Pigs on the Wing

World #327 - ?

"There is nothing here. …Why is nothing here?" Karin asked in frustration.

They had stolen… recovered this realm's Rinnegan — Obito had somehow gotten his hands on the eye, apparently. And they were currently going through one of the Uzushio outposts' ruins — on the mainland, because the actual city tended to stay the exact same, no matter what. Perhaps one day, they would try leaping even further back, just to see what happened.

Usually, the artifacts they found were more or less the same, give or take a few items that mysteriously disappeared.

But nothing at all…? That was pretty new. And it could mean there had been something worth taking.

Mostly because it would take a very talented seal-user… one of Uzumaki blood, preferably.

"Well, I think we're about to find out." Naruto just said.

"You want to try this Rinnegan scrying thing again?" Karin asked.

"No need." He laughed and handed her a piece of paper. "They left a calling card, whoever they were."

It read:

"We'll be taking over these; please move on to something else. Also, consider stopping stealing stuff. If you're Uzumaki, disregard the last message, and… yeah, sorry.

The Gallant Sages"

"The… what now?" Karin frowned. "Nice writing on that one, though."

"I guess we finally found another world where I learned to apply writing with a touch." Naruto nodded.

"Or perhaps just one where you don't look down on calligraphy." Karin mumbled.

"Well, I don't need it, do I?" He snorted. "Why should I practice?"

"Whatever." Karin grinned. "Let's go find these people."

World #07 - Hokage Naruto's Konoha.

It was the middle of the night.

Hanabi entered the clan's estates quietly. Well as quietly as you could enter the Hyuuga compound. Which meant that many pairs of Byakugan were upon her.

They undoubtedly took note of her hair's messy state.

So did Father, who was still awake — likely burning the midnight oil. Hanabi didn't need to have the clan's sharpest eyes to feel his disapproval — she still had them, though.

His hands moved through familiar motions.

Where were you? He motioned.

Out and about. She sent back.

The least you could do is answer me. He frowned.

I'm not a little girl anymore.

Come see me.

With a sigh, she slowly walked toward him, passing several clansmen and surveying the manor's grounds seemingly absentmindedly.

She stopped by the washing rooms, in order to put on something more comfortable — and less crumpled, too. She fumbled a bit with the clothes, looking for something her size.

She took the time to give a few orders to Himari and Kaizen while she was there.

Then she went to the Hyuuga's head office.

"What do you have to say for yourself?" Father asked her tersely, without preamble.

"…Not that much, really." She shrugged.

Hiashi blinked. "Then…" He began neutrally. "You are of course aware that Hifumi saw you leave the Sitting Room bar at around 11pm tonight?"

"I am." Hanabi nodded.

"With a man, very publicly, at that." Hiashi said with distaste. "Now… I have given you and your sister a lot of leeway." He looked at her pointedly. "This is the kind of thing that will reflect badly on the Hyuuga as a whole—"

"Looking too relatable, you mean?" Hanabi asked innocently.

"Hanabi." Hiashi said in frustration. "We are Hyuuga." Hanabi gave him a blank look. "We are not ordinary in any way, and as the next clan head, you even less. I have rejected countless proposals for your hand, and Hinata's since—"

"Yeah, thanks for that, but I'm not a horse." She rolled her eyes.

"…Why won't you understand the position that puts you in…?" Hiashi frowned. "You cannot act like commoners. And… make no mistake, acting so… boorishly is something only a commoner would do."

He stressed the word as though it still held meaning.

"Okay." Hanabi nodded. "So?"

Hiashi's face was starting to gain some color.

"Ah, careful, Father. You know it's bad for your heart."

"I'll be fine — Don't you understand where that leaves me?"

"Not really." Hanabi shrugged.

"I have refused many useful alliances, only for you to—"

"Again, not a horse."

Hiashi breathed in, breathed out.

"Besides, there's a way out." Hanabi said, looking him in the eye.

Hiashi understood right away.

"…Are you this serious about him?" He asked after a long silence. "Enough to marry him?"

"I love Konohasaru." Hanabi nodded. "He is the man of my dreams."

Hiashi frowned.

He let out a long suffering sigh.

"Very well, then." He looked as though this conversation had just given him more gray hair. "I… I will arrange for the wedding, then. We should be able to salvage this."

"Thanks."

"You…" Hiashi hesitated. "Sarutobi, then. You could have done worse, I guess."

"Better, too."

"What?"

"Just kidding." Hanabi rolled her eyes. "Can I go now? The branch house is throwing a big celebration."

Hiashi frowned. He had heard nothing about it. And this late, too…?

"It's a last-minute midnight walk." Hanabi nodded. "Very exclusive thing, too. I don't think you're invited, they feel a bit stiff around you."

Hiashi knew this. True to her word, he could see many of them getting dressed hurriedly. They were going around the domain, waking up more of them.

"…What is this?" Hiashi frowned.

"We're obviously planning a coup, Father."

"…Is everything a joke to you, Hanabi?" He frowned.

"Don't worry, I'll take responsibility for it — we're just going out for an hour or two. Since I'm going to be the clan head very soon, that's fine too, right?"

Hiashi hesitated. But he nodded. He would send people to keep an eye over them, anyway.

Once Hanabi had gathered most of them in the same place, questions began flying around.

There were a few missing, of course, among them all of the guards keeping an eye on the group, but Hanabi knew that it wouldn't be a problem. They could be convinced easily, too.

"What is this about, Hanabi-sama?" One asked. Rokuro.

"Atsuhiro woke me up." A child said blearily. Kiyoshi.

"…Was this really so urgent?" A woman muttered. Kohaku. "Couldn't it have waited until tomorrow morning?"

"Is this really a midnight walk?" Madoka.

"I thought this was a party!" Hideaki.

Hanabi waited until they quieted down.

"We have a problem." She began, her voice as strong as iron.

There was only silence.

"…We do?" Nobu frowned. "With Hiashi-sama?"

"Please come forward, Nobu." Hanabi said.

He did so with a confused expression.

"If it's about the hot springs thing, I already apologized to Lady Tsunade-" He began.

"All of you know that I shall be the clan head soon." Hanabi ignored him again.

Enthusiastic nods all around. Hiashi wasn't particularly bad… but Hanabi was more well-liked. It probably had something to do with the fact that she had been the second daughter, and as such, she had had a high chance of ending up joining the branch house herself.

Of course, with Hinata marrying the savior of the world, things turned out a bit differently.

No matter what it was, she had been pretty familiar with most of them.

"I'll cut this short — I'm not too big on wordy speeches. And I'm also not too big on having most of the clan being slaves." She said.

This time there were resigned frowns.

They knew it, of course, but that didn't change much about the reality of their condition.

"So that ends tonight. Here's my first act as clan head."

Their disbelief was almost palpable.

"Nobu?"

He looked at her with tentative hope.

Hanabi put her hand over his forehead. Her eyes flashed and when she removed it, so she did the seal.

When Nobu turned on, the others could only stare at his bare forehead in silent awe. Hanabi gave the people tasked with overseeing the group a pointed look.

"Who's next?" Hanabi asked.

They joined them soon after.

Atsuko spoke up. "But the Elders—"

"Don't worry, I'll deal with the shitstorm myself." She then mumbled kinda under her breath. "You won't be punished for my actions." Hanabi said.

Hyuuga Hanabi woke up to a pair of arms wrapped around her.

The sun was already high up in the sky. She was in a distinctly unfamiliar room.

And she didn't have to try very hard to know where she was — Konohamaru's arms were still wrapped around her. He was drooling, and for some reason she had known he would do so. She couldn't prevent a small smile from forming on her lips.

'What a goofball.'

For a moment, she just stared at his tanned complexion, strong jaw and his peaceful expression. Her cheeks grew a bit warm and she snuggled back against him. To think that it had finally happened. These things really were unpredictable, or maybe it was fate.

Perhaps if she pretended to sleep, she could just say that he had been the one to do so—

Hanabi saw a white flash.

An opaque chakra barrier came up around the entire room.

"Sorry for disturbing you." A bored voice announced.

Konohamaru woke up, let out a very unmanly cry, put himself in between Hanabi and… the other Hanabi, who seemed to approve, if only a bit. He blinked.

"What…?"

"By the gods." The other groaned. "Put that lipstick away."

Konahamaru seized a cover to protect his modesty, blushing.

"What are you doing here?" Hanabi asked tightly. She was at her mercy and she knew it.

"I came to warn you." The other said with a lazy wave. "Your father will want to talk to you very soon."

"What about…?"

"Tonight, I pretended to be you and freed the branch members."

Silence.

"You… what?" Hanabi asked. Konohamaru was just looking at her then at the other woman alternatively.

"Oh come on, you heard me." The other rolled her eyes. "Also, Hiashi is convinced that you're going to marry Konohamaru. Sorry, I didn't feel like dealing with that, and besides I won't do all of your work for you."

"You what?!" She asked shrilly.

"Eh, it's nothing, really. Just talk him out of it."

"Talk Father out of marrying Konohamaru?!"

The other nodded.

"Worst case, send him to me directly." The other grinned sharply. "It would be my pleasure to talk some sense into him."

That sounded like a bad idea.

Hanabi stared.

"Father will kill me."

"Oh please." The other scoffed. "What's Hiashi going to do…? Disown you? Then what? He's got no heir, you have him by the balls. You're going to be the next Hyuuga Head, and you already started with a bang. Act like it."

Hanabi stared.

"What?" The other asked, rolling her eyes. "You're welcome, by the way. If you have any other problem that needs solving, you know where to find me; just follow the feeling of omnipotence."

The other disappeared in a flash of white light, along with the barrier that Hanabi now realized had been put in order to prevent anyone outside from peering inside the room.

Silence.

"…What was that about?" Konohamaru finally asked. "Who is she?"

"…Some alternate version of me. She's been around for a few days I think."

"She… removed the Branch seals…?"

Hanabi shrugged uneasily. "…Apparently."

"And… marriage?"

Hanabi winced. The Hyuuga were very traditional, and her Father was… very Hyuuga. The worst part was that with a guard or two always following her… she had known something like this could happen. But her temper had gotten the best of her, really. Seeing these hussies flirting with the man who held her interest had been too much.

"It's…" Hanabi began, less confidently than she had hoped. "It's nothing set in stone, I'm sure." She muttered. "I just… have to face my Father and… hold my ground, I guess."

"We." Konohamaru said.

"…What?"

Konohamaru gave her a fond grin.

"We'll face your dad together." He nodded resolutely.

"…Are you sure?" Hanabi said, feeling tentative hope well up inside her. Marriage was not on the table, but… even that wouldn't be that bad, she thought. Not with him.

"I faced Pain when I was like twelve, I'm sure I can manage your dad! Besides, I wouldn't have come with you if I wasn't in it for the long run, kore!"

World #327 - The Gallant Sages. Land of Earth.

Uzumaki Naruto, also known as the world's Toad Sage — one of them — woke up with a throbbing headache.

He tried to remember what had happened last night.

He could guess, of course. Naruto took a long inhale and natural energy blended in with his own seamlessly. There were five people in the building, in total, counting him. Two of them were sleeping naked next to him.

Another was moving blearily through the corridors. Naruto held his ear out, patiently.

'Any time, now.'

He focused.

'There.'

The man stepped on his seal.

There was a loud crashing sound and a loud voice cursed.

"Ha!" Naruto crowed, extirpating from the pile of limbs. The two women groaned at being woken up so unpleasantly. He opened the door. "Got you, you old coot!"

"Damn it, Naruto!" Jiraiya growled from his spot on the floor.

"You fell for the oldest trap in the book! 'Always be on your guard', my ass! Told you not to go after my girl for the night, Jiraiya!"

"Little bastard…" Jiraiya cursed. "I regret ever taking you in — I saw Miho first, you did nothing!"

"I told you I was going to approach her! It's a wonder your cock even works at all, old man." Naruto snorted.

"Not too old to capture your girl's attention, apparently." Jiraiya muttered. "It must feel terrible, losing out to a more handsome, clever, more experienced man… To think I taught you. Minato would have picked her up easily!"

"What did you just say?!"

"Nothing, kid." He grunted. "Nothing at all."

Besides, she had ended up leaving both of them hanging anyway.

"Admit it, Naruto." The older man began. "You had fun going out with your favorite uncle."

Naruto grunted, a vague smile pulling on his lips. "Maybe a little."

They were preparing breakfast — perhaps the women would stay, perhaps they wouldn't. It was a well practiced routine, at this point.

"Who did you even end up leaving with, yesterday night?" Jiraiya asked, frying some onions in a pan.

"That's a secret." Naruto grinned, setting down the steamed rice. "But I think I won, anyway."

Jiraiya scoffed. "Highly doubt it. You just coast by on your looks — but that won't last forever."

"You'd know all about it." Naruto chuckled. "But thanks for the compliment."

"Hmpf. I should have drowned you while I could."

"Come and try to fix your mistake, oh Honored Elder."

"Maybe I will." Jiraiya said noncommittally.

"Later, though. They're coming down — I told them about breakfast."

"Them…?" Jiraiya's eyebrows rose.

Naruto smiled.

Just as he had said, two pretty women came down the stairs. Jiraiya's experienced eyes roamed over them in a way that looked entirely innocent.

Regular perverts were shunned by society — or so Jiraiya said anyway.

But neither Naruto nor his teacher/father figure/creepy uncle were regular perverts in any way.

They were true, honest to gods (and to women, despite what jealous men would sometimes say), Gallant Sages. And as such, they shared a bond — metaphorically — that allowed them to understand what the other was thinking, without needing to say it out loud.

Naruto's eyes twinkled.

'Two of them?' Jiraiya asked him through the Gallant Universe.

'Indeed.'

'…I'm almost proud, kid.'

'Told you I was winning this one.'

Jiraiya just chuckled mysteriously.

He clapped his hands and jumped.

The sun shone behind Jiraiya's back. His geta clicked together before he came down. His long, thick hair obscured his face as he twirled. It almost seemed to grow longer.

The room seemed to become wider around him, full of his imposing presence. And vitality, too. Here was a man who was sixty, but didn't look a day over forty. And the exuberance of one who was twenty.

"By the water!" He began.

His geta continued to click as he side-stepped, wagging his finger. Flames seemed to rise in the background, bathing the room in their otherworldly light. The women watched, breathless.

Behind them, Naruto's own geta clicked, doing the counter-harmony.

"They sit down!" The younger man called.

Chakra crackled to life, bright and warm.

"Basket on their knees!" Jiraiya called.

Thunder boomed in between his fingers, turning his hair even wilder.

"The girls watch the wind pass—"

Naruto's hands blurred and two regal looking toads appeared, carrying baskets of food.

"In the girls' hands—" Jiraiya continued, clapping.

It was early in the day. Naruto still poured sake in five cups with an experienced hand.

"Red cups!"

The toads carried them to the women's hands.

"The girls descend from the heavens—" Jiraiya said.

"Down to earth and share cups at the watering place!" Naruto finished.

The smoke, fire and lightning slowly faded away, and both men guided their attention toward the table.

The women stood there.

'…I don't think they got it.' Jiraiya frowned.

'Me neither.'

Naruto invited the two nameless women to sit down at the table with a grandiose flourish.

Now they got it.

They sat down and they began eating a pleasant meal. Half of the conversation was the exact same one Naruto and Jiraiya had, about once a week. A well-oiled routine, really.

'Is your partner dead…?' Naruto mused in between jokes he had told and listened to about a hundred times.

'She's probably just exhausted.' Jiraiya said cockily. 'Not to toot my own horn, but—"

'Yeah, I'd understand that.' Naruto thought. 'Something something about trying to make a limp noodle stand up - for hours - before giving up.'

'…I miss Minato every day a little more.'

'You said he was a pansy just yesterday... and how glad you were that I was with you.'

'That was the sake talking.'

'You're still drunk.'

Jiraiya just chuckled to himself, drawing curious looks from the two women. 'Of course. That's how I cope with having you around.'

Footsteps from up the stairs.

"What's all this noise for?" A new voice called.

Kurotsuchi of Iwa came down the stairs, yawning.

Naruto cursed.

'…Is that…?'

Not that there was any doubt about who she was, she was glaring at him as soon as she noticed him.

'Yes.'

'But… She hates Konoha and my dad.'

Jiraiya laughed lecherously. 'She certainly does! All the better for me.'

'Damn it — she's around my age, so… like twenty-five — not even half your age, you dirty old—'

'I know, right?' Jiraiya grinned. 'I blame grand-daddy issues.'

'That's… pretty unsavory, even for you.' Naruto sighed. 'But I guess you win this one.'

Kurotsuchi left pretty soon, once the fact that Naruto was here too sank in.

Either the Yellow Flash's son's presence was simply too much, or she was finally starting to regret spending the night with his old man.

Then she kissed Jiraiya goodbye and thanked him for the night.

Naruto tasted ash in his mouth.

Jiraiya didn't wink at him. Ignoring him, Naruto continued regaling the two women with a tale.

"—That was back in Suna." Naruto continued. "I met some important man's daughter one afternoon. We went to some cafe that night."

"I think it was a dancing bar." Jiraiya corrected. Naruto thanked him.

"A cafe or a bar?" One of them — brown-haired one — frowned.

"Yeah, a cafe/bar combo. Then we went back to hers — the only problem was we had to separate."

"Did you have to take a carriage because it was far away?"

"I'm a ninja…" Naruto tried to remember her name. He played it off. "I don't need a driver to drop me home."

"And neither did she because—" Jiraiya started.

"Don't spoil it, old man."

Jiraiya grumbled. It was one of his favorite stories.

"It was the most sketchy shit ever, really." Naruto grinned. "I couldn't be seen, heard, or even thought of."

"…Why?" Blonde one asked.

"I'm getting to it — I had to sneak past her father, her brothers—"

"And she slapped him out of nowhere while they were fuc—"

"Gods, will you stop it, you old coot?!" Naruto raged.

"My bad, it's the pride, you know." Jiraiya wiped a fake tear away. Naruto hid a pleased grin.

"Well, since the story's already ruined…" Naruto sighed. "Do you want to hear the kicker?"

One of the two women stared at him, nonplussed. The other seemed curious.

"She was the Kazekage's daughter." Naruto grinned.

"…Lady Temari of the Highwind?" One of the two asked.

"More like Temari the Thin-Skinned." Naruto muttered.

"That one, exactly." Jiraiya said, with a glimmer of true pride in his eyes.

"Then the Kazekage threatened to cut my dick off for defiling his daughter." Naruto added.

"To tear it off using his gold dust, you mean." Jiraiya nodded proudly.

"Yeah, that." Naruto nodded. "I'm bad with details."

Jiraiya was too full of vicarious pride not to remember everything about his tales. Which was... somewhat disturbing, at times.

"So, why…" One of them began, frowning. "Do you think this is a good story to tell to someone you just slept with?"

"Ah, but that's the beauty of it. You see—" Naruto grinned.

There was a loud crashing sound.

The earth shook.

The two women panicked and left the house half-dressed.

Naruto groaned. "Oh, come on, we were just getting to the best part…"

He heard two people talking outside.

The seals protecting their isolated — temporary — bachelor pad were dispelled. Jiraiya and he shared a look.

'Escape plan?'

'Let's go for Angry Husband #3: Suspicious, with no actual proof.'

Naruto's Sage Mode told him there were two intruders. A man and a woman. Each of them with a strong, strong presence.

"—Yeah, I think we can work on our precision a bit more." The woman said.

"Well, no one was around, right?" The man answered.

"What if there had been?"

"I don't deal in what-ifs, that's more Ino's thing."

The door slammed open.

Naruto stared.

That was… himself. But more importantly…

The man was about as tall as Jiraiya himself. Which meant that he was taller than he was himself. He was somehow larger than he was, too. And Naruto was already beefy.

Unacceptable.

Oh, and he had the Rinnegan, too.

"Hey, are you guys the Gallant Sages?" The woman, who looked like she might well be Karin's twin sister - except she was a solid 9 to Karin's 7 —, asked.

Naruto leaned back into his seat. "Ah…" He began, sighing, quite dramatically. Jiraiya had taught him all about theatrics, and he knew not to overact, still.

He drank from his cup of sake. So did Jiraiya.

"Well, well. That…" Jiraiya said, chuckling, in between his own sips. "Was a long time ago."

The man stared at them. To him, it sounded like a well-practiced routine.

Because it was.

"They're preparing to escape." Other-Karin warned.

"I know."

Naruto cursed.

"There will be no need for that." Other-him warned. "You remember something about Uzushio's artifacts?"

"The city's been destroyed." Naruto said.

"Not quite. So?"

"…We did take a few things from an outpost or two — clan grounds, too." Naruto admitted. "It was my birthright, though — I'm Uzumaki by birth. Though I assume that as Uzumaki yourself…"

Jiraiya released a smoke screen. Naruto slammed his hands together with a roar.

They were reverse-summoned.

Except they weren't.

The smoke cleared and they were still sitting at the table.

Jiraiya chuckled. "Well, now that's awkward."

The others stared at them. At least, they looked somewhat amused.

"…Do you guys want any tea and food?" Naruto offered. A well-fed enemy might find themselves in a good mood, which improved chances of survival.

"Are you going to poison it?" Other-him asked.

"…Only if you want me to."

No poison, then.

"We're world travelers." Other-Naruto clarified. "Which is why you look like me."

"You look like me." Naruto frowned. "Except without my magnetic—"

"What are you doing here…?" Jiraiya mused, scratching his chin, looking very casual about his interest in the matter.

"We're looking for more Rinnegan—" Other-Naruto began. Jiraiya's eyes tightened.

"Avoiding a white-haired immortal." Other-Karin piped in.

"Don't embarrass me in front of the frog boys."

Naruto frowned. The only white-haired immortal that he knew of was some guy called Hidan, who had been too fond of orgies — the murdering kind, not the fun kind.

"We're toad men." Jiraiya corrected with a frown.

"All right, frog boys." Other-Naruto nodded. "We're kinda pacifying a few worlds at the same time — though we don't necessarily stick around to oversee the process. We just did so here, too."

Naruto laughed easily. "But our world is at peace. We made sure of it, with this old guy."

"I made sure of it, with this hothead." Jiraiya nodded surely.

Other-Naruto stared at them, unimpressed. "What about Obito?"

"Obiwho?" Naruto chuckled. "Never heard of that."

"The guy with the Rinnegan." Other-Karin said, frowning.

"Oh, Nagato." Naruto realized. Jiraiya's face looked a bit somber. "Yeah, we took care of him a few years ago. That's why we can afford to relax and have fun."

"Not him—" Karin frowned. "Oh, whatever. We took care of him, anyway."

"See?" Naruto shrugged. "The world's at peace — might not be for too long once Ōnoki figures his rival's student slept with his granddaughter."

Jiraiya grinned.

Other-Naruto frowned. "Ōnoki had a rival?"

"Has a rival." Naruto stressed. "The Third Hokage."

"…He's alive?" The others shared a look.

(Other-Naruto found the idea of Orochimaru sleeping with Kurotsuchi of Iwa to be so wildly uncomfortable that he didn't bother asking anything about it.)

"Alive and well — retired, though." Jiraiya said. "Maito Gai took the job - I definitely didn't."

Other-Naruto and Karin shared another look.

"…Was there no one else?" He tilted his head.

"A bit of respect for our Fifth." Naruto pretended to frown. "Also, no. Kakashi didn't feel like doing it."

"Figures."

"He's doing a great job, though." Jiraiya nodded.

"So great that you both left." Karin pointed out.

"Well…" Jiraiya scratched his chin. "Mandatory spandex sounded like a great idea..." He began, lecherously.

"...Until we realized that we would have to wear them too… and they show everything." Naruto finished.

Karin made a face.

Naruto found that he quite liked her — a challenge was always more fun, and what was better than a strong woman, really…?

"And living together in a bachelor pad in the middle of nowhere sounded like a better alternative?" Other-Naruto asked.

Naruto didn't hesitate. "Yes."

"Also, there was... Well. Something happened with the current Hokage's former student." Jiraiya muttered. "Because someone couldn't keep it in-"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "You'd think that for all his talk about youth, he'd be a bit more progressive, really."

"…What is this scoreboard for…?" Karin asked the two natives.

Naruto decided that he would call his other self Gama. It fit the bill for the toad boy-... man.

Gama and Jiraiya shared a look and both let out dirty chuckles.

"Forget that I asked." Karin grunted. "I think I get the idea already. I won't ask about the scratch map either."

"I'm currently leading." Gama said proudly. "Because I slept with a mother and her daughter — not at the same time, mind you—"

Naruto let out a long, relieved breath. "Finally! I was starting to think I might really be the worst Naruto around."

"I'd say something about how misogynistic that is, but well…" Karin began. "I don't think you guys would care."

"Hey, hold on!" The older Naruto frowned. "How can this be misogynistic? Our friend Nao is doing the exact same thing, and nobody gives her shit for it!"

"…Is she counting points?" Karin asked.

"Yup." The Toad Sage nodded. "She's great at it, really."

"…Is she saying this to random people?"

Gama winced. "Nah. Just to us."

"There you have it." Karin shrugged.

"Well… she got twins, last time." Gama pouted. "But then again, maybe it's easier for her because she's a woman."

"That is misogynistic." Jiraiya pointed out.

"No, I just meant—"

"Listen to your teacher." Karin cut him off.

"No I just meant that men are just more prone to thinking with—"

"That's misandristic." Jiraiya nodded.

Gama sighed and wisely decided to shut up. He had been about to point out that he had many friends who were women, too. Maybe it wouldn't have been a good point to make.

"So… back to the artifacts." Naruto said, before they could get derailed too much. "What did you get…?"

Jiraiya grinned. "Now that would be telling."

Naruto sighed. "What do you want?"

"I want to join in on your world-hopping." The man nodded. "I'm always looking for more adventure so that I can find inspiration for my novels."

"Deal. If you give us the artifacts, we'll show you a world or two." Karin said.

"Later, of course." Jiraya nodded. "I don't pay upfront, so…"

"How did you even get past the Uzumaki seals…?" Naruto asked.

"My disciple is the world's youngest Sealmaster." Jiraiya said proudly.

Karin frowned, almost hearing the capital S. "But… there's no certification for that, it's not an official course or anything."

"Well, I am." The slightly older Naruto — Gama — frowned. "Are you calling us liars? We're many things, but... Liars, we're not." He proclaimed. "Cute or not, I don't think—"

"…All I'm saying is that I don't think—"

"That there is anything like this in our homeworld." Naruto finished for her.

'Play along with their bullshit, they're probably trying to impress us — or you, rather.'

'But why would they?' Karin frowned.

Naruto just chuckled.

"Whatever." He said at last. "I'll drop an anchor here and then we can leave."

"You can leave your friend with me. As an extra contingency." Gama grinned. So did Jiraiya.

Naruto snorted. "You two are like rabid animals. Maybe I should put you down."

Gama backed off a little bit.

"I'd rather not stay with you, frankly." Karin said.

Gama let out a long suffering sigh.

"Then I guess I'm coming with you too."

"Don't feel the need." Naruto shrugged.

"I said I'm coming." Gama looked him up and down. "You look like you train a lot."

"I guess so." Naruto said noncommittally.

"You must get a lot of chicks, right?" Jiraiya asked.

Naruto was unimpressed. He knew exactly what they were trying to do. Even Karin was catching on, with how unsubtle they were about the whole thing.

"I'm happily married—" Naruto shrugged.

Gama looked at him in disappointment. Twenty-something and married?

"Figures." He began. "Not everyone can-"

"To Karin." Naruto finished.

Gama slapped the table in frustration. He knew that this was a losing battle, now. Hot or not, he didn't feel like dying.

"…And we're both married to three others, and well there's one — or two more —, but it's a complicated story." Naruto finished. Gama forgot about his previous thought. This was a man.

Gama grinned brightly and gave him a thumbs up. Jiraiya nodded slowly.

"…You're alright in my book. Alright, bring us to where you're going, then." Gama declared. "It's a lewd new world out there!"

'And there won't be a Sasuke trying to kill me for sleeping with his now-wife, there. Wherever that is.' Gama thought privately. How could he have known…?

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(Gama)

(To the guests... I can't answer you directly, but I love you anyways; and will likely use some of the provided concepts cause they're cool)