YOU MAENAD LIKE ME WHEN I'M DRUNK

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Fretting."

"Oh, how can you even tell."

"Because, Granger, if given the option of being useless or obnoxious, you are likely to choose both. And your ineffectual hand wringing isn't as silent as you think."

"That's ridiculous. I'm making no sound and your back is turned. You're just being ornery."

"Others would say perceptive."

"If you weren't so preoccupied I'd argue. But research wins out, Professor. I'll try not to fret as you complete your mortal task."

"A vow of silence? The angels weep in relief."

"I didn't say silence. I said I wouldn't fret."

"Semantics."

"How many flower buds are left to neutralize?"

"I detect something dangerously close to alarm in your voice."

"I'm not alarmed, just... concerned."

"A synonymous statement."

"Do you have enough nullifying solution? Is your applicator still working smoothly? I would be happy to double check the ones you've already—"

"This inane chatter is not conducive to concentration, Granger. I'll thank you to shut up and keep still."

"If you miss even one, the toxic spores will kill is both, so pardon me for—"

"I assure you I'm well aware of the ramifications of failure."

"You never answered my question. How many are left?"

"Several dozen."

"I can't believe the sarcophagus is almost open. After all this research, and waiting, and tracking, and digging. Just one silly little tangle of venomous vines and then answers at last. Finally I can begin to unveil the mysteries of this ancient tomb."

"Bully for you."

"Bully for us. Aren't you interested?"

"I have been court ordered to carry out this procedure, so whether or not I'm interested is hardly relevant."

"You received one owl from the Ministry requesting your expertise and assistance. Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm employed by a government funded school so pardon me for not dismissing the hand that feeds me. And how dare you take such an informal tone."

"I rather thought crypt breaking might make us something closer to colleagues."

"Don't say 'crypt breaking' like it's a sanctioned activity."

"Surely even you find this exciting."

"This isn't exactly how the job was advertised to me, was it?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Your Ministry letter solicited a consultation on mysterious fungi. It did not enumerate the dismemberment of man-killing flora."

"Person-killing flora. I would imagine it's not exclusive. And don't roll your eyes."

"How would you know."

"Because, if given the option of being sour or contemptuous, Professor, you are likely to choose both."

"Your lack of ingenuity in the realm of aspersions is uninspired, Granger. Surely the know-it-all of the mythic ages can carry a better tune than repeating my own tired turns of phrase."

"This is ridiculous. I'm not trading insults with you. You need to concentrate and I need to stay alert. Nothing in my readings indicates that this tomb is anything diabolical and may actually house the buried remains of a jolly sounding fellow. But still... I didn't like the looks of the chambers we passed through as we entered."

"So you've mentioned."

"It's hard to tell. There does appear to be some sort of dormant mechanisms in the archways. And with this booby trapped plant I can't help feeling like we could be in for some trouble if we trip an unknown catch."

"That's a comforting conjecture. I thought you did your research?"

"I did, but one can't account for everything. This is exploratory science after all."

"Belly deep in an ancient tomb with nothing but a lark and a song to guide you. Sounds like the usual slapdash Ministry work at its finest."

"You really are in rare spite, Professor. I swear you were almost civil to me the last time we spoke two summers ago. And you really are harping on about this being a Ministry occupation. Are you upset I didn't pursue a potions career?"

"Hardly."

"You're not even the least bitter?"

"Difficult though it may seem, I imagine my trade will recover the loss of your no doubt luminary contributions."

"Jest all you want. I heard from Professor McGonagall that my final exam scores were better than yours."

"You had the clear advantage of superior tutelage. If I had been blessed with myself as a teacher, I'm certain I would have exceeded well beyond your pitiful measure."

"Such humbleness, Professor. Should I applaud to keep your spirits up?"

"Humbleness is an idiotic expression. Why pretend not to know one's own worth?"

"I don't necessarily disagree with you, actually."

"You don't necessarily disagree. Careful, Granger, I may faint."

"Anyway, you have no excuse for being slighted that I chose a Ministry path. After my summer internship with you I immediately petitioned for full apprenticeship but you turned me down flat."

"Of course there were no other Potions Masters in the world you could have approached."

"I suppose. But, to tell you the truth, I... preferred you."

"I would prefer me too but we can't always get what we want."

"Well, that's the last time I extend you a compliment."

"Can I have that in writing?"

"You're an ogre."

"Enough talking. I've finished."

"Already? Are you certain?"

"Don't do me the indignity of doubt, Granger. If I say I have, that's the end of it. Now, go on. Open your little box so we can gather what you're after and leave."

"You want me to do the honors of pulling off the scary killer vines, I see. Worried you made an error?"

"I do not make errors."

"Of course not."

"But if something unexpected is to leap out of that coffin from the pits of hell, I'd rather you were standing in its path so as to allow me the adequate time to flee."

"Who says chivalry is dead."

"Now, Granger. My patience wears thin."

"Yes, alright. Stand aside."

"Careful..."

"Really would be most useful if I could take care of this with a simple vanishing charm."

"You're the one who told me this tomb is resistant to vanishing and disapparation."

"It is."

"Then why say what you already know."

"Just lamenting."

"How droll."

"I've almost got this lid open..."

"Push harder."

"It's heavy! You know, if you assisted, we could make quicker work."

"Blast it all, fine then. On my count, Granger. One... two... three."

"Get back!"

"Don't scream."

"What was that?

"I haven't a clue."

"It looked like... a spell of some kind."

"A curse more likely."

"It seemed to pass through us both. Did you feel anything? I feel... I feel strange..."

"That's the least of our troubles, it appears."

"Oh, dear."

"The doorway..."

"It's sealed. Drat. I can't see a way to open it. I assume unlocking charms won't be of any use. We could try a blasting hex but I worry the ricochet would not be pleasant..."

"Granger, I feel that now would be a good time to mention that the flowers you so casually discarded are not actually dead."

"What do you mean?"

"Upon death they release their spores, so I have merely put them to sleep. This is a temporary state."

"How long before they're... er... not asleep?"

"Perhaps two hours. Maybe less."

"Do you have more nullifying solution?"

"Not a drop. My measurements were, as always, precise."

"Double drat. My assistant, Colin, was supposed to be with us this evening but he got called away at the last minute for another project. He's sure to come looking for us but not until the morning."

"So in the most blatant terms, we are trapped in an underground crypt behind doors sealed with no obvious escape, cursed by an unknown spell and two hours away from this room filling with a fatal toxin."

"...It is a predicament."

"I should have known. Never answer a Ministry owl, Severus, no good ever comes of it. I swear anything to do with you and your wretched friends always ends in disaster."

"You're not exactly danger-averse yourself, Professor. In fact, you do... you do attract a kind of... mh... I'm sorry, I don't remember what I was saying."

"That curse. You said you felt it."

"Yes, I... Well, it's difficult to explain. It isn't unpleasant. Don't you feel it too? You... you look different."

"Elaborate. I feel unchanged."

"Surely you're lying. You look... you look so..."

"What is it? Spit it out."

"Handsome."

"I beg your pardon."

"Oh, this sounds silly, I don't know, we have more pressing things to worry about, I'm just... I..."

"Come closer, Granger. Closer. Stop fidgeting. Look up at me. Your pupils are very dilated. What are you seeing?"

"I've told you."

"Your cheeks are flushed. Are you feverish?"

"No, I... You really don't feel anything?"

"Must I continue to repeat myself. I feel nothing, now back away. If you're infected I'd rather not risk exposure."

"Your concern is breathtaking, Professor."

"Simple pragmatism, Granger."

"I suppose in that case I may as well look around. If I've already caught whatever this is, what's the worst that could happen?"

"I could catch it. So be wary not to spring any more traps, foolish girl. In the meantime I'll assess this door in the very likely event you've missed an obvious release."

"That's odd..."

"What is?"

"Inside the sarcophagus. There's no body at all. Just a stone tablet. A relief of sorts. Looks like.. depictions of... Bacchus, I think. Maenads. They're all drinking."

"That's what they do, I suppose."

"Oh!"

"What?"

"There was a sound when I touched the tablet, didn't you hear it?"

"A sound?"

"And look!"

"Where?"

"Behind the sarcophagus. In the wall, there's a small alcove that's opened."

"Please tell me it's something to release the door. A catch? A lever?"

"No, it's..."

"What?"

"Cups."

"Cups?"

"Goblets, really. Two of them. Do you think..."

"Don't—"

"What?"

"Touch them."

"...Too late."

"What have you done now?"

"Nothing. Only, the goblets are... filling up with some kind of liquid. Interesting bit of magic. It smells like... wine."

"You're not serious."

"Do you think we're meant to drink? Like the Maenads in the picture?"

"I will certainly be deferring to an age-old strategy of caution."

"What's that?"

"You first."

"Ha-ha. Very cute."

"Go on then, Granger, drink up. If we're both to die, I'd rather you expire now so that I might at least enjoy these final hours in peace."

"Here goes nothing, I suppose..."

"And?"

"Yeesh. It's definitely wine. Hm... Rather nice, actually... A bit fruity... Hint of peach..."

"Budding sommelier, are you?"

"I'm noting observations as they occur to me just like any self respecting researcher. And I swear, that brooding stare of yours is not helping the situation."

"Brooding stare?"

"Yes, the way you're standing over there like some gothic man of intrigue, all enigmatic and aloof, dark eyes smoldering."

"Stop describing me."

"Stop seducing me."

"Merlin save us, what is wrong with you."

"I'm doing my part to get us out of here! This mystery wine seems innocuous and non-lethal so far. Do you think we're meant to drink all of it? May as well, I suppose. Though, this is rather a lot... Care to indulge, Professor? We both know you could do with some loosening up..."

"What exactly is this curse on you? Your behavior is even more unfathomable than usual."

"If you don't know then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

"Petulance is a poor color in you, Granger."

"You're hardly a man to consult on colors of the world. Anyway, my wine's all finished and I haven't dropped dead. Your turn."

"Very well. Hand it here..."

"The whole glass down in one! My, my, you are the professional."

"Shut up."

"Look, we've done it! The door's opened."

"Yes... and into another chamber sealed just like the first."

"Oh Heavens, more wine do you think?"

"The goblets have inexplicably refilled so I suppose that's an indication."

"Could be worse punishments."

"Speak for yourself. This has been the longest night of my life."

"Hm... I'm detecting a snag."

"Yes. The wine..."

"It's refilling. Every time I sip, more takes its place."

"What tripe. What nonsense. What inconceivable bullocks. This is the most ridiculous trap of dundering codswallop ever created. Keep drinking until we piss ourselves, is that the answer?"

"Do you think... That relief that we found in the sarcophagus. Do you think there's another one in this chamber too?"

"Perhaps. You check that side of the room and I'll check this one. Do so quickly, and if you find anything, for hell's sake don't touch it until I've had a look at it."

"Such authority, so commanding... I never realized your voice was so..."

"I beg you not to finish that sentence."

"There!"

"What?"

"I see it! There, above the archway we just came through. Another relief. Maenads again, I assume. But they're not alone. They're encircling... other people. Two of them. A man and a woman."

"This light is too dim for my blasted eyesight. What is the couple doing? Drinking?"

"No, they're... kissing."

"For fuck's sake."

"I do apologize for this, Professor..."

"Unhand me you presumptuous guttersnipe!"

"Really now, there's no need for a fit. We've got to try something or else we'll run out of time. A little peck from me isn't going to melt you and perhaps it needn't be on the lips. The back of your hand is as impersonal as I can fathom."

"If you absolutely must. But I'll have you know I'm going to be petitioning the head of your department for a dramatic increase in hazard pay."

"I am the head of my department. And we'll have to make it out of here alive before I can pay you a jot. So brace up... here it goes... Your dry heaving isn't helping, Professor."

"Apparently your touch inspires reactions in me that are beyond my control. In any case, you seem very much pleased with yourself for a woman who's brought us to the brink of ruination and idiocy. Is all of this just a ploy to humiliate me in vengeance for refusing your apprenticeship?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I'd never be so petty. And anyway it would be a wildly unsuccessful ploy given that I'm the one being mercilessly mocked as I swan about making outlandish observations over your alluring qualities, your dulcet tones and chiseled cheekbones..."

"My what?"

"Nevermind. It seems that didn't do the trick after all. The door is still sealed."

"Yes, I see that."

"I thought as much. We'll have to do the kiss exactly as depicted."

"We will not have to do any such thing!"

"For goodness sake, don't be a baby. Close your eyes and hold your breath, it'll be over in a second. Or would you rather die gasping in a cloud of necrotic fumes?"

"One sounds equally as unpleasant as the other."

"A single kiss or painful death. Make your choice, Professor. The clock is ticking."

"I... alright. Though, be it known I do this only under the most extreme duress."

"So noted. Now stand right there, just as you are. Hold still. My, you're... quite tall aren't you? Lean down for me please... Closer..."

"..."

"..."

"That... went on longer than seemed strictly necessary, Miss Granger."

"Ehem. Oh. Um... Did it?"

"Wretched curse, you've gone all gooey-eyed. Is that what this is about? Your ridiculous flutterings and flushed composure. Some sort of aphrodisiac of the ancients?"

"That's not true! I'm not randy or anything, goodness. But I do acknowledge... I am... I am in a proper state... I can't seem to shake this... um... I'm sorry, but you really are more attractive than usual... It's most distracting..."

"Gooey-eyed indeed. Although we appear to have danced to the fiddler's tune fair enough. The door has opened."

"Right! The door.."

"And this should be the final chamber. One more puzzle to release then we'll be free, thank Salazar's arse."

"I'm guessing more drinking won't do the trick. Curious that the goblets seem to continuously refill. Though I have to say I'm starting to grow fond of this vintage..."

"Check every corner, Granger. Hard be it for you to perform any task to my full confidence in this state of yours, but we're short of time and out of options."

"I don't see another clue."

"I don't see one either."

"Just dim lamp light and these decrepit draperies."

"Is there really no possibility that your assistant whatshisname, may come to our immediate rescue?"

"Colin? I don't think so. He can be rather flighty. You might remember him from school, actually. One of the Creevy brothers."

"That wooly-brained titmouse? He's your assistant?"

"He's not a titmouse! He's actually very smart and resourceful."

"If you say so."

"Anyway what do you care?"

"A woman of your academic caliber, I expected you to work with a higher pedigree of colleague, that's all."

"Dangerously close to a compliment, Professor."

"My mistake."

"You know what, I do think the effects of this curse are starting to even out a little bit..."

"What exactly is this godforsaken place anyway? Why this litany of traps and imbecilic trials?"

"Oh! I never told you about this place, did I? How forgetful of me, of course you'd want to know something of my findings, though they aren't strictly publishable just yet, very much in their infancy of development, you see, when I first began—"

"Enough, enough. I just realized who I'm talking to. Forget I asked."

"Hmph."

"Incredible. Toss out the proper insult and be rewarded with silence. I'll have to write that one down."

"Hush up, we're running out of time."

"I've found no sign of another relief. Have you?"

"Not yet."

"Damned it all."

"I may start fretting."

"I may join you."

"Join me..."

"In fretting, I mean. Don't give me that face, Granger, I think I've had well enough of your inanely besotted—"

"Severus, look..."

"Excuse me."

"Look! Below our feet. We've been standing on it the whole time. The entire floor is a mural... It's the couple again, and they're... they're..."

"..."

"..."

"Where is that wine goblet."

"Oh, dear..."

"Tell me I'm mistaken, Granger. Tell me I'm not seeing what I think I'm seeing."

"There's really no other way to see it."

"Errant carnalities..."

"I think these would be very intentional carnalities."

"Please, don't speak of it further, I may wretch."

"This is absurd! Who designed this? For what purpose? Is there really some perverted old geezer laughing his face off from the afterlife watching us fool and fondle each other?"

"You tell me! You're the one who's investigating this dungeon of horrors."

"Now I really am glad Colin got called away. I can't imagine what we'd have to do if it was the three of us trapped together."

"Obliviate me. Please. I beg you."

"I think this calls for more wine."

"I think this calls for one-hundred proof whiskey."

"Bottoms up, Sev."

"Impertinent use of my name. You are never to address me so informal again."

"Or what?"

"Shut up and drink."

"You Maenad like me when I'm drunk."

"Don't."

"Do what?"

"Do that."

"I do as I please."

"Do you?"

"Yes I do you."

"Miss Granger that will be quite enough giggling in my presence."

"This curse really isn't affecting you?"

"How many times must I say it. And did I hear you correctly earlier? Did you say that you were feeling the effects of the curse wane? What changed?"

"It was rather sudden, actually. Intentional almost. It was after you... after you said..."

"What? Miss Granger I'm not certain I trust the look on your face. You've become... contemplative."

"Hang on. Say something nice to me."

"Come again."

"I mean it. After you complimented my academic caliber, that was the first time I started to readjust. Tell me again."

"I hardly see why that's relevant. You completed my internship, after all, and I wouldn't have allowed you under my tutelage to begin with if I found you completely without merit."

"That's strange. The more I like you, the more I feel... normal."

"I'm certain I don't follow."

"It happened again, just now. The feelings of... giddiness, of Cupid's fancy... My head is so much clearer the more I focus on..."

"Focus on what?"

"Affection."

"..."

"But that must mean..."

"It means nothing."

"It means everything. You were hit with the curse, I know it, I saw it! But you... This whole time... You... If earnest feelings of attraction level out the effects, then—"

"Don't say it—"

"You must therefore feel—"

"I must therefore not—"

"Genuine attraction from the very beginning—"

"Wild conclusions—"

"Scientific deduction—"

"The unmitigated gall!"

"It's too late, Severus. I understand now. Turning down my request for the apprenticeship. That wasn't because of my lack of skill, was it?"

"You don't know what you're suggesting."

"I thought there was something between us by the end. I know I couldn't hide my feelings properly. I was the one who... That is to say, I rather got the very feeling that my attraction was one-sided. It never occurred to me that you might..."

"..."

"I must say, you certainly hide your affection quite thoroughly."

"I've had time to... metabolize this... ridiculous impulse."

"That's a very you way of putting it."

"I didn't ask for your editorial opinion, Granger. And given your conclusions, then seeing as you are rather stupified by this curse, scientific deduction would conclude you did not retain such feelings. So all of this is superfluous."

"While you were secretly metabolizing, I also had rather a long time to push my feelings aside. Why pursue what was so obviously detestful to you? I had no idea..."

"You were meant to have no idea. My inclinations were entirely private and, as far as I could tell, unsolicited by you. I made assumptions and acted in self defense. You can hardly blame me for it."

"You were wrong."

"I was reasonable."

"You were wrong."

"I was empirical."

"I'm so happy you were wrong."

"Miss Granger, you... you needn't be so close."

"Oh, but I do. If we're going to escape, then we're going to have to be very close..."

"Understand, Miss Granger, that I will never touch you unless forced beyond my control, and even then, I can't imagine a power in the universe that could succeed in rendering my compliance."

"Oh..."

"Don't look so wounded. If I actually found you repulsive we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Meaning?"

"In other circumstances, both of us might be happily cursed and neither of us knowing any better. Enraptured into magically induced erotics. But, given... You see, the truth is... I am unaltered. You are not in the right state. Charmed into artificial attraction. If we were to... carry on... I would be taking advantage, and barbaric though I may seem for all my disparagements, I do not in fact wish to do you this intimate injury."

"I'm alarmingly unaltered, Professor. Well, the wine but who's counting. The more we've been talking, the more I've... come around. As I said, the effects have waned, and this realization..."

"You're not serious."

"I am."

"I'll not fall for it."

"If you don't believe me, come here. Look into my eyes. Are my pupils dilated as they were before?"

"A ploy to ply me with your feminine wiles... What did I say about giggling!"

"My feminine wiles? I wasn't aware that I wielded such weapons."

"You've backed me into a corner, Granger."

"Bed me or kill me. These are your choices."

"You... you really aren't cursed anymore."

"Look at me. Assess me for yourself."

"...I'll be damned."

"You'll be kissed."

"Will I now?"

"And then some."

"..."

"Pleasant enough I suppose."

"You're aching for me, Severus, admit it."

"If you keep undressing me, such admissions will surely be made apparent..."

"I realize we have very limited time. There's a lot of pressure on you to perform. If there is anything... specific... you'd like me to do..."

"...In full transparency, I've been hard since the moment you first touched my hand."

"Mmmh I'll need to verify that..."

"Will you now..."

"I would verify by sight but touching is so much more conclusive."

"A woman of science indeed."

"Very impressive... I'm surprised you were able to hide this monolith for so long."

"There was some... adjusting."

"Allow me to un-adjust..."

"Wait. Do you hear that?"

"I'm busy..."

"I think the door just released."

"Bugger the door, we've barely got started."

"I don't think we're the ones who opened it."

"What do you mean?"

"There's someone else here."

"Someone's here?"

"Fuck me, it's Creevy."

"Colin?!"

"Hermione?!"

"Look away! Avert your eyes!"

"Snape?"

"If you speak of this to anyone, Creevy, I'll put your lungs in a jar."

"Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Where did I drop my blouse?"

"You're standing on my trousers, Granger."

"I'll just let you two... er... And of course I didn't see anything... Not that there's anything to see... No... Just a simple... A misunderstanding... I'll just er... I'll just... I'll wait outside."

"..."

"..."

"I believe we've traumatized the poor boy."

"He Maenad recover..."

"What did I say about giggling?"

"You know... by my calculations we still have almost ten minutes left before the doomed release of demon spores. And after all this, we didn't actually see for certain the conclusion to these mysterious trials..."

"What are you suggesting?"

"...Shall we finish what we started?"

"A persuasive proposal..."

"As you said, I'm a woman of science, and this is a unique opportunity... you know... for study."

"I suppose if it's in the name of research..."

"In the name of research."

"Yes, of course. Research..."

Author's Note: There is no excuse for this fic.

Congratulations if you made it this far! Also sorry about the puns.