12
Not enough
Dear you... who is loved
During this time, please smile often. Your smile makes the person who looks at it happy. That goes for me as well.
Apple
"You seem so happy lately, Karn."
We're at the AppTalk meeting today. We're talking about the big picture and how we may have to register our company properly. Aontakam's liveliness makes the mood very lively, so much so that everyone forgets what we're here to talk about. We are all in our dreamy state as we look at Aontakarn's Duchenne smile. Her laughter accompanies her every word.
"Isn't that good? Do you want me to be moody?"
"Seeing you laugh makes us happy. Geez... there are a lot of good things going on. Our website is growing. We are about to register our company. And our straight-faced Aontakarn is laughing all day. How great is this?"
All the guys are merrily teasing Aontakarn, as she's like a beautiful flower among us. And yes... everyone looked past me, who's also a woman on the team. But never mind, because that makes Aontakarn happy. Her smile makes me happy too, so there is no point in me being upset about it.
Lately, Aontakarn and I have met every day. We talk about this and that until we're quite close. We also talk on the phone three times a day. The petite one is the lonely type. And I'm more than happy to be her friend when she's lonely. We are a perfect fit.
Aside from talking to her as Chris, I also play the role of Apple, who sends her encouragement via Twitter daily. I'm learning the ropes on Twitter. Let's say that over 80% of my time is dedicated to the female announcer.
If I were a man, we would be getting to know each other or something like that.
But because I'm a woman... I'm her best friend instead.
This is interesting. If Aontakarn or I were men, what would our relationship be like?
"But can you tell us why you're so happy? Do you have a lover?" Puth is straight to the point. I startled at that. I, who am thinking about this topic, stare at my brother in shock.
"No. I'm single."
"Oh. How can one be this happy without it being related to love... Do you know why Karn is so happy, Chris?"
"Chris and Karn are close now? What did we miss?"
All the curious eyes are now on me. Because the team members don't meet up every day, we don't know everything that's happened to each other. Puth is the only one who kind of knows that Aontakarn and I are closer than we used to be.
The sweet-faced woman glances at me and smiles shyly before she looks away. I can't help but smile when I see her smile.
"We are co-workers. Why is it strange that we are close..."
Yet... when I say that, the smile on the petite woman's face disappears. Aontakarn is as good at keeping her feelings to herself as I am at observing how she feels. Hence, I can tell immediately when something is wrong.
"True. Be good to each other because we will have to work together for a long time... Let's talk about the company registration. What name should we use..."
And I don't see Aontakarn smiling again throughout the entire meeting. So I can't help but send her a LINE message. Her smile disappearing makes me sad.
Think Chris Kitkat : What's the matter? Why are you so quiet?
Aontakarn : Nothing.
I glance at the person who's staring at her phone expressionlessly as I lick my teeth, not knowing what to do.
Think Chris Kitkat : Did I say something wrong?
Aontakarn : Nothing.
Okay... that means something is wrong. A one-word reply like she doesn't care can only mean that. I panic because I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I did wrong. I have to do something to resolve the situation at this instant.
Think Chris Kitkat : You're so beautiful today.
Aontakarn : What?
Think Chris Kitkat : You're cuter than usual today.
Aontakarn : Stop.
I glanced at the person I just complimented to see the feedback. Aontakarn, who's still good at hiding her feelings, looks up at me a bit before she types her reply.
Aontakarn : You're better at using words. Are you a sweet talker now?
Think Chris Kitkat : What brings Aontakarn into this world?
Aontakarn : Are you changing the topic? Why do you ask that? Of course, it's my mother.
Think Chris Kitkat : What are you made from?
Aontakarn : Why?
Think Chris Kitkat : Yeah, why?
Aontakarn : Why what?
Think Chris Kitkat : What are you made from? Why are you so cute?
The sweet-faced woman bites her lips and looks up at me a bit. I can tell that she's trying to keep her composure and not smile. Yet her eyes show it all.
Think Chris Kitkat : You're about to smile.
Aontakarn : What are you babbling about?
Think Chris Kitkat : I'm trying to make up with you.
Aontakarn : I told you that it's nothing.
Think Chris Kitkat : Smile.
Aontakarn : I'm not a lunatic. Why would I suddenly smile without a reason?
Think Chris Kitkat : Look up at Chris; Chris will be your reason to smile.
Aontakarn : What will you do?
So Aontakarn looks up from the phone and looks at me, per my request. I exhale so hard that my nostrils are expanded, and I roll my eyes up like I've never done before. I give it all to make her smile. The sweet-faced woman, who's trying to keep composure, smiles when she sees me doing that. That makes me smile with relief.
Ah... she's probably no longer angry with me.
This woman has so much influence on me...
"Are you two dating?"
However... as we think we are chatting privately without anyone noticing, we are unaware that the entire team has been looking at us for a while now.
"W... what?" I wriggle and sit up straight as I wave my hand to deny it. "Date? No!"
"You two are acting strange. You kept playing on your phone without paying any attention to what we've been saying." Even Puth says that as he examines me.
"We've been chatting like this for a while now. And we're both women; how can we date?" Aontakarn shakes her head vigorously. This line of questioning frustrates me. I don't mind the teasing, but to put the sweet-faced woman in an uncomfortable position is too much.
"Don't tease like this, Puth. It makes us uncomfortable. Can't we be close? Do we have to make it sexual because we're close?"
"Why are you so serious? I was just teasing you." My handsome brother is stunned when he sees that I'm really frustrated. And to get everyone to stop this line of questioning, I have to play big. So I slain the table and stand up.
"I've had it. I'm not in the mood to attend the meeting now. I'm leaving."
"Hey. You're leaving?"
"Yes. I'm the video editor. Why am I here talking about business plans and company registration? I don't want to talk about it. I don't understand a thing. I'm leaving."
I leave the meeting and send a message to tell Aontakarn to come with me. The sweet-faced woman also doesn't want to stay, so she comes out five minutes later. And now were strolling in a mall.
This is using my anger so we can skip the meeting to hang out.
"Chris is scary when you're angry." Aontakarn says this, forgetting she was angry with me earlier.
That's the result of playing big. It makes the one who didn't play as big forget that she was sulking.
"Not as scary as Karn."
"Huh?"
"Weren't you sulking at me?"
"No."
When I remind her, she sulks again. But this time she doesn't seem to be that serious.
"I thought we were close. You have to tell me. I can't read people. I just know that you're sulking, but I have no idea what I did to make you sulk."
"…"
"Hey..." I nudge her with my elbow as I start to sulk as well. Though I know that the sweet-faced person is no longer sulking, I still want to know what I did wrong. "What is it?"
"I was a bit frustrated."
"See? Why were you frustrated at me?"
"You said that we're co-workers."
"Was I wrong?"
Aontakarn puffs her cheeks and scrunches her mouth. She walks ahead quickly. My jaw drops. I grab her arm as I sigh.
"Tell me what I said wrong so I can correct it... Please believe me that it takes a lot of courage for Chris to say this to Kam. It also takes a lot of courage to try to make up with you. So, can you please tell me?" I rub my hands together as I beg her. Aontakarn presses her lips together and speaks with a clearly sulking tone of voice.
"You told others that we're co-workers."
"And what are we?"
"There are a lot of words that you can use. Co-workers do not sound close. Karn doesn't like it."
"Just that..." I stutter, losing my voice. The petite one is becoming frustrated again, so I clear my throat. "I didn't know which word to use."
"You can use close friends because we're close now."
"I was afraid that it would seem too quick for them. They will think that I intend to get close to you. You're famous. It would seem like I have some agenda in trying to get close..."
"Hey..." Aontakarn looks like she's just been hit in the head. The delicate one exclaimed, "Hey," in a very manly manner, in shock. She sweeps her hair back annoyingly. "Why do you overthink so much? It's annoying."
"You also overthink. I just said... We're co-workers."
"Fine. Never mind."
"Huh..."
"We can be co-workers, then!"
So Aontakarn and I sulked today... I guess it's the next step to being close friends. We talk about almost everything, and we fight. It's a perfect mix.
Is it?
"I've known you for over ten years. I've never sulked on small matters like this."
I'm brainstorming with my friends. I'm on a conference call on my notebook. After I told them everything, Ern and Nat seemed really annoyed with Aontakarn. There's only Meen, who doesn't seem to care much. She just ate her cup of noodles.
"Don't you have any comments, Meen?" Ern points to Meen with her head. The person being asked just shrugs.
"I don't know what to comment on. But for me, really close friends don't sulk stupidly like this."
"Yeah. Only lovers can be this stupid." Nat says it nonchalantly. It makes me straighten up like someone with guilt.
This is the second time someone has talked about 'lovers' when it comes to my relationship with Aontakarn today. What crazy shit is this?
"It seems like the announcer and Christ are lovers, not close friends. Did you two define your relationship wrong? Friends don't try this hard for each other." Ern comments frankly. I'm becoming frustrated.
"Did you forget that I'm a woman? Why are you talking about lovers? Don't say this to others, or people will get the wrong idea."
"Who would? There are only friends here. We are just saying how it is... right, Meen?"
Meen shrugs again and replies shortly. But it's a response that makes me have to ponder because, deep inside, I partially agree with her.
"Friends... don't have to try. And the relationship is not this fragile—not like a delicate glass that you have to try not to break at all times like this."
We continued to talk for a while before we split up to go to bed. It's past midnight, and it's the first day that I didn't call to say goodnight to Aontakarn.
I don't know what to do... I've never felt this vulnerable.
Because I am bored and I'm not able to go to sleep, I pick up my phone to check what Aontakarn is up to on Twitter. I'm surprised that she's tweeted a lot more than usual today. It tells me that she's as anxious as I am.
Can't she tell that 'close friends' and 'co-workers' are different?
I'm so bored.
It's 10 p.m.
It's I I p.m.
It's midnight..
Even though I have a tendency to overthink to the point where it appears as though I am perpetually anxious, Aontakarn's nonstop complaints endear her to me in an adorable way. I may be senseless, but I'm not stupid. She's waiting for my message. I was chatting with my friends, and I wasn't aware that someone was waiting for me to try to make up with her.
It's past midnight; why aren't you asleep?
If we follow each other, me mentioning her means that a notification will pop up on her phone. So I believe that she's already read my mention.
So arrogant... Why does she take so long to respond?
Ding.
Chris is still awake as well. I guess.: Aontakarn_RAKs
I can't sleep. : Chris_Carissa
Why is that? : Aontakarn_RAKs
I haven't said goodnight to a certain someone. : Chris Carissa
Who is that someone?: Aontakarn_RAKs
Whosever phone is ringing. : Chris_Carissa
And in the end, I call Aontakarn. The phone rings for about 5 seconds before it is picked up. Yet there is only silence from the sulky one. Geez... She's so sulky that it's adorable.
"Do you know who that someone is yet?"
[I thought you forgot.]
"Are you still angry with me?"
[I'm not.]
"Why is MY Aontakarn like this?" I drag my voice as I say that. And not long after that, the petite woman laughs, giving in.
[You are using the fact that I say you're like my mother to your advantage. Vicious.]
"Can you not be angry with me? Chris doesn't like it when we sulk."
[Chris made me feel like...]
"Huh'?"
[I'm all alone.]
The sweet-faced one's reply stuns me. And when she sees that I go quiet, she elaborates.
[Chris made Karn feel safe because it's like I'm with my mother. But Chris also keeps a distance between us. That gap makes me not know how to behave. It seems like we're close, but not close. Something like that.]
"I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
[Chris acts as if you're not worthy of me. Do you know what I'm saying?]
It's not wrong for her to feel that way. I started by being so impressed by her that I became her fan. So now that we're friends, I can't help but feel unworthy. I don't dare tell anyone that we're friends.
So that makes Aontakarn feel uncomfortable, I guess...
"I understand. From now on, if someone asks, Chris will say that... Karn is Chris's best friend."
[Ah-huh.]
"Are you happy now?"
[Well... yes.]
"Then can you wish me sweet dreams?"
[Sweet dreams. Good night.]
"Sweet dreams, MY Aontakarn."
We hang up. Yet it's as if something was left unspoken.
Why do I feel like Aontakarn is still unhappy when I say that we're best friends?
Ah... maybe even I feel that that's not enough. But what's more than best friends?
I don't know, but I just feel that... that's not enough.