Chapter 8: A Lesson For This Nervous Teacher!

The morning sunlight filtered in through the curtains, bright and shining on this wonderful day! Yunyun walked up to her window and opened it wide, taking a deep breath of fresh air as she looked out over the lush green garden outside.

"Hello, world!" she called out. "What a beautiful morning!"

It felt a bit strange, to be on the inside looking out. She'd spent countless nights waiting outside this mansion waiting and biding her time to challenge her best friend Megumin to duels and challenges, the only way that she could get the shorter girl to hang out with her these days. But now, she was living here as a part of the party. Life could not have been sweeter.

Admittedly, she hadn't had a chance to do anything with the rest of her new party in the few days since the dungeon incident but that was okay. Kazuma hadn't kicked her out after finding out that Keima had invited her without permission so that was progress, at least. It was only a matter of time before she could make actual friends with the others and that was what mattered to her.

"Morning, Yunyun," a voice called out and the girl in question looked down to see one of her new party members outside. The valiant Crusader, Darkness, had been jogging through the yard as part of her morning routine.

"Good morning, Darkness," Yunyun said as the crusader ran up to the open window. "How are you today?"

"I'm alright," Darkness replied. "Just getting some exercise in, staying in shape. How about you?"

"I'm just so happy to be here," she beamed.

"I understand that." Darkness leaned up against the windowsill, completely ignoring the thorny rosebush in the way. "Finding a good party can be tough. It took me a long time to find one until my friend Chris finally convinced Kazuma and the others to take me in. Most adventurers tend to be a bit put off by my… personality, so finding good friends who've been able to accept me has been like a blessing from Eris herself."

"I see." Yunyun nodded. Even she wasn't so naive as to be unaware of Darkness' excentricities, or those of the other members of their party. But no one was perfect and people's so-called flaws were just part of what made them unique, right?

"So, what are your plans for today?" Darkness asked. "Kazuma doesn't like to have us go on quests so soon after the big ones like the other day, so we've probably got at least another week or so until we do anything as a full party."

"Well, I'm actually supposed to start training Keima on how to use magic today," Yunyun explained, blushing slightly. She wasn't sure that she was ever going to get used to the idea of having to be a teacher, especially not to someone who was several years her senior. "I-I don't have any experience with that sort of thing, though, so I'm not really sure where to start."

"I'm sure that you'll get the hang of it," Darkness reassured her. "You seem like a smart girl. Ooh, will you need something to practice on? I can serve as your training dummy! Feel free to cast all of your strongest spells on me, as much as you want!"

"W-what, no!" Yunyun gasped, completely taken aback at the suggestion. Whyever would she want to harm a friend in such a manner?

"Do not worry about my safety!" Darkness pounded a fist against her chest proudly. "My body can take anything that you can throw at me. I've even taken Megumin's explosions at full blast before and walked away to tell the tale. And as a Crusader, it is my honor and my duty to lend myself to the aid of my companions however they need me."

Yunyun still couldn't believe what she was hearing but Darkness seemed pretty confident about it. "I-I don't know about this but I guess you can help if you want to."

"Great!" Darkness smiled. "When do we start?"

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

Keima sat with his legs crossed in front of him on the lush green grass of the backyard, which was still wet with the morning dew. His hands twitched slightly at the lack of a game device in his hands but he was able to keep focused on the task at hand nonetheless. He was dressed in his adventuring robes with his wand grasped loosely in his right hand. Yunyun was standing in front of him nervously while Darkness knelt down to the side, an indecent look in her eyes, and Megumin watched them from a garden bench with a bag of snacks and a small black cat on her lap.

This was supposed to be his first formal lesson on how to be a wizard. So far, however, it was not off to a very good start.

"So, um, well, um, uh, oh, em, er…" His teacher had been reduced to a stammering mess and they hadn't even officially started yet. Keima couldn't say that he didn't see this coming, though. According to their agreement, these were just as much her lessons as his.

With a sigh, Keima stood up and walked up behind Yunyun, pressing his free hand against her back so that she straightened up. "Okay, first step. Make sure to keep your posture straight and firm. You need to try and project confidence if you want anyone to listen to you. Second, you need to be able to actually speak to the person you're trying to talk to. Let's start with a simple introduction. Who are you?"

"O-oh, I'm, uh-"

"Um!" Keima snapped loudly and unexpectedly, making the girl even more nervous.

"I'm… I'm... um-"

"Um!"

"W-what are you doing?" Yunyun stammered, shaking as Keima grabbed her tightly by the arms and held her tightly.

"One of the most important skills when it comes to teaching, public speaking, or any form of effective communication is to avoid 'filler noises'. Uhs, ers, and other such noises that your mind naturally uses to fill in the blanks when you have to think about what you're saying or are otherwise unsure. These noises make it sound like you lack confidence or clarity. I'm trying to make you more consciously aware of when you're doing it so that you can work on trying to eliminate them from your speech. Now, try again."

"Oh, um…"

"Um!"

"M-my name is, uh-"

"Um!"

"My name is Yunyun and I will be your instructor today!" she finally managed to burst out, though it looked like her knees were about to give out. Still, it was progress and Keima went back to take his seat on the grass in front of her. "Today, we will be, uh-"

"Um!"

"Today, we will be beginning your instructions on magic!" Yunyun yelled, her posture growing far too rigid. They were going to have to work on that later. "S-since you've already started learning intermediate spells, I was going to have you start by practicing the ones you've learned so far. But, since Darkness has… volunteered her services as a… training target… I think that we should start with just the basic-level spells before you work your way up to intermediate."

So that's why the Crusader was there. Keima wasn't looking forward to hitting her with his magic. Not at the idea of attacking a woman with arcane forces beyond mortal comprehension but because he knew that she was going to be getting off on it. He would have much preferred a straw dummy over a pervert dummy.

"My body is ready!" Darkness stood up and spread her arms out wide. "Hit me with everything you've got!"

Keima groaned as he got up, turning towards the panting knight. This was so degrading but it was too late to back out now. He held up his wand arm, pointing it toward her as he assumed a ready stance.

"Tinder."

A small flicker of flame popped out of the end, zipping through the air and lapping against Darkness' breastplate. She let out a soft moan as the fire quickly died out.

"O-okay, that was good." Yunyun walked up beside him.

"Create Earth."

A clump of dirt fell into Darkness' hair, which she barely noticed.

"Create Water."

The clear liquid burst out from the tip of his wand like a hose with poor water pressure, lightly splashing Darkness' face. She blushed slightly and Keima didn't want to know what was going through that perv's head.

"Wind Breath."

Darkness' hair swished back from the sudden draft.

"Freeze."

A bit of frost built up around her neck and Darkness shivered as she let out a soft moan, her eyes rolling back.

"This is just embarrassing." Keima shook his head before turning back to Yunyun's excited gaze.

"Those were pretty good," his instructor said. "Not very strong but that's to be expected from beginner-level spells. Let's try the intermediate spells you've learned so far, next."

"Use an Explosion!" Megumin yelled from her seat.

"No!" Keima yelled back, glaring at her from a distance from behind his glasses. Megumin pouted in response while the cat on her lap merely burped up a small flame, not paying attention in the slightest. Fire-breathing cats? Sure, why not? It's not like anything in Belzerg made sense.

"I wouldn't mind if you-"

"No!" Keima snapped at Darkness, turning his focus on her. "Fireball!"

A much larger flame was produced this time, slamming into Darkness like a cannonball of fire and knocking the Crusader back at least a meter even as she braced herself against the impact.

"Yes!" Darkness looked up at him excitedly. "Give me more!"

"Blade of Wind!" Keima felt his frustration reaching a boiling point as several spinning buzzsaw blades of solidified air arced through the space in front of him, tearing through the fabric of Darkness' clothes yet not harming the woman herself at all.

"Oooh, that really stung!" Darkness sounded far too happy as she said that, and Keima found himself with an intense urge to wipe that blissful smile off her face. "Just the way I like it."

"Um, m-maybe this is getting to be a b-bit much?" Yunyun stammered but Keima didn't pay her much attention.

"Freeze Gust!" Keima thrust out his wand again and a cloud of frigid fog billowed out from it, surrounding Darkness and encapsulating her in a thin sheet of ice that slowly grew over her entire body.

"Y-y-y-yes! Yes!" Darkness moaned through chattering teeth.

Keima growled, all thoughts drowned out except the need to attack the blonde Crusader. It was rather uncharacteristic of the boy to get this violent and later they would discover that Darkness had accidentally triggered one of her skills that drew in her opponents' attention and aggression towards her. Later was not now, however, and in the moment all Keima could think about was that his last spell would be exactly what he needed to finish her off.

"Lightning!"

"Wait, no, not that one!" Yunyun practically jumped onto Keima's arm to try and stop his spell but it was too late.

The blast of electricity shot out almost faster than the eye could see, a full lightning bolt striking Darkness directly in the center of her metal breastplate. Darkness shook violently, frozen in place for several seconds before finally falling backward, her hair standing out on end and her muscles spasming at random. At once, the fog over Keima's mind lifted and he realized with horror what he had just done.

"Darkness!" Keima ran over to her desperately, Yunyun and even Megumin catching up beside him. "Darkness, I'm sorry! Are you alright?"

He immediately regretted worrying about the lusty lunatic as he noticed the smile of pure, ecstatic bliss etched onto her face.

"That was wonderful!" she exclaimed, not making a move to get up. From the looks of it, she hadn't regained muscle control yet. "When can we do that again?"

Keima had to stop himself from kicking her. Knowing here, she'd like it if he did. Instead, he simply turned around, pretending that he didn't see the wet spot on her surcoat that he knew wasn't from his earlier water attack. Seriously, what was with this messed-up masochist?

"W-w-well…" Yunyun clearly wasn't sure how to react or even think about what had just transpired. Keima certainly couldn't blame her for that. "T-that was certainly, um, er… that was certainly quite powerful. I think that you might almost be as strong as a Crimson Demon."

"What, no," Megumin objected to that. "This loser isn't nearly on our level."

"Well, he still needs more training to catch up to us, of course, but the fact that he's this strong already when he's basically just started as an adventurer is impressive," Yunyun pointed out. "We've been training our whole lives to get where we're at."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Megumin's eyes trailed down to Darkness' rigid body, and her face blanched. "Wait, did you… Ew! I can't believe I just watched that. You guys are a bunch of sick perverts and freaks!"

The girl stomped off in a flustered fury and Keima wanted to do the same. Why, oh why, did he ever think that coming along to Belzerg would be a good idea? And why couldn't his associates just be normal?

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

Aqua and Elsie were in the middle of a very unladylike eating contest in the middle of the Adventurer's Guild's dining hall. Both girls were trying to wolf down as many pancakes as they could. All on Kazuma's bill, of course.

"Go! Go! Go! Go!" A crowd of onlooking adventurers cheered them on as Aqua took the lead.

There were already two piles of plates stacked up beside each girl and the waiting staff were continuing to bring more and more food to the ravenous goddess and demon. At the other end of the hall, Luna watched with a mixture of awe and revulsion as she idly finished some paperwork that she'd been meaning to get to. Also maybe more than a slight bit of envy, wishing that she could eat that much without having to worry about gaining weight. Was that one of the perks of joining the Axis Cult? Maybe she should consider joining… No! She was not repeating that weekend in Elroad.

Finishing up the last of the papers she had with her, Luna walked back behind the reception desk to file them away and grab some fresh forms to fill out. A guild master's job was never done, after all. She heard the front doors open as she was crouched under the desk and looked up to see who it was. She recognized the dark-haired young woman immediately.

"Sena?" Luna greeted her old friend. "Don't see you in here that often. What's up?"

She was in a casual dress instead of her uniform, which meant that it couldn't have been anything work-related. Sena walked up to the desk with an extra pop in her step and quietly adjusted her glasses before finally answering, a rosy tinge on her cheeks.

"I was, uh, just walking by and thought I'd drop in to say hi." Sena looked over at the commotion in the dining hall. "Is now a bad time? Because I can just leave and come back-"

"No, not at all," Luna assured her, hurrying around the desk. "I was just about to take my break, anyway. Let's go grab a drink at the bar and you can spill all the deets about whoever's got you high on cloud nine?"

"W-what?" Sena took a step back, scandalized. "I don't know what you mean!"

"Come on, girl, I know that look." Luna wiggled her eyebrows as they made their way to the bar, despite Sena's outward protests. "You got lucky last night! So, who's the lucky guy who managed to take you to Pound Town last night?"

Sena looked about ready to die right there on the spot as Luna gave the bartender their drink orders.

"I didn't… we didn't… I will have you know that my virtue remains safely intact!" she blurted out indignantly.

"Oh? Shame." Luna made a show of drooping her shoulders disappointingly but couldn't keep a straight face for long. "But seriously, what happened? I haven't seen you look this happy since that librarian guy you were into turned you down."

"Well." Sena looked nervously down at the mug that was now sitting in front of her. "I did, um, have a date last night. It was kind of spur of the moment but I think it went well. We didn't make plans to meet up again, though, so I was, uh, hoping to run into him here."

"Ooh, so he's one of the adventures, then?" Luna smirked over her mug. "Oh, is it the mohawk guy? I tried going out with him one time but he was a bit too 'soft' for my taste. Quite the poet, though."

"No." Sena glanced over to the cheering crowd. "Well, a couple of his party members are here."

Luna looked over as well, to see Aqua standing on the table and proudly declaring her victory in the eating contest before doubling over and… was she vomiting rainbows? Ugh, someone was going to have to clean that up and it certainly wasn't going to be her. She then blanched as the implication hit her.

"No," Luna gasped, dreed in her voice. "Please tell me that you don't mean Kazuma. You know he has a… reputation, for what he's like around women, right?"

"No, no! Not him!" Sena waved her arms frantically, dismissing that horrible thought. No one deserves a guy as nasty as Kazuma. "The other one, Keima."

"Oh." Luna nodded satisfactorily. She didn't know much about the new guy other than that he seemed like a loner, always obsessing over that magic box he carried around with him everywhere, but he seemed decent enough despite who he associated with. "Alright, then, so how did it… wait a minute, didn't I hear something about you arresting him yesterday?"

Sena looked like she wanted to shrink down and hide away from the world in her cup. "That's why I'm so embarrassed. I know I shouldn't have said yes when he asked me out but he was just so charming."

"Yeah, that sounds like my brother."

Both women turned to the younger girl who slumped onto the stool on Sena's other side and leaned on the counter.

"Ugh, I need something to wash that down." She raised a hand to catch the bartender's attention. "Cider, please."

"Ah, you must be Elsie," Sena greeted the new arrival. "It's nice to formally meet you."

Elsie chugged the entirety of her drink almost as soon as the bartender handed it to her and motioned for him to refill it.

"And you're the lawyer lady, right?" Elsie asked.

"Prosecutor," Sena corrected her. "But yes, my name is Sena."

"What did you mean when you said 'that sounds like my brother'?" Luna asked, leaning in closer. "Is he really that much of a charmer? No offense but he doesn't seem like the romantic type."

"Hey," Sena objected, "that's my maybe, possibly new boyfriend you're talking about."

"Pfft-hahaha!" Elsie burst into laughter after snorting some of her drink back up. "Ow, that hurt… but yeah, you're right. He never sticks his head out of his games unless you basically force him to. But when he tries, he can charm the pants off of any girl."

She looked up thoughtfully, pondering what she had just said for a moment while Luna and Sena both tried to digest that information.

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant." Elsie shook her head. "Well, he probably could if he wanted to but he never took anything past the first kiss, at least as far as I'm aware. But yeah, he managed to… seduce? That's the word, right? Yeah, he's managed to seduce over half a dozen girls since I've known him."

Sena stared at the girl in horrified shock. On the other hand, while Luna certainly felt sympathetic for her friend suddenly finding out that the guy she liked might be a 'player', as they say, she also couldn't help but crack up a little at the idea of the most asocial guy that she'd had to deal with being that successful with the ladies. If things didn't work out between him and Sena, she was half-tempted to try him out for a ride herself, even if her tastes usually veered a bit older and hairier than the young man.

"Impressive," she whistled. "But half a dozen girlfriends over his life isn't that odd, right?"

"But he said that you've only known each other for a few months." Sena stared off into space.

"Yep," Elsie confirmed cheerily before taking a long drink from her third mug of cider.

That… should have been unexpected but at this point somehow it wasn't that much. Luna was growing even more intrigued.

"Yeah, he mentioned that we were capturing runaway spirits, right?" Elsie asked, which meant nothing to Luna but Sena seemed to perk up a little. "That's how we'd do it. He'd get the possessed girls to kiss him, so that the spirits would be released by the sudden flood of intense emotion, then I'd snag 'em before they could run away again. The girls would pretty much forget the whole thing after that but I think at least a few of them still had some feelings for him left over."

"Right." Sena relaxed, the color returning to her. "He did mention that. And here I was, getting upset over nothing."

"Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that he's even into girls that way." Elsie mused over her fourth mug. Man, that girl could drink. "The only time I've ever seen him even pretend to be interested is when he needed something from them."

"What?" Sena's tone was like ice as her hands clenched so tightly around her cup that her knuckles were turning white.

"Yeah," Elsie continued, completely oblivious. "Now that I think about it, I seem to remember him telling me that he doesn't have any interest in '3d girls', just the '2d' ones from his games."

Sena looked about ready to explode and Luna knew that she had to clean up this mess before it could get any worse.

"I'm sure that's just the alcohol talking." She placed a comforting hand on her friend's shoulder. "That's some pretty hard stuff you're drinking, Elsie."

"Wait, they make cider with alcohol in it? I thought it tasted a bit different but I thought that was just whatever kind of apple they used." Elsie stared deeply into the half-empty mug, her eyes wide and contemplative. "Wait, can I even get drunk? I think this may require further testing. I know that Aqua likes it and she's a goddess, so it must be good."

Luna took that as a clear sign that the girl really was drunk (she wasn't). Sena didn't seem to notice, however, and was now trembling. She then stood up and slammed her hands down hard on the counter, nearly knocking over her cup.

"THAT RAT BASTARD!" Sena yelled at the top of her lungs. "I bet he was lying about making out with Kazuma, too!"

Luna had no idea how to respond to that. Elsie, though, apparently did as she burst out into laughter.

"He told you what?" She turned around back to the dining hall. "Hey, Aqua! You've gotta hear this!"

Sena dropped back into her chair and buried her face in her arms. Luna wasn't sure if it was from outrage or embarrassment. Probably both. She felt sorry for her friend, but at the same time, this was all too funny not to laugh.

"He's going to pay for this," Sena muttered under her breath, so quiet that Luna could barely even hear her. "He's going to pay."

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

Kazuma finally pulled himself out of bed at some point after noon, not particularly well-rested but content nonetheless. Now that the craziness was out of the way, he was (incorrectly) sure that things were back on track and that he'd be able to resume his easy life while mooching off his minions, er, party members. He pulled on his tracksuit and headed out of his room to… not seize the day so much as just passively observe it for a little while before going back to bed.

He found Keima, Megumin, Darkness and Yunyun sitting around the table in the dining room, playing a card game. Kazuma thought about joining in but it didn't look like there was any money on the line for him to win. What was the point if he couldn't exploit his absurdly high luck stat for profit?

"Mornin', gang," Kazuma said absently as he made his way over to the kitchen for a snack, but craned his neck as he walked by. "Helloooo, Darkness! What's the occasion?"

The knight flushed and squirmed, clad not in her usual Crusader gear but in one of those skimpy outfits she had bought, that scale mail bikini/Red Sonja cosplay from before. Kazuma was certainly very glad to see that she hadn't returned it like she said that she was going to.

"It turns out that being electrocuted can cause one to… lose control of their … faculties," Darkness looked down. "And I was out of fresh outfits to change into."

Kazuma just stared at her blankly, having absolutely no context of what she was talking about and not sure that he wanted to know.

"Keima hit her with a lightning spell and she pissed herself," Megumin translated, and both people in question seemed to recoil.

Kazuma decided that no, he really didn't want to know what this was about and went back to his pursuit of food. He pulled out a loaf of bread from the bakery just down the street from the Guild headquarters, cut a couple of slices out of it, and used a Tinder spell to toast them until they were both just the right shade of brown. He was more of a rice guy, but he'd learned how to make do with what was available. Add a bit of butter and jam, and he was good to go.

Before Kazuma could take a bite out of his food, though, the mansion's front door burst open and two highly irresponsible young women came staggering in, leaning on each other's shoulders.

"Look upon my worksh, ye wicked, and deshpair!" Aqua mumbled as she collapsed onto a couch.

Elsie made it a bit further, managing to reach the table where the others were playing and looking up at them. "Hey guy's, whatsh up?"

"Have you been drinking?" Keima looked down at her in surprise. It was unusual to see him so emotive. "What happened?"

"I won the eating contesht!" Aqua cheered as she managed to pry her face away from a couch cushion. "But then Elshie wanted to know if she could get drunk, sho he had a drinkin' contesht!"

"I won!" Elsie beamed. "And apparently, I can."

"That girl can hold her liquor like nobody'sh bushinessh!" Aqua declared proudly.

"I am the mashter of bubbly!" Elsie raised her arms in triumph, throwing herself off balance and falling onto her butt on the floor. "Ooh, ooh, hey hey hey! We heard this really funny thing earlier. I ran into that lawyer girl at the bar and she shaid that… um, she shaid… Aqua, what wash it?"

Keima paled as Aqua stumbled over to them, and Elsie went crosseyed as she tried to focus.

"Um… I don't remember," Aqua admitted.

"Huh, I guessh it washn't that important."

"Just go to bed." Keima looked like he was about ready to burst a blood vein. "Both of you."

Kazuma decided to just leave after that. He didn't want to be involved with whatever chaos the rest of his party was getting up to. He was just going to head back to his room to enjoy his humble meal and maybe enjoy a bit of quiet time before going back to bed. Whatever was going on was going to have to be a problem for Future Kazuma to deal with tomorrow.

Ko! * No! * Su! * Ba!

In the next exciting chapter of God's Blessing, God Knows: A Concert For This Empty Church!

A mighty rumble shook the landscape as the ruins of an old castle went up in flames, the sheer force of destruction and devastation unlike anything short of a natural disaster. This was a normal, almost daily sight in these regions, of course, and the source of the mighty meltdown slumped into the arms of her eternal rival now that her task for the day was complete.

Darkness, Elsie and Chris all shared a look before hurrying after her. It didn't take long before they reached it. Or at least, the building that seemed to be the old church. It was rather hard to tell, what with the being in complete disrepair at the moment. The old stone walls were chipped, cracked and covered in ivy. The roof looked like it was missing about half its shingles and a pair of possums were holding a wrestling match in the open doorway. It seemed clear that no one had visited this place in many years, possibly even decades.

"I swear, officers, I thought she was eighteen!" Cecily blinked a few times as she took in her surroundings and glanced between her four sudden guests. "I mean, welcome, my children! What brings you to the Axis Order on this fine, goddess-blessed day? Are you followers of Our Lady, or are you wrong? Because we can fix that easily, I should have some papers here somewhere…"

Author's Note: This chapter was completely improvisational and written in only two days. Well, that's not entirely true. I wrote the first couple paragraphs after struggling to come up with anything to write but quickly fizzled out. A few days later, I went back to it and the entire rest of the chapter just kind of flowed naturally from there.

I'm not used to writing anything as raunchy as this story gets. Most of what I've written up to now has been pretty much squeaky clean, but dirty jokes are a big part of Konosuba so I've been making myself throw them in here. It's kind of fun but also completely out of my wheelhouse. It's like I've got this constant tug-of-war going on in my head of 'I should take this even further' versus 'no, this is too much'. I can only hope that I'm striking the right balance.