Qui-Gon had never felt so heavy in all his life, but neither had he ever felt so determined to move. It was funny, he thought, how little thought one puts into the movement of their body until it becomes so difficult to move that you have to beg it to. He plodded with determination towards the tree in the center of the temple courtyard garden, but was careful not to move too quickly and stumble. He was still getting used to walking with a staff, which added only more weight to what his convalescent body had to carry.
He paused his walking, giving himself a moment to rest, and looked up at the central tree. It was a deciduous tree - Qui-Gon could not remember what it was called, but its stalwart trunk supporting all its great height and greenery was a comforting, encouraging sight. He continued making his way towards a bench that sat under its shade, near a bed of curling ferns from the planet Felucia. He leaned on the staff to support himself as he took a seat.
Finally, now allowed to focus his attention on his thoughts rather than his actions, Qui-Gon took a moment to clear his mind of distraction, which was namely the names and origins of the trees and plants around him. While thinking of the plant life was more soothing, Qui-Gon knew that it was now time to consider more somber matters.
It was difficult to even know where to start. Jar Jar Binks's prospects? The victory on Naboo? The Queen's revelation? Obi-Wan's upcoming knighthood? Anakin's training? And what of his mother? One matter at a time, he thought to himself. Qui-Gon believed that the best way to think was to feel first, and there were many feelings he now had to search.
He closed his eyes and took a breath, then exhaled with a gentle wilting of his shoulders, as if he were releasing all the cluttered thoughts to focus on what was most important. But what was most important? It felt horrible to ask, but Qui-Gon knew that there was only so much he could do at once, especially in his condition. He could not please everyone. The strategy would be to figure out how each of their needs could be met, and that was what he knew he must meditate on. His thoughts turned towards a conversation he'd had with Obi-Wan a few days prior.
Before Qui-Gon had been up and walking again, Obi-Wan had come to visit him. He was the first to see him after he had woken from his coma. The healers had told Qui-Gon after the fact that Obi-Wan had spent every spare moment at his side. The image of Obi-Wan sitting with him in his chamber at the medical facility and accompanying him to his sessions in the bacta tank, waiting for his master to wake up, added more weight to Qui-Gon's already heavy heart. His soon-to-be former padawan was still devoted to him in a way that Qui-Gon was not sure how to reciprocate.
On the day Qui-Gon came around, Obi-Wan had recounted to him everything that had happened during the three weeks Qui-Gon had been comatose. It was late morning, but by the time everything had been told it was well into the afternoon. Qui-Gon was still laid up in bed, his face wan and eyes tired and hooked up to several machines. The Sith's lightsaber had pierced him all the way through, just shy of his spine. A few centimeters closer to it and he would have been a goner. The recovery had had its ups and downs, with the healers never being quite sure he would make it until the days immediately leading up to his waking. Obi-Wan had been very worried, but he wouldn't say it. Instead he said that "everyone" was worried and implicitly included himself in that group.
"Anakin wanted to come with me whenever I visited you," Obi-Wan said. "I let him join me a few times, but I didn't want him to stay for long."
"And why was that?" Qui-Gon asked. He kept the conversation slow, still grasping the world of the living again.
Obi-Wan waited a beat before responding. "I didn't think it would be good for him to see you in such a state. A lot has happened in these past few weeks. He is stressed, and the unpredictability of your condition has been very hard on him. On all of us."
Qui-Gon frowned. After being his master for twelve years, he easily saw through Obi-Wan's veiled attempt at hiding his feelings and tried to respond in a way that was comforting but equally as indirect. "I'm sorry to have left you alone with the boy. To be suddenly put into such a situation with a stranger must have been difficult."
"Yes," Obi-Wan said. "Anakin scarcely knows me, even now. It hasn't been easy for him."
"I'm sure that's true, Obi-Wan, but I was talking about you," Qui-Gon said.
It had not occurred to Obi-Wan that Anakin was just as strange to him as he was strange to Anakin. There was an empty space between him and the boy that was taken up by Qui-Gon.
"Has any decision been made about Anakin's training?" Qui-Gon asked.
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Nothing definite, no. The Council is still determining what is to be done with him. There were whispers about one of the council members stepping up to train him when it seemed that you would not recover, but those plans seem to have gone quiet as your condition has improved."
"Because the assumption was that I would train him now that you're going to be knighted?" Qui-Gon asked.
"I'm not sure," Obi-Wan said. "I get the sense that the Council was open to training him when it seemed that you would die, as a way of respecting you. But now, I wonder if they will leave him in your hands again once you are well."
Qui-Gon sighed. "This wound will debilitate me for the foreseeable future - likely for the rest of my life. I will not be able to take on another padawan for quite some time, and certainly not such a particular case like Anakin's."
"I have already tried to reason with the Council in telling them that you will likely be advised to adapt your lifestyle to something more relaxed and to not take another padawan," Obi-Wan said. "They are worried about putting extra strain on your recovery, but not worried enough to relieve you of the stress of Anakin's situation."
Qui-Gon frowned again and looked away without turning his head, his tired eyes gazing upward in thought. "I have not yet had the time to understand how different my life will be now."
Obi-Wan was quiet for a moment. He almost felt as if he had been there for too long, and that he should leave his master to his rumination. "It will be an adjustment for all of us," he said quietly. "You will not have to handle this alone."
Qui-Gon smiled sadly at his padawan's hiding his feelings in the collective again. He let his eyes and his voice soften, knowing that he needed to be strong for his former padawan. "The Force will guide us all to our best arrangements. I hope we can all take comfort in that."