::
What You Do In Between
::
He's gotta tell her.
That crazy Spanish one-woman wrecking ball doesn't pull her punches, and she seems to live to torment Rachel like a favorite pastime. She's gonna blab if he doesn't speak up first, he just knows it. His luck isn't that great and his track record for breaking Rachel's heart is even worse. So it's gotta happen and it's gotta be sooner rather than later before he loses the upper hand and any hope of saving his relationship with her... assuming he still can.
Six months. Almost six full months they've had together. Six months of falling, falling, falling so deep, deep, deep in love with this girl. Six months of happiness. He'd never known happiness like this. He'd never known how to love someone like this before Rachel. But he does now, so completely... and he's in too deep; there's no way back for him. He can't lose her now, he just CAN'T. Like, that's not even an option. And if she tries to walk away, he's prepared to fight to win her back, whatever it takes. He's not above groveling or begging. But if there's any hope in hell of keeping her, he KNOWS she has to hear this from him.
'Cause he's totally seen it from her side already. He remembers what it felt like when Rachel told him she'd done the deed with Jesse, and also what it felt like when she confessed to lying about it later. He knows that if it was Rachel who lied to him in this way, he'd be pretty crushed. If she'd said she hadn't when she had and then hidden it for months into their relationship, he'd be really hurt, and like, maybe even uncontrollably pissed – at least for a little while. But he knows it'd be a hundred times worse if he heard something like that from St Jerkoff instead of his beautiful sweet girl. After the shit that went down with Quinn, Rachel not telling him the truth about something like that would probably devastate their relationship and kill his trust in her. So why should he expect her to feel any different about him not offering full disclosure?
If only he'd come clean when Rachel did. He had the perfect opening and didn't take it, now he's kicking himself. She was HONEST about her lie; that is, she had already confessed her sins to him. Of course, the difference between her lie and his is the difference between forgetting you bought a lotto ticket that turns out to be a jackpot winner and forgetting to unplug the George Foreman grill and burning the house down.
Why the fuck did Santana have to pull this bullshit powerplay with him again now anyway? Or at all? This doesn't even make sense to him and he cannot get his head around WHY NOW. Then again, he didn't have a very good grip on WHY THEN last year either, why she even approached him in the first place.
After all, he's known the girl for more than half his life and he's never been terribly close with her. Once she joined the damn cheer squad it was like demons possessed her soul, like a real-life exorcist kind of thing, so he found it best to simply practice avoidance after that. Or at a minimum, tread very gently. He's still not sure how Puck handles her the way he does, but then again, Puck is sort of the male version of Santana, only less cruel (in some ways... well, okay maybe that's a stretch too).
But seriously, Santana Lopez is a popular hot chick. She could have her pick of any number of dudes in the school (and as far as he's aware, she'd already run through the majority of the roster, collecting v-cards for sport the past few years), so why the hell go after him again? She sees him with Rachel all the damn time, she KNOWS he loves her – or well, he thought she knew. Clearly, the girl has boundary issues – and maybe some new hidden agenda that he honestly doesn't want any part of.
And Rachel. What the hell is he going to tell her? How can he ever find the words to explain this and not lose her? The timing is probably the thing that's got him backed against the wall worse than anything else. His stupid procrastinating self somehow believed in the whole 'sweep it under the rug' method of handling the matter seemed like a good idea for a while anyway, and well, THAT sure as hell didn't work. He was already feeling guilty as hell and knew he'd have to tell her eventually, but he waited too long. Now it's gonna bite him in the ass.
He's so so SO fucked. (Okay that's a super bad pun there and oh god, for once he thinks he gets the Shakespearean irony of it all...)
. . . . .
The wedding was three days ago. They've only had one glee practice since then, and he frankly doesn't wanna wait and give Santana too many more opportunities to burn his life down like a George Foreman grill. He decides tonight has to be the night.
He and Rachel had made plans for homework at her house after school. His mom and Burt are still on their honeymoon (a shorter, less expensive trip to the Poconos in place of the pricey Hawaiin paradise getaway they'd originally planned, thanks to Kurt's transfer to Dalton). They're not due home til tomorrow and her dads are working late in Columbus, so they'll have the house to themselves all night.
He's not any too happy to have to forego what would likely have been a super hot night of making out with his super hot girlfriend to have this conversation instead – especially since once the cat is out of the bag there may not be any more hot makeout sessions in his future for a very long time. God, he hopes he's wrong about that.
So she finishes her work first (as usual) and starts encouraging him to get done sooner so they can proceed to the making out part of the evening... but as he reviews the unconjugated words on the newest vocabulary list, he decides to hell with it, it's time. He's pretty sure Mr Schue'll give him a pass on that stupid Spanish assignment due to an emergency like this. If nothing else, he can probably trade his broken heart for sympathy points with his mentor.
She's sitting next to him on the edge of the bed offering to help with whatever he's working on in an effort to expedite things when he shoves all the schoolwork to the side then pulls her into his lap and kisses her deeply.
After a few long beats of scorching kisses, she starts giggling wildly and squirming in protest (which isn't helping him out very much in the missing out on the making out stuff). "Finn! You know the rules, complete your work first! Not that I don't mind offering a little preview of coming attractions as an incentive..."
He smiles at her nervously, taking in every precious line and curve of her expression. She's so damn beautiful and he loves her so damn much, but this needs to be done. He shakes his head. "No Rach, I'm not worried about homework right this minute. There's uh, there's something else I gotta..." He swallows hard and licks his lips trying to buy a few more seconds and find a way to get started.
"Baby, I... I need to tell you something. And it's something, well, it's not what I wanna be telling you. See, I messed up pretty bad, something I'm not proud of, something I think is gonna upset you a lot." He watched the smile fall away from her pretty face and felt his heartbeat pick up the pace in his chest. He doubles his hold around her waist and studies her eyes, those big beautiful eyes that are starting to dart around with fear as each nanosecond ticks off the night. "Rach, you know how much I love you, right?"
"Yes, but Finn, what's wrong? What are you talking about?"
"Baby please, I need to know that you know how much you mean to me. You totally get that, don't you? That I like, need you to breathe and stuff? That I love you so much that I don't know how to live without you anymore? You know that right?"
She smiles almost patronizingly at him and taps his chin. "Honey, you're being very dramatic right now – and this is coming from ME." She giggles a little uncertainly, but when she sees the desperation in his eyes, she knows something serious is bothering him. She raises a palm to his cheek. "Hey, of course I do Finn, I know how much you love me. And I love you just as much. So you can tell me anything... and um, whatever it is, I-I'm sure we can fix it. Whatever it is, certainly it cannot be as bad as you think. So just, take a breath and talk to me."
He took both her hands in his and gripped them like a lifeline, hoping she could feel his genuine remorse and guilt, hoping somehow the fallout wouldn't be as bad as he thought it would – but he totally knew better. She only just pointed out her own penchant for the dramatic while consoling him – not like he needed another reminder.
"Okay. But Rach, it's gonna sound so bad, and I just... I can't lose you. You have to know I never want to hurt you and I'm afraid when you hear this... just, please know that I KNOW how stupid I was, and you have to know how sorry I am and–"
There – that look of panic that just hit her eyes. THAT is what he never wanted to see. Dammit, his goose is cooked.
He can feel her body stiffening against him, can see the tension building in her jaw and shoulders. She's preparing herself for the worst now and he just can't stand that he has to be the one tossing this metaphorical slushy in her face. "Finn, just please tell me. What did you do?"
"Um. Well... Wh-what's the worst thing I could ever do to you, Rach?"
"What? What are you–"
"What's the one thing that would hurt you more than anything?"
Confusion and shock wash over her features and a slight glaze starts to coat her eyes. "Y-you're not breaking up with me..?"
"NO! No no no, I'm so OPPOSITE of breaking up with you! I.. okay. So, that's the very worst thing I could do, is that what you're saying?"
"I mean yes, I'd say that would destroy me at this point. But to be clear... you're not, right?"
"NEVER, absolutely not, no. . . So, what's the second worst thing I could do?
Her jaw dropped and the color drained from her face. "Are you trying to tell me you cheated on me?"
Okay now here's where the conversation is caught on a technicality... NO, they were NOT dating at the time; she was with Jesse. He may have loved her, and she may have even loved him too, but they were not together. He has to keep reminding himself of this fact...it's kind of the only leg he has to stand on at the moment. "Rach in a million years I swear I'd never ever cheat on you. I love you too much to do something stupid like that to hurt you. And other girls don't compare to you anyway, so it's not like I'd ever want to."
She smiled a little, but it didn't quite reach her eyes, and he knew, he just knew that panic was still in there, eating away at her beautiful peace of mind and happiness... and he still had to get the poison out of his system.
"I'd never cheat on you either, Finn. Or break up with you for that matter." Before he could speak again she continued. "Something tells me you're about to ask me what the next worst thing you could do to me is, so before you ask, I'll answer. Lying would probably be pretty high on the list – but you've never lied to me about anything; well, not since that sham bowling date last year when Quinn was pregnant–"
"Rach, I promise you, that date was real. I mean I know I left out stuff, like important stuff, but I genuinely wanted to be there with you. And I told you before, that kiss was real. I know you think that because I didn't tell you everything up front it means it was all fake, but I swear it wasn't."
"Okay Finn. Maybe the date and the kiss were real; the pretenses, however, were quite questionable and somewhat inappropriate. Regardless, that's all water under the bridge and you haven't lied since then, not since we've been a couple. Have you?"
Oh hell.
See this, this is what happens when you find the most perfect, most incredible INTELLIGENT girl in school and somehow dumb-luck your way into making her fall in love with you.
"Well... not since we've been a couple, no, but there IS something I shhhould have told you about before, something I wasn't honest about from last year before we WERE a couple. And I wish I could go back in time and kick my own ass for not being honest back then, and I wish I could go even further back and undo it altogether. In fact, I wish I could go even further back still and never have broken up with you the first time and–"
She's shaking her head now. "STOP. Finn, okay just stop, you're... you're having a meltdown and I still don't know what you're talking about. But you've brought up last year more than once now. So you lied about something from last year that's going to upset me now, even though we weren't a couple then?"
Dammit, she's too smart for his own good. "Yeah."
"Okay. Well, last year, when you and I were not a couple, before that, you were dating Quinn and after that, I was dating Jesse...I mean what could you have possibly..." she trailed off and sat in silence for a long while. As she took a mental inventory of things that had happened last year, he started to notice the expression on her face switching gears from confused concentration to something much more sad and troubled. Her brow crumpled as if in pain and she sighed quietly. "Finn... just say it."
He took a deep breath, locked eyes with her and just let it rip.
"When you lied about Jesse, I also lied about Santana."
He watched her take a long deep breath – and Rachel has like, nearly inhuman lung capacity so it was a really big breath – then it didn't look like she was ever going to exhale. When she finally did, she sort of swayed a little, probably dizzy from the shock. He squeezed her hands tighter, hoping to feel her squeeze back. She didn't but he guessed he should just be grateful she hadn't pulled them away yet either. She was also still sitting in his lap and hadn't yet made a move to get away from him. He hoped that was a good sign.
Now she was closing her eyes as if bracing for impact. "Say it, Finn. Say the whole thing. Tell me what you did wrong that's going to hurt me so much. I need to hear you say it exactly."
"Last year... Last year when you were saying you were planning to sleep with Jesse, well, I... I went a little crazy I think. So yes, I went to the motel with Santana, but I didn't change my mind like I told you I did. I did have sex with her. And it was horrible and I regretted every bit of it, even DURING. I regretted the moment she touched me, I regretted the moment I was in that bed with her, but all I could see was his hands touching you, and him in your bed and you touching him back, and I-I-I just... I messed up, Rach.
"Like, the whole thing was a mistake and a horrible experience, but I messed up so much more than just letting her take my virginity; yeah, I messed up by going there at all in the first place, but then even worse, by not telling you the truth about it. I shouldn't have lied to you. And then once we were together, I definitely should have told you when you came clean about not sleeping with him and I'm so fucking sorry, baby. You have to believe how sorry I am. You mean everything to me, and I've been so afraid how this would hurt you or that I'd lose you over it and–"
She caught his lips with hers just then to shut off his rambling. She brought her hands up to his face, caressed his cheeks and slid her fingers into his hair and kissed him with everything she had. When the kiss finally broke he was breathless and dazed.
After a beat and once the stars cleared from his Rachel-filled eyes, he looked at her intensely. "Wow... Rach... Does, does that mean you're not mad at–"
She cut him off again, this time with the sting of an open palm slap across his left cheek. "Oh no, I'm not mad. I'm fucking furious. I'm incredibly pissed off because you did something so impulsive, so completely irresponsible, and exercised such poor judgment when I KNOW you're so much better than that." Whoa... TWO curses including an F-bomb – this is a whole new scary Rachel (and he can't lie, her cussing is kinda hot). But then he noticed the tears welling in her eyes and felt like a total douche. Yeah, this is maybe even worse than he thought it would be, and she wasn't done raking him over the coals – in fact, she's probably just getting started.
"And I'm doubly enraged that you would keep this information from me for this length of time. We're supposed to tell each other EVERYTHING, Finn! Total honesty," she paused and rubbed the burn out of her own red right palm. "But... then again, I lied to you too. Maybe if I had just listened to my heart in the first place, this wouldn't have happened."
"What do you mean, listened to your heart?"
"I... I think part of me knew deep down I couldn't have sex with Jesse. I knew it back then. I wasn't ready. But he'd sort of pressured me, then apologized, but I'd talked to the girls and most of them made it seem like no big deal so I thought maybe I was just being childish about it. I thought maybe if I acted as if it were no big deal, then it wouldn't be... but I was wrong."
He rubbed a hand down her arm and whispered "Yeah, I think I know exactly what you mean. I think I went into it with the same ideas and... well, I told you, I'm too stupid to know when I'm gonna screw everything up sometimes."
"Finn, you are NOT stupid. You did something incredibly stupid, but that does not make YOU stupid. And... I guess I understand why you followed through, although I don't understand why you lied to me about it in the first place?"
"Because it was the worst thing I'd ever done and I was ashamed. And it didn't feel good at all. I didn't feel any better about you and me not being together – in fact I felt worse. The next day, I felt even crappier still when I realized who I'd done it with and how she was probably gonna lord it over me forever. I was embarrassed and I just wanted to forget what an idiot I'd been. And then when I talked to you and you said you DID do it, you seemed so happy or like, so okay with your experience, so I just figured I'd try to forget it ever happened to me. I didn't want you to know."
"Oh, Finn. I'm... I'm so sorry. I think we both messed up."
"You're sorry? For what? You aren't the dope who threw away something special on someone so NOT special. You stopped yourself from making that mistake."
Her eyes flashed surprise at his words and she reached a hand to his cheek. "Listen, I understand, okay? You made a mistake, but... but we both did. Yes, if nothing else, you should have spoken up when I told you my truth, but putting that detail aside, you forgave me immediately. You said you understood why I lied. And now, I-I understand why you did too."
"But Rachel, your lie was, uh... I mean even I am smart enough to know your lie was GOOD compared to mine... so, I don't think it's the same–"
"It's still a lie, Finn. A lie is a lie. I was dishonest with you. It doesn't much matter the context; it's the principle of the matter. I - I've never lied to you about anything else except that. Well, that and how I tried to deny how much I still cared for you back then, even while I was with Jesse. But you had hurt me deeply by rejecting me. So I guess I wasn't ready to open my heart back up to you yet, to trust you again."
"I get that, and I guess that's fair. But... Do you think you can trust me now?"
"I don't think so, I know I do. I do trust you, Finn. Do you know why?"
"Honestly no, I don't. I wouldn't trust me if I were you."
She rubbed a hand over his large one in her lap. "Because you were honest with me now. And I know telling me this wasn't easy, it couldn't have been. It clearly wasn't, based on how much you panicked. Plus I can tell you're genuinely remorseful about it. You could've kept this secret forever and I might not have ever found out the truth, but you did tell me, and that means something."
A hint of a smile curled the edges of his lips. "Yeah? It's the hardest thing I've ever done – well, second hardest."
"What was the first?"
"Fighting my feelings about you in the beginning. Like, from the time of our first kiss, I knew it was gonna be you, Rach. I knew I was supposed to be with you. You were already in my heart by then, but once Quinn told me about the baby... you don't know how many tears I cried."
"Well, that's understandable. You thought you were going to be a father at sixteen."
"No.. well yeah, maybe a few tears were for that, but I meant the tears I cried over not being able to be with you."
"What?"
He leaned his forehead against hers and cupped her cheek. "Rachel, I've loved you for so long, I don't even know when it started. I can't remember ever NOT loving you. Okay, maybe I wasn't sure what those feelings were in the beginning or what they meant, but now I know what it was. And I know I've loved you all along."
Tears dripped from her cheek down to wet his shirt. "I love you too, Finn. Since the beginning. I was a little scared too at first, you know."
"You were? Why?"
"Well, I was more afraid of you not ever figuring it out, and then I'd be stuck with all these feelings and no way to cope with them."
"Is that why you dated Jesse?"
"Maybe, in part. I'm sure that had something to do with it. But Jesse, he was the only other boy to pay attention to the real me, to seem to understand me and still like me for who I was, the way only you seemed able to do. Only, he didn't have your kindness or your warmth. He certainly didn't make me feel like I was part of something special. In short, he just wasn't you."
"Well, Santana sure as hell wasn't you either. I shouldn't have ever listened to her. I can be so stupid sometimes."
"How many times must I tell you NOT to say that about yourself?"
"Hmm, maybe til I stop proving how stupid I am?"
"YOU ARE NOT! Finn, you... you just see the goodness and kindness in people. You want to believe the best in them most of the time. So... whatever Santana said or did, I'm sure it played to those aspects of your personality. . . Finn? What did she say that made you sleep with her? I mean, you weren't even dating her, right?"
Crap. "No, we definitely were NOT and never had been dating. She um. She made it sound like a good distraction for both of us. She was feuding with Quinn about the Cheerios and said she could be back on top because of me, and also it would make you jealous, and it would make me feel better about you and Jesse. Turned out she was so wrong about all of it."
Rachel thought for a moment, remembering that day when she found out about his intended date with Santana, the same night as she was supposed to be with Jesse. It was during their week-long Madonna tribute, the same day they'd sung their mash-up together. Part of her was hoping Finn would have kissed her at the end of that song, that he would fight for her, that he would prove himself to her somehow... but apparently, he was content to listen to her lying self and respected her wishes for him to back off and remain friends.
She remembers vividly how he'd looked at her when she'd confessed that she was still dating Jesse. She knows it hurt him to find out, but a small part of her was feeling a little satisfied, a little superior that she might have the power to hurt him. After all, he'd pretty much flattened her heart when he'd said he didn't want to be her boyfriend in the aftermath of babygate, despite all the signals he'd given to the contrary up to that point.
Then after all the time she'd spent nursing his wounds and helping him feel all whole and loved, he walked away from her to go on a date with both Brittany AND Santana and it hurt like hell when she'd learned about it (she even sang him a song telling him that's where he could go). So yes, it felt a little nice to play the role of the heartbreaker, at least for a moment.
Now hearing that Santana had dug her fangs into him and manipulated him a second time makes her seethe a little bit. What was it with girls like Quinn and Santana? They seem to only ever use their powers for evil, luring trusting and naïve souls like Finn into their web of wickedness – never mind the damage they might be leaving in their wake. Where's their own self-respect and dignity? Can't they see how sordid and reproachable their behavior was and what a dark cloud it casts over them and anyone caught in their lexicon of lust?
"Well, she was right about the jealousy at least. When I overheard her talking to Britt in the girls' bathroom about how you agreed to go out with her, I was sick with jealousy and regret. I very nearly approached you to question you about it, but then I got a text from Jesse and realized it wasn't my place."
"I wish you had Rach. Maybe if you had, maybe we both could've saved ourselves some heartache and regret."
"Or maybe you would've told me to mind my own business since I was dating Jesse at the time... But really, it doesn't do us any good to wax poetic on things we did or didn't do in the past. It happened. It's woven into the tapestries of our history now and we can't change that."
His eyes searched hers hopefully. "So... where does that leave us now?"
She looked up into his eyes and saw nothing but love and hope reflected back to her. She pressed her lips to his in a soft kiss and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders. "It leaves us right here, Finn. I love you."
"I love you too, Rach, so so much. Thanks for... for not crucifying me."
She giggled. "Well, I wouldn't say I'm completely over it already, but I know that I will be. I'm also not about to let Santana Lopez come between us or take away something special from us. So right now, I just... I need you to know how much you mean to me."
She returned her lips to his and kissed him with fervor as he reciprocated. His hands started to slide up and down her back, and she moved to straddle his hips. Soon his hands found their way under her shirt, caressing the soft skin of her torso. She pulled back from the kiss just long enough to pull off her shirt, leaving him with his jaw in his lap.
"Finn, make love to me."
"Wh-what? Um, y-you mean NOW? But Rach we..."
"Don't you want me?"
"Oh my god, Rachel, you have no idea how bad I want you... just, we just had this like, really deep kinda messed up talk and–"
"And we decided that we are the most important people to one another. We love each other deeply, and I do trust you, Finn. Isn't that the RIGHT reason to want to make love?"
He nodded because, yeah, this IS what it was supposed to feel like. "You're sure you're ready though? 'Cause baby, you don't need to prove anything to me, I don't need us to have sex to know how you feel."
"I'm very sure. I've been ready, I was just waiting for you, and for the right opportunity."
From that point forward there was no more discussion, only action. They peeled each other's clothes off and spent the next twenty minutes fumbling around slightly awkwardly. There was a lot of blushing and trembling, but when he finally got the condom on (after the third try) and pushed into her, they both knew this was how their first time together was meant to be. And it was glorious.
Laying in each other's arms afterward, he kissed her soundly. "You're amazing, Rachel Berry. I want us to be like this forever."
She giggled and pressed kisses into his neck and said "Well, I think we'll probably improve with time, but this was an amazing start. I want us to be forever too."
He was so relieved, laying there with Rachel wrapped in his arms pressed tightly against his chest. All that worry and guilt he carried for nearly a year was finally gone and it felt incredible, like a million-pound boulder was lifted off his shoulders.
She rolled to her side and he rolled with her, acting as the big spoon curled against her little one. He was just starting to close his eyes in total contentment with the smell of her delicious strawberry fragrance filling him when she asked one last question.
"Finn? I'm just curious. This confession of yours, while I do appreciate it, it seemed a little out of the blue. What made you decide to tell me this today?"
His eyes flew open as all the memories of three days ago in the church dressing room flooded back. After everything they just talked about and how well she seemed to handle it, he knew he could trust her to hear the whole truth, hopefully without any insecurities. "Well... I was always going to tell you eventually anyway, but y'know, mom's wedding was just a few days ago..."
"Oh, well that makes sense. If you were thinking about our future and wanting to come clean so we could move forward without any hindrances, weddings tend to do that to people, to bring out the romance."
"Um. Yeah, they do I guess... But there was something else besides that. I guess I knew I needed to tell you now because um... I didn't want you to hear it from anyone but me."
"What do you mean?"
"That day at the church, you remember you came into my dressing room and saw Santana leaving? Well, she, she was uh... she was trying to get me to dump you and be with her."
Rachel froze and Finn knew immediately something was wrong. "Rach, I told her to leave us alone. I told her I loved you more than anything and I was NEVER gonna do that. But she just kept pushing and she sorta threatened to tell you herself."
Rachel sat up and stared ahead at the wall. "So... let me understand. You only told me because you were under duress, because she threatened to expose your secret. You didn't tell me because you respected me or loved me enough to be honest, but to save your own skin from... from some kind of humiliation? From being caught in a lie?"
"Rachel NO, I did tell you because I love you, and you know I respect you – you HAVE to know that!"
"I... oh god. I just don't know how to feel right now, Finn! I.. I think it would be best if you went home now. I need some time to think." She peeled away from him wrapped in the floral sheets from her bed and locked herself in her bathroom.
He jumped up and pulled on his boxers, then knocked softly on the bathroom door. "Rach? Rachel please come out and talk to me. I'm sorry Rach, you gotta know I would have told you, hell I wanted to tell you sooner I just... I didn't know how."
Despite his repeated pleas, he was met with silence as she refused to answer him or come out to face him. He knew her dads would be home soon and finally accepted that maybe she just needed time to cool off. He finished dressing himself, collected his things, and headed home reluctantly, but not before telling her again how much he loved her and how sorry he was.
For the remainder of the evening, he was unsettled. Tormented even. Just when he thought the weight of the world had lifted and there was nothing standing in their way, he still somehow managed to cock it up. Or maybe Santana did, he couldn't really be sure since Rachel was still not speaking to him.
He tried to call and got her voicemail. He sent three texts but all went unanswered. Now lying in his bed, he realizes the uneasy feelings he'd had from before his confession had returned. How could this be happening? They finally made LOVE for Chrissake! She can't shut him out like this forever. He decided he wasn't gonna let her, but he was gonna give her a little more time, and hopefully, by tomorrow, cooler heads would prevail.
But they didn't. In fact, the rest of the week went along with Rachel avoiding Finn to the point where he became panic-stricken. He was becoming a total nightmare to be around. Puck, Mike, and Sam all learned the hard way to keep their distance from him in the locker room. He snapped at Artie in the lunchroom and ignored Mercedes and Britt altogether.
The breaking point came when his mom noticed his change in demeanor immediately at breakfast on day two of Rachel's cold shoulder routine.
"Finn, what's going on honey? You haven't touched your toast and your eggs are getting cold. It's very unlike you to let that happen. You feeling alright?"
"No. I'm not hungry," he muttered as he pushed the plate away and made to stand up.
"Hey, sweetie what's wrong? Are you coming down with something?" she attempted to feel his forehead but he ducked her slightly and she noticed the beginning of tears filling his eyes. "Hey, sweetheart, did something happen? You can talk to me, you know."
He sighed exaggeratedly. "It's been like almost three days mom, she won't talk to me. I screwed up and I thought we were okay and then we weren't and now she just won't even talk to me!" he rattled off in a rapid-fire frustrated tone.
"Who, Rachel? Did you two have a fight?"
"Yeah Rachel, and well, I don't know if it's a fight as much as a... hell I don't know! She just won't talk to me!"
"Honey I'd love to try and give some advice or help if I can, but you've gotta give me more to go on. You said you messed up, what happened?"
He rolled his eyes and hung his head in shame. It's true, he'd always shared everything with his mom. She was always his best friend and confidant – but that was before Rachel. Still, he needed to get this off his chest and she's usually pretty good with the advice, so he went for it. He unloaded the entire story from sophomore year through Monday afternoon at Rachel's house (omitting, of course, the part where he took Rachel's virginity).
Carole sighed heavily and looked at her son with sympathy. "Oh, Finn. Well, I suppose I can understand a little bit why Rachel is upset, but it does seem excessive for her to be avoiding you without discussion for this length of time."
"How'm I gonna fix anything when I can't even get her to speak to me?"
"Well, perhaps if she won't speak, she'll still listen?"
"She won't even pick up the phone though."
"The phone isn't the only mode of communication now, is it?"
Finn thought over his mother's words and realized she was right. He could go to her house. Even if she had him locked out and refused to answer the door, he could either climb the tree to her window, or he could use the spare key in the flower bed to just barge in. Dammit, she needs to talk to him.
But then he thought about what would happen if he forced himself into her personal space right now, and how much madder she might be if he invaded her privacy like that. She might just break up with him for pulling a stunt like that. So instead, he decided that if she didn't speak to him by tomorrow, he would sing to her in Glee.
He spent the rest of the night searching for a song that says 'I'm sorry I slept with someone else and lied about it then hid the truth for months and then only told you when I was gonna get caught.' Actually he's pretty sure there ISN'T a song like that in existence and he was probably gonna have to knuckle down and write it himself.
While he was busy in his room hunting fruitlessly for a song, Carole was busy on a mission of her own. She hesitated a moment before pushing CALL on her phone but assured herself that a mother's advice was warranted in this situation.
"Hello?"
"Hello Rachel, it's Finn's mom, Carole."
"Oh, hello Mrs Huds – I mean Hummel, um. Finn isn't here if that's why you're calling."
"Sweetheart, please, call me Carole. And I'm well aware of Finn's whereabouts. He's in the same place he's been for the past few nights; holed up in his room in misery."
"Oh."
"Rachel, honey Finn told me about your... fight? I'm not sure if that's what you're calling it, but let's say your disagreement, and how upset you are about this situation with Santana."
Carole heard the younger girl gasp on the other end of the phone, "He told you?"
"Yes, he did. You know, Finn and I are quite close – well, we used to be anyway. He would always tell me anything and everything. But that seemed to change a little once he met you. Not that he was being secretive with me, just that I could tell he'd found a new best friend and confidant. I think he's really feeling your absence right now, and it made me think that you're probably feeling his, too. How are you doing, sweetie?"
"I'm fine. I'm... I'm quite busy with school work and finding the perfect song for regionals and... Okay I'm a total MESS. I miss him so much it hurts inside, like physically hurts! But I'm so upset with him right now and I don't know what to do about it! I'm not even sure it's him I'm upset with anymore."
"Oh? So you've spent some time sorting out your feelings?"
"That's all I do Mrs– Carole. I haven't been sleeping well. I can't concentrate in school. It's eating me alive, really."
"So if it's not him you're upset with, then who?"
"Well, partly myself. He may have done some irresponsible things and lied about it, but he only did them because I lied to him first. And also, Santana. I don't think Finn understands just how much that girl hurts my feelings sometimes. I know I'm quite the actress, and I typically put on a brave face, but inside, it just really hurts. And to know she was this determined to break us up, well. I just don't know what to do with those feelings. I want to scream at him for his poor choices and for not telling me the truth about everything from the start, but that's not fair to him. Not after everything we talked about. It's just, this thing with Santana is really having this effect on me, and I'm afraid I'm going to take it all out on Finn and so... I guess I've been avoiding him until I can figure out what to do."
"Wow. Well, have you tried to speak to Santana? Maybe tell her how you feel? Find out why she's suddenly so interested in a boy who so clearly is not interested in her?"
"No, I thought it best I keep my distance from her too. Although Finn and I have not broken up, we also haven't been speaking or even sitting near each other in glee. And I think she's noticed it, but I hate to give her any more fuel for the snide comments she usually throws at me."
"I think maybe if you address your concerns with her, clear the air, or at least try, you might find it helpful. I can appreciate why you're avoiding Finn, even if he can't right now. He misses you so much dear. I think you might just be the one for him you know, his forever girl. So I hate to see you both hurting like this."
Rachel couldn't help her tears at hearing Carole's words. "Really? You think he loves me that much?"
"Oh sweetheart, I know he does. He only says it all the time, but it's more than that; I see the way the two of you are when you're together. And you're so good for him honey. I couldn't be happier that you found him and have done so much to help him grow up into the fine man I'm seeing him become."
Rachel choked on a sob. "I just love him so much... and I certainly don't want to be the cause of his pain."
"I know honey, but every relationship has its ups and downs. It's what you do in between sometimes that matters the most."
"You're right. I know you're right. I've been acting like a scared little girl and that stops now. I'm going to try to deal with my issues with Santana. And I promise, Carole, I will be speaking to Finn soon. Please take care of him for me in the meantime?"
Carole smiled, her heart warmed at the concern in Rachel's voice. "I always do, sweetie. Just know that I'm here for you too, if you ever need someone to talk to."
"Thank you, that means so much to me. I really appreciate it."
As the two women said their goodbyes, Carole heard the faint banging of Finn's drums through his soundproof bedroom walls. She decided she wouldn't mention her conversation with Rachel to him. Hopefully, Rachel would resolve her feelings and things would sort themselves out in the next day or two.
. . . . .
Mr Schue was trying hard to get his disconnected group of gleeks to focus and discuss the game plan for regionals. As he began talking about solos, Rachel was unsurprisingly disheartened to learn that she wasn't going to get one for this competition, and even more distraught when he suggested Quinn and Sam would take the duet. Before she could object further, Santana began to comment on her irritation with Rachel always wanting the spotlight. Finn tried to defend her but that's when Santana turned her full venom on the pair of them.
"Shut it Frankenteen. You know I was worth your time last year in that hotel. You know Hobbit, he really is pretty awful in the sack. Maybe instead of chasing down solos and criticizing all of us, you should be off teaching him some skills in the bedroom. Oh wait, you probably suck at that too. Is that why you two are sitting on opposite sides of the room now?"
Finn shot up from his seat and was about to lay into Santana when Rachel stood at the same time, holding a hand up to Finn stopping him in his tracks.
The tiny brunette focused her narrow eyes on Santana and spoke clearly. "You really shouldn't speak about things you know nothing about, Santana. And by the way, you're too late. I'm fully informed of your sexcapades at a cheap motel, and the abysmal time Finn had with you there. So, while your appraisal of his performance might be rather poor, it comes as no surprise to me, considering his feedback was the same about yours."
Santana sat dumbfounded for a moment. It was a rare thing for anyone to render the Latina speechless. That was, until her anger kicked in. "Hold up. You mean to say the Pillsbury Dough Boy over there thinks I'M bad in bed?!"
"Yes. But Santana, you shouldn't take it the wrong way; it would have never been anything other than terrible because he doesn't love you. He didn't then, and he doesn't now, and he never will. So you need to just leave us alone and accept the fact that you can throw yourself at him like a cheap suit all you want but he will never be yours."
Finn stood in awe of his tiny firecracker taking the reins. He couldn't stop the ear-to-ear grin from spreading across his face either. She was defending him, defending THEM, and he knew now everything was going to be okay.
Santana on the other had risen from her seat in the back row risers to step down and stand before Rachel, arms folded and eyes full of daggers. "Love? You think I give a crap about love? I was only throwing him a bone, a pity lay. He should be thanking me. And you, you're just this annoying little troll who somehow managed to talk him into being your sad puppy following you around like a doofus. Maybe you two deserve each other, like the blind leading the stupid."
With that, Rachel hauled off and slapped Santana clear across the face in front of god and the entire glee club. You could hear a pin drop for a few seconds as even Santana stood holding her cheek, frozen in shock.
"THAT was for insulting Finn! Don't mess with my man, Santana! He is NOT stupid! But you are if you think he'd ever come back for more sloppy seconds from YOU!"
Before Santana could lunge for Rachel, Puck jumped up and grabbed her by the waist at the same time Finn jumped between her and Rachel.
Finn scooped Rachel up and whisked her out of the room and down the hall to an empty classroom. She looked at him wide-eyed and he could tell she was pretty stunned herself at what had just happened. "Baby, babe are you okay?"
Rachel shook her head a little to snap out of her stupor. "Um, yes. Wow. That actually felt incredible. I can't believe I just slapped her like that."
Finn pulled a crooked half smile. "Yeah, it was pretty hot though. You okay?"
Rachel responded by pushing him back into the wall, jumping up into his arms, and smashing her lips on his in a scorching kiss. He caught her easily and held her up, turning them to press her against the wall while she wrapped her legs around his waist. Their kiss was hungry and insistent and they were both breathless when they separated.
With his forehead leaning against hers he breathed out, "I missed you so much, Rach... I'm so sorry for everything."
"No Finn, I'm sorry for freezing you out. I missed you too. I was just too upset and I didn't want to say anything that would hurt you."
"So are we okay then?"
She smiled a bright pearly million-dollar smile. "Better than okay. We're in love, and nothing compares."
. . . . .
Finn and Rachel returned to the choir room a short while later and performed a duet that Mr Schue couldn't deny would be an excellent addition to their regionals setlist.
I won't pretend that we can control the night
Or what kind of road we're on
Or where we will see the light
But right now I'm talking to you
I'm lookin' into your eyes
Right now I'm tryin' to show you
That we're gonna be alright
Oh, I don't know, what's around the bend
All I know is that my love, it knows no end
All these pieces, they fall in line
Because I'm forever on your side
Take my hand when you can't see the light
'Cause I'm forever on your side
I will carry you every time
'Cause I'm forever on your side
They'll beat you up, but don't let 'em keep you down
'Cause you're always tough enough
And I'll always be around
Oh, I don't know, what's around the bend
All I know is that my love, it knows no end
All these pieces, they fall in line
Because I'm forever on your side
Take my hand when you can't see the light
'Cause I'm forever on your side
I will carry you every time
'Cause I'm forever on your side
Oh, I'm forever on your side
The entire club – minus Santana – seemed to agree that a Finchel duet was going to be their best bet to win at Regionals, and this song was a much better choice than the tired old version of 'Time of My Life' they'd originally planned to perform.
Two weeks later as they stood, arms wrapped around each other's waists looking at their first-place trophy in the case, Finn whispered to Rachel "I AM forever by your side baby. I hope you know that."
She smiled warmly and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Me too, Finn. I'm by yours too. Forever."
. . . . .
A/N - sorry, i've been a little stuck in S2 angst world, but maybe this boring little oneshot tides you over a little til the final chapter of SDF is ready – and it's getting there, i promise!
Song credit: FOREVER ON YOUR SIDE by NEEDTOBREATHE