Ministry of Magic, Educational Decree #1
The Sexual Education of Witches of Britain
Beginning in the Fall Term, 5th Year Witches of half or more magical parentage will be required to participate in and pass a curriculum of Sexual Education in order to be permitted to sit their chosen OWL examinations. Educational Classes will be from 10pm to 6am, Friday through Sunday. Additionally, students enrolled in Sexual Education Classes will not be permitted to leave the school during the winter break period. Families will be permitted to visit on Christmas, New Years and Boxing Day, and special events will be planned to ensure all participating students are made to feel at home over break.
All participating students will be required to be on the contraceptive drought for 1 month prior to the start of term to ensure there are no unwanted consequences of practical lessons or examinations. All students will be tested on their ability to satisfy potential husbands using their hands, mouth, vagina and anus, as well as perform for an additional friend of their potential spouse simultaneously, ensuring adequate sexual satisfaction can be achieved in Wizarding Homes in the coming generation, thus ceasing the need to intermingle magical and muggle blood for the sake of the continuation of our way of life.
Signed,
Dolores Jane Umbrige
Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts and Sexual Education
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
What. The. Fuck.
I must have read the letter that came attached to my book list a dozen times and I still could not believe what I was reading. Class every night of the weekend, no coming home, examinations of my sexual abilities? What is going on?!?! Padma cried, I sat in shock, my mother was beside herself and my father sat in silent acceptance that his daughters were now pawns in a political game of Wizarding Britain, and would soon experience the entire spectrum of sexual scenarios.
As I boarded the train with Padma, I felt like I was going off to an entire new place, not the Hogwarts I'd grown to love the last 4 years. We were separated by house and year into cars, so Dean, Seamus, Neville, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Lavender and I boarded and found ourselves in an open car with seats in a semi-circle with our names listed on them. All the girls on one side, the boys on the other with an older gentleman wearing ministry robes sitting in the middle.
We quietly took our seats, exchanging hushed "welcome backs" but keenly aware of the unusual situation we found ourselves in. The gentleman introduced himself as Mr Jones and he began by rereading Educational Decree #1 to us. It was even more shocking to hear in person, especially from this unfamiliar face.
Mr. Jones informed us that the 3 of us, looking to the girls, had been randomly selected to study with one of the Gryffindor upper 3 years. Hermione would go to 7th year, Lavender to 6th, leaving me right here with my fellow 5th years. "Each of you will learn from your respective group of gentlemen, and at the end of term, you will rank all of the men in your group from most desirable to least. You will be required to marry the highest rated man on your list that also agrees to have you, and produce one heir within 18 months of completion of your NEWTs and a second within your first two years after that. If none of the men in your group agree to have you, you will be required to produce one magical offspring with the man deemed most like to produce a powerful child by your ministry supervisor, all within the same time period."
I looked around the car taking in the sudden realization that that statement means that I will marry and bear the child of one of the 5 boys across from me. I'm at a loss for words. The ministry is turning us into broodmares.
"Excuse me sir, I'm a muggle born. This was only supposed to apply to Witches of half or greater magical parentage " Hermione says in a frantic attempt to talk her way out of the situation that was dawning on her as well.
"Miss Granger, the ministry has seen fit to pair you with the 7th year boys for your instruction because all of them come from parents who are individually at least half blood themselves. No muggle borns within the parental generation of that particular group of men. The ministry is certain that given your talents demonstrated here at school, and their particularly good bloodlines, you will be able to produce a sufficient magical heir to add to Wizarding Britain, even if none of them want to take you as a wife. Certainly one of them will impregnate you for the cause."
So much for randomly selected.
There's silence in the car. Mr Jones informs us that we will be spending 10pm to 6am, Friday through Sunday, with our respective "study group ", and it is up to us to prepare ourselves for our exams in May. The only ministry required actions per weekend study period are that we share the bed of one of our group members each night, that we wear ministry provided uniforms on Saturday evenings, and that we allow a boy of our choosing to touch us intimately for an extended period each weekend.
He further explained that for the examinations in April, we would be required to demonstrate the ability to get a different man from our group to ejaculate using our hands, mouth, vagina and anus, before moving on to a threesome scenario dictated by the ministry to ensure our ability to serve as a party favor should our future husband desire us to provide entertainment to a guest. Finally, all boys from our group must participate in the examinations, but we would be free to choose their roles.
I surveyed the boys in front of me with the knowledge of what I would be required to do with them, sure that Hermione and Lavender were mentally doing the same exact thing.
Ron is gross. After how he treated my sister last year, and how I've seen him treat Hermione, I want absolutely nothing to do with him. For the examinations, I could probably close my eyes and give him a hand job for the sake of my future.
Neville is such a sweet soul, I'm not sure he's even interested is sex. I feel safe with him because he in no way would ever take advantage of the "study weekends " I'm about to endure.
Harry was a bit of tosser at the Yule Ball last year but I feel like he didn't even want to go to the dance in the first place, and he's genuinely a good guy from what I see. Maybe with a little growing this year we could get him to figure out how to treat a proper date and be a little less influenced by Ron.
Dean and Seamus absolutely have a thing for eachother, no doubt about it. But Seamus also seems to like a lot of girls, soooo maybe pairing them together for the final wouldn't be the worst idea? At least Dean could look across at Seamus while he was inside me and picture his secret man crush so that he wouldn't get in trouble for failing to perform at the exams.
Did I just accept that this was happening and make a plan to accomplish it? I can't believe the ministry is doing this to us!
With about an hour to go on the train ride, Mr Jones departs to a staff carriage and instructs Lavender and Hermione to go introduce themselves to their study partners, leaving me alone with the 5 guys I'm about to live out this course with.
"Soooo who wants to get me pregnant?" I say, leaning to dry humor to try to break the ice.
Dean and Seamus burst out laughing as the tension fades with the two guys I consider my closest male friends at Hogwarts. Neville blushes bright red, Harry looks incredibly flustered and slightly uncomfortable and Ron raises his bloody hand.
"Ron, just so that we are completely clear up front, you get a hand job during the exams and that's it" I say, getting a display of frustrated anger from his face, but he's smart enough to hold his tongue as Seamus falls out of his chair laughing and Neville turns as red as Ron's fiery hair.
"Neville, don't blush too hard, I'm your bunk mate for the weekends until I decide to give these other blokes a go" looking from Dean to Seamus to Harry, skipping over Ron. Neville starts to sputter out a reply when the squealing of the brakes signal our arrival at the station and the start of this new adventure at Hogwarts.