Good Day Readers! Obviously, I do not own anything connected to the Persona series in general or Persona 5 specifically, I DO own Chiba Natsumi and Anais Ouvrard, along with Natsumi's immediate family members and the original Personas that will be showing up on occasion.
To MCRDanime, thank you for your review.
I would appreciate any responses that you have, please enjoy.
Chapter 23: - Finally Allowed to Cry
Even though the stress of waiting for Kamoshida to have a Change of Heart – or worse keel over and die but I'm not forgetting that it's probable – was hanging like a stone weight around my neck, all of us had to keep living normal lives. And as much as I might try to ignore today, I simply couldn't; after all, this was the day I hated the most out of the many days of the year.
Carding my fingers through my hair, I gently grazed the tips over the edge of the butterfly hairclip, I continued to walk towards the flower shop in the underground mall of Shibuya. Sighing heavily, I slipped my phone into my pocket – muted so I couldn't be disturbed – as I arrived at the shop. The young woman who ran the store gave me a wane smile as she held out a bouquet of lilies and yellow chrysanthemums that I had ordered for this day and I carefully adjusted the small black case bag that was hung across my shoulders. Leaving the mall, I began to morosely walk down the streets towards my destination, keeping my head low as I moved so that nobody would talk to me, I knew the way by heart now, so I didn't even need to keep my head up to look.
"Chiba-san?" Amamiya's voice sounded. I jerked to a stop and looked over at the boy, having not expecting to see him here, he was dressed differently to how I had previously seen him; he wore an unbuttoned black blazer over a cream sweater with black edging, blue jeans and brown, laced oxfords. "Are you okay?" Amamiya asked. Morgana popped his head out of the bag Amamiya was carrying and I spotted what was most likely concern in his blue eyes which echoed the emotion reflecting from Amamiya's grey irises.
"Please go away Amamiya-san, I want to be left alone," I requested. I turned away and tried to continue on my sombre walk, I really didn't want anyone who I knew to be near me today as this was something that I had to do alone; well, tried was the key word as the moment I tried to get away, a firm yet gentle warmth looped around my wrist which tugged me ever so carefully to a stop.
"You might want to be left alone, but I don't think you should be. You look really sad," Amamiya insisted. His tone was filled with concern and a stern note, I turned around to see his grey eyes being unwavering as he looked at me and his grip didn't even slacken once I turned to face him; there was no way I could escape from this situation without causing a scene and even though I wanted to be alone, the energy required to be alone now that I'd been seen just couldn't be scrounged up.
"Fine," I weakly stated. Amamiya's grip slackened, allowing me to pull my wrist free and I began to walk off with my hands cradling the bouquet, Amamiya easily fell into step beside me but he didn't say anything as I guided him down the pathways that I took every year to reach my destination; I glanced out the corner of my eye and saw he was looking ahead with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.
We arrived at the destination, a congregation of gravesites and I walked through the aisles until I came upon a single stone. It was as tall as the others were, this one holding a small bamboo vase that was currently empty of anything along with some holders for incense. On the face of the stone was a large kanji with smaller kanji around it, the smaller kanji read many different names, but my eyes were drawn to four in particular; those were Daichi, Cho, Hikaru, and Mirai whilst the large kanji read Chiba.
"I'll give you some privacy," Amamiya stated. I looked up and saw the ravenette boy moving away from me a good few grave sites before turning back around so that he could see me; he was well out of ear shot if I spoke quietly enough, but he was still able to see me. Ignoring the slight buoyant feeling in my heart at how considerate Amamiya was being, I turned back to the grave and stepped closer.
Sliding the bouquet of flowers free of the wrapping, I slid them into the bamboo vase, removing from the wrapping a few sticks of sandalwood incense I had put in there I quickly lit them with a lighter. Slotting them into the holder, I stood up and pulled out a bottle of water and gently poured the water over the gravestone.
"Hi Papa, hi Mama, hi Hikaru-niisan, hi Mirai-neechan," I greeted my family. I reached out to gently rest my fingertips against the wet stone, feeling the dampness transferring to the skin; I never really knew what to say after this point, do I talk to them about my life and how things were going? It wasn't like I could ask for any advice, after all it wasn't like the dead could speak and solve issues.
"Would you mind if I asked what happened?" Amamiya asked. I pulled my hand away and turned to find the boy looking down at me, having returned to stand at my side although now that I looked at him, I realised there was a distinct lack of movement within his bag and no sign of the cat he'd previously been carrying about, when and where had Morgana disappeared? "Chiba-san, what happened to your family?" Amamiya clarified. I turned my gaze from him to focus on the gravestone.
"An accident, three years ago. They were coming to pick me up from a school club and that was when some drunkard in a truck ploughed into them," I answered. My tone was steady as I spoke, empty of all possible feeling as I kept my green eyes staring right at the block of grey stone, another symptom of my uncle's cruel words striking at my heart and rendering it dead to everything but him.
"Chiba-san, I'm no expert on feelings, but I do know that you shouldn't be talking like this… as if this isn't anything than an awful tragedy," Amamiya protested. I almost felt like scoffing at his words, how else was I meant to act? Their death was a numb point for me, there was no other way for me to react to it beyond this emptiness. It had been the only thing I could think to react without that memory haunting me like the virus it had become.
"I am not allowed to cry. I am not allowed to cry for my loss, that was what I was told by my uncle," I stated. Because no matter how much I had grown since freeing Phantom to the point of expression positive and negative emotions with more ease, I was still cruelly bound by the shackles that my uncle had wrapped around my heart on that day, I still could not link my heart with other people.
"Chiba-san," Amamiya spoke. His voice sounded odd, kind of hard and cold, but before I could think more about it a hand seized my arm and forcibly turned and dragged me so that I was facing Amamiya who – despite his glasses – had such a furious look in his eyes that I actually felt a little scared. "That is utter nonsense! Whoever this uncle of yours' is, you should never listen to him! You were thirteen! A child! And you had just lost your entire family! You have every right to cry!" Amamiya lectured. His tone hadn't risen any higher than when he was delivering orders as Joker, but I felt like the words hit harder now… maybe because on this side, the boy was always so soft and quiet.
"Every right?" I repeated. No one had ever told me it was alright to cry, that expressing my sorrow through tears was a perfectly natural thing to do; I had been in shock until Uncle Masayoshi had shown up and proceeded to thoroughly stomp my heart into the dust, but now someone who barely knew me was telling me it was alright. That not only was it was fine for me to express sadness, but it was well within my rights to do this. The words that Takamaki had spoken to me the other day, pleading for me not to hide away from my pain also rattled through my skull.
"Yes, Chiba Natsumi, you can cry," Amamiya softly encouraged. That seemed to be all my heart needed to hear, because the moment those words settled into my mind, the burning sting of tears that I kept holding back for three years rose like a tsunami and tumbled over my eyelids; whether on instinct or choice I leaned into Amamiya as my mouth opened with choked sobs and wails escaping it.
All the while, Amamiya said nothing, but his arms were curled around my torso to keep me upright and his head rested atop mine as my tears poured into his shoulder.
*Persona 5 Royal*
It had taken a while for me to calm down but once that had happened, we relocated to Yoyogi Park, a rather sizeable park located in Shibuya, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom with the pretty petals drifting down to coat the surface of the lake that sat in front of us. We were sat down on a bench in silence, Amamiya's jacket was draped over his lap seeing as it had a damp spot from my tears, I was currently replenishing the fluid I had lost by having a drink of water.
"I'm so-," I began to apologise. However, before I could express any more, fingertips pressed against my lips which effectively silenced me; I looked into Amamiya's eyes and saw that he was giving me a rather stern look as if he was annoyed that I had attempted to apologise to him, for soaking his jacket and using him as a crying post.
"Don't apologise Chiba-san. You needed to let it out, that's more important that my jacket getting a little damp," Amamiya insisted. He then proceeded to pull his hand away from my lips and I looked down a little embarrassed about being reprimanded, even if it was done rather kindly, for something that I had thought he'd see as an inconvenience when that had been completely wrong in the first place. "Now then, care to explain this uncle situation to me?" Amamiya asked.
"Not much to explain, my father was an only child and all of my grandparents from both sides are deceased. He was my only blood relative left and he took me in after my family died. But he isn't exactly the kindest individual, he's never beaten me or anything but, what he said on the day they died and everything after… honestly it made me think I was dead inside since I seemed so incapable of expressing my emotions, as if I'd lost my heart somewhere," I explained. It had been something was I scared of, in fact on some level I was likely still afraid of it.
"You do know that's nonsense, right?" Amamiya asked. I lifted my gaze to look at him, seeing that he was staring at me with a perplexed look on his face that seemed to contain a trace of fear in his eyes. "You're not lacking a heart; I've seen that several times. You were worried about me and Sakamoto-san in the Palace. You've shown how determined you are, how kind you can be. There's nothing emotionless about you Chiba-san," Amamiya softly argued. I pulled a jean clad leg into in chest and draped my arms around it as if I was giving it a hug. "Is that why you think you aren't capable of empathy?" Amamiya inquired.
"Maybe. Sometimes, when I look at people, I can't comprehend what they're talking about or why it makes them laugh, cry, smile or get angry… but there are times when I know exactly how that person is feeling, like at the hospital with Takamaki-san and Suzui-san, but when that happens, it's only ever bad things I understand," I admitted. A soft sigh came from beside me, but it seemed Amamiya didn't know what to say in response to my words this time around.
We simply remained sat beside each other in silence as I looked around the park. Moving the bag I carried into my lap, I proceeded to unzip it and extract the camera from within. It was an old camera but then again it had been my sister's last birthday present and one of the few things I'd managed to save from my uncle's ruthless purge. She'd always loved taking pictures of things, so it was one way of keeping her close to me. I looped the strap around my neck and proceeded to stand up while turning the device on.
I raised the viewfinder to my eye and peered through it as I lightly repositioned myself in order to capture the best view. Light slanting just right to dapple the blush pink petals that decorated the gleaming water, but not enough for the light to reflect off the water and start blinding me. A quick depression of the button captured the image forever, lowering the object I felt mildly better but then I always did after taking a single photograph on this day.
"Do you enjoy photography?" Amamiya asked. I turned around to face the boy, his head tilted slightly to the side and his eyes gleaming in the light, the glasses on longer obscuring the steel irises; I suddenly raised the camera and quickly snapped a photo of the boy, causing him to blink his eyes rapidly in surprise at my sudden move… actually I was quite surprised by the move myself, I hadn't expected to suddenly feel the urge to photograph the ravenette.
"I… I don't actually know. Photography was always my sister's passion while mine was-," I began to admit. However, I clamped my mouth shut, stunned that I'd been about to confess to my singing ability to someone I barely knew; Amamiya might have been nothing like Ouvrard or my uncle, but I still wanted to keep that secret close. And yet, there was something about Amamiya that seemed to draw one to him, to encourage a trust between the two of us. "I had other interests, but after Mirai passed, this was one of the things I managed to save," I admitted.
"Managed to save?" Amamiya repeated. He stood up and moved to stand in front of me and gently rested his surprisingly slender fingers on the backs of my hand. "Did he take everything else from you?" Amamiya asked. His tone edged with that steel that was so common to Joker's commanding tone, it was almost making me wonder if the boy had a multiple personality disorder, or if he was burying his true personality within Joker and creating this facsimile to not suffer as he already had.
"No, I have other things, but a lot was taken from me, including their pictures. I can't even remember what they look like," I admitted. Tension appeared within Amamiya's muscles as I said those words, I was probably going to have to watch that I didn't mention my uncle's name in front of him; even if my uncle didn't have a Palace, Amamiya might just find him and well, Amamiya seemed to possess a strong moral compass which might just lead him to confront my uncle and that would end badly for the ravenette. "By the way, apologises for the sudden photo-op," I stated. A small smile cracked across Amamiya's severe countenance.
"It's no problem, Chiba-san, but why exactly did you decide to randomly take a picture of me?" Amamiya asked. He proceeded to step back and a smile that was rather different to the small one from before appeared on his lips; I think it almost had a teasing edge to it. "Did I look that good or something?" Amamiya wondered. Oh, that was definitely a teasing edge to his lips, no question about it after those words.
"I felt like it, it's as simple as that," I answered. A small teasing edge laced my voice as I said those words, Amamiya proceeded to chuckle which caused a deep sound to echo around us; he looked lighter and happier in that moment, as if the burden he was carrying around had been briefly lifted from his shoulders. He stopped laughing and instead looked at me with a serious gleam within his eyes.
"I really don't believe you have lost your heart, but if you want, I can help you find your heart Chiba-san," Amamiya offered. I was surprised by the words that had come out of his mouth as I hadn't expected such a thing to be extended; true Amamiya had proven himself to be a kind and open hearted individual, but to decide that he would help me in something as almost crazy sounding as searching for a lost heart…
"Thank you, Amamiya-san. You are quite the blessing of a person for me to meet. I'm glad that our gravity brought us to meet each other," I admitted. Naturally, Amamiya looked confused and I began to laugh lightly at the rather adorable cocked head expression he was shooting me.
*Persona 5 Royal*
After the discussion between myself and Amamiya which had ended with a rather odd but sweet promise, I had set off back to my home as Amamiya went about doing whatever he had initially been about to do… and probably tracking down his wayward cat. I was looking at the picture of Amamiya that I had taken on my sister's camera and smiling at the memory of his teasing, before I slipped it away as I had finally reached my home.
Standing outside my home, I felt an odd urge and proceeded to pull my phone out of the pocket. I quickly opened it up and moved towards my contacts portion of the phone, finding Amamiya's name I proceeded to press the call button and lifted it to my ear. As the connecting tone made its' sound, I twirled my fingers within the black fabric of my blouse, feeling a nervous flutter bouncing around my stomach at a hundred miles of hour and my mouth was running a bit dry as my mind spun around a bit. The connection was made and that sound caused me to jump slightly.
"Um… hello Amamiya-san, I'm sorry to have disturbed you," I greeted. My fingers started to twist even more rapidly within my blouse and I felt my stomach churned even stronger, what in the blazing Velvet Room had possessed me to suddenly call Amamiya despite having spent time with him earlier today? Especially as he had helped me so much, but maybe that was why? I wanted to ensure he was alright after he had been so kind towards me earlier.
"Hello Chiba-san, it's no problem at all. Are you okay?" Amamiya's soothing voice came back. His voice had such a nice quality to it, my nerves suddenly started to relax as my fingers finally stopped messing up my blouse and I relaxed even more as I slipped into the building, completely ignoring its' typical quiet in exchange for the boy I was currently talking to.
"I'm okay. I actually just wanted to check on you," I admitted. A sound escaped from Amamiya's side of the phone which caused a small smile to curl upon my lips as I moved about to make a cup of tea. "You helped me out a lot today, I actually feel a lot lighter after having gone through that. I bottled up my feelings for a long time and I never imagined it would be so freeing to express my sorrow. I just want you to know that you can lean on me as much as I leaned on you today," I explained.
"I…," Amamiya spoke. He suddenly fell silent and I worried that I had said something to upset him, especially when he drew in a shaky breath. "Thank you, Chiba-san. As you know, I came here with nothing so it… it actually means a lot that you're reaching out in such a manner. I might take you up on that offer. But I'm still going to help you find your heart you know," Amamiya admitted. A slight fluttered feeling appeared within my heart as I smiled lightly, glad to know he might just be willing to open up to me as I had to him.
"Well, if you ever want to talk, I'm happy to meet up in Yoyogi Park again," I insisted. Amamiya had suffered something awful, something no one should have endured and he'd been completely removed from anything familiar then abandoned within a place so jarringly different with a burden that haunted him; the both of us had lost something in a manner that was wrong, the magnitude might be different but we could at least connect and understand each other on through that loss and perhaps even more.
"Alright, let me know if you ever want to talk and that's where we'll meet," Amamiya responded. With that, our call ended, I looked over at my bookcase and focused on Shadowed World, me and Amamiya had already found common ground, it was just building on that common ground and not allowing our differences to tear us apart. It be nice to have a friend again after so long, with that thought in mind I picked up my tea alongside some biscuits and curled into my couch and picked a different name to call this time.
"Hi Takamaki-san, I was wondering if… if your offer to open up was still available?" I asked. A cheerful response from the blonde girl caused my lips to curl into a gentle smile.