord developed a plan to improve the magical lineage. To do so, he selected the wizards and witches he considered most suitable, so that they would spawn a new generation at the service of the new order.
"This took place in a ceremony in which dark magic was used. I cannot give you more details about it, as I erased all memories from my mind. However, I can confirm that there was a baby born from this ceremony. If you are reading carefully, you will have guessed that that baby was you.
"As for your biological parents, I can state without a doubt that they are Narcissa Malfoy and myself.
"Before you start any kind of crazy speculation, I must assure you that our participation in this experiment was not voluntary, and due to the spell used, it was not avoidable either.
"Due to the defeat of the Dark Lord, the event was kept secret, and as far as I have been able to find out, no one is interested in remembering it or seeking information about it. This does not mean that you are safe from danger, so I strongly request that you do not risk your safety looking for answers, it's not worth it.
"Narcissa and her husband decided to erase their memories, to forget what happened, so I advise you not to go to them for information or help. It is very possible that they will not welcome you and you will end up putting yourself in danger.
"As for me, I received your custody when you were just a few weeks old, and I placed you in Dumbledore's care. It was he who enrolled you in the orphanage where you grew up and ensured your safety and protection during your childhood.
"Certainly, he would have preferred that you remain in my care, but as I have already said, your conception was not a voluntary act, and at that time I did not feel capable of assuming that responsibility.
"I apologize for any pain this has caused you. I am aware of my weakness and my cowardice, and I wish things had been different. I have tried to redeem myself in many ways over the years, but I know that it is not possible to compensate for the paternal presence that you deserved.
"It comforts me to know that you have grown up surrounded by people who have ensured your safety and well-being. It is much more than I would have been able to give you at that moment.
"Again, I regret it, I wish I could have treated you as you deserved. My inability to see beyond my own weakness has robbed me of the opportunity to see you grow and live longer by your side.
"Despite my stupid decision to push you away from me, I recognized your true identity as soon as you arrived at Hogwarts, and with more clumsiness than success I tried to protect and guide you in the best way possible.
"During the last few years, I have been aware of the danger that was coming, and I have tried to prepare you for it. I planned our lessons and training to teach you how to fight and survive, although I will not deny having enjoyed your company immensely, and I admit that many times I extended our sessions to be able to spend more time by your side.
"I am aware that my actions towards you have not always been the best, and that my lack of kindness has caused you harm more than once. For all this I apologize. I have no excuses for my behavior, and I will not try to fill your head with false pretenses.
"Your anger was justified the other day. You were right, I sent you the Christmas gifts. I didn't do it in the hope of buying your affection or your forgiveness, in truth, I was only looking to contribute in some way to your happiness.
"The fact that you never knew who sent you the packages should confirm that I never had ulterior motives. I am sorry if I have caused you discomfort with this overconfidence, that was never my intention.
"It has been a pleasure watching you grow as a witch, and part of me rests easier knowing that you have the knowledge and talent to survive. I wish you didn't need those skills, but even I can't guess what the future holds.
"And it is precisely in preparation for that future that I am writing this letter to you. If my suspicions are true, I will not survive this war, and I would like you to be prepared for what could come.
"As I've already told you, you can't expect anything from your mother's family, but that doesn't mean you have to live in poverty. I have written my will, leaving all my possessions and money in your name. This includes the property of a house that from today will also be yours.
"I have appointed Miss Anderson as executor, so she will receive the necessary instructions when the time comes.
"I haven't given any justification as to why you are the sole beneficiary of my assets, so depending on the political situation, you can argue it as you see fit. You could explain it as a donation from the Head of Slytherin House to one of his brightest students, or if you wish, as the last gift that a father gives to his daughter.
"I understand that you do not want to be associated with me, especially after everything I have done, but I ask you to consider with a cool head what is most appropriate. It is not certain what the outcome of this war will be, but if the Dark Side wins, it may save your life to be recognized by the last name of a former Death Eater.
"Again, I leave it in your hands. I believe that you are intelligent enough to survive in the times to come, and you have always known how to fight and persevere despite the obstacles that were against you.
"You are also a better person than I could ever be. Your compassion and ability to stand up for what is right is admirable, and I can't help but be proud of you. I hope you never lose that part of yourself, because it is something that only makes you shine brighter.
"I think I can only say goodbye, wishing you all the luck you can have. I hope that you continue to display your stubbornness, your strength and your sagacity, and that you can continue growing to become the incredible and wonderful witch that I know you will be.
"A cordial greeting, with my best wishes,
"S. Snape"
ooo
May 2, 1998
It was her birthday.
Lily knew it, even without opening her eyes. It must have been very early, because the room remained dark, a sign that the sun had not risen yet.
And suddenly, a soft silver light made her open her eyes.
A Patronus watched her silently, waiting for her to wake up. She was a doe, ethereal and delicate, similar to her own Patronus, but not quite the same.
Lily recognized her instantly, unlocking a part of her memories that she thought she had forgotten. That was the doe that had saved her from the dementors.
Silently, with her heart pounding, Lily climbed out of bed and followed the Patronus to the attic, where the ghostly creature gently jumped before disappearing, leaving behind the figure of a man dressed in black.
He and Lily looked at each other in silence, barely moving, and after a few seconds, Lily felt tears filling her eyes. She hadn't seen him in months, and she couldn't believe how much she had missed him.
Unable to contain herself, she approached him and hugged him.
Severus wasn't expecting it, and he stood still, stunned and confused, until he noticed how Lily began to cry, and he instinctively put his arms around her.
He was invaded by a strange but pleasant sensation, and for once, he let his defenses down and allowed himself to enjoy that moment.
Lily sobbed against his shoulder, unable to contain herself. Her emotions were too confusing to put into words. She had hated him, she had disowned him, and yet, now that he was here, she could feel how much she had missed him and how much she needed him.
"I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I'm sorry for what I said."
"I'm sorry too. You were right, I should have told you the truth a long time ago."
Lily managed to calm down, but they both prolonged the hug. They knew they would never have such an opportunity again, and they did not want it to end.
But after a few minutes, Lily pulled away, wiping her face and sniffing.
"Why did you come?"
Severus shrugged.
"It's your birthday. Starting today you can do magic outside of school. I wanted to give you this, in person," he added, handing her a package and Lily recognized the wrapping paper, sober and elegant.
When she opened it, she saw a pocket watch. It looked old and used, and wasn't fancy or elegant, but it still worked. On one side she could read the words Prince, Snape and White in cursive letters.
"It belonged to my mother, it's one of the few things I keep from her," he confessed in a low voice.
He felt vulnerable, but that wasn't a bad thing. Too many years of hiding his emotions and feelings had made him forget the fragile warmth it felt to open up to another person.
"And this... belongs to you too," Severus handed her a small black box. Lily didn't have to open it to know that inside lay the emerald earrings that she had rejected months ago.
Overwhelmed, Lily felt tears welling up again, but this time he was the one who initiated the hug, holding her to his chest.
Lily... His daughter... His little fawn. Why hadn't he hugged her before? Why had he renounced that part of himself? Why had he waited until the last minute to tell her the truth?
Severus no longer wanted to deny it. He needed her. He needed her as much as she needed him, and he would never be ashamed of that feeling, nor of the tickling warmth he felt from having her close again.
They continued hugging each other in silence, unable to say anything. But they didn't need to, they were both so similar that they knew that a gesture was more eloquent than any statement or speech. Because there are things that can be said just in a hug.
They could have clung to each other for hours, but time was a luxury they didn't have.
Finally, fighting against himself, Severus pulled away from her to look at her face. Those dark eyes, so similar to his, but so different at the same time, looked back.
"I don't have much time, I must return to Hogwarts. I just wanted to see you..." he didn't dare say 'one last time', but his instinct told him that it would be that way. He couldn't deny the real reason for his visit: to say goodbye to her. To his Lily.
To his daughter.
"Let me go with you. I want to help you," she pleaded, but Severus shook his head.
"You are safe here."
"But I don't want to be safe"
"Lily..." it was the first time he called her by her name, but there was no point in using the old formalities, he would never renounce her again. "Something is going to happen. There may be a battle. Harry Potter and the Dark Lord will face each other. Don't ask how I know, but it's the truth. And I don't know what the outcome of that fight will be, but if Potter fails, if he isn't able to defeat the Dark Lord—" Lily opened her mouth to protest, but Severus interrupted her, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Your place is here, with the people you love. You are the only one who can protect them. Don't let them be hurt. I have surrounded the orphanage with protective spells, but they may disappear if something happens to me. You must raise your own shields, you must reinforce the security of the building. Remember what I have taught you."
"But–"
"And if the situation worsens, you must leave the country. I have written to the best potion-making institutions; with your grades and my references you will be welcome in many of them. Most of their headmasters have been trained by me, and they know that I do not make recommendations lightly."
"But–"
"Miss Anderson will receive a business card. It belongs to a wizard in charge of making fake passports. He never asks questions and never remembers a face. Use him."
"I–"
"Don't let your guard down, don't trust anyone, don't–"
"Dad!" the word blurted out from her lips, silencing him. His eyes looked at her with a gleam of emotion she had rarely seen in them.
Lily fought to stay strong and not break down again. Even though she wanted to protest and insist on being by his side, deep down she knew that he was right.
Only she could protect Susan and Miss Anderson.
"Everything is going to be fine. Don't worry about me," Lily smiled shyly, trying to show fortitude. "You taught me that I can fight from the ground, remember?"
"And you learned it very well."
Lily widened her smile, giving it a mocking air.
"I had a good teacher."
In the distance, a clock chimed eight times. Severus growled, he had to get back to Hogwarts before anyone noticed his absence. Lily bit her lip, also realizing that the visit was coming to an end.
They hugged each other in silence, for the last time. They both knew that this was goodbye, but neither wanted to appear weak.
Without saying anything, Severus took Lily's face in his hands and placed a soft kiss on her forehead, before taking a couple of steps back, still looking into her eyes.
And then he was gone, but some words floated through the darkness.
"I love you."
...
One way or another, Severus has always been with Lily on her birthday, and he has finally fulfilled his wish: giving her a gift in person and making her see that he cares about her.
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