Blame the muse/RNG, not me.

As a random-ass college student surrounded by fantasy people in a fictional series I barely watched and remember even less off, who has lived a completely normal life until this point, I could still feel the intensity radiating from the Dungeon in the middle of Orario.

The tower that stood in defiance of the heavens and plunged impossibly deep into the pits of hell… I could almost feel the utter malice this thing had for all living things- and for me in particular.

I won't lie to you. I'm an overweight twenty-something with glasses that haven't been changed in five years. I am no warrior. I am not the chosen one.

But my heart raced as I looked at the tower and felt the promise within that hatred. Within the dungeon, was everything.

Wealth, Poverty, Fame, Infamy, Power, Weakness.

Everything it offered, everything it promised, could come true. The wonders and horrors I couldn't even imagine experiencing laid at its depths, a promise of something nipping at the heels of apoplectic rage at life itself.

All it'd take was a roll of the dice, a chance to see if I would become more or less than ever possible.

Despite every bit of logic, reason, and self-preservation life had taught me screaming at me to run away and never look at this accursed place again… I asked myself a very ironic question.

Is it wrong to take a chance in the Dungeon?

Absolutely.

Can I stop myself from doing it anyway?

That, I did not know.

If there's one thing that's good about living in medieval fantasy land, it's that you can just sit on a bench and no one will pay attention to you and your freak out. Either that or the Japanese influence is strong here, but honestly I'm just trying to cope at this point.

Alright, so. I'm probably going to have to become an adventurer so I don't fucking starve to death here. Because I'm a fucking Comp Sci Major being sent back to medieval times- I have barely any usable skills here, except maybe cooking. And that's a stretch and a half, considering the food here could be wildly different than what I'm expecting.

I'm also illiterate- fucking fantasy languages- with no contacts, references, or proof I'm not a criminal that snuck into the most profitable city in the world. Also I think Bell's Aunt is trying to kill everyone to beat One-Eyed Willy or something. Idk, most of the shit I remember about this place is half-remembered fanfiction.

Either way, I'm in a shonen battle-harem. The world will absolutely come under fire, and considering literal gods are all over the fucking place, killing Gods is going to be the least of my worries.

Alright. So I need to become an adventurer, and go into the dungeon.

I blinked at the conclusion I had so easily come, and leaned back into the vaguely uncomfortable wooden back of the bench. My eyes naturally found the Dungeon, standing high and might, as if it were the Tower of Babel itself.

… Is the Dungeon a cogni-hazard? A thing that effects your thinking the more you interact with it?

I'm the furthest thing to a adrenaline-huffing battle-junkie- I write fucking porn on the internet for god's sake- and yet the conclusion of 'Oh well, time to Dungeon Dive' was fucking instant since I came near the Dungeon itself.

Yet, I know that thing is bad news. A literal god-slaying prison that actively tries to kill anyone who sets foot in it, either through waves of enemies or sending a Monster Parade to curb-stomp the bastard who ends up pissing it off.

Anyone with any reason whatsoever should be noping the fuck away from it. The natives are an exception.

Both the culture built around dungeon diving and gaining strength that this place is the heart of, and the fact that without adventurers to regularly cull the monsters inside they'd get overrun are reason enough to dive into that hellspire and kill everything in it. But me? I have no connection to this place or its people, except maybe wanting to fuck Hestia- but that's not even unique about me!

That place… Ugh, I feel like the main girl in a corruption doujin, trying to deny a burning feeling in my soul that wants me to risk it all.

… Wait a second, isn't there a whorehouse Familia with a woobie kitsune that's being held against her will?

I took a breath, closed my eyes, and exhaled while I forced all the garbage out of my head and focused on what was important.

What can you do?

Find a Familia and become an Adventurer. Or find a normal ass job and get a first-hand perspective on what happens to background characters in high-stakes shonen.

What will you gain?

Power, allies, stability, adventure. Or stability and normality, for a time.

What will you lose?

Safety. Security. The ability to call myself sane and intelligent. Or my freedom…

That's the real issue here. What's worth more to me?

I could risk what little I still have, bet it all on me and roll the dice. Or I could patiently twiddle my thumbs, waiting for the next big bad to show up, and see if I'm another unnamed casualty the 'heroes' will justify to themselves in the end.

Safety or freedom. My soul says freedom, but can I follow through with that? Can I grit my teeth, wake every morning, and throw myself into hell based on an ideal?

I'm not Shirou Emiya. I don't have that suicidal single-mindedness that let's characters gamble everything they are on a whim.

Grace in death? Peace in the end? Utter horseshit. Death is absolutely fucking horrifying, an unending nothing that eats away at once was. No one could possibly face that gracefully, with their head held high.

I can't do that. But.

But I could die either way. So the choice isn't safety or freedom.

Die on your terms, or die on theirs.

My soul burned with power and defiance, and I found my answer.

Magitek- Advanced Runes (Cryosis) - Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild (200 points)

Roll Failed. +100 CP. Now at 200 CP.

… What.

As the words that flared in the forefront of my mind slowly faded away, I immediately recognized the ability that had just failed to activate.

Celestial Grimoire. Basically a random magic generator that activates… that activates… in a way that the person using it is incapable of figuring out or exploiting.

Motherfucking anti-munchkin cucks.

Anyway, so. In a setting where barely anyone has magic, and those who do get like… one spell.

I have all the magic.

… Or none of it right now, considering I'm broke and don't have a fucking Sheika Slate.

Ugh, nevermind. The important thing is I've finally found where my balls are, and I'm now committed to partaking in the setting and all it's bullshit.

And no I'm not at all relieved I have a fucking safety net of out of context bullshit to help me. Shut up.

But my problems are still kicking, because I now have a new problem to deal with. Whose Familia do I beg to let me in.

What's that? Why am I begging when I have the potential to become the strongest thing in Orario?

Why, take a look at my dear friend Potential Man and I'll explain exactly the issue; I have potential, but that means fucking nothing if I can't use it.

Because the possibility of getting nothing but prerequisites and skills I straight up cannot use is a horrifying yet very possible one.

Hell the power I just got, if I even had the points for it, would've been useless since I don't have the prerequisite to use it.

So, again. Basically an overweight, blind, wild card with no useable abilities at this moment in time. And it's not like I could just wait out the ability- the opportunity can't be manipulated or munchkin'd by the user.

At least that's what my guts telling me, and since I 'can' do magic now, I'll trust it.

… So now comes the real question. Do I go for Hestia's Familia?

No, and for two very stupid reasons. One, I don't want to play second-fiddle to everyone's favorite rabbit Bell Cranel. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly willing to party up with the kid, but having to deal with my goddess being absolutely obsessed with another man for the foreseeable future?

Fuck that.

And two comes from another anime I know very little about, but whose dumbass protagonist has some very good points on what an adventure holds.

"No one decides my adventure for me." Those words settled easily in my chest, felt right on my tongue, and echoed in my head. I was always a more instinctive guy, so going with this felt right.

"Cool words for a bum." My eyes flew open at the stranger's voice, and every thought rattling in my head ground to a halt as I laid my eyes on the woman in front of me.

I remembered something in the back of my mind, of how everyone in this setting could look at someone and know without a shadow of a doubt if they were divine. I experienced that at that very moment.

Golden hair spun atop warm brown skin, sharp feline eyes staring at me as her full lips smiled in amusement at my stupor. Fine, white linen robes decorated with gold wrapped snugly around her full-bodied figure- nothing too outrageous for an anime, but still the most wild shit I'd ever seen with my own two eyes.

And the three most important parts- the sharp feline ears on top of her head, her full ass, and the tail above even that. Oh and the ankh hanging on her neck.

I shamelessly took in the woman in front of me in a fraction of a second, before my composure returned to me and I gave the woman a respectful nod. "Lady Bast…et?"

She huffed. "Undress me with your eyes, refuse to get up and bow, and don't even get my name right?"

"I'm also objectifying you, if that'll get you your bingo-card for the day." I added shamelessly as I immediately picked up two new things about the chocolate- Egyptian goddess in front of me.

One, her shape had some well-hidden musculature behind the curves that spoke of someone who wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty. And two… the shoulder-length haircut exposed her as a fucking tomboy catgirl. My porn had trained me for this exact scenario.

"Please, that's the freebie." A sharp-toothed smile was the best my jokes got me. "Now, could you get up. Ole' Anpu is asking me a favor, and if I'm not back soon she'll fall asleep."

I rolled my eyes but did as she 'commanded', immediately regretting my decision to stay on that bench for so long as various pains wracked my lower back. I grit my teeth as the familiar pain made it's way through my system, glaring at the goddess when she gave a mocking glance back my way as she wordlessly let me through to whoever the fuck Anpu is.

My eyes naturally found themselves glued to the round, firm ass guiding me- but I'm a nerd before I am a horndog, so I decided to check out the streets we were wandering.

Just so I'd know what to do in case I get my kidneys stolen. And boy, with a view like this, I'd probably consider selling them.

The streets were abuzz with life, people flowing through like a tide as conversations between the many races of people occurred in the background. The smell of blood in the air told me that this was the return horde, based on the injuries left unchecked by potions- a parting gift sent by the dungeon.

Doing my best not to stare a hole in that literally divine ass, I could feel my soul alighting with energy once more.

Modus - Gravity Magic - Fate/Kaleid Liner PRISMA ILLYA (400 points)

Roll Failed. +100 Points. Now at 300 CP.

There is not a single word in any conceivable language to describe the utter despair and anguish I felt at fucking Gravity Magic slipping through my goddamn fingers like sand- lost like tears in the rain.

Sure, I don't have any Magic Circuits, and literal grooves in my soul would be plainly obvious to the eventual divine figurehead that would give me my Falna. And I am well aware of the sheer bullshit that the Nasuverse and everything that touches it brings to the table.

But come the fuck on! I'm already homeless, starving, acting like a simp to the first piece of ass I've seen all day! Let me have a fucking spell, please!

I'll never get to show off my unique protagonist powers if you keep giving me shit I can't afford! I will not live in a world where I am broke down to my very soul!

"You done staring at my ass, 'cause we're here." I was pulled from my internal bitch-fest by Bast's dry statement, as I found myself outside of… a regular medicine shop, with a cat-shaped sign naming the place 'Blessed Balms'. The scent of medicine and herbs tickled my nose, and I huffed to get the sting out of my nose.

"Gimme like three more minutes." I needed to memorize the exact sway of her stride, and the shaking it produced. There wasn't any porn here, and paying for sex is an assault on my pride.

Also fuck Ishtar, all my homies hate fox-girl abusers.

"I appreciate the honesty, it is a very nice ass, but I've got shit to do that doesn't involve being your fap fantasy. Now mush." The divine tomcat snapped her fingers and walked right into her shop without a care in the world, and like every fool that comes before or after me, I followed inside.

Only for my eyes to immediately begin watering as the smell of candles mixed with the various scents I could get from outside, as I immediately missed the blood and sweat-scented air outside.

"Sensitive eyes?" A nod made her reach behind a counter and pull out a jar of ointment. She stabbed a finger in it as she walked back over to me, and without asking smeared the balm beneath my eyelids- moreso the left one.

How the fuck did she notice-

"Your left eye started watering before the right one. Now, follow me upstairs." With the speed which she marched upstairs, I'm not even sure if she plans on fucking me or killing me.

… Either way, I'm on that ass.

Upstairs proved to be nothing like downstairs. Where down below was a shop filled with open windows that let sunshine in, and candles for when the sun was down, this place lacked even the idea of light. It was only the vague shimmer of Bast's jewelry that made it possible to see, even as my eyes adjusted.

"I hate to be that guy, but I don't think my organs are worth this much."

"If you really think I'm bringing you in to get shanked, why are you still following me?"

"Booty is more important than breathing air, booty is more important than drinking water. Booty is more important than anything." I quoted sagely, clinging to my convictions even in peril.

"You are a special kind of stupid, aren't you?" Bast asked dryly, glowing golden eyes staring down at me in the darkness. I faked an expression of embarrassment, smiling goofily and rubbing the back of my head.

"Aw, thank you for noticing, I really try." A laugh, sharp and quick, escaped the goddess. "Now, what is it you want from me, exactly?"

"... I need you to join this bum's familia." My immediate concern was that I was dealing with Hestia, but she was freeloading off of… Hephaestus. And also didn't have any Egyptian friends, as far as I knew.

… Who'd be Egyptian Hestia-

A door I was literally incapable of telling apart from the abyssal wooden walls of this hallway swung open, and I gazed upon the second goddess I'd ever seen.

She was the most beautiful bum I'd ever laid eyes on. Her skin was darker than Bast's, a dark chocolate that shone with such vitality it stood out from the darkness that was her room. Hair blacker than night was stuck in a mess even a crow would be ashamed to look at, two angular dog ears flattened peacefully. Messy brown robes and golden jewelry decorated her body, straining against the drastic curves of her form.

Heavy breasts hidden under the thickest of blankets, a fat ass peaking out as she had wrapped herself in the bed like a mummy in her sleep. The heaving of her chest, the unkempt form, and the utter calm that washed over me when I entered the room told me everything I needed to know.

This goddess… was the sleepy nerd girl to Bast's snarky tomboy.

Oh, and this was also Anubis, Guide of the Dead and Weigher of Souls. How can I tell?

How the fuck could I not recognize a fucking jackal girl, even in the depths of the abyss she called a room? My animal-girl fetish knows no bounds.

"... Alright, what's the catch?" I asked the only conscious goddess in the room.

"Eh, you'd be her only child and have to pay me her rent for the last three months. Oh, and also get her the fuck out of my shop once you get your feet under you." Ah, I see what this is.

"She's incapable of functioning in the mortal world, and you don't have the heart to kick her out into the street despite how much of a freeloader she is?"

"Actually, I was getting ready to drop her off on that bench I found you on and let her fend for herself since she hasn't left her room let alone my store since she descended. Since you didn't wig out my senses, I decided to give one-last favor and make sure she wasn't completely helpless."

"Huh." I had nothing to say to that, but the burning in my soul begged to differ.

Transformation - Dark Beast - Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (600)

Roll Failed. +100 Points. Now at 400 points.

… Y'know, I'm not even mad about that. That power seems kind of shit, considering it seemingly doesn't come with an off button.

Still though, what the fuck is wrong with my luck? I'm usually cracked at Gachas.

Either way, I'm not so sure about what's happening right about now… but being realistic… I legitimately had nothing to offer to any worthwhile Familia, and considering I was jealous of Bell being Hestia's first and favorite…

Everything comes back to risk in the end. Chance for safety, all over again.

I took a breath, and focused on the important shit.

What do you have?

A deal with a Goddess to join another's familia.

What will you gain?

A Falna, the sole attention of a jackal girl, the opportunity to go dungeon diving… a burgeoning alliance/acquaintanceship with Bast.

What will you lose?

A massive chunk of my profits for the foreseeable future, my independence… or the goodwill of a divine tomcat.

God- or, well, Anubis- do I feel like a fucking politician right now.

… fuck, those only-child benefits better be raw as fuck.

"Well, at least it didn't take long to find someone…" I muttered under my breath, refusing to look at the smug cat in fear of fucking off just to spite her. I stepped over to the still sleeping figure of my soon-to-be-goddess, and placed a hand on her shoulder before gently shaking her awake.

My family loves sleeping in, so I've gotten used to easing people awake. Just a shaking motion to jostle the whole body to trigger the 'Oh shit earthquake' response.

And lucky me, she opens her big golden eyes and yawns- cracking her jaw so loudly I can hear it from here- before looking at me with a tired hum.

"Yo, Anubis. Can I join your-"

Suddenly I was being grabbed by my gut by the goddess, and nothing in life prepared me for this eventuality, causing me to freeze. Or maybe it was the wave of authority crashing over me as the goddess stared deep into my soul without looking me in the eyes.

As quickly as the weirdest moment of my goddamn life occurred, it ended with a retracted hand and a shrug beneath the covers.

I already regret this.

Name: Selah

Race: Human

Level: 1

Ability Scores:

STR: I - 0

END: I - 0

DEX: I - 0

AGI: I - 0

MAG:I - 0

Developmental Abilities:

Magic:

Skills:

Just remembering how blank my skill sheet is makes me want to curl up and cry…

No, wait, that's just the fact I'm about to take out a fucking loan. Common mistake.

The freshly burned stat sheet faded out of my mind as I entered the Guild, taking in the place where murder-fantasy met corporate workplace, and felt my sins crawling up my back as I took a place in line.

When I got to the end of that line, I was quickly pointed to a new line, where I sent to a private booth so I could do a stack of fucking paperwork away from the public so I didn't tear the place apart with my bare fucking hands.

Thankfully the foot tall stack of paperwork was mainly for Anubis, since I was registering a new Familia from the round up. But considering my goddess'... proclivities, I don't doubt she'd procrastinate this shit for as long as she could, keeping me from diving into the dungeon.

Filling out the paperwork filled me with a certain mindless focus as I put in whatever information it asked for in the hopes of ending this hell as quickly as possible. I only hesitated when I got the dreaded 'what kind of advisor would you like' question.

Because I wasn't sure if I could keep myself from just doing something funny-

Someone cute with a fat ass.

… Nah, I'm not that far gone. I definitely didn't contemplate writing that for a good fifteen seconds only to restrain myself. No siree.

Okay, for real, I needed an advisor that wouldn't comedically fuck me over like knife-ears behind the counter. So…

Competent, but not jaded enough to write me off as a dead man walking… with a fat ass.

I am not apologizing. Horniness is how I cope with oncoming trauma.

Pushing all of Anubis' paperwork to the side, I handed the paperwork to one of the soulless workers toiling away at this pale white building.

"I'd like a loan for armor and a weapon." A piece of me died as I spoke those words out loud, but despite the disgusted face I was making the… fuck there are unique names for the animal people here, isn't there.

As the vaguely familiar-looking dog-girl nodded pleasantly, with a shallow smile on her face, she quickly pointed out the motherfucker that would officiate the hole I was throwing myself even deeper into.

Ugh, the shit I deal with to avoid playing second fiddle…

By the time I got out, wearing a set of basic leather armor and armed with a couple of daggers- what little I know of the Dungeon says that the first few floors are claustrophobia-inducing stone caves, and I'd rather not accidentally get parried by a wall any time soon.

Anyway, like any government-mandated hellhole, by the time I escaped I'd lost my entire day by the glittering stars filling the sky before me.

Walking back to Blessed Balms in solitude, I went over all the things that happened today. I got dropped in a setting I didn't recognize, forced to become the unpaid babysitter/indentured servant of Bast and Anubis, and I went even further in debt.

…

Modus - Villainous Aura and Light Curses - Legend of Zelda: Four Swords (100 points)

Roll success! Purchased! 300 points remaining.

[Villainous Aura and Light Curses:] Sometimes it's best to work from the shadows so that by the time you finish up your evil plan it's too late to do anything about it. Other times, you want them to know about you, your plan, your army, their approaching doom, so on and so forth. That's where this comes in. You've learned quite a bit about curses, so much that they practically come as second nature to you. Shooting daggers with your eyes might not be possible, but if you tried it anyways they might come down with a case of bad luck and accidentally end up stabbing themselves. Even when you aren't ill wishing those around you, you put out an aura of sorts. It could be the wicked glee as you pull one over on the defenders of light, or the sheer malice you feel at being thwarted. The more magical power you have the more you can do with this, from simple bad luck and a vague sense of unease all the way up to leaving the hero unable to draw his sword from lack of strength and will and outright stripping a Great Fairy of her rank, or giving prophets nightmares about you simply from you being in the country.

Oh. Well then… fuck I hope this doesn't piss off the goddess who literally weighed my soul of karma hours ago.

A/N: What the fuck are these rolls