1975, July 5th

HIS hands were sticky. Out of everything, the chaos that surrounds him, the pounding in his chest, his heart slamming against his ribcage. The texture of the substance on his hands was the only thing he could think about. Not even the wet sludge his knees sunk into, which ruined his favorite trousers.

"Snape, get up." His tone was harsh and unforgiving, but it was enough to pull his mind out of the haze of guilt which ate at him.

Severus pushed his palms down his thighs in an attempt to remove some of the blood, but he was unsuccessful. Frantic, he dipped his hands into the muddy puddle beneath him and began to scrub the dried blood from his fingers.

"Snape, STOP!" Lucius exclaimed before yanking his younger comrade up by his arm.

"It's all over me," He panted, ripping his cloak from his shoulders and clawing at his shirt.

"You need to stop," Lucius said through his teeth, peering at their surroundings. "Someone could see you. Get a hold of yourself."

It felt as if the world around him was crashing into his head all at once, searing pain, the constant thump of his pulse at his temple. All he could think, Lily was right.

He wheezed, "I can't-"

"Severus!" Lucius commanded, gripping his shirt and jerking him to his feet. "If the Dark Lord sees you, he'll skin you alive."

"The Dark Lord isn't here." Severus gasped, rubbing the back of his muddy hand across his blood stained shirt.

He allowed his eyes to flicker to the Death Eaters laughing and moving around them, as if they didn't just murder several innocent muggles. He jerked a nod.

"We need to get out of here, the Muggle law enforcement will be here at any moment." Lucius let go of his shirt and allowed him to stumble just a bit before turning to the other Death Eaters around them, "That's enough, lets go!"

Severus' hair hung wet in front of his eyes when he looked down to the soaked cloak at his feet. This was not what he signed up for.

"Come on." Lucius whispered harshly before gripping Severus' arm, with the spin and pull of apparition, they landed in the Malfoy Manor.

"Ridiculous." Lucius sneered, "You could have gotten us both killed with your display."

"My apologies for not being able to control my emotions as thoroughly as you do when it comes to killing innocent people." Severus spat, wiping a bit of mud from his forearms.

"Innocent? They were muggles." Lucius scoffed, "They were far from innocent."

"Please, enlighten me, what was their crime?" Severus exclaimed, following his friend, could he call him his friend? Lucius made two turns and pushed the double doors open to a large drawing room.

Lucius looked up to him and with eyes empty of emotion, he shrugged. "Existing."

Severus scoffed and pulled his wand from his sheath at his side in order to rid his body of the filth that was smeared into his clothes. "I can think of many more heinous crimes to be done other than being born."

Lucius snorted and popped the top off of a bottle of Odens finest bourbon before pouring himself and his comrade healthy portions. He moved with his wand in one hand and his glass in the other and began twisting his wand into the air while muttering incantations as he went. Severus saw little disturbances in the surrounding air, it was as if he was casting a heat haze across the walls of the Manor.

"Salvio hexia." Lucius whispered, moving past Severus as if he weren't standing there.

"What are you doing?" Severus asked, watching his movements.

"What does it look like? Protective enchantments." He said, "Seriously, Snape, what are they teaching at that school?"

"I bloody well know what enchantments are, I mean why are you doing that, we're in your home, are we not?" Severus snapped, while looking down at his glass and watching the amber liquid swirl.

"Ever since the Dark Lord has been made privy to our wards we need to recast them every so often." Lucius explained, "Can't have any rogue order members or muggles," He said the latter with disdain, "...stumbling in now can we?"

"Where is he anyway, isn't he usually here to ask after his charges, endeavors and orders?" He asked, looking around the empty dark Manor with confused curiosity. The Manor was deadly silent, which wasn't unusual for homes this late at night, but at this moment it was suspiciously quiet.

"The Dark Lord has been called away and that is all I know."

"Are you not married?" Severus asked, peering out of the sitting room with interest.

"I am indeed."

"Wouldn't she be a bit put out at you having death eater guests this late in the evening?" Severus sipped the bourbon he was offered, crinkling his nose at the complexity of its taste.

"My wife's opinions are not your concern, you may see yourself out," He paused, "Do learn to occlude your emotions before the next raid, I doubt the Dark Lord will be as forgiving as I."

Lucius sheathed his wand in his cane before striding out of the sitting room.

Angrily, Severus downed the last of his bourbon with a cough before slamming it down on the table in front of him and apparating away.

•••

He arrived at the apparition point and stumbled once his feet touched the smooth wet pavement of Spinners End. Instantly he was soaked and grumbled for the rest of the trip towards his childhood home. He absolutely hated the rain. Especially in the summer as the humidity made everything inside and outside cold and damp.

Once he finally entered the old metal gate in front of his flat, he pulled the keys from his trouser pocket and shoved the house key into the door with mild aggression. If his Death Eater comrades could see him now. What slurs they would call him.

"Mum?" He called, sticking his head into the kitchen, when he didn't find her, he walked lazily up the stairs to his bedroom and slammed the door shut. The small Slytherin quidditch flag that hung on his wall tilted slightly from the force. His father wouldn't be home for at least another hour, he usually stayed late at the pub on the weekends, and his mother was probably in the basement brewing. This was the only time she had to brew without catching his fathers ire.

Picking up the Potions Quarterly magazine from his cot of a bed, he plopped

down and threw his arm over his eyes, holding the magazine to his chest with a fluttering sigh.

It didn't take long for him to fall asleep, pushing away the thoughts that plagued him, the guilt that haunted him, and his constant state of uneasiness, he drifted off.

"Severus, honey, breakfast is ready."

It felt as if he was only asleep for minutes before he woke with the blinding light of a Saturday morning stinging his eyes.

He grumbled and untangled his limbs from the suffocating bed sheets, sitting at the edge of his bed, the twinge of sleep still stuck on his skin, he rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. That's when activities of the night came back to him suddenly and he felt his stomach turn.

"Severus! Breakfast!" His mother called once more from the kitchen down stairs.

"Coming mum!" He shouted back, his voice breaking. Puberty was a bitch if he didn't know one.

He groaned, his body cracking and popping as he stood to stretch. Above his small desk beside his bed, was an even smaller mirror which revealed his pale complexion and bed hair. Smoothing his hair down quickly, he grabbed his wand and hid it in his sleeve.

One light jog down the stairs later and he was sitting across the kitchen table from his muggle father who had his face buried in a muggle newsletter.

"Would you like toast, dear?" His mother asked his father who grunted a response, the paper in his hands barely ruffling.

"How was the meeting, Sev?"

Severus gulped and looked from his father's direction to his mothers back. "It went well."

"I'm glad." She said sitting a plate of eggs and bacon in front of him before ruffling his hair slightly, "You really need to find a new shampoo, use mine tonight, mines prone to oiliness as well."

He pushed her hand away, his face twisting with disgust, "I don't want to smell like a girl, mum."

His fathers paper quickly lowered with a rustle, and his black piercing eyes were staring daggers at him in an instant. "Might as well, since you'll never have one anywhere near you."

"Oh hush, Lionel, Lily liked him just the way he is." She said, bending to give his fathers scruffy face a small kiss.

"Hm." His father said, "Yes but where's she been all summer, he's done scared her off, nice normal girl, she probably ran for the hills as soon as she got the chance."

Severus clenched his fork in his fist, his teeth slammed shut.

"They had a falling out." She paused, "She'll come around eventually, honey."

Severus nodded and scooped a fork full of scrambled eggs into his mouth, opening his Potions Quarterly to read the week's discovery.

"Haven't I told you to keep that rubbish out of the main rooms, look here," His father picked up one of his magazines and tossed it across the table to him. Severus looked down at the title and held back a sigh.

"Father, I'm not interested in muggle sports."

"Well get used to it, you can't live in that fantasy world for much longer, eventually you'll need to find a job and hobbies outside of it." His father said, scooping nearly a pound of jam onto his toast.

"I have plenty of engaging hobbies, and Professor Slughorn has referred me to an excellent Potions Master who is willing to apprentice me, it'll be a real job." Severus argued, taking a bite out of his bacon.

"A real job is in the real world, not some wizard filth that won't pay the bills, who will care for your mother when I am gone? The mortgage will need to be paid and the bills kept up with. You can't do that with a make-believe job."

"But father it is-"

"Severus." His mother warned.

"Yes father, I understand." He pushed his Potions Quarterly to the side and pulled the football magazine to him, looking up through his lashes at his fathers satisfied grin.

This was how his summer holidays went. The same routine daily, except usually he had Lily as a buffer with his father. He adored her, almost as much as Severus did. Now, without her constant companionship, he had no one and nothing to do, except deal with his fathers constant pestering about what he needed to do with his life.

Sunday mornings were the worst.

"Didn't I tell you to wear my black tie, you need to look halfway decent, my boss will be there." His father drawled, fixing his clothes in the living room mirror while his wife finished getting ready in the bathroom.

Severus looked down at his attire, the bell bottoms his cousin Charlie handed down were bad enough, now he was expected to wear them with a tie. He held back yet another sigh and pulled the tie from the kitchen table.

"I'm just about ready, boys, I just can't seem to get my earring on." His mother said, while stepping down the stairs towards them, "Got it! Severus honey let me help you with that."

Standing in front of him she tied his tie with ease and gave his cheek a light caress before moving towards his father to assist him with his. If he had to guess, Sunday morning mass was the last place his father wanted to be, but in order to 'keep up appearances' they went as often as possible.

"Let's get a move on before we're late." His mother said, grabbing her small handbag from the table before following her husband to their small beater car.

The drive to and from church has always been the most awkward. His father didn't like music, so they rode in complete silence, with only the hum of the engine and hiss of the broken AC to keep them company. Severus could remember a time when he could barely see out the window in the back seat, now his head hit the roof of the car every time there was a slight bump in the road.

Once they had parked, they began making their way up the narrow footpath leading to the entrance of the church. They were exactly on time, he noted, as the bell above the church began to ring loudly, alerting all of Cokeworth to the service starting. That was when he spotted her and her family making their way towards the greeter at the door. A pain hit him in the chest like a ton of bricks. She must have seen him too because she quickened her step the closer he and his family got. She was wearing her sunday best, a dress he has seen her in many times before, and would never get used to. Her flame colored hair was a huge contrast to the bright purple fabric, but boy did it make her eyes seem to glow.

"Mr. Snape, Mrs. Snape, how wonderful for you to join us this morning." The greeter said, to which his father did his usual and put on the perfect display of the perfect husband and greeted the man with the same level of kindness.

"Thank you, Mitchel, happy to be here." His father replied, puffing his chest out with pride. It reminded Severus of a gorilla at the petting zoo.

Once inside, his eyes snapped to where he knew she'd be sitting at the far end of the church, three rows in front of where his family usually sat. She didn't give him more than a side eye before the choir began to sing their songs. But his eyes couldn't seem to leave her.

This summer, when he wasn't at a Death Eater meeting, he was walking the streets of Cokeworth. Walking helped him think, it kept his mind busy so he didn't have to think about the atrocities he witnessed and performed under the leadership of the Dark Lord.

Gosh, he hated the rain. The humidity in the air clung to his skin and the light drizzle made his clothes cling to him in the most uncomfortable of ways. He tended to stay inside on days like these, cuddled in his favorite chair in the family sitting room with some sort of book. The warmth the fireplace emitted often lulled him to sleep until either his father or his mother returned home from their respected occupations. His mother worked at a small muggle market just down the street and his father worked in a factory not too far from that. Today though, his father and his mother were not at work, on days like these, he stayed as far away as possible.

His father didn't drink on his workdays, which made him all the more unbearable on the days that he did crack open the bottle. These sorts of days, Severus usually spent at the Evans household, playing different muggle board games and watching their telly. IF this were any other Sunday, before his falling out with Lily, he would've rode home with the Evans, but today was not a normal Sunday.

Her father enjoyed his company and hearing about his and Lily's studies, much to Petunia's dismay. Mr. Evans was the first man to whom Severus looked up to and Mrs. Evans, unlike his mother, was very attentive and often wrote to him while he and Lily were at school, sending him a box of her homemade brownies once a month. He would always keep the card she included and transfigure it into a knickknack to regift her. This year, however, he received no letters, and no box of brownies.

It was an unusually hot July afternoon. The rain left a steamy trail in its wake, causing a thick fog to cover most of Cokeworth. He could hardly see twenty feet in front of him. Which he supposed he didn't mind, it was better than having to deal with his fathers drunken temper on his summer holiday. It was a very calm Sunday, not many people had the need or desire to roam outside of their homes in the rain, so it was near silent. The light wet slap of his trainers on the pavement and the distant squeak of the spinning carousel in the children's park just ahead was all he could hear. It wasn't until he was approaching the far end of the park that he heard her voice.

"Not now, Petunia." He heard her say. He stopped in his tracks and took great care to not allow his feet to make a noise as he snuck over into the bushes to hide himself. He didn't have to move far, just take a few steps to his right and he was hidden from the view of anyone in the park.

"But mum wants you home now." Petunia whines, causing him to grimace. He's never liked her, she always found a way to remind Lily how horrible he was, how undeserving he was of her company.

"I don't bloody care!" Lily exclaimed, "I need a moment alone. Tell her I'll be home in a bit. And tell James I said to go home."

Severus' breath caught in his throat. What was Potter doing here?

"I'm not a messenger and I won't be getting into trouble because you're too stubborn to listen."

He supposed Potter's presence wasn't all that surprising, given his and Lily's growing friendship last semester. He'd learned early in the year to keep his distance. Last semester was the first time he and Lily didn't speak one word to each other.

He took a cautious step forward and peered through the branches of the bush. Lily was slumping in a swing, her feet dragging through the mush beneath her and therefore ruining her white trainers. She was wearing a light jumper with her favorite pair of bootleg jeans. Jeans, that he himself had repaired a number of times.

"I don't want to be around anyone right now, just go away." Lily said through her teeth, trying but failing to sound the least bit threatening.

Petunia laughed, "I'm not afraid of you." She crossed her arms, looking rather smug.

In one fell swoop, Lily was standing directly in front of her sister with her wand jabbed into Petunia's throat.

"I said. Leave me alone, Petunia." Lily spat, this time sounding a great deal more threatening.

Petunia sputtered, "You- You're not allowed to do magic outside of school."

"Yeah?" Lily said, "Try me."

Petunia slowly backed away, turned, and disappeared around the corner at a full sprint. He watched for a moment longer as Lily sighed, shoved her wand back into her sleeve and dropped herself rather gracefully back into the swing she once occupied. She was alone. If he ever wanted to say anything to her, to apologize, now was his chance.

He moved, taking a step forward, which to his utter dismay sent a loud crack echoing through the park as he stepped on a branch beneath him.

Lily's head shot up and her wand slid back into her hand in the blink of an eye. "Who's there?"

Severus cringed and stepped around the bush revealing himself to her, his hands above his head. He watched as many different emotions played on her beautiful face before she finally landed in anger.

"Were you eavesdropping?" She asked, her wand still trained on him.

He swallowed, "I didn't mean to, I was coming here to- and I overheard you."

Her eyes softened slightly. "That was a rather rude invasion of privacy, Severus."

"This is a public park." He said, his hands still raised above his head.

She rolled her eyes. "Why hide, why not help me shoo her away?"

"I didn't think you'd care for my help." His eyes flickered to her wand once more before he slowly started lowering his hands.

She sighed and sheathed her wand in her sleeve before plopping back down to the swing she vacated. The silence stretched before he finally crossed the distance between them and sat on the swing next to her. They spent a lot of holidays like this in the past. He missed it.

"Just because I didn't hex you doesn't mean I want your company." She said without lifting her eyes from the muck below them.

"I know."

"Then why are you still here?" This time she did look up, meeting his eyes and it took everything inside of him not to get lost in her emerald gaze.

He cleared his throat and looked away, "My dads drinking again. I don't have many other places to go."

She didn't say anything else for several minutes and neither did he. They didn't have to talk, he just wanted to be in her presence for as long as she allowed him to. He knew it was only a matter of time before her senses came back to her, a matter of seconds before she remembered how horrible he was to her. Having spent a year trying to apologize, you'd think he'd have found the words by now.

He had to dig deep to find the courage to break the silence, a year of rejection did that to a person.

"Lily I-" He started but was quickly cut off.

"Nothing you can say will matter. I don't have the strength to fight you right now. Either be quiet or go away." She said, swirling the tip of her toe in the mud.

Not wanting to break the fragile balance they had developed in the past twenty minutes, he didn't say a word and instead pushed off the ground and began a light swing. The rain grew heavier, seeping through every layer of clothing until he was completely soaked. He didn't care though. A cold was the furthest thing from his mind. His thoughts were now overlapping themselves. If she had any legilimency training at all, he was sure his thoughts were loud enough that she didn't even have to raise her wand to hear.

If I tried to apologize again, would she still reject me?

Of course she will, you don't deserve forgiveness.

Why is she allowing me to stay here with her if she hates me?

If she hated you she would've asked you to leave.

Don't be absurd Lily doesn't hate anyone, to even think she is capable of such an emotion is the reason why she wants nothing to do with you.

His thoughts were flying a million miles an hour and yet he said nothing at all. Instead he tried his best to quiet his mind and enjoy her company and force himself not to stare at the side of her face which was running with rain.

As much as he enjoyed her company and he didn't want to be completely hexed out of it, he wanted things to go back to the way they were before. He couldn't seem to stop his mind from reeling, so he needed to say something, "I'm playing quidditch next term."

She looked up at him with clear surprise. "I thought you hated quidditch."

He chuckled breathlessly, "I did, but I've been spending a lot of time with…" He paused for a moment and wondered, should he tell the truth about the company he keeps before he realized she already knew, "with Rosier, and he's roped me into liking it, I suppose."

She stopped her swing from swaying and looked deep in thought for a moment before responding, "What position?"

"Chaser."

Her eyes widened slightly. "Hm."

"You look surprised." He chuckled, pushing his soaked hair back out of his face.

She watched the movement before a small smile stretched her lips, she studied him carefully. "I didn't peg you for the athletic type, Sev."

His heart fluttered at the use of the nickname. She hasn't called him that since fifth year.

He thought he'd never hear her call him that again.

Realizing what she had done, she blushed fiercely and allowed her darkened red hair to fall over her eyes.

"It's an exhilarating sport." He said, studying her.

"I wouldn't know." Lily shrugged, her blush now deep red but her gaze still focused on the mud below them.

He smiled, and they spent a few minutes in silence, letting the sound of the rain fill them. She looked content, and he would have been too if it weren't for the looming knowledge that there weren't many moments like this left, at least not for the both of them.

"I wasn't, until last spring, my mates have all developed an intense obsession with the sport." He shrugged his tone light and conversational, he didn't miss the tinge of red coloring her cheeks, "Over the summer I found a deep love for it."

At the mention of his mates her smile fell and she turned away from him once more.

"Your death eater mates?" She asked, her tone cutting.

He frowned, a sudden ache filling his chest. He swallowed hard and sighed softly. This was the one thing she would never forgive. And it seemed that no matter how much time passed, she wouldn't forget it either. He couldn't fault her for it, part of him was starting to regret it as well. He was promised power and knowledge and he had yet to receive either. He often wondered if joining the death eaters would ever be worth it. No… he hadn't gained anything other than scars and the loss of her friendship.

He sighed and stood from the swing, then leaned against the pole next to the swing set.

He didn't meet her eyes.

"Not all of them are death eaters." He spoke softly, chancing a look at her. She was staring at him, her eyes blazing.

"You think that makes it better?" She said, raising her voice, "You're a death eater, Snape."

Gone was the cute nickname and along came the use of his surname. The name he was born with but was growing to despise. It sounded like a curse on her beautiful lips, like an insult.

He clenched his jaw, "I know."

"That mark on your arm," She spat with a lazy gesture to his left arm, which caused his immediate reflex to cover it with his palm, "It's a symbol of everything evil and horrible with the world and you have it permanently drawn into your skin."

She looked up at him once more, her eyes burning with a mixture of anger and hurt. She stood and took a step closer to him, her voice quieter but no less intense.

"I don't know who you are anymore," she said, the words heavy with disappointment.

The weight of her words hung heavy in the air, and a heavy silence settled between them. He couldn't bear to see the disappointment in her eyes, but he also couldn't bring himself to deny her words. He had crossed a line from which there was no turning back, and the girl he once cared for seemed determined to make him own up to it. His heart twisted with guilt as he struggled to find the right words.

"I wish I could explain," he muttered, his voice strained.

But no explanation would erase the dark path he had chosen, or the consequences that came with it. He watched as she turned away, shoulders slumping with resignation, preparing to leave him with the weight of his decisions. But as she took a step away, he reached out and caught her hand.

"Please, just give me a chance," he pleaded, his voice desperate and his grip gentle.

But she shook her head, her expression a mix of sadness and resolve.

"I can't," she replied, her voice firm. "Not this time."

He felt his heart sink as he watched her leave, the realization of what he had lost hitting him like a punch to the gut.

The sound of her footsteps faded away, leaving him alone with his regrets and the harsh reality of his choices. The weight of his decisions pressed against him, suffocating him with the knowledge that he had pushed away the one person who had once meant everything to him. The pain of loss closed in around him, and he knew that there was no going back. He stood in silence, staring at the empty space where she had been, the air felt heavy with the weight of his mistake, and he knew that nothing could undo the damage he had caused. The echoes of their last exchange lingered in the air, filling the children's park with a palpable sense of finality.

The memories of their time together taunted him, reminding him of how different things could have been. He clenched his jaw, struggling to contain the flood of emotions threatening to overwhelm him. Finally breaking free from his stupor, he made a silent vow to himself. He swore that he would not make the same mistake again, that he would find a way to mend what was broken, even if it took every ounce of his strength and every fiber of his being. Determination surged through him, replacing the burden of regret with a fierce resolve.

With newfound determination burning within him, he turned away from the empty park and began to walk, his steps carrying him on a path that would lead to a journey of redemption and discovery, where he would seek the truth and confront the shadows of his mistakes.