LISA
Eleven days have passed since I last set foot in Mom's house. I've run out of clothes, and I would also really like to see her. All we've done is exchange some brief text messages. But I'm a mommy's girl and I'm going to need my mother's blessing sooner rather than later. And I can't shack up in a hotel room with Jennie forever. Besides, Jennie's at work all day, putting in long hours to make up for the time she missed. Pre-production for my new show is still a few weeks away, and I already know the scripts I've been sent by heart. Truth is, I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone. Too many thoughts crowd my brain. Kai's voice won't leave my ear. "I'm no longer your brother," he said and that's not something I can easily shove aside. I can't pretend he didn't say it—that he doesn't hate me.
I let myself in because this is still where I live even though there's something awkward about it. It's late afternoon and I don't expect anyone to be home yet in my family of workaholics, which will hopefully give me some time to acclimatize. To just be at home on my own for a while, in familiar surroundings, before all hell breaks loose again.
"Hello," I shout, just to be sure.
"Hello," a male voice echoes mine. Panic seizes me for a moment at the prospect of another confrontation with Kai, but it's not his voice.
"Hey, Lisa," Nathan says.
I never thought I'd be this pleased to see him. This man I've taken for a gold digger at worst and a highly inappropriate choice of partner at best. I've done nothing but judge him from the start, from that first time Mom introduced him to me as though their relationship was the most run-of-the-mill you would ever encounter.
"Nathan. Hi."
"Glad you're back," Nathan says. "Will we be needing a bottle of tequila today or not?" He grins.
"Oh, god, Nathan. You and your damned tequila." His presence takes the sharpest edge off my discomfort. When I just let things be, and stop trying to fight the idea of him and my mom being wrong for each other, he's one of the easiest people to be around. Laid-back and always with a warm smile at the ready.
"Sure. Blame it all on me." We walk through the house together and naturally settle at the kitchen island. "Can I get you a beer or something else?" He's walking to the fridge already.
"I'm driving, so just some water, please." It's strange to have Nathan fetch me a drink in my own home.
He grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and hands it to me. "How are you coping? Are you okay?"
"I'm okay. How are things here?" I settle onto a stool. "How's Kai?"
"He's back at work so I guess that's good. They've got that big project in Washington. Kai's supposed to be in charge but Mary's not sure he's up to it now." Nathan pauses. "But none of this is for me to say, really."
"I wish there was a way I could make this better, but that's all it is: wishful thinking."
"As much as I'd love to be a fully signed up member of this family already, for various reasons, I'm often still more of a bystander which affords me a more objective view," Nathan says.
"I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel like you weren't a part of our family."
"I get it. It's easy enough to believe I'm some dude hustling your mom. That it took you some time to see that I'm anything but. That I simply adore her for who she is." He leans his elbows on the countertop. "My point is that, from where I'm sitting and as far as I can tell, this will not be the end of this family. You've been through worse. I'm not saying it's easy and that Kai's just going to wake up one day and decide to forgive you, but I spent some time with him and… he knows he's not blameless in this. He knows he let Jennie down. And when push comes to shove, he's just a good guy who loves his sister very much."
Tears sting in my eyes. Of all people, to have Nathan say this to me is unsettling, but of course he sees things. He's lived in this house for a while and he has eyes and ears. I may have chosen to ignore him as best I could, but that hasn't stopped him from picking up vibes about us.
"In my opinion, it's good that you came. You need to speak to each other. Kick-start… something," he says.
"How's Mom?"
"You know Mary. She's the strongest person I know. No doubt. But… you're her kids. Her soft spot. Of course, she's going to suffer when you and Kai are fighting."
"Is there any way I can make this easier on anyone?" I ask Nathan, as though he has all the answers.
"Talk to each other. Hash it out. Don't avoid the painful stuff because it's too difficult." He looks me in the eye. "As I said. It's good that you came home."
I take a few sips of water, hoping that it will stop the tears from escaping my eyes.
"How's Jennie holding up?" Nathan asks.
A drop spills down my cheek at the mention of Jennie. "Okay. She's back at work. Keeping busy. But there's a lot to sort out, of course."
"I bet." He sends me a warm smile. I do get why Mom couldn't resist him—and who am I to judge anyone for not being able to resist someone who, at first blush, might not be the best choice for them to be with?
"Just so you know," I say. "You are a fully signed up member of this family. I'm so happy Mom has you."
Nathan nods, then tips the bottle to his lips.
The front door opens, and my heart skips a beat. I hope it's Mom. I could do with a motherly hug before I face my brother. A few moments later, Kai bounds into the kitchen. His face is ashen, his cheeks hollow. He looks like he has aged about twenty years in the past few days.
"Is it just you?" he asks when he sees me. "No Jennie?"
"Just me," I reply.
His rigid posture slackens a fraction. "Thank fuck," he says on a sigh. "I can't bear to see Jennie right now." He inhales sharply. "Are you still… with her?" Kai asks, his voice trembling.
From the corner of my eye, I see Nathan slide silently out of the kitchen.
"Yes." I swallow hard.
"Is it really a thing?" Kai slumps onto a chair. "Like really serious?" He rubs his palms across his face before running his hands through his hair.
"It is."
"Fuck." He loosens his tie, undoes the top button of his shirt. "Deep down, I knew I was going to lose her, that I was no good for her anymore. I just never in a million years thought I'd lose my wife to my sister."
I can't tell him that's not really what happened, although it might appear that way.
"I'm sorry, Kai."
He shakes his head. "I'm sorry for saying that you were no longer my sister. You will always be my sister, Lisa. Always, no matter what. I made that promise to dad before he died. That I would never let anything get between us." Tears stream down his cheeks and he doesn't even bother hiding them. "I keep wondering what he would think of all this, but I don't know." He rubs a finger under his nose.
"I haven't made it very easy on you." My eyes are moist with tears as well.
"If it were easy…" he starts to say, but doesn't finish. "Jennie, she's…" He fishes a handkerchief out of his pocket and blows his nose. "You know she wants kids. I don't get why she's with you if she wants kids so badly. If that's the thing that drove us apart."
I don't know what to say to that. Kai and Jennie going through round after round of grueling fertility treatments put the thought of having kids on my radar, but I always figured I'd just be the fun aunt, not the mother.
"What Jennie's been through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy," Kai says. "She did that for us and I will always respect her for that. She deserves that and she's… she's a hard person to lose. I don't know what I'm going to do without her. Maybe it doesn't feel that way to her, but she's my rock. She's so strong and I—all I did was leave her to deal with the fallout on her own. If this is my punishment for abandoning her when she needed me most, then I'll take it. Then, maybe, it's my turn to be strong now."
"Kai, it's not punishment. Please, don't think of it that way."
"Maybe that's the only way I can think of it. The only way I can make it bearable for myself, by spinning it as some sort of logical cause and consequence."
But life is chaos, I want to say. There's no logic when your father dies when he's only forty-seven. There's no logic when all around you couples are having children, like there's nothing to it, while you have to go through one degrading procedure after another just for the smallest chance at getting pregnant. There's no logic and it's not fair. But who am I to deny my brother his reasoning? Who am I to deny him anything?
"Okay," I say. I wish I could give him a hug, but we're definitely not there yet. "Whatever you need."
"I'm going to D.C. for a few weeks to work with the local authorities on the Bernheim project."
"Oh."
"Can you tell Jennie I'd like to talk to her before I leave. Sort some stuff out."
"Sure."
"I can't handle seeing the two of you together. I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to."
"I get it."
"First, I need to find out how to put my life back together." He looks at me briefly, his gaze neither hard nor soft, then gets up and exits the room.
I leave the house without waiting for my mother to get home, because I can't stay yet and just hang out here, in my home, with Kai hurting upstairs. I guess that's my punishment.