Tonight, I find myself alone, standing on the stone balcony of the grand palace in Arrakeen where my father once stood. The sun has set, and the desert before me is draped in a blanket of darkness, hiding the stains of blood from both Harkonnen and Fremen from sight. The scent of spice still hangs in the air, disturbed from its settled place by the hundreds of bodies falling onto the sand a few hours ago. So many lives have been lost here.
I close my eyes and listen. I can hear the sound of voices in the palace, familiar voices, my mother, Gurney Halleck, Stilgar and so many others echoing around the large stone halls. Their tone is laced with both excitement and confusion, tied together with triumphant exhilaration. They are celebrating a victory tonight, but it's a shallow, hollow victory, held together with fragile fanaticism and delicate faith. I can feel everything that they are feeling, all their emotions floating around like a great storm, waiting for that first big explosion of lightning to be set free. It's deafening.
Closing my eyes, I let the wind blow through my hair, feel the slight sting of spice on my face and focus my thoughts inward to calm myself. Inside of that darkness, I see a flash of blue and reach out for it desperately. As my fingers touch it, the soft silk material finds its way into the palm of my hand, and I grasp it tightly, holding it to my chest. The scent of spice and sand fills my head, bringing with it memories of your gentle touch and more embrace. You've worn this scarf many times; entwined in the long flowing locks of your hair, or in more savage times, tied tightly around your arm like a badge of honor. It reminds me of the blue waters of my home, Caladan, and the peaceful tranquility that I know I can never return to.
As I look out over those dark waves of sand, over the vast greatness of the desert, I find my hands are shaking, and reach out for the stone rail for support. "Here I am, and here I will remain." My father's words ring out in my ears, a painful reminder of his life, a life forfeited to greed and gluttony, and I am suddenly filled with a paralyzing, mounting fear. I now command a hundred thousand fanatical Fremen, willing to gladly throw their lives down for me, to step away from all that they know and love, to follow their mystical Muad'dib, to the ends of the universe, but inside, I now feel weaker and more vulnerable than ever.
When I stood amongst your people and our enemies tonight, I felt stronger than ever; I was more than the son of a Duke, more than the Bene Gesserit's plaything. I had transcended my own existence, and for the first time in my life, I felt my feet on the golden path, and could see it winding through my existence all around me. This was an intoxicating cocktail of souls from countless others who have walked the path before me, filling me with their knowledge of thousands of years. I heard all their lies, all their deception and felt sorry for them, for they were missing the one true emotion that gave a person true power, love. Knowing this, I accepted the twisted, cruel power that they so freely offered me. It was thrilling to know that at that moment, I commanded the entire room. Everyone worshipped me, looked at me, saw the man that Paul Atreides had become and feared me. The pools of blood forming at my feet from Feyd's corpse was testament to the strength that I had attained. I looked down into those shimmering dark pools and saw my own future. A legion of thousands, shouting my name, worshipping me, calling my name out as they took one life after another, each one a glorified sacrifice to their beloved Muad'dib. Rivers of blood flowed through valleys of flaming bodies, piled high, reaching to the heavens, set aflame to erase them from existence while my name was chanted in fevered song around the pyre, and I would be the one to ignite the flame that would consume everything.
I was drowning, lost in the sea of sand, slipping under the dunes and being dragged down to a hell from which I cannot escape. My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest, I struggled to breathe. The spice, all this was happening because of the spice. Even now, in this room, I can smell it in the air, feel it on my skin, taste it on my lips. Men would kill for this. Somehow, I had to stop it, stop everything.
The vision that had come to me so quickly, in the space of a heartbeat faded away from my eyes, leaving me with a clear vision of what had to be done. I would end this, so that you and I could be free. The emperor's eyes were filled with such hatred and despise as I called for his daughter. I could see such hatred there, such loathing for me and my family, and I cared nothing for it. This was the man who had taken everything from me, including my father. I was in my own right to take something precious from him. Behind him, she shifted; the layers of her silver lined gown swirling around her slender frame as the imperial façade she was so proud of was momentarily shattered by my demand for her hand in marriage. The room itself gasped, as the quiet murmurs of royal houses and the Fremen filled the air with their shock at my request. I knew exactly what my demand had done to them, I was prepared for the consequences of my actions. This was the way.
They shouted my name in praise, pumped their fists up to the sky in honor as I exiled the leaders of the great houses back to the stars and with one single breath, sentenced the great houses to annihilation. I was the master of my own fate, I wrote my own destiny, I was invincible…until I turned around and saw that you were gone.
That is when my soul shattered. People were moving around me, speaking to me, patting me on the back, praising their new Messiah, but I could see nothing except the emptiness in the crowd where you had been. It left a hole in my heart and a tear in the cosmos, a fresh, bleeding wound that could not be staunched, leaving me lightheaded and dizzy. The entire world spun before me, like a child's toy skittering across the floor, moving just out of reach. The crowd swelled, their chanting and cheering filling my head with a painful cacophony that threatened to crack my skull open.
I looked to Gurney, to Stilgar, the men that I had respected, hoping that one of them could see my pain, and whisk me off to some secluded chamber to let me have a moment of peace, but both were too caught up in the moment, in their success and vanquishing of the enemy. Their pride was so overwhelming that it blinded them to see anything but the small victory we had just attained. If only they knew of my soul suffering.
Then I saw her, my mother. Not the woman who had given birth to me, but the Reverend Mother that she had become, a sacrifice that she had made for me to fulfill my destiny, and I knew that she could feel my pain. She never cared for you, Chani, and I could tell that from the very slight, almost undiscernible smile on the corner of her lips, that she was pleased that you were gone. Those blue within blue eyes almost dared me to act on my emotions. To her, this was another test, nothing more. If I failed, I'd lose everything. This is the beginning of something greater than us both, and this is a very fragile time. My love for you is so strong, it flows through me like grains of sand carried on the desert wind, but I needed to be stronger, I needed to send it away.
So now I stand here, looking out to the horizon, at the clouds of sand sprouting up in the distance, my heart aching for you. They told me that you left the palace and walked into the desert, headed for a sietch somewhere far off in the South. Even though you are far away, I can still feel your hand in mine, your body pressed against me. I exist in two places now, here, and wherever you are. I want to cry, but I know I can't. Tears are the currency here, made to repay a debt of pride from our fathers. They are the water that keeps us alive and keeps us moving forward. The single tear that you shed for me, Chani brought me back from the dead, from oblivion and the darkness of a thousand exploding stars. The water of life took my life, and your tear brought it back.
My first steps on Arrakis were that of an innocent, naïve young man, unprepared and unconvinced of a prophecy that would await him. On the night when we escaped the Harkonnen's, my mother and I stood on the edge of Arrakeen, watching the city be consumed in flames and I knew that the innocence that I once had was gone. It evaporated into the night sky on the twisting plumes of dark smoke. I couldn't see anything but despair and darkness, I was lost…until I found you. You, Chani, made me see that there were miracles here in the most desolate of places.
Our paths have parted now. An endless desert stands between us. I feel the winds shifting, blowing the spice saturated sand in a new direction as the sun rises. It's so beautiful. I wish you could be here with me to see this. You have opened my eyes to such magnificent, breathtaking sights, wonders of this world that very few will ever see, but all these things, the love that you've given me is the most glorious thing that I have ever experienced in my life. I am not only going to change the world, Chani, I am going to make a glorious new one in my father's name, one where we can be together, the two of us, watching the sun set over the dunes, every single night, painting the canvas of sky with its fantastical brilliant colors until the air grows cold.
I know that you will never hear these words. I've spoken them into your footsteps in the sand, hoping against hope that they will find a way to you. As the new day dawns, I hear the voices of the Fremen call for me in the old language, waiting for guidance and I must go to them. I've been asleep for so long, and now it is time for the sleeper to awaken. Paul Atreides is gone. I am Lisan al Gaib. The voice from the outer world.
One last look into the desert, to the place where you are, and I know I must go. I can see you in my mind, standing on a dune, blue headscarf whipping in the wind. I whisper your name and you turn around for a moment, to gaze longingly at Arrakeen, and I can see one single tear escape your eye before the sand starts to tremble and you disappear into a dust cloud. No matter what happens now, I want you to know that you've given me your love, when I needed it the most, standing by my side proudly, never wavering, believing in me even when I could not. For that, I will love you for as long as I breathe.