Is it selfish to want someone to die…

Just so they can be with you?

Maybe so, but… can you blame me?

I was going to have a future. I was going to go to law school, become a lawyer, & make my parents look my way.

But that was altered when I met him.

He was rude, crass, careless despite our situation, & hell, he even got one of our team members killed.

I should've hated him. I should've killed him myself before that man did. I should've taken charge myself & left him behind, like he did Noah. I mean, it's a no-brainer, right? I am-was a CIT for God's sake!

But no. As much as I wish I thought I should've done all those things, I can't. I just can't. Because… despite being so insufferable, so annoying, & for indirectly killing someone, he cared.

He tried to act like he didn't, after Noah's body was discovered floating in the river, but I could just see how devastated he was when Cody started… screaming at him that Noah's death was his fault.

I saw the way his piercing blue eyes would widen in pure shock. The way he tried to keep stoic, but he couldn't keep his lip from trembling ever so slightly. The way he balled his fists & tried not to yell in frustration. I could feel the guilt arising within him.

As weird as this is to say, I found it… cute, endearing even. He really, really cared. He tried tirelessly to keep us all alive, constantly doing head counts with Eva to make sure everyone was together. Having us form a buddy system, (well, that was Beth's idea, but he was quick to agree, so it should count, right?) He was always hesitant on letting anyone else go on their own. He didn't want to lose anyone else. He truly cared.

He would even try to stay awake & keep watch, just so nobody would sneak up on us.

& he tried acting like he didn't care when Noah died. Funny, isn't it?

I wish I had bothered to stay awake with him, instead of sleeping on his lap, because before I knew it, I was being dragged in the rough ground by the Man himself. No matter how much I tried to fight, he found a way to stop me. He broke my leg, which of course, felt like pure hell, & began bashing my head with a rock.

Could someone be so savage? If I was going to die, I'd at least like to die with dignity, not with my brain (my BEST FEATURE, mind you!) being bashed into, & being hung like an inebriated ballerina with STAGE LIGHTS!?

I don't even like ballet. What a dick.

I don't know what hurt most, what that lunatic did to me, or how heartbroken Duncan was when he & Gwen found me.

The way he looked at me in disbelief. The way he called me by that stupidly endearing nickname, Princess. The way he begged for me to wake up. The way he clung to my body & wailed as Gwen begged for him to let go so they could leave. The way he started punching & kicking a tree in frustration, while the remaining survivors tried to calm him down.

I wanted to cry, & I was dead. Seeing him break down like that, after holding in all of his emotions for the 32 days we've been trapped here for.

I just wanted all that pain of his to go away, so he could be in my arms forever, wash his worries away forever, so he couldn't be trapped in this merciless, tormenting forest, fearing for his & everyone else's lives.

So is it really selfish of me to want him to die, clinging onto my body like a lifeline? If I just wanted all of his pain to go away?

Maybe so, but… it's only because I care.

Just like he does.