Jiraiya suddenly had a sinking feeling.

"…Look, maybe we should just leave them alone." He said. He had had enough of Orochimaru's bullshit for a lifetime… or two. And he was afraid that—

Both Karin and Naruto ignored him entirely.

Gama nodded in appreciation, looking the newcomer up and down. 'I totally would.'

The woman sneered at him, which only convinced him some more.

Orochimaru spread his arms mockingly.

"…You might have heard of her." He began proudly, putting a hand on his disciple's shoulder.

Orochimaru continued.

"The woman who defeated Killer Bee in battle."

Once the words left his mouth, he let them hang in the air. They carried weight.

"That's the rapper guy, right?" Naruto asked Karin, whispering.

"That's him." She nodded.

Orochimaru continued, taking their whispers as something it wasn't.

"That is right." He smiled sardonically. "The former world's strongest jinchuuriki. For she is…"

The younger woman at Orochimaru's side stared at them with cool eyes and even colder confidence. Which meant it was undoubtedly very cold.

"Hebi of the Nine-Tails." Orochimaru finished with dramatic finality.

Silence.

'Do you know a Hebi?' Karin asked.

'There was that one Sasuke's vigilante group — I think.' Naruto tried.

The silence was broken by a clap. Gama walked forward.

"…Tremble before her might." He began dramatically. "For she has…"

"The Nine-Tails." Naruto finished, sounding entirely bored. Gama glared at him for ruining what could well have been a perfectly appropriate entrance. And a way for him to gain some points with her, too.

Orochimaru frowned at their lack of reaction.

"…We should really get going." Jiraiya repeated. More urgently, this time.

"To think that Jiraiya, out of all people, would have some common sense." Orochimaru mocked, falling back in comfortable patterns. "Although… I cannot help but notice the markings on these two men's cheeks… How… familiar." He hissed — he did that quite often.

"I never liked the way you looked at me, you creep." Gama frowned. "Maybe it's time we fight again."

"…Do we know each other?" Orochimau frowned as well.

"Of course, I am—"

"He's that Kumo guy — Gintoki's son." Naruto spoke over him. "Oh, and he's… my brother, too. Of course."

Gama muttered something rude in answer.

"Which means they are both that man's son." Karin nodded. "Yup."

"…Yeah, Gintoki's my father." Gama nodded. "Hence the whiskers."

Orochimaru gave them a dry look. "Ginkaku. Should you lie to strangers, do make sure the lie is at least believable. Besides, Kinkaku was the blond one."

"Ah, yeah, true." Naruto slapped his forehead.

"You always mix them up." Karin chided. "Enhanced memory, my ass."

"It's been a long time since I had to bullshit." Naruto frowned. "And same goes to you, dear. Also… I never knew which one was which."

Hebi stared at them, her golden eyes roaming between the four of them.

When she spoke, her voice sounded like a hiss — or something equally snakelike.

"So… you have obtained a piece of the Nine-Tails for yourself." Hebi said, coolly.

Gama let out a small shiver of pleasure at being talked to so coldly. '…I really have some issues to sort through.' He thought. But coldness would make victory all the more sweeter; for what was more of a conquest than melting an unthawable wall of ice…?

Gama was an explorer, a man that boldly stepped where others didn't dare even dare to think that man could go.

He ran where others walked. He acted where others just talked. Any woman he wanted… he would get.

And he wanted her.

He could imagine her sweet, sweet moans under his ministrations already.

Gama took in her lithe form once more to give himself countenance and nodded to himself. Hebi gave him a disgusted look in return.

"You figured us out." Karin nodded, relieved at having found a way out. "That's exactly what we did. We took a piece of the Nine-Tails… somewhere."

"I helped them, of course." Jiraiya added.

"I know you well enough to tell when you are lying, Jiraiya." Orochimaru hissed.

"Told ya to shut up, you old coot." Gama jumped on the opportunity.

"…Next time you interrupt me in front of my ex-teammate, you're getting the beating of a lifetime, Naruto." He retorted.

Hebi stiffened at the name. Orochimaru's eyes tightened.

Naruto noticed.

Karin nodded, having solved this case already. She and Naruto convened through thought.

"So, that's what it is." Naruto chuckled easily.

"…May I ask you what you find so amusing?" Orochimaru asked, coldly.

"You can stop with the mysterious vibe, Orochimaru." Karin retorted. "A Sasuke told us that about Uchiha Mikoto and Uzumaki Kushina's friendship."

"We saw how she reacted to that name—" Naruto continued.

"—That she bears no trace of Uchiha chakra at all is proof of it."

"Proof of what, exactly?" Gama frowned.

Jiraiya was still trying to urge them to get out of here entirely.

"Please." Hebi rolled her eyes condescendingly and Gama adjusted his pants, almost imperceptibly. Karin let out a groan of disgust.

"Yes…" Orochimaru jeered. "Do share whatever nugget of wisdom you have just stumbled upon now…"

Karin chuckled. "Isn't it obvious?"

Naruto nodded. "Your disciple is quite obviously Mikoto and Kushina's lesbian lovechild. Uzumaki Naruto. Or Naruko, whatever. And her true, Uchiha, heritage was hidden away from the world — we saw something like this happen a few times."

…

Silence.

Gama's horrified face was a sight to behold.

"What…?" He squeaked. "Kushina…? My…? I thought that she was… I don't know… Got some Nine-Tails — No… Oh, gods."

Karin and Naruto smiled. They went for their usual celebratory handshake at yet another mystery solved.

Jiraiya looked at Orochimaru almost hopefully. "…Is she?"

Gama looked up. 'Please, make it untrue.'

Orochimaru closed his eyes in consternation. "What do they teach young shinobi nowadays…?"

"They were both women." Hebi hissed.

"With seals, this is very much within the realm of possibility." Karin nodded. "The futanari seal would be another option, if they went this route."

Jiraiya inched away from her.

"So close… Yet so far. Mitsuki…" Orochimaru began in consternation. "Please show them."

"But f… sensei, you said never to—" Hebi said. Jiraiya twitched.

"I know what I said, Mitsuki." He sighed. "This is an exception."

With a nod, Mitsuki — apparently not Hebi — broke her Impression seal. Her true nature was revealed.

Naruto stopped laughing.

Mitsuki's eyes were a very familiar golden. And the purple marks around them were just as familiar.

"No." Jiraiya looked as though he was in physical pain. He had hoped to be wrong. "Please, gods. No. Just… not this—"

Two thoughts ran through Gama's shattered mind.

He had lusted after his half-sister…?

Bad enough. But…

Orochimaru… and his mother…?

His heart was hammering into his chest, and for a moment, he thought he was about to have a stroke. Or maybe a panic attack — which would be a first. His stomach roiled, and it was definitely not the ship's tranquil sailing causing it.

'No. Nuh uh. No… no no. No no. No nono—'

Gama bent over and threw up this morning's beer all over the deck.

Karin only felt pity for him.

"Orochimaru…" Gama moaned, spitting chunks. He deflected responsibility. "You sick bastard."

Naruto looked as though he was feeling a bit ill as well. He hadn't known his parents, but the idea that somewhere out there… Orochimaru was his father… was very uncomfortable. He could almost hear the man's mocking laugh. And gods… if Sakura or Toru ever learned about this…

Karin only felt compassion for him.

"How could you do this..?" Jiraiya asked in consternation. An orb of raging blue chakra whirled to life in his hand.

His eyes were hard.

"Kushina was Minato's wife—" He gritted out.

"…She was." Mitsuki said. "But she was with my father first."

Orochimaru closed his eyes, remembering painful, beautiful memories. A long, cold, passionate night.

"That makes no fucking—" Gama cried out angrily, wiping his mouth. "How does this happen?! Orochimaru?! Stop lying!"

"I assure you, it is nothing but the truth. Kushina—"

"Stop!" He moaned, sounding in pain.

"But it is true. All of it." Orochimaru whispered. "Kushina and I loved each other." Orochimaru said with a pained expression.

"STOP!"

"I couldn't stay in the village, and she knew it. Our relationship was a short-lived, passionate one." He continued, looking at Mitsuki tenderly. "But out of it… came something beautiful—"

Gama vomited again.

"Minato was as understanding as a man can be, of course." Orochimaru said, looking at the churning sea. "He loved Kushina and promised to take care of her child, no matter what. And he died to seal the Nine-Tails inside my daughter."

"Ah, yes… of course." Naruto muttered. "That makes a whole lot of sense." He deadpanned.

"My dad chose to kill himself rather than dealing with your spawn!" Gama accused.

A snake flashed out of Mitsuki's sleeve. An armored toad blocked the strike.

The half-siblings glared at each other. Gama kept his eyes firmly above her neckline.

"Well… The Fourth kinda did the same to us, too." Naruto muttered. It didn't really reach Gama's ears.

Karin was also starting to believe that Namikaze Minato just disliked children and taking care of them.

"You tricked her into drinking your snake juice!" Gama growled. He was too angry to even highlight a pun he would otherwise have enjoyed. "That's why she looks like you!"

"That is my real appearance, you imbecilic frog-child!" Mitsuki hissed.

"More lies!" Gama shot back, seamlessly entering Sage Mode. "Your eyes were black five minutes ago! And they are toads!"

"That was the disguise!" She entered Sage Mode as well.

"This is where I disagree." Naruto rolled his eyes. "Why would anyone choose to look like an Uchiha…?"

"I mean… there are people in Konoha with black hair and dark eyes who aren't Uchiha." Karin contested. "You're just being rude again."

"I can't name one." Naruto frowned. "…Lee? Is he an Uchiha bastard? He's pretty fast. Stubborn, emotional …and possibly mentally ill, too."

Next to them, Jiraiya shook with barely repressed rage. He breathed in. Out. In. Out.

"Is he lying…? Karin." The man asked, looking at the end of his rope.

"He's telling the truth, Jiraiya." Karin told him. "I can assure you."

He closed his eyes, and the light left his eyes. An empty smile formed upon his lips.

Gama and Mitsuki were still fighting it out, making sure to avoid destroying the ship. Both Orochimaru and the empty husk that had once been Jiraiya kept an eye on them still, as though they were disobedient children.

"No, but for real… What's the disguise's point?" Naruto asked again.

"I believe that you will need to ask Sarutobi-sensei that." Orochimaru said dryly. "As well as why he hid my daughter from me."

"Ah." Naruto nodded in realization. "Yeah, the old man has a bad habit of doing this sort of shit — not the first time we see this. He kinda fucked me up too."

Besides Karin, no one was listening.

Jiraiya was gripping the ship's railing now, looking toward the horizon. He ignored all of them.

Gama continued to fight. Mitsuki. His fate. His nature. The truth.

Either, really. Or perhaps all of them at the same time.

"So let me get this straight." Naruto nodded. "She grew up as Uzumaki Naruto — Naruko, sorry —, an orphan with no heritage. Twelve or so years pass and you two meet. Because Orochimaru is just a misunderstood nice guy, who definitely didn't experiment on children, not even on the village's orders. Turns out that you made her your student, had her change her name to Hebi and taught her how to be her own person — but not under Konoha's influence, because you can't trust Konoha because your old sensei didn't give you the leader's sacred hat. Turns out that she actually happens to be the Fourth Hokage and your past lover's secret daughter — and you didn't even realize that uh… your ex was pregnant because she never bothered to tell you in the first place. Then after you decided to reveal her secret identity and break that pesky Impression seal…" Naruto was running out of breath. "It turns out that she actually is your daughter, and you decide to name her Mitsuki because Hebi was the name that you gave her when you thought she was just a random person that you happened to pick up out of the infinite compassion that we all know you for. And then it turns out that you can't trust Konoha at all anymore because they lied to you yet again and hid her true heritage and that means that it's suddenly you and her against the entire world."

He took a long breath.

"Did I get it right?"

"Yes." Orochimaru nodded. "Exactly."

Naruto stared at him.

"…No child murder on your hands? Are you sure sure?"

Orochimaru frowned. "Why would I bother killing children? They cannot fight back."

"…Any thoughts?" Karin asked, after she got both Gama and Hebi to stop fighting. It had involved wrapping a hand around someone's neck.

"It's… pretty convoluted. Anyway I'm going to call her Hebi, my… nephew knows a Mitsuki already." Naruto decided.

Mitsuki-… Hebi muttered something impolite.

"What's your deal?" Karin frowned. "It's supposed to be your cover name anyway."

Jiraiya continued to stare at the horizon, listlessly.

"I see it, now. Perhaps…" He began with a wistful smile, looking older than his age. "Perhaps… Yes, perhaps I've had enough adventure for a lifetime. Maybe I should settle down somewhere… find myself a wife."

Gama wasn't faring much better.

"…Are you alright?" Naruto asked him, managing to even put some worry into it. "You haven't said anything in a while — not that I really mind the silence."

Gama barely blinked.

"Orochimaru cucked my dad." He muttered. "…I'm not alright."

Jiraiya just nodded solemnly, never breaking eye contact with the waves.

"Same here, kid. Same here."

"…Cucking?" Naruto frowned. "Gods… You guys are obsessed. Is everything about sex to you?"

Karin raised an eyebrow.

"Not sex itself." Gama muttered. "Sex is about power — or so I used to think. I… I don't know, man. I just want to go home. Away from these creepy snakes."

Hebi seemed to consider attacking Gama again. Orochimaru just rolled his eyes.

"Well…" Karin began. "Since nobody seems to be fighting right now." She gave Hebi a pointed look. "Let's… enjoy the cruise, alright? We still have a few things we came for, right?"

Besides Naruto, nobody reacted.

"Right…?"

"Whatever, Jiraiya paid for it anyway." Naruto shrugged.

"With my soul." Jiraiya said softly, still not looking at either of them.

Naruto shrugged. "Let's move then, dear. Don't attack each other while the parents are away, kids."

…He was the youngest here, physically. Nobody reacted.

Naruto left with Karin.

Hebi and Orochimaru went the other way, in spite of their lack of definitive answers.

"Say…" Gama asked, not looking Jiraiya in the eye. "You never had anything for my mom, right…?"

"…"

"Old man…?" He almost begged.

Jiraiya didn't look away. "…I see beauty everywhere, kid."

Gama swallowed his question down. The multiverse was vast… and he would really rather not know.

"That was weird." Karin decided.

"Yeah." Naruto agreed.

"They'll probably calm down on their own."

Naruto gave her an unsure expression.

"Well… Whatever they decide… Please don't tell Toru or Sakura." Naruto muttered. "I'd rather not have them call me Orochimaru's son for the next three years. They've been waiting for something to hold over my head for a while. This…"

"I won't—" She smiled.

"You're the best." He sighed in relief.

"Of course — One condition, though." She said. Naruto hoped she wasn't about to ask him to do the impossible, as… another of their wives — or perhaps two of them — would. "…My neck is a bit stiff, could you…?" Karin asked.

"Of course!" Naruto said brightly.

"What do you think…?" Orochimaru asked his daughter.

She made a derisive sound. "They are fools — most of them. Strong, certainly, but fools nonetheless."

"Of course, of course." Orochimaru nodded. "Though I have to wonder where Jiraiya found them…" He mused. "Naruto, he said."

"…The three that accompanied him had chakra that were similar, in some aspects."

"How similar…?" Orochimaru squinted. His daughter was a much better sensor than he could ever pretend to be. Maybe it was in her blood.

Mitsuki…— Hebi hesitated. "The two men's were the closest in nature — perhaps there is a modicum of truth to their lies and they truly are siblings."

"Perhaps." Orochimaru said noncommittally.

"The woman's chakra… felt similar to mine and—"

"Well, she is quite obviously Uzumaki." Orochimaru nodded.

"—To Nagato's."

Orochimaru's head whipped around. "…What?"

"Yes." Hebi nodded. "But something is hidden. And the same goes for the man that is close to her. I cannot tell much more."

"That is… interesting."

If they truly were in possession of the Rinnegan — how they had managed to hide it, he could not figure…

"Anything else…?"

Hebi hesitated.

Which was something that usually meant bad news.

"The weakest of the two men is in possession of the Nine-Tails — some piece of it, at least."

Orochimaru sighed. Why did he come here again…?

Ah, yes. To taunt Jiraiya. Maybe it hadn't been worth it, this time.

"As for the two others… I cannot say. But there are traces of Bijuu chakra in their system — both of them. A lot of it."

Definitely not worth it.

World #07 - Hokage Naruto's Konoha.

Punch.

"Your father is a very busy man." Uchiha Sarada repeated, in a high-pitched voice.

Kick.

"But he really cares about you, dear." She continued, mockingly.

Punch.

"If he could be with you—"

Punch.

"He would give you all his focus."

Kick.

"I'm sure that—"

Punch.

The training log broke. She found another one.

"He's thinking of you, wherever he is."

Kick.

"Yeah, right!" She growled. "I'm sure my father is not the sort of man who would waste his time trying to impress my teammate because he's jealous of his stupid Uncle!"

Punch.

"Right?!"

No one answered; she was alone.

Kick.

Punch.

Another tree fell.

"Stupid dad! I hate you!" She roared. "I hate you I hate you I hate y—"

"Fascinating." A voice called out.

Sarada stiffened. "Where are you…? Who are you?"

"I haven't seen such potential since… myself." The newcomer mused.

Her mother had specifically warned Sarada against listening to strangers who talked about power — even more so if they kept to the shadows and had long silky hair.

It had sounded like it was too… specific at the time, and Sarada had thought her mother was just being too paranoid about the world — once more… But perhaps she had a point here.

Anyway, the stranger didn't have black hair… and she could see no snakes either.

Sarada stared, trying to see through the darkness. At times like these, she wished she had the Sharingan already. Konohamaru-sensei had promised to help her with that, but apparently was in the hospital after some meeting that had gone wrong.

"Come out, whoever you are." Sarada warned, gripping a kunai.

She was maybe starting to regret coming out to train this late. But her dad had been so annoying today.

The woman came out of the shadows.

"…Mom?" Sarada asked.

No, it wasn't her. It was that scarred woman from the restaurant, that one time. The one her parents disliked.

"I'm not your mom — Call me Sakura."

"Mom told me very specifically not to talk to you." Sarada said. "I'm going home."

She began walking that way. The woman did nothing to prevent her from leaving.

"You know, when I was around your age… I had a big, ugly fight with my parents, too." Sakura said.

Sarada stiffened. And she stopped walking. "…Why?"

Sakura stared off in the distance. "I… got injured some time before that, and they didn't want me to become a shinobi anymore."

Sarada listened, unsure as to why she was doing it in the first place.

"…But becoming a shinobi was all I wanted — and even more so after the injury, because what else could allow a teenage… cripple to live their life?"

"Why?"

"Why what…?" Sakura retorted. "Why did I want to live my life?"

Sarada shook her head.

"Why are you telling me?"

Sakura shrugged. "On a whim."

(And maybe she had heard the vitriol aimed at Sasuke and been impressed.)

"…I'm surprised."

"Yeah, I noticed you didn't see me coming, it was becoming kind of awkward to wait in the shadows—"

"That you're telling me all this, I mean." Sarada admitted.

"Oh?"

"You uh…" Sarada hesitated. "Mom told me that you were…"

"A real bitch?"

"…I mean, she didn't say it like that." Sarada said weakly. Not exactly.

("—she's a total bitch, damn it!")

"Oh no?" Sakura frowned. "That's what I would have said, in her shoes. Guess we really are different." She sounded relieved.

"…Why are you telling me this, then?"

"You're a bit like me, really." Sakura nodded. "Incredible brains and good looks… talent and the Sharingan."

"…So what did you do, then?" Sarada asked, not mentioning anything about her distinct lack of Sharingan… or where Sakura had found hers.

"What about?"

"…Your parents." Sarada muttered.

"Ah."

Sakura looked at her, and patted her head. Not in a way that would be fitting for a kid, though. It looked more like a rough, clumsy pat… like one would give to a strange animal they didn't quite know what to make of.

Sakura looked at her other-self's daughter, ready to impart some life-changing wisdom.

Sakura laughed. "Well I ran away of course."

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