Watame Did Nothing Wrong
Giving the legend a pufferfish to eat that said legend very foolishly chooses to eat
Deconstructs and dismantles the robot to stop Terminator from becoming a reality
Confiscating the elite shrine maiden's bucket of lava before she burns the entire place down
Teaching the diva how to find her way by leaving her in the middle of nowhere with a map
Watame did nothing wrong
Changed the lock on the grandfather's treasure chest and hid said chest from her elsewhere
Secularizing the wolf goddess by engaging her followers in scholarly debates on theology
Lawfully taxes onigiri and personally collects said tax from the troublemaker's onigiri store
Had animal control remove the dog from the bakery and put her back in the doghouse
Watame did nothing wrong
Punishing the cheerleader with detention for bothering the other girls
Confining the patient whose split personality is an Eldritch Baby to Arkham Asylum
Attaching the floating pigtails so the girl can finally get a proper haircut
Watame did nothing wrong
Proves the marine maid is not a maid but merely a gamer
Accuses the dark magician of witchcraft in front of the unexpected Spanish Inquisition
Demonstrates that the Oni does talk to humans as if they are below her
Banishes the succubus nurse back to Hell for malpractice
Goes duck hunting for sport and to help put food on the table
Watame did nothing wrong
Sinks the pirate ship and makes sure its captain stays in Davy Jones' Locker—permanently
Finds the link in the ancestral heritage that proves the Half-Elf has Dark Elven blood
Degrades the knight for always choosing to only attack first instead of asking questions
Throws the war criminal in gaol, revokes her claim, and puts her mother back on the throne
Watame did nothing wrong
Ascends the devil to heaven in accordance with her followers' prayers, despite her protests
Casts the angel out of heaven for sadism and promoting violence as a solution
Leads Hansel and Gretel to the princess' Candy Kingdom, and scolds said spoiled princess
Tells the ringleader that the freak show's over and makes her run away to join the circus
Watame did nothing wrong
Says "No, my Dark," to Her Dark
Fires and arrests the executive officer for illegally hawking illegal wares on black markets
Dissolves the mad doctor's research and development department for safety violations
Strips the Edo Period's gokenin samurai of her honor and arrests her for insurance fraud
Promotes the intern even though she is a kid who is zero percent orca
Watame did nothing wrong
Burns the familiar's witch at the stake for stealing nuts from the village's trees
Hires the moon's niece to serve as her replacement in Area 15
Gives the alien princess a hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy so she can find her way home
Watame did nothing wrong
Puts the Keris back into its pedestal because the worthy only wield Excalibur or Mjolnir
Shoots the zombie in the head to stop her from eating brains and starting an apocalypse
Gives Thanksgiving dinner a pop quiz on Thanksgiving as she is being cooked and eaten
Watame did nothing wrong
Hires a competent candidate with actual skills who is applying to the Secret Archive Unit
Gets the blacksmith some help actually producing something that will actually turn a profit
Watame did nothing wrong
Tells Death to make his student get off her lazy ass and get to her appointment in Samarra
Shuts down KFP for trademark infringement, illegal union busting, and food poisoning
Clears shark infested waters to make sure the waters are safe for swimming and fishing
Hires a private true crime detective because a time traveler does not actually solve shit
Checks the priestess' sanity in Arkham Asylum after she loses her mind in Dunwich again
Watame did nothing wrong
Gives Paradise's embodiment of Despair false Hope from Sanctuary's Burning Hells
Leads the Greymarch so Jyggalag can restore order to stabilize the Chaos of Shivering Isles
Sets a prescribed burn—wildfires, plural—to maintain Nature's health
Perfectly points out all the flaws and imperfections caused by the Warden's illogic in Time
Watame did nothing wrong
Tells a much better story than the Archiver ever could and ever will
Mutes the Demon of Sound so Membersheep, Yukimin, and Hoomans can sleep in peace
Adopts a Demonic Guard Dog who actually knows how to make people beware of dog
Darkens the crystal's radiance so humanity can find forgiveness for the deadly sin of Greed
Watame did nothing wrong
Opens Pandora's Box in Solitude to keep Ulfric Stormcloak from escaping his execution
Plays music, sings, and dances to music that never crescendos
Runs a more successful business as the founder and CEO of Uber Sheep
Frugal with her money when visiting museums, archives, libraries, and historical societies
Masters all the jane-of-all-trades cannot to become the #1 Bardic Sheep in the universe
Watame did nothing wrong
Hunts the silver lioness, skins her for her pelt, and mounts her skull on a wall as a trophy
Court martials the silver lioness for insubordination, sentences her to summary execution
Prosecutes the silver lioness in the Hague for war crimes and breaking Geneva Conventions
Puts a muzzle over the silver lioness and throws her out in the cold where she belongs
Throws the silver lioness into the Elemental's oubliette in Leap Castle to be forgotten
Has the silver lioness excommunicated for being Anton LaVey's pet
Watame is legally, morally, and ethically right to do so and is not guilty on all counts
Goes on an adventure with the Guardian of Civilization to begin a new start with the party
Warms the Half-Snow Elf's heart by cuddling with her in front of the party's campfire
Checks the weather forecast to help the Rain Shaman be the sun to shine the party's days
Invites a girl from another world to become an idol and join the party
Timidly helps the party's sociopathic and psychopathic comet cover up her killing spree
Watame definitely did something right
For she is the Half-Snow Elf's soul sister, confidante, intimate bestie, and boon companion
Always walking side by side and hand in hand with the Half-Snow Elf on their journey
Never parting from the Half-Snow Elf's side or letting go of her
Since she and the Half-Snow Elf are that inseparable and always will be
Sharing in all the joys of her undying friendship with the Half-Snow Elf
While she and the Half-Snow Elf cuddle before their party's campfire in an Unylian pasture
As both the Half-Snow Elf's one true platonic love and her sister by full blood and bond
Which is why Watame did nothing wrong
Because she absolutely did something right
…
As usual, I present a special birthday poem for one of my favorite Vtubers in Hololive, Tsunomaki Watame. Also, again, I will not be reiterating why she is one of my favorites since the reasons I gave in Sheep, the first birthday poem I wrote for her, still apply.
This year, I decided to center the birthday poem to her around the theme of Watame's signature catchphrase, Watame wa warukunai yo ne, or as translated into English, Watame Did Nothing Wrong, hence its English translation being the title of this poem. To achieve this, I came up with a series of zingers to roast most of the other girls in Hololive, using the Virtual YouTuber Wiki to help find aspects I could base zingers on. I wrote each zinger in a way that makes it so that they were the ones who did something wrong and that by correcting each of their mistakes, Watame would not just be justified in saying she did nothing wrong, but right to say it. At first, I thought about mixing the zingers up so readers could guess which Hololive Vtuber each one was assigned to, but considering that it will likely be easy, perhaps too easy for some, I left each of them with their respective generations in each of Hololive's branches.
I started with Hololive Japan, then went through the girls of Hololive Indonesia before moving onto Hololive English and ending with ReGLOSS. After finishing each generation, I ended the sections by inserting Watame's signature catchphrase for said generation, and then rinsed and repeated. You will notice, though, that I included Shirakami Fubuki's zinger with those of Hololive GAMERS, and Omaru Polka's alongside those about Watame's gen-mates in HoloForce. In Fubuki's case, she is the founder and leader of GAMERS. Regarding Polka, I chose to put hers with HoloForce since I split NePoLaBo up for two reasons. First, the most scathingly insulting zingers are about Shishiro Botan specifically since she is the only Vtuber in Hololive I dislike. I dislike her since she torments Watame and Lamy, two of my top favorites, by trying to eat Watame and scare her and Lamy at their expense when playing horror games together. Second, Yukihana Lamy and Momosuzu Nene are two of top favorites, so as a huge fan of theirs, I could never make zingers about either of them and I certainly do not want to.
For that reason, I separated each of the other five Hololive Vtubers in my top favorites from their respective generations and provided them their own section closer to the end. This section was written to look like a party in a roleplaying setting, starting with Nanashi Mumei because it was fitting to begin the adventure with her. Lamy is the second girl I went with in this section, then Kobo Kanaeru, Momosuzu Nene, and Hoshimachi Suisei, in that order. Of the five, Lamy is also the only other member in Hololive who has the most dedicated stanzas like Botan. Lamy received more attention than the other party members because I personally believe she pairs much better with Watame than most of the other girls, especially Botan for the aforementioned reason. When giving Lamy her own dedicated section like I had done for Botan, I gave her a total of seven stanzas over the six Botan has. Lamy's section was designed to cancel Botan out, as well as to show why I feel she is the more superior match for Watame.
Concerning the other party members, I feel Mumei specifically would work very well with Watame if the Bardic Sheep were paired together with Lamy from the start. Kobo would come next, making it a four-girl party in which she can be a deuteragonist like Mumei or by herself if Mumei is a protagonist alongside Watame and Lamy, or one of the protagonists too. While Nene and Suisei can also be protagonists of this six-girl party, the two of them can also be deuteragonists or tritagonists. The party section and Lamy's dedicated section are the two most interesting parts of this poem in my opinion because they are written in such a way that they could become part of their own poem. Not a birthday poem, but a short epic about their shared adventure describing how they may meet and interact with one another as an all-girl party of six. In fact, a few of my ideas for Hololive fanfics do feature them as party members, although I am still in the process of making preparations for each of these ideas as they come.
Happy Birthday, Tsunomaki Watame! I wish you good cheer on this very special day and I thank you for being the first of Hololive's Vtubers to be my forever lead favorite! You have become my favorite singer not just in Hololive but among all the other bands I like and enjoy listening to, so I wrote this extra special poem to express my deep appreciation to you.
Disclaimer:
As implied above, this poem is meant to be satirical because it incorporates zingers as a fun way to roast most of Hololive's Vtubers. This was not done with any malice, and yes, I mean no offense to Shishiro Botan in particular even though I dislike her. I do not endorse any attacks against Hololive, physically or online, nor encourage any, since I am fully against it.
I do not own Tsunomaki Watame and the rest of Hololive Production; they are owned by COVER Corporation. I am not affiliated with Watame or anybody else in Hololive, I am not affiliated with Hololive Production or COVER Corporation either. Likewise, I am not a member of the Virtual YouTuber Wiki nor affiliated with anyone who manages the website.
Regarding the references seen throughout this poem:
I do not own the Terminator franchise. It is owned by StudioCanal and Vivendi.
I do not own GeoGuessr. It is owned by GeoGuessr AB.
I do not own the Cthulhu Mythos. It is owned by H.P. Lovecraft. Although, several of his works are now in the public domain and can be used freely.
I do not own Monty Python's Flying Circus. It is owned by Netflix.
I do not own the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. It is owned by the Walt Disney Company.
I do not own Hansel and Gretel. It is in the public domain.
I do not own the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It is owned by Disney.
I do not own Excalibur. It originates from Arthurian legend.
I do not own Mjolnir. It originates from Norse mythology.
I do not own Appointment in Samarra. It was written by John O'Hara and published by Harcourt Brace & Company which was acquired by Houghton Mifflin in 2007. The title of the work itself is a reference to W. Somerset Maugham's retelling of an ancient story from Mesopotamia in Maugham's last play, Sheppey.
I do not own FearSona. FearSona herself does.
I do not own Diablo. It is owned by Microsoft and Activision Blizzard.
I do not own the Elder Scrolls. It is owned by Microsoft, Zenimax, and Bethesda.
I do not own Pandora's Box. It originates from Greek mythology.