Or: Meeting the In-Laws (Kinda)
World #7570 - Tokyo
"May I come in?"
…
The evening sky was tinted orange and pink.
The Namikaze-Uzumaki household lay in silence.
Nacchan shook like a leaf.
Inside their apartment, the largest man Nacchan could remember seeing lowered his head as he passed through the door. He moved through the room, perfectly at ease, looking imposing in every way. And Nacchan thought he could smell ozone layered under his perfume, but that made no sense.
Each slow step the man took felt as though it drove a nail into Nacchan's stomach.
The man avoided the loose boards that would have groaned under his weight.
The man had blond, golden hair, something that seemed to make the hair color that he himself and Gama happened to share seem like a pale imitation. His eyes were almost glowing, and he didn't seem entirely human, in spite of his easy smile and polite words.
Also, he looked like he could crush Nacchan inside his palm.
Kushina said nothing. Minato said nothing. He motioned at a chair hesitantly.
Nacchan waited to die.
…
Uzumaki Naruto — the one who was not Nacchan — leaned back into his chair.
Then he leaned back some more, until the physics of the movement stopped making any sense at all.
Nacchan's hands continued to shake.
"Thank you for welcoming me in." Naruto said, with a smile that he probably meant to be appeasing.
"…Are you a vampire, by any chance?" Kushina tried to joke, eying her plate and trying to figure out its garlic content. In case.
The man blinked. "A… vampire?"
"Yeah." She said. "Night's falling, you insisted on having us let you in, and you look like you could rip this door out of its hinges. Can fire kill you?"
"I mean, in the right circumstances, yes. I guess. Like most people." Naruto said. "For a little while, at least."
Kushina's eyes narrowed, unsure what he was joking about, or if he was, in the first place.
"No, but really." He said again, forehead creased in confusion. "What is a vampire…?"
"It's a blood-drinker, one that is allergic to the sun." Minato offered, unsure where this night was headed to.
"Ah. Like a heliophobic Nure-onna, then?" He mused. "A bit like Orochimaru, then."
Minato tensed. Kushina discreetly dug into her pockets for her brass knuckles — a bad habit that Minato would never manage to convince her to get rid of.
"…Did he send you?" Minato asked tightly. "Are you his… enforcer?"
"Who…? Orochimaru?" Naruto frowned. "Of course not. I never even met yours. I told you I'm a world-traveler already."
"…Ah, yes, of course." Minato deadpanned. He gave the phone a quick glance. "A... world-traveler."
Nacchan, still shaking, motioned no, please with his head. Minato frowned.
"I take it you don't believe me, then." Naruto said.
"You have to admit it doesn't seem very plausible." Minato said evenly. He thought he managed to make it sound neutral, too.
Naruto frowned. "Why not…?"
"Why did you come here?" Minato asked tightly. Nacchan had insisted that he let the man in, and he was only now starting to feel really worried about the entire affair.
"To make amends for the shit that my counterparts have undoubtedly stirred, of course."
He gave Nacchan a pointed look.
"…Gama?" Nacchan croaked out. "And Hebi, you mean?"
"That's them."
"…Who?" Kushina frowned.
"Other selves. Well, two mes from other worlds." Naruto explained.
Minato glared at him.
"And who might you be, then?" He asked, patience wearing out.
Naruto shrugged. "I am the Emperor of my homeworld, a proud husband and father, I guess. Ah, I guess you can call me a ninja, if the word makes sense here, as well."
"…Okay." Minato said. That was dangerous. And he should not have listened to his son. He stood up and opened the door. "I think this has gone on long enough. You shouldn't go out there unmedicated, if you truly believe this."
Naruto looked at him, amused. He didn't move.
Kushina, always a bit more forceful, tried to push him. In spite of Minato's clipped words about not doing it, and that it might just trigger a potential episode—
She didn't manage to budge him at all.
Amusement flickered over Naruto's face. He stood up…
And then leaned back, until he was sitting.
In midair.
There were twin screams.
They didn't come from Nacchan. He was too terrified to even consider doing so, frankly.
…
"Ah." Naruto nodded. "No chakra at all, in this world, then. I thought it was only the natural energy missing."
Kushina, white as a sheet, trembled like a leaf on their couch. Minato wasn't faring much better. His hands were folded in front of his face, and he was sweating.
Nacchan just waited.
"No... magic?" Naruto frowned.
"…No."
"Really? No mana…? Prana…? Aether? Chi?"
"No."
"What's the weird feeling in the air, then...?"
"Pollution."
"Huh. Sorry for the admittedly rough introduction to the concept, then." Naruto said.
"We're fine." Minato said. "We're fine. We're fine."
"…Alright, then." Naruto nodded. "As I said, my name is Uzumaki Naruto, and I came here to fix the damage that has been done to your world."
…
There was a long moment of silence that felt like the justified hesitation one would feel before jumping from a cliff. Or rather, before pushing someone else off a cliff.
And then Naruto tried to explain a few things.
He told them about growing up in a militaristic village, where a good amount of people could access a mystical energy, he told them about growing up to seize the world. He told them about chakra, about multiple realities.
…
"…"
"…"
"…That's exactly why I could never really relax, with psychedelics." Kushina said, giving the window a long look. She waved her hand in front of her face. "You never know if you're going to get a bad batch that's going to cause you some trouble, months later."
"…I think it's real, dear." Minato said.
"Mmmh." She said noncommittally. "If you say so. How do I know you're real? Your face looks kinda strange tonight."
"I guess you can't." He admitted with a rueful grin.
"Mom. Dad." Nacchan muttered. "Please."
Naruto continued, unbothered.
"So. I'm afraid I can't resurrect any people, because of the amount of trouble that would bring my way, but I believe most of anything else, I can help with."
Only silence answered.
"Well…?" He asked. "Don't be shy, tell me."
Nacchan stared at him.
"…Will he come back?"
"Gama?"
"Yes."
"Nope. I removed his… let's say his world-hopping rights." Naruto said.
Nacchan breathed out in relief.
"Good… Good." He said.
"Anything I can help you with…?"
Nacchan hesitated.
Then some more.
"…There are… three people he beat up." He said. "They are… terrible. But still, could you…?"
Naruto nodded.
"Consider them dead." He smiled gently.
Silence.
"What?!" Nacchan hissed. "No. I want you to heal them! Can you do that…? You know what, never mind—"
"Oh." Naruto realized. "Well, I'm not sure why you want me to heal people you hate, but I'm never one to judge other worlds' strange customs." He shrugged. "Give me their names and I will heal them."
"…"
"You have my word." Naruto smiled benignly.
"Is it worth much…?"
"I wouldn't know, but back home, people are willing to do many things to get such a promise from me." Naruto shrugged.
"Oh, yeah…?" Nacchan asked, somewhat snidely. The last weeks hadn't been too kind to him. Still, he hoped he wasn't about to get struck by lightning.
"Yup."
"Can you give us a billion yen, then?" Nacchan asked. Kushina hissed, behind him. "To… help."
Naruto rolled his eyes with a wide, lazy smile. "First, you're lying, and I don't see what this has to do with fixing things. Second of all, I don't know how much a yen is worth."
"I thought so—"
There was a flash of thunder outside, and Naruto pulled a heavy block of gold out of nowhere.
Nacchan stared.
Minato stared.
Kushina stared.
"So I hope this will do, anyway." Naruto said. "Otherwise, I don't really care."
…
"I see." Naruto nodded. "Then I will erase your friends' memories of Gama and Hebi, then. I'll check if they're still under her compulsion, too."
"…Thank you." Nacchan nodded.
"No need for that." Naruto chuckled, dropping a heavy hand on his shoulder. Nacchan felt as though the man could just squeeze and crush him like styrofoam. "Anyone would want to forget having slept with Gama."
Nacchan made a face. "…One of my friends actually had sex with that guy…?"
"Apparently." Naruto shrugged.
"…But who would be dumb enough…?" He asked, ignoring the pit of anxiety that had opened in his stomach again. "Ino wouldn't, Tenten wouldn't… Kurenai-sensei wouldn't."
Naruto blinked.
"Oh, they didn't say?"
"…They said nothing." Nacchan stood up, unsure why he was feeling very worried, now. He thought he heard a ringing noise and his breathing quickened. Hadn't that guy asked about…
"Oh. Well, it's Sakura." Naruto shrugged.
To Nacchan…
It felt like getting the wind knocked out of himself.
Or having a great time on a swing, and then jumping off of it the wrong way, and hitting the earth. Hard.
Or maybe like a bomb went off inside his stomach.
His stomach dropped. Nacchan saw red.
Nacchan began huffing and puffing. And then he had trouble breathing, as though he could hardly stand. His mind was racing, grasping for something, trying to form a cohesive thought. Reaching for something to make it go away. Dad was moving, shouting something. Mom was—
"You are having a panic attack." Naruto said. "Look at me."
Purple eyes seemed to glow.
The feeling was gone.
Only the panic attack itself, though. The other feelings stayed.
Nacchan sat down, dumbfounded.
"W-What…" He said. "…Sakura?"
Naruto winced at his expression.
"…Were you together…? Hebi didn't say. If so, I am very sorry." He said, compassion shining inside his eyes. "Truth can be very bitter."
"No." Nacchan heard himself say.
"Hmm…?"
"No, we were not together." Nacchan mumbled. "I think."
He felt Kushina's hand on his back. The last thing Nacchan wanted to do now was to cry.
Nacchan mumbled something.
"What was that…?" Minato asked.
Naruto's ears picked up on it.
"Bring Gama here...?" He asked. "I could do that, but are you sure?—"
"Bring him." Nacchan muttered again. "Bring that motherfucker here."
"Language." Minato said automatically. Nacchan glared at him. So did Kushina. "…Sorry."
Naruto shrugged.
…
"Naruto…" Minato began, softly.
"…What is it?" Nacchan muttered.
"I can't pretend I understand half of what is happening, but I don't think you should—"
Dark light.
A bruised Gama was dropped on the floor unceremoniously.
He was wearing a tight, dark orange spandex outfit under his standard-issue flak jacket. Naruto chuckled. Gama hadn't been lying about their Kage.
"What the fuck is the meaning of this?" Gama growled. "I thought this shit was over and now — Oh. Nacchan."
He winced.
Nacchan didn't say a single word. He knew that if he had, angry words would have poured out of his mouth like blood from a wound. He clenched a fist and punched Gama in the face with all his might, screaming.
Minato shouted for him to 'stop please', and Kushina shouted for him to 'punch his ear instead.'
Gama's head barely budged from the impact. Nacchan's fingers, on the other hand…
He shook his head in consternation. "…You never learn, then. Nacchan."
He just stood there while Nacchan rained blows at him, making no move to defend himself.
Minato ended up separating them. The rage still boiled inside him.
"Shut up, you whore!"
"I'm not saying anything." Gama said icily.
"SHUT UP!" Nacchan bellowed, throwing himself at him again.
"…What's the matter with you, even?" He muttered.
"You — with Sakura?!" Nacchan roared. "With Sakura!"
Gama froze.
And admittedly, his first answer might not have been his brightest.
"…Which Sakura?" He asked, automatically.
Nacchan howled.
…
And then, there was another flash of dark light.
Nacchan paused, only taking the time to hiccup and let his bruised fists heal up a little. Gama seemed to do his best to ignore him entirely.
Naruto… closed his eyes in consternation.
"Oh, come on. Now…?" He said.
Gama looked at him, now worried at his tone.
"Are you not doing this…?"
"Look at me, you piece of shit!" Nacchan roared suddenly.
His parents pretended they were not here at all.
Gama sighed. "Nacchan, if it's apologies you want—"
"Go fuck yourself!"
Gama made a pained shrug. "…You're kinda late, there. Already did."
A chuckle escaped Naruto's throat, and Gama glared at him, as though he were the one responsible for this particular mess.
Hanabi came out of the portal, dressed in an expensive looking dress. She came toward Naruto and greeted him enthusiastically.
Gama stared, jaw hanging a bit low.
"Ah." Hanabi smiled in recognition. "This dress…? I call it the Evernight Monologue. I know that some dresses come in and out of vogue at any point in history. However, people have worn Hironaka style for more than fifty years back home, and they have looked good on many people, even when they're not trendy, which means they can still look fantastic.
"Now, of course, I'm well aware that the myth of 'timelessness' is just as much something the market pushes at you as much as a current trend is being pushed at you. If there things that were simply fashionable forever, or things that everybody convened were timeless markers of good taste, then people would know. But culture shifts and there's nothing that's truly timeless. What is ubiquitous in one world, one land is exotic or 'foolhardy' in another.
"And taste itself is not timeless — and cannot be. It is very context-sensitive, just as 'what looks good on you' is, depending on what is considered attractive at the time — what looks good today. Which could be well considered vulgar in the past or in the future — for example what if at some point in time, exposing your naked hand becomes a vulgar thing…? Exactly. Although, there's plenty to say about what 'vulgarity' even means, since the notion is rooted in classism. I would know just how much the supposedly 'high' classes don't want any sort of indicator of being from a 'lower' class. All this to say taste is constructed. Fashion is about self-expression, not upholding the values that have been built around you. Do not follow trends, follow your heart, if you absolutely have to."
"Thank you, Hanabi." Naruto nodded. He agreed entirely.
Minato and Kushina stared. Nacchan forgot that he wanted to beat Gama up for a short while.
"Uh…" Minato nodded slowly, eying the landline again. "Thank you?"
"You're welcome." Hanabi smiled brightly.
Kushina wasn't entirely sure what to say. She settled for smiling hesitantly, hoping that they wouldn't take it as a sign of aggression. Also, she kinda agreed.
"You are the closest thing to in-laws there is around, after all." Hanabi said.
Kushina stiffened.
Naruto huffed. "How did you even find me so fast…?"
"I'm getting better at it." She simply said. "Also, I was looking for that other woman. Oh, I warned the others, by the way."
Naruto closed his eyes.
Another portal.
"Are you for real, man…?" Toru whined, as he fell out of the ceiling. He wasn't wearing anything out of the ordinary. "You didn't even tell us you were about to go exploring this place I told you about…?"
"…I left a note."
"Yeah, but it was cryptic."
"Laconic, perhaps." Naruto admitted.
There was yet another flash, and the Namikaze-Uzumaki household froze again.
There was a knock at the window.
Ino and Karin were standing in midair, waiting for them to open the window. Both of them were overdressed, as well.
Gama stared.
The door slammed open, and Minato feared that when he'd turn around, he would see armed forces.
It wasn't the military, though.
Sakura and Yugito were also overdressed — although Sakura's color choice could be… considered peculiar. Yūshirō, tied to his mother's back, just stared tranquilly.
Gama stared.
Matatabi nudged a very silent Uchiha Sarada forward. Minato and Kushina watched as the cat-like monster made out of roaring blue flames sat itself on their couch. Looking at it gave them an impending sense of doom.
"…What the fuck are you guys doing?" Naruto muttered.
"Meeting the in-laws." Yugito shrugged. "Apparently."
The baby made a sound that could sound like approval, if you were entirely deaf.
"Sorry we're late." Sakura said. "Someone forgot to warn us in time."
Nacchan stared at her hair. He only began weeping then.
…
"There, there." Ino whispered, rubbing Nacchan's back soothingly.
"I'm not okay." He said piteously. "I really am not."
"I know." She said. "These things take time."
"I thought we had something—" He whined.
Gama looked away. He kinda knew how Nacchan felt.
Ino nodded patiently. "Yes. I… understand the feeling of the one you love seemingly forgetting about you entirely, in the arms of others." She didn't glare at Naruto.
"…Karin is your wife, too." Naruto grumbled.
"I wasn't necessarily talking about her." She motioned toward Yugito. Naruto shrugged.
Yugito glared at the both of them, and the baby tried to mimic her expression. "Don't."
"What about Tayuya?" Karin piped in. "And Kyoko, Maki, Momoe—"
"…Let's not start now, please." Naruto rolled his eyes. "What do past dalliances matter…?"
"And why don't we bring them in the fold—"
"Karin." Ino said tightly. "No."
"Whatever." She grumbled.
Naruto focused his attention back to the dining table.
"So… all of you are…" Kushina began, eyes narrowed.
"His lovers." Toru said, in shared pain. "Not me, though. Nor the teenager, the baby and the cat."
"Toru." Naruto warned.
"What?" He asked, sounding offended. "These days, I prefer to be thorough."
"I haven't even taken a new lover in years." Naruto scowled.
"Great job." Ino deadpanned. "I can only imagine how difficult this must have been."
Kushina scowled, too.
"…What?"
"You heard me." He shrugged. "Years."
"Who raised you?" Kushina asked tightly. "Because no matter the amount of timespace—"
"Space-time." Hanabi corrected. Kushina nodded gratefully.
"Space-time fuckery involved… I can't believe I had anything to do with it." She said. Then, pointing at Minato, "Nor he."
Naruto just chuckled.
"That's right." He said.
"Otherwise you'd have some morals." She finished. "And certainly not five—"
"Four." Yugito corrected.
"You don't even know what I'm about to say — Five wives!" Kushina said, slamming her fist on the table.
"…Why do you even care? I don't." Gama muttered, covering his eyes with one hand. "He's not your son, anyway." Still, Gama was not looking at either of them. Mostly because he was afraid they would pick up on his raw longing. Toward both groups.
"It still matters!" Kushina exclaimed.
"Look, Kushina." Naruto said. "I probably heard every possible moral lesson you can make, so how about we skip it entirely…?"
"Listen to your not-mother, please." Karin chided.
"We didn't get the chance before." Hanabi added.
Minato just held two disarming hands up in the air, doing his best to defuse the situation.
"It's — It's not that bad, if they're happy and—" He tried.
Kushina glared at him.
Nacchan knew neither he or his dad would likely not be allowed anywhere near Jiraiya, in the coming weeks.
"Ah." Hanabi sighed. "It's a shame. I was hoping to make a good impression."
Kushina's eyes softened, despite herself.
"…No. It's not… nothing against you, you seem like a very nice young woman."
"Why thank you."
"It's just that I find it shameful that a son of mine would abuse his roguish good looks."
"He gets them from me." Minato stated. "Other-me."
Kushina scoffed. "As if. He's blond, I'll give you that. The rest is all me."
"…You used to be so sweet." Minato sighed. "What happened to the woman I married…?"
"You just said it, flakey-boy."
Gama was simply staying silent, looking dark.
"This one, though." Kushina began, pointing at him. "This one looks more like you."
Minato looked at Gama and scratched his chin.
"Hmm…" He said, noncommittally. "Are you two brothers, then…?"
"I'd kill myself." Gama muttered.
"Feel free to do so." Naruto obliged. "I won't stop you."
"None of that." Kushina stated.
Minato nodded resolutely. That was his partner, a woman who never backed out—
"If you want to fight, do it outside." She finished.
Minato cringed.
…
"So… You guys do magic too, then?" Minato asked dubiously.
"I know a few card tricks." Toru nodded.
Hanabi groaned. "Please, not this again."
Toru ignored her. "See this card…?" He asked, pulling a pack out of nowhere. He made sure to pick a random one out of it.
"…Yeah." Minato said dubiously. Toru folded it back. His hands pressed down on the deck. "Whoa — Where did it go…?"
"Check your left pocket."
Kushina watched with bated breath.
Minato pulled the card out of his left pocket, looking entirely dumbfounded. "It's really my card!" He said, showing the others.
Kushina clapped eagerly.
Hanabi closed her eyes in consternation. Toru nodded in satisfaction. Civilians loved that one.
"How did you do it?!" Minato asked.
"A good magician—" Toru began.
"Never reveals his secrets." Hanabi intoned. "Like a ninja."
Toru scowled. "Stop ruining my shit or I'm dropping you to Tier 1."
"That would mean dropping nearly anyone else but Naruto, including you." Hanabi chuckled.
Sakura protested. Toru scowled harder.
"You barely made the list, after all." Hanabi nodded gracefully. "No wonder Tier 0 starts at 49 points, when you're at 50."
"Once I get my Rinne-Sharingan—"
"You sound like your newest cousin, now." Hanabi shook her head. "Sad."
Minato stared.
This whole evening felt like a cursed nightmare, or perhaps a fever dream.
"I'm not quite sure I follow." He said.
"Don't worry, it's a ninja thing." Sakura explained, trying to get some reaction from Sarada. "We classify everything. Usually, it's just to hide murders, political assassinations, kidnappings and fire-bombings, but Toru decided this was important, too."
"…"
"I agree with him, here." She continued. "Are you hungry, Sarada?"
"…No." The teenager said. "I don't think I'm going to ever be hungry again."
Sakura winced. "I tried to tell you it was a bad idea. Look at what happened to Itachi."
Sarada looked up, somewhat. "…My father's brother…?"
"Yes, him." She said. "Your grandpa took him to see a battlefield when he was three—"
"Four." Toru corrected.
"Four… and it turns out he really avenged himself about that one, in a few worlds. I'm sure 'Wicked-Eye' Fugaku never even saw it coming."
"…"
"All this to say… a battlefield can be quite traumatic. I sure hope you kept your Sharingan off, like I told you."
"…"
Sakura pursed her lips. "We can erase your memories—"
"No." Sarada refused.
"…What happened, exactly?" Minato asked. "Why is she…?"
"I'll tell you, because you're my other-father-in-law." Sakura said, graciously.
"…Thanks?"
"Sarada here insisted that I bring her to a time of conflict. She wanted to see how two guys united most of the great warring clans of one country under one village. We're from there."
"That… doesn't sound too bad—"
"We went a bit too far back." Sakura continued. "Some man tried to kill her because she looks very Uchiha — I can't blame him, she really does look the part."
"You can't blame him for it?" Minato asked, dumbfounded. Uchiha... like Fugaku?
"For thinking she looks Uchiha." Sakura clarified. "Anyway, I couldn't have that Senju guy — or whatever he was — attack my little student, so I stabbed him in the throat."
Minato paused. He chose his next words wisely.
"Like… metaphorically?"
"No, with my dagger." Sakura said. She then proceeded to pull out the very same dagger out of seemingly nowhere.
Minato leaned back and Kushina took a sharp breath.
"I… I see." Minato nodded slowly. He really didn't. "Can you put this away now?"
"Of course, of course. I cleaned it, anyway. If that helps."
"It doesn't."
"In any case." Sakura continued. "It was a good, mighty stab, of course, and the man died somewhat messily. Also, I didn't know my apprentice wasn't so familiar with death yet."
Toru pursed his lips in this way that Uchiha tended to do when displeased by something they had seen coming.
Ino rubbed her temples and glared at her.
"I insisted." Sarada muttered.
"What…?" Sakura frowned. "What would you have me do…? Break a promise? What kind of shitty example would that set…?"
"Please come with me tomorrow, Sarada-chan." Ino said. "We'll help you."
Sarada removed her glasses shakily and wiped them on her shirt.
"I'm fine. I'm fine." She said. "I'm a shinobi. That's what we do. Yes."
"I helped her clean the blood off her hair, in any case." Sakura finished. "You have to learn these things early. Anyway, we're not going back."
"…We are going back." Sarada decided.
Ino frowned. "No you won't."
Sakura frowned. "No we won't."
"I need to understand how and why Konoha came to be." Sarada said, eyes burning with a strange intensity. "Who else has such an opportunity at hand? I have to do it."
There was a pause.
Sakura shook her head fondly. "Incredible. You've learned how to mimic the Uchiha madness so well already."
"…Mimic?" Sarada muttered.
"Guess we're going back, then." Sakura nodded. "Through time, that is."
Ino complained some.
Minato glanced at his landline, once more. Nacchan was still moping. Kushina seemed somewhat impressed by the dagger.
"I… Okay." Minato said. "Is that the end of the story?"
"Of course not." Sakura laughed. "But then the Uchiha tried to attack us. For exactly the same reasons, something about 'half-blind bastard offsprings.' Sarada got some extra practice in."
Minato didn't ask.
…
"…Sakura." Sarada said at last.
"Yes…?" She asked, pushing the cup of tea she had gotten from her Mindspace in front of her.
"…Where is Auntie?"
Sakura paused. "Oh."
"…"
"I think I forgot her there." She realized. "Well, it's okay, she's somewhat strong, anyway."
…
The purple-eyed woman roared and Uchiha Tajima feared… for his men.
For his men.
"I am S—… Tsunade!" The blond madwoman roared. "My grandfather devoted his life to a dream, and some of you bastards feared it — will fear it! Peace starts… now!"
She cracked her knuckles.
Then the ground exploded.
…
"You guys got any aliens in here?" Toru asked Kushina.
She blinked and looked at her palms again. "…Depends who you ask, I suppose. Then again, some people say our world is led by lizard-people, so…"
She paused.
"…Are aliens real?"
Toru nodded. "As much as spirits and ghosts."
Kushina closed her eyes.
"Ghosts are real?" Minato muttered. His hand was trembling a bit.
"At home, yes." Toru said. "Hell, too—"
"Toru, don't." Karin said. "I… think that's enough."
"Hell is real?" Kushina was starting to freak out a little.
"At home, yes. Don't worry." Karin said soothingly. "It's really not something you will remember… in normal circumstances."
"…What?"
"Barring certain forms of resurrection." She nodded. "But Hell is probably mostly for sinners only, in any case."
Minato glanced at his wife.
"…Breathe, Kushina. Slowly."
"I — I need to — go and bake — or something." Kushina said, standing up abruptly. "Or a cigarette."
"No cigarettes, dear." Minato shook his head in regret. "…Although I wouldn't mind one myself."
"Let me help you, Kushina." Karin offered graciously.
…
Unsure of what to make with the woman with hair as red as her own, Kushina let her follow her to the kitchen.
Kushina stared at a bag of flour, absentmindedly.
Bread. Bread was safe.
Flour. Water. Yeast. Salt.
She was really starting to freak out a little bit.
"A… bowl, we need a bowl." She muttered.
Karin summoned a large one. Kushina took a sharp breath.
"Six…" Kushina hesitated. "Six cups of flour… Let me measure them, I'll—"
"I can measure it as I pour." Karin just said.
And she did just that.
Karin blinked.
"…Unless… You want to do it yourself, then?"
"…Yes, please."
"Of course. I'll just watch then."
"Thank you."
"Where do you store the yeast?"
"In the fridge."
"What do fridges look like in here? I can't find it."
"I — Let me help." Kushina said, regaining some countenance.
…
"A… a grandson…?"
Minato was starting to realize how badly out of his depth he was.
"Well." Yugito shrugged. "Not yours, really. But… yeah. In a way."
Minato stared at the baby in question, and his heart stammered.
Would that little one have mystical powers as well, then…? He looked so tiny, in that bright red onesie. Minato noticed three marks upon his cheeks, marks which looked somewhat different from his father's. Also…
"…What is he chewing on?" Minato asked. "He doesn't even have teeth."
Yugito blinked. With a long-suffering sigh, she pulled the large robed lady statue out of Yūshirō's mouth. The baby made a displeased noise.
"…I don't even know how it always finds its way back into his hands." Yugito muttered.
Sakura just grinned knowingly. Yugito glared at her.
"Say hi to civilian-grandpa, Yūshirō." Naruto said. Perhaps they'd meet ninja-grandpa, at some point, too.
"…He's too young for that." Minato frowned.
Yūshirō drooled.
"Apparently not." Naruto declared.
Yugito rolled her eyes, somewhat fondly.
…
"Well?" Naruto asked.
He was staring at Gama.
"…Well, what?" Gama laughed, but it was loud and strained.
He was somewhat glad to be back in this particular world, in spite of his… conflicting feelings about the place. But that didn't mean much, because he had the feeling he wouldn't be able to give this group of shinobi the slip — plus it would mean being stuck here forever. Which he wasn't entirely sure he wanted.
Also, back home, hentai comics truly were not as easily accessible.
"Apologize for the trouble."
Gama shook his head. "Oh, well, I apologize." He said flatly.
"That's it?" Nacchan asked tightly. "That's it?!"
"Oh, sorry." Gama burst out, his voice sounding high and hysterical. "I thought it was more polite. I apologize for fucking Sakura and beating these guys up, I guess. The rest — the rest… That's none of your fucking problem."
Nacchan launched himself at him. Minato frowned at the language, but still held on to his son.
"…What's the matter?" Sakura frowned. "Didn't he apologize already?" She asked Ino.
"Forehead, please."
Nacchan's chest heaved in fury. "You think that's enough?" He roared at Gama.
Gama glared back, this time. "Look, I know how much it sucks to have someone else fuck the girl you love, but what do you want me to do…? It's not like I can un-fuck her."
Nacchan stared at him, stunned.
"You did not just say that."
"I think I did." Gama stated, defiantly. Then he sagged. "…I am sorry for the mess." He said, running a hand through his hair, leaving it in disarray.
Perhaps he actually was. Nacchan couldn't tell which one was worse.
Nacchan sagged, too.
"If you want…" Gama's eyes were distant. "I can probably find you a girl willing to sleep with you—"
Kushina glared at him. Minato glared at him. Nacchan curled his fingers into fists. "You m—"
Naruto butted in.
"You're leaving, Gama." He said. "Same for us."
Minato blinked. At this point, he wouldn't have been too surprised if these strange mercenaries had elected to set up a home inside their home.
"…You're leaving, then?" He asked, neutrally.
"We'll be back by tomorrow, without him." Naruto said. "I'm sure you have plenty of questions. We can meet somewhere else, in case this makes you feel a bit…"
"Nervous?" Minato added, politely.
"Yes." Naruto smiled.
"…I guess there are a few things I want to ask." Kushina said. "Say, what about the lizard-people—"
"We only have snake-people, but they're really humans." Sakura said.
Gama almost spat his thoughts on this matter. He settled for muttering something nobody paid any attention to.
"Well… I think we'll go out tonight for a quick visit, while we're here, since Gama apologized and all. Thank you for having us."
"…It didn't feel like we had a choice." Minato muttered.
"Yeah, sorry."
Nacchan… was biting his lips so hard they looked white.
"…Unless you also want me to bring back Hebi to say sorry, too?" Naruto frowned.
Gama froze.
"…You can?" Gama asked tightly, a strange, confusing mix of emotions churning in his gut. He'd show her a piece of his mind.
"Sure." Naruto shrugged.
Nacchan picked up on Gama's conflict. He didn't understand much about the matter, but...
"Don't. Don't bring her here." He said, with some dark glee. "Please."
Gama whirled upon him, eyes wide in aimless fury, looking red and animalistic. It was always close to the surface, these days, no matter how good he was at pretending.
Nacchan held back onto his fear.
"I won't, then." Naruto shrugged. "Back home with you." He said, pointing his hand at Gama.
Gama thought fast.
…
"Wait." Gama said, clearing his throat.
Naruto raised an eyebrow.
'Ah.' Hanabi nodded.
'The bargaining phase.' Toru added.
'I knew it was coming.'
'What's your bet?'
'He's gonna say he's an expert at navigating this world.' Hanabi thought.
Naruto ignored them.
"I'd rather you get away, now." Naruto stated. "We've got other things to do. Like having a nice evening."
Gama stood firm.
"Ah, but there's one thing." Gama said, wagging his finger. "You need me."
"…Need?" Naruto asked dubiously. "We… need you?"
Naruto and Hanabi shared a look. Toru and Sakura shared a look.
The four of them melted into hysterical laughter. Hanabi had to hold on to her husband so as not to fall down. Karin palmed her face.
Gama felt slightly offended.
"Oh, man." Naruto said, wiping a tear away.
"Can we keep him?" Sakura asked. "You said no to Kaguya already, so…"
"…As I was saying." Gama began. "I am the only one here who is familiar with both worlds. Nacchan misses one crucial part—"
"And 'Nacchan' doesn't want to come, if there's any chance you might be with them." Nacchan spat.
Gama blinked. "…Look, if I wanted a child's opinion, I'd ask that baby over there."
Nacchan jumped over the couch, with a growl.
Sakura summoned a portal and he landed back on the couch with a grunt.
"Sorry, kid." She said. "You're really going to injure yourself if you go on."
"I'm seventeen—"
Sakura frowned. "Ah."
...
Somehow, Gama managed to convince them to let him stay for a little while longer.
...
Almost everywhere in Tokyo there were lights.
Signs, buildings, bridges- all of them contributing to the arched haze of light pollution above the city.
The Umi group left into Tokyo's bright night.
"…I hope these savages never come back again." Nacchan said.
"Are you talking about this… Gama and Hebi?" Minato asked, staring at the sky through the window, looking entirely lost.
His world had made sense before.
Kushina was strangely silent, too.
"…Them, these newcomers… whoever." Nacchan muttered. "I just… I just wanted—"
"What did you want?" Minato asked softly.
Nacchan just looked away, feeling broken.
"…I don't think I know anymore."
The city named Tokyo was a strange one.
First, it was massive.
Second, it was crowded.
Neither word did any justice to the sheer scale of it.
It was puzzling, really. Naruto was almost certain he had never seen anything like it before. Buildings that seemed almost as tall as the ones in Ame towered overhead. And there were so many people living in each that it was dizzying.
And as for those walking the streets, they walked with seemingly no awareness of their surroundings at all. Civilians were always less guarded than shinobi, but this was a whole new level.
Naruto knew he was not the only one feeling weirded out.
Yugito kept their son in front of her, and her eyes on the streets. Matatabi, on her shoulder, was hidden behind an illusion to make him look like something more… native to this world. Naruto knew neither her nor Yugito's sharp nose were enjoying the smells of such a big city. His own definitely wasn't.
Toru's eyes were fixed on the avenues, where metal vehicles carried people at an acceptable speed. He likely filed their design away for later, if his Sharingan was any indication.
Hanabi stared at the passersby. Her main interest was figuring out who they were, from the very unfamiliar clothes they were wearing. A difficult game.
Ino was rubbing her temples, undoubtedly trying to filter out the sheer noise of so many unprotected minds around, as well as the multitude of thoughts this entailed. She wasn't doing so well, apparently.
And neither did Karin, who just decided to cut her chakra senses almost entirely. Which always left her feeling as blind as a bat. But she wasn't, not really, and so she took a few notes about the building's architecture for Ino, because her wife was in no state to do so.
Sakura mostly made sure Sarada didn't get hit by one of these metal vehicles, because the teenager was definitely feeling out of it. There would be a better time for her to dive into this world's literature.
Gama… looked entirely at ease.
He gave him a knowing grin.
"Strange place, isn't it?" He asked.
"Indeed." Naruto said. "It makes me feel a bit sick, even."
Gama gave him a worried look.
"Not… sick sick, right?"
"…What?"
"Like, when you look at it, does it make you want to…" Gama hesitated. "Burn it all down or conquer it?"
"…No?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.
Gama let out the breath he had been holding.
"Alright, then."
"…Have you been talking to Toru, by any chance?"
Gama blinked. "How do you know…?"
Toru looked away.
"Instinct." Naruto said. "Is there any place where we could get something to eat in an hour or so…? I have nothing against bread, but…"
Gama grinned.
"Say no more."
…
And then, there was noise.
Followed by silence.
Followed by noise.
A portal of dark light in the middle of one of Tokyo's crowded crossings.
"…Are you doing this?" Gama asked again.
"We're not always the ones causing trouble." Sakura simply said, gently pushing Sarada out of the way.
"…You think it might be Kage…? Orochimaru?" Karin asked, still not relying on her chakra senses.
"…I highly doubt it." Naruto said evenly.
A white-haired woman emerged out of the portal, covered in blood.
Naruto blinked.
Then he blinked again.
People were already moving, away and closer, in an uncontrollable crowd movement.
Gama noticed that they had pulled their phones out already.
"They're recording." He said, to no one in particular.
They were not listening, not really.
Ino pursed her lips.
"…Yoisen?" Naruto asked, sounding only half as surprised as he felt.
She… didn't look so well. Her clothes were torn and her sword was out already, and pointed toward him. She breathed raggedly.
"Yet another fake…?" She muttered. "No matter. I will cut you down, as well."
"…A fake?" Naruto frowned. "No. It's really me. From back home."
The others were silent, convening through thought. Naruto heard people start to scream, when she pulled Fire out of thin air.
Gama gave him a worried glance. "…You, uh… know her?"
"Yes." Naruto then spoke to the others. "I'll let you guys handle covering this one up — if you can. Just make them believe it's... a show. Or something. All right?"
Ino let out a long sigh.
Sakura just smiled easily and glanced at the sky, looking for the moon. Toru grumbled when she winked at him.
…First things first.
Naruto extended his chakra toward Yoisen, prodding but not pushing. She froze. And finally, she looked at him in confusion.
With his offhand, he opened a gateway.
He looked at her, and held his hand out.
She took it wordlessly.
They left.