"Why is Ino dressed like this?" Sakura asked.

"Dressed like what?" Karin asked back, lost in her latest impossible project — communing with a god directly, which was proving to be highly unfruitful. "Also, maybe you should stop abusing the seeing-arrows."

"Like this."

Karin glanced through Hanabi's artifact. And surprisingly enough, Sakura was right. It was true.

Ino had always taken pride in her fashion sense, admittedly, and she knew her lovers appreciated it too — those who were not fashion-blind and had two identical eyes, mostly. Today, she appeared in a bright, patterned sundress that accentuated her figure.

"Huh." Karin blinked.

"Yesterday, it was a neon-colored bikini and that weird, oversized sun hat—"

"That's their regular size, though." Karin chuckled. "Don't you know?"

"Whatever, number one." Sakura rolled her eyes. "She was wearing sunglasses too. We don't even need them."

Karin stared at her. "And you see… no reason at all she'd dress up…?"

Sakura stared back. There was a moment of silence.

"…Is she cosplaying as Hanabi or something?" She hesitated. "If so, she should spend more time in her room, crafting elaborate headdresses and multilayered dress robes. And rambling about her eyes."

"Are you for real?" Karin grumbled.

"Well, yeah." Sakura nodded. "I do get the concept though — I'd go for a Jinsuke costume myself, you know. Since I already got the mismatched eyes, and he just wears whatever practical poncho he can thrift. In this at least he's... somewhat reasonable."

The last few words seemed as though they were painful for her to say.

"Well, aside from… the entire Sarada issue, he tends to be." Karin acknowledged.

"Him?" Sakura snorted. "He's really not — Look. I'm saying it, which should be telling enough—"

"Self-awareness, for real?" Karin looked worried and she pulsed her chakra.

"…Stop checking yourself for a genjutsu." Sakura grunted. "I'm just saying that this guy would relate more to… whatever. Cats, rats… Hell, a dinosaur, rather than his own daughter."

Karin seemed pretty unimpressed. "If you say so."

…

Hanabi stared.

"You've overdressed, Ino." She stated. "Please don't do it anymore, you're reflecting badly on me and Sakura is enough."

"I'll dress how I please."

"Neither of the two people that caused you to do so will even—"

"Look. If I wanted your opinion, Hanabi, I would—"

"Read my comics, I know." Hanabi rolled her eyes. "But you do."

"Not the point." Ino said flatly. Then she paused. "…Am I really overdressed?"

"Let me help you."

…

"I can't help but notice you've taken to wearing less and less clothing around the house, Ino." Naruto said, in between push ups, as she passed by the doorframe.

Ino rolled her eyes and tried not to let a small smile show upon her lips. "Oh? That's funny, because Hanabi said—"

"That you overdress?" Naruto laughed. "Yes, I noticed. But that's outside."

There was beaded sweat running down his back, and he wasn't wearing much more than boxers, of course.

"That's funny." Ino said, blatantly ogling him. "Because I can't help but notice that you keep on finding reasons to show your body off."

Right now, he wasn't looking at her, focusing on the time his body spent under tension. "Hmm? Am I really?" He barked a short laugh.

"Yes."

Something about her tone made him turn around.

Naruto blinked. His eyes were heavy on her tummy, her thighs. Ino smiled.

"…Yeah, I don't think I'm the one showing my body off at all." He said. His eyes continued to roam over her naked form.

"Oh, no?" Ino smiled, licking her lips.

Naruto stood up to stand next to her, because he was just nice like that.

His fingers sank into the fat of her ass as he pressed her body against his own, because he was a dutiful husband.

…

"Gods." Sakura mumbled, a bit hazily.

She was sitting on him, and Karin was murmuring her name in a very provocative way. "What is it…?" He asked thickly. "Use words, Sakura."

"What the hell is wrong with you two?" Sakura managed to pant. "I thought that you'd chill out, once these — ah — stupid carvings of yours faded, but…"

"But what?" Karin grinned around her nipple.

"You're — oh — almost worse than before!"

Naruto laughed and gripped her slim waist tighter. If these were normal sheets, they'd likely be ruined, too. "No way. That's just the way I show how much I love what's mine."

Sakura tried to sound annoyed. "...Oh, yeah?"

Karin took the bait, as he had known she would. "Yours? Sakura's mine, actually."

The way her greedy fingers played with Sakura like a master would play his koto made her claim a bit more substantial.

"…Go fuck yourself, Karin." Sakura managed, quivering as she was.

"Mine." Naruto contested. "Hear the way she moans for me."

"You can go — ah!"

Naruto smiled and kissed her possessively. The way she usually did, really.

…

Hanabi nodded in vicarious pride and stood up again.

Toru gave her a weirded out look, as though he could read her thoughts. "For real?"

"What…?" She asked, frowning.

"…Nevermind. I don't even want to know about what sort of voyeurism caught your fancy this time." He said. "Another spar?"

"Of course." Hanabi nodded. "You're still on that losing streak after all. It brightens my day, really."

"Fuck off, Hanabi."

Uchiha Naruto roared.

His fist inched closer and closer to his sibling's face. Sasuke, the young one, twisted around the blow and retaliated with a falling kick that caught Naruto's own face. He grunted, and felt Sasuke's back slide along his own, as he used Naruto as a springboard.

He growled and blocked Sasuke's incoming wrist with his own. Then he ducked under a swift left hook, thrusting his palm forward. It crashed against Sasuke's nose and he let out a muffled, angry sound.

Sasuke punched him in the stomach, which left him drooling messily. Naruto's right hook found Sasuke's temple and he growled.

Sasuke flipped over, his now red eyes shining with anticipation. Naruto didn't flinch as his hands came up, barely stopping Sasuke's legs from slamming against his skull. He twisted and stuck to his brother, slamming him into the ground in a wild throw — that he actually called Wild Throw, whenever he really wanted to annoy his brother.

(It worked particularly well when Naruto grabbed his opponent's super-high Uchiha standard-issue collar, which was how he had come up with the damn move in the first place.)

Sasuke apparently didn't really enjoy being slammed into the sand in front of an audience, if his sputtering was any indication.

He weaved hand seals, and Naruto noticed with trepidation that he was getting faster and faster with these.

"Fire Release!" Sasuke began.

Naruto kicked sand in his eyes.

Sasuke howled, but still released small fireballs that set Naruto's pants on fire. "Ah! You motherfucker!" He howled.

(Naruto thought he heard someone in the audience hiss in displeasure. He didn't focus on it, because he wasn't the one who was going to eat shit for using swear words, likely.)

Sasuke didn't appear to like being called a motherfucker, in any case.

Naruto cringed as Sasuke bounced from the ground, flying toward Naruto much too fast for him to see—

And then he wasn't.

Time seemed to slow, colors became more vivid; as though a haze he had never noticed had been there faded away, only to leave behind a startling clarity.

Chakra rippled through the air around Sasuke like waves. Naruto saw the incoming kick, and not just because he had seen his almost-blood-brother use it a thousand times before.

Naruto even thought that he could count the grains of sand on the beach. His eyes wandered away in wonder.

'I can see — I can See!'

Sasuke's eyes widened at something he saw in his face; his kick connected and Naruto didn't see much of anything anymore.

…

Nacchan's face was scrunched in worry.

When he had asked to watch over a shinobi sparring match, that sort of thing was definitely not what he had expected. Children getting into a fight the likes of which he had never seen in high school, that would be more appropriate for MMA… both of their eyes bleeding red and gleaming like in some of the comics he had once enjoyed…

Yeah, no.

"...That's not supposed to happen." The young Sasuke muttered.

Nacchan gave him a bemused look. "Of course not — He's your brother, you're not supposed to knock him out—"

"That's not what I meant." Sasuke cut him off. And being cut off by an eight-year-old was just as annoying here as it would have been back home. "I meant his eyes."

"…What about them?" Nacchan asked, frowning. "Sure they were red, but so were yours. Is it like some sort of mage sight…?"

Sasuke looked a bit agitated.

"No." He said tightly. "And it makes no sense — he's my brother, sure, but…"

He was pulling at his hair.

"Well, I guess he manifested." Nacchan said, and he was not sure why this was such a big deal. "…Whatever that is, then."

Two hours later.

Naruto was lounging on the beach, and Yugito was pressed against him.

Their son was lying on his belly, half-asleep. Yūshirō sounded like a combustion engine trying to start, revving up very loud while sound asleep. A floating veil shielded him, and only him, from the sun.

They were somewhat used to his weirdness, by now, but there were still times either he or Yugito wondered if they should be more concerned about his odd grunts. It could be somewhat strange and the baby sounded like a bleating goat at times.

Perhaps he needed a good exorcism, who knew…?

Yugito was fast asleep, and Naruto thought he was getting there himself. It was a pleasant day. The sun was shining bright in the morning sky—

And then it was obscured.

"Please get out of my sun, Toru." Naruto muttered.

"I thought you said we were to do hardcore training." Toru said, scowling.

Naruto stared at his torso. "I think your core is doing fine by now." He said dubiously. "A bit overdeveloped, even. Didn't you learn already…?"

"Fuck off, not that." Toru cut him off. "You know what I meant."

"Training training?" Naruto brightened up. "Well, of course. Actually, Yugito told me you were doing a good job with Sasuke and her, so thanks for that."

Toru tried and failed to contain a little smirk. "Of course — But I meant you."

"I trained very hard this morning, and rest is an important part of it too." Naruto said, Sage-like but not sagely. "There's a point where it's just beating your body up."

"…Oh yeah? And you reached it already, before noon…?" Toru scowled again. "Funny how that didn't seem to be a thing when you made me play catch-up—"

"There was a lot of ground for you to cover, Toru." Naruto said wisely. "Aren't you glad you're in… what do you call it, again?"

Toru smiled evenly, as he always did when his thoughts coalesced, merged into one concept. "Tier Zero." He said.

"Yeah, that's right." Naruto nodded, letting the mostly asleep Yugito nuzzle his chest. "You're welcome."

"You barely trained me—"

"You were always the best at figuring things out for yourself." Naruto cajoled.

…

"Do you think they're edible…?" Toru asked.

It was their second day in the Forest of Death, sent there by their sensei, and they were firmly within hunger's tight grasp.

Naruto stared at the giant centipede that Sasuke's kunai had punctured. He hesitated for a moment. "…I suppose so. We still have some berries left, and the roots should be edible, too. Let's just make sure we cook the meat well, then."

Toru squinted at him. "You don't sound super convinced, man."

"I'm not."

Sasuke wasn't convinced either. "Perhaps we should skip on the meat altogether."

Somehow, this had the effect of convincing Toru. He shook his head. "No, we caught it, we eat it."

"But—"

Toru rolled his eyes. "Let me try a small piece of it first, and if nothing happens in a few hours, we can start eating the rest of it."

Naruto looked away. "I mean, if you're willing…"

The meat wasn't edible, and Toru spent most of the second day trying to stay upright, and not puking in bushes.

…

Toru scowled.

"I know what you're thinking about right now, and I don't like it." He said.

Naruto frowned. "I think it still counts, actually." He said.

"Would you say Kakashi throwing us into the Forest of Death counted as training?" Toru continued to frown.

Naruto thought about it. "Yeah." He decided.

"Then that makes you a hypocrite, at best. I remember you complaining about it for hours." Toru said. He cleared his throat. "If being thrown in a forest to survive on our own was usually seen as actual training, what did we even bother getting a sensei for...? Just for him to watch us like a hawk and maybe swoop in when we're about to be eaten by a bear?"

Naruto remembered his own words.

"…If that was supposed to be me, it's not as good of an imitation as you may think." Naruto stated. "I wasn't that much of a smart-ass. Also, only a fool never changes his mind."

"That doesn't not make you a fool."

"That's fair." Naruto nodded, very sadly. "Tough, but fair."

Naruto closed his eyes again, and waited for Toru to leave. Toru didn't. Puzzled, Naruto opened them once more.

Toru was still standing there, face carefully blank.

"…Okay." Naruto sighed. "What do you want?"

Toru's teeth gleamed in the sun.

…

World #665

A small flame ignited and bloomed like a fiery rose in the night, petals of warmth and light unfurling.

It grew behind the small inn called the Cat and Boar. It bloomed, like fireworks exploding in the sky. Four people crawled out of it, pretty ungracefully.

"You should have made it larger before, when you still could use chakra." Naruto complained. "Chōji and I barely managed to get out of it."

Toru laughed. "That's only because you two are big bastards."

"And proud of it!" Chōji grinned. "Now, get your ass moving, lanklet."

Naruto's eyes brightened. "Good one... I call him twig, myself." He said.

Toru scowled. "In which world am I even remotely skinny, now? I fill out my shirts. Easily, at that." And it was the truth, he was getting pretty muscular himself.

In any case, they wore slight disguises, all of them. Their most distinctive traits, such as Naruto's whiskers, Chōji's marks, or the Uchiha's Uchiha faces… had been hidden away.

For fairness.

Sasuke climbed out of the rift right after them, cursing. The opening had gotten so small that he had almost gotten stuck behind. "So… where are we…?" He asked.

Toru's eyes — well, the one that was visible — gleamed with mischief. Sasuke found himself wishing again that Kakashi were still around. It was no secret that Toru and Naruto together enabled the worst of each other's traits — it had always been so, and they had simply gained more of these. Kakashi had done what currently seemed to be impossible: play along and make sure to keep these idiots in line.

Because Naruto might try his best to pretend to be above stupid plans, now…

Sasuke knew him well. This sort of stupidity was something pretty new, even. Indra had been a dick, admittedly. But this madness… this was pure Uzumaki bullshit. Whether he meant the ones he had sired in his time as Asura or the ones from back then — cough Nao cough Yoisen cough — didn't matter.

Sasuke glared at him. "Toru." He said slowly. "Where are we…? I swear to god, if you brought me in one of his…" He was pointing at Naruto, who did his best to look offended. "Harem-worlds, I'm leaving right now."

"You can't." Naruto chuckled.

"Watch me." Sasuke said tightly.

Chōji patted both of their shoulders with a big laugh. "Hold on, guys." He said. "I think there's a method to Toru's madness."

"There isn't." Sasuke snapped. "I'd know."

"I agree with him." Naruto said, smiling slightly.

"Don't feel the need." Sasuke continued.

"You're on a roll, huh."

Toru cut through the chatter. "We're going to have you learn proper Mokuton, Sasuke."

Sasuke stared. "What…?"

"So…" Toru continued. "I considered my options." He said, counting off his fingers. "We met this other Konoha guy who knows how to use it, in a few worlds, but well… his version was like…" He hesitated. "Damn, I'm terrible with metaphors. Naruto?"

"It's like comparing a plywood table to a mahogany one." Naruto stated.

"Yeah, exactly." Toru nodded hastily.

"Or a twig to a tree—"

"Don't use that word." Toru cut him off.

"I know there's some trauma with my tree metaphors." Naruto nodded.

"Not for that."

Sasuke closed his eyes. He was pretty sure he knew where he was, now.

"So you brought us to…?" He asked, almost silently.

Toru's eyes were so bright you could almost see the light coming off his right one through his eye-patch. "Yes. Say it."

"With our chakra bound?" Sasuke growled. "You brought us to the goddamn Warring Clans era… With our chakra bound?!"

"Oh, come on." Toru rolled his eyes. "It's an easy bind. You can break free from it at any time."

"Maybe he can't." Naruto chuckled.

"I can." Sasuke snapped at him. "But if that means losing your stupid bet, I won't. And how the hell am I supposed to even learn Mokuton if I can't even use my—"

"They're theoretical lessons from the only known master." Toru said. "Keep your cool."

Realization slowly dawned upon Chōji. Not about where he was, because he had known, unlike Sasuke — and had mostly come because it sounded like a terrible idea and he wanted them to come out of this alive. Two of them, because they were his friends; one of them, because he was his friend's husband.

"Don't look so worried, your chakra isn't bound." Toru slapped his shoulder.

"...I know." Chōji said slowly.

"Which means you might have to protect us if it comes to it…"

"I know." Chōji repeated.

"Which it won't." Naruto finished. "But yeah, assume you're our bodyguard, in case."

Chōji looked at the three of them, remembered how abrasive either could be… and only then did he begin fearing for his life.

"Don't worry, we won't let you die." Sasuke stated, clapping his other shoulder.

"…Look, I'd trust your words more if you could back them up. And… I'm your bodyguard right now, besides."

Naruto grinned and tried to get used to the feeling of actually carrying a sword on his person. Two of them, in fact. "Well, let's hit the road, then!"

"…It's dark out there." Chōji said.

"What's your point?" Naruto shrugged.

"We shouldn't travel at night."

"And why not?" Naruto frowned. "If you're afraid of the night, don't be." He said gently. "The Moon beckons, certainly, but it is one call you can ignore. You are worthy, Chōji."

Chōji stared at him. "…You do realize I simply can't see anything…?"

"Well, if you say so." Naruto said, sighing. All of them had other senses, and he wasn't entirely sure what the problem was. "Let's get a room, then."

Sasuke bristled at being ordered. But the three others had already gone in. The inn was every bit as crowded as it had seemed from the outside. Perhaps more. There was a constant stream of men and women, platters of food and trays full of drink.

"Perfect." Naruto grinned.

"…Please don't do it, man." Toru said. "Ino's going to kill me if—"

"I wasn't looking at the women." He frowned. "But such a place is perfect to gather information."

"Oh, so you don't even know where that man is…?" Sasuke hissed.

Naruto shrugged. "It would be easy if I had access to my godly powers, but Akemi's words rubbed Toru off the wrong way. Again."

"You wouldn't get it." Toru muttered. "When she decides to be a dick—"

"I'm married to both Sakura and Hanabi." Naruto stated dryly.

"I'm so sorry." Toru said, very insincerely. Sasuke snorted.

The group of four walked through the crowds, looking for the innkeeper.

She caught their eye. "I'm sorry." She said. "We're almost full. And every inn in town is likely experiencing the same thing."

Naruto caught Toru's eye, and tried to send him a thought. It didn't carry over, of course.

"That's terrible news." Naruto said, trying to sound affected. "There are…" Which ones were dangerous animals, to civilians, again…? "Wolves, bandits out there."

The woman winced. "I know as much. And people have been getting a bit… tense, with the violent winter we just had." She sighed and looked around. "I suppose I can try and get you settled."

Then she eyed Naruto, Chōji — more precisely, their size. And she winced again.

…

She tried to get them a spot in the barn, but Naruto decided — for them — that perhaps some other travelers might need it more.

Also, he hated sleeping in hay.

And there they were, under the moonlight, covered by only cloaks. They were not very far from the city, whose name they had already forgotten. Naruto washed himself in a nearby and cold stream of water.

Sasuke had wanted to make a small fire — with sticks —, but well, that was too visible.

"Ah." Naruto smiled. "This is very refreshing, it has been a while since we really slummed it up."

"What kind of sick bastard finds cold showers refreshing…?" Toru grunted. "I might just skip on it, tonight."

"Just so you know, I really hate you two." Sasuke said, excluding Chōji, who had been dragged into this mess as well.

"What are you complaining about, exactly?" Naruto asked him. "We didn't get to eat much but berries and water, sure, but that's not so bad. Remember that time—"

"I don't." Sasuke cut him off. He wrapped himself up in his cloak and ignored them entirely.

"Incredible." Naruto smiled to himself. "He's just like his brother."

Toru nodded. "And from his moodiness, I assume the rest of his Hashirama memories are finally being triggered. Good. Good."

"It will be complete once he loses his ability to make a coherent decision." Naruto nodded.

Sasuke ignored them harder. As well as their growing laughter.

"Did you guys take coins, by the way?" Chōji asked. "I only have modern-era ryō—"

"Don't worry." Naruto waved off. "I have gold in my…" He stopped himself.

"If you say Mindspace, we're in deep shit, man." Toru stated. "Because I forgot I couldn't use it."

"Yeah, same." Naruto admitted.

"…So, no gold?" Chōji asked.

"Nope."

Naruto and Toru slept like babies, still.

…

Their plan was to follow a road into town.

Whichever town, really. They weren't entirely sure where in the world they were, but they could at least surmise that they hadn't messed up the jump too much. So Land of Fire, likely.

It was spring. Judging from the direction the sun rose this chill morning, they ventured toward what they knew to be the center of the country. It was much slower without using chakra, as they spent most of that time walking, instead of running, jumping.

They hadn't brought food with them, which meant that whatever they got was found out in the wild, foraged or hunted. They earned a few coins performing street tricks — Toru, mainly —, and finding daily work on the small farms that could use three strong young men — the rest of them.

Sasuke cursed their names, but there was work to be done, and by the time night fell, he was too tired — farmers really made the most of hired help — to even complain.

On the third evening, after a long day of walking, they stopped in another inn.

It lay at the heart of the town of Ayata, and was supposedly a well-known place, where hopeful musicians gathered to play for an audience. Naruto had heard of the place's reputation as a Sarutobi, of course. Apparently, the Third used to take his sons there, later on.

"I swear." Sasuke said. "If all of this just so happens to be a way for you to massage your massive—"

"Cock." Naruto nodded. He was on the lookout for a koto — his own was trapped in his Mindspace.

"—ego, we might as well get out and sleep outside again." Sasuke finished.

"I thank you for your opinion." Naruto clapped his shoulder absentmindedly.

The doorman let them in, once Naruto paid the fee with their hard-earned money. Sasuke's nostrils flared, like a great beast of old.

They sat down at a table and a young man dressed in green smiled at them.

"Hello." He said. "You have a peculiar look to you — Are you here to sleep, or to play…?"

"Both." Naruto said, before Sasuke could say anything.

"Ho…?" The man grinned. "What do you play?"

"The koto, mainly." Naruto said. "If you happen to have one I could rent—"

"We don't. The only one we have is in repair."

Naruto scowled. So did Sasuke.

"…Just a room, then." Naruto finally said.

The man shrugged and left.

"Great job, you ass." Sasuke said. "We could have gone anywhere else, then. Anywhere cheaper, too."

"I'm sorry, dad." Naruto said, in false contrition. "I will do better next time."

"The music's good anyway." Toru shrugged. "That's what gold is good for. Getting things."

There was a talented musician on the stage. He had a shakuhachi and played it as well as any flutist Naruto had ever heard. Including Tayuya, of course. Naruto wasn't particularly fond of this sort of more spiritual music, but the guy was good, he could give him that.

In any case, they ordered drinks.

There was a thin man with pale hair, who looked almost blind… sitting further away. He looked a bit Yamanaka in the face, but Chōji didn't recognize him, so Naruto just shrugged and went on with his day.

Then came a sanshin player.

Naruto nudged Sasuke. "You remember that guy?" He asked.

"No." He said irritably. "Why should I…?"

"For real…?" Naruto shook his head. "He played at Hashirama's wedding."

"…I don't remember everything."

"Who's he?" Toru asked.

"Murata Susumu. I just told you." Naruto said. "A great musician."

He was an older man, with an easy smile, carrying his three-stringed instrument, one made with snakeskin, and it sounded somewhat twangy. He plucked the strings with a large plectrum, creating a crisp and lively sound.

"Everybody loves him." Naruto said. "That's why he was invited to Hashirama's wedding."

"…Are you shilling for him?" Sasuke frowned.

"No, I just wish Madara would have married and hired that guy. That's it."

Murata Susumu sang in a language neither of the four understood, but his voice was rich and expressive. It was easy to picture him telling stories of heroes and villains, of love and war, of gods and demons.

Or something.

In any case, Naruto clapped, more honestly than he had in a long time. He ordered another round of drinks in his cheer.

After Susumu, a woman with a shamisen took the stage. A shamisen was similar to a sanshin, but larger and louder. The woman played with utmost precision; she sang in a high-pitched voice that contrasted with her burly appearance. She sang songs of satire and mockery; of irony and wit; of folly and wisdom.

Songs that were full of clever wordplay and double meanings, and the audience was captivated.

Naruto and Toru were also starting to get pretty drunk, by then.

There were taiko drums, too. And they were loud.

The music came out of the next musician, clear and bright. The room stilled and the woman played.

Naruto wasn't paying attention anymore.

There was a woman, one who seemed somewhat familiar. He stared at her back.

"…What is it?" Toru asked, when Naruto nudged him.

"That woman—"

Toru groaned. "Are you for real, man?"

"Not like that." Naruto hissed. "I think I've seen her somewhere."

"Weak excuse. We're in the past — alternate past." Toru shook his head. "There's no way you ever—"

Naruto was already standing up. He heard Toru mutter something to Chōji, and soon the Akimichi was following after him. They approached the golden-haired woman.

She turned to face Naruto, as though she had felt him coming. She stiffened. A face framed by bright gold bangs; dangerous honey-purple eyes that scanned Naruto's face quickly, as though she recognized something in his traits. She was a shinobi, and a strong one at that. Naruto knew it at once. This was a Senju woman, one that was likely related to the legendary Sannin, Tsunade.

He could see the resemblance with what few pictures he had seen of the woman in question.

(Madara had barely met the baby Tsunade at all.)

"What do you want?" She cut him off before he could even say a word.

Naruto barely blinked at what could well have been a harsh rebuke.

"Not much at all." He said with a smile, and sat next to her.

The woman rolled her eyes and looked away. "I'm not interested."

"Me neither." He shrugged. "I'm married, actually."

"Could I get you a drink?" Chōji asked, sitting himself on her other side.

The woman made a derisive sound. "If you're aware that you can't buy my attention and that I will likely ignore you anyway, you can, yes."

Chōji smiled. "Of course. I just felt like buying you one."

"That's dumb." She scoffed. "But suit yourself."

"You look very familiar." Naruto mused.

"…Is this really the best you can do?" She asked, sounding very unimpressed.

"It's not a pick-up line." He shook his head. "I meant it."

She glared at him, and he didn't drop his eyes. "That is amusing." She said slowly. "Because I was thinking the same thing about you."

Naruto chuckled. "I doubt that we ever met."

"Really…?" She murmured, almost pressing herself against him. It didn't look quite so friendly. "Why don't you spit it out, then…?"

Her chakra was bright and powerful, and he didn't need his senses to realize that. It exuded from her, like a warm, oppressive blanket.

"Of course…" He said, leaning forward. "Are you Senju?"

The woman's hand flashed up, coming to rest near Naruto's neck. To the outside world, it likely looked as though she had simply clapped his shoulder in a friendly manner.

"Drop the false appearances." She said, her words ringing sharp and clear. "Who — are — you?"

Chōji, who had just come back with drinks, cringed. "Hold on — No matter what he said, I'm sure that—"

"Shut up." She called softly, with quiet authority.

…

At a table a bit further away, Toru squinted. It was harder, and less useful without his Sharingan. He nudged Sasuke.

"Do you think they're flirting or is she trying to kill him?" He asked his cousin.

"What do I care?"

"Right." Toru nodded. "Besides, he can handle himself. Probably."

…

Naruto smiled.

"…What the hell is the matter with you?" The woman hissed. "Are you one of these weirdos that get off—"

The woman stiffened again.

Naruto blinked. "Why do you look as though I just grabbed your tit?" He asked. And did he? It would have been only too easy to brush against them by accident.

"Hush." She hissed, and then she was looking toward the door. "I can't fucking believe — Did you bring them?"

"I can hardly turn my head, what with your chakra scalpel ready to slice into my throat." Naruto said dryly.

Chōji looked at the door, and he was pretty pale. "Oh, fuck."

"Who came in?" He asked, trying to crane his neck as far as he could. "Who came in, man?"

Toru and Sasuke came toward them, falsely casual.

"Can you please unhand our friend?" Toru asked evenly.

The woman who looked a bit like Tsunade shook her head no.

If anything, it seemed to make her more convinced that she needed to keep her hostage. She pressed herself against him, until Naruto's shoulder was firmly trapped in between fleshy mounds, and her perfume, a blend of jasmine, vanilla and amber, filled his nostrils.

"…It's okay, guys." Naruto said easily. "You can leave me in her tender care for a while longer."

Toru scowled. Why did some people always have all the luck…?

"Yeah, okay, but…" He began.

"Senju Hashirama has just entered the building." Sasuke said tightly.

"Ah." Naruto nodded at Tsunade. "Your clansman. I assume he came for you, then."

The woman, who looked a bit like Sasuke's not-granddaughter-in-a-previous-life-but-older, scowled even harder. Her finger dug in Naruto's skin, leaving red marks behind. "You do know him, then. — You Uchiha-looking bastards. And you, you blond—"

Naruto laughed. He played along. "See? I told you guys you looked like these clan bastards."

Sasuke's temper was flaring sky high. "We're not — We're not Uchiha." He said tightly.

"Yeah." Toru added, for the sake of the woman with a hint of Tsunade in her appearance. "As you can see, charming… we may be. Extremely so, even. But it is a very grounded sort of charm, nothing like these handsome rogues with red eyes."

The woman with a faint resemblance to Tsunade tightened her hold on Naruto. He almost sent Toru a thumbs up.

"Shut up." She said. "All of you shut the fuck up or this one…" She said, pointing at Naruto. "Gets to choke on his blood."

Naruto blinked. "Whoa, it really is a different time. Such barbaric methods would never fly—"

"I said—" The woman who had a touch of Tsunade in her features repeated, menacingly. Then she cut herself off. "Is this g… Uzumaki Mito…?"

Naruto gently pried her finger slightly away from his throat — she had a strong grip, but was distracted.

"Who?" Chōji asked. "That Tenten lookalike…?" He muttered.

The woman in question had a mane of fiery red hair that was bound tightly in buns. Her eyes were a piercing green that commanded attention and respect. Her face was smooth and fair, with high cheekbones and a delicate nose. Her lips were full and rosy, curved into a confident smile. She wore a gown of white silk that accentuated her beauty.

She walked with grace and dignity, like a queen among peasants.

Hashirama was more of the same, his face looking regal as they walked arm-in-arm. Naruto knew better, of course, but he could see why people might think that these two would someday — perhaps — become the god and goddess of Konoha.

A dream of a dynasty that would fade away in less than half a century.

"Nice." Toru nodded. Idly, he realized that being drunk in such a foreign situation had not been their best move in a while.

The woman who reflected some aspects of Orochimaru's former teammate scowled.

"…Do you know her?" Chōji asked.

She said nothing.

Toru idly wondered how to extirpate Naruto from her grasp. Sasuke huffed.

"Do as you wish with him." He said.

Toru glanced at him and understood at once. "We don't care about this man at all." He said, smiling slightly. "You can release him right away, or don't. He's paid us already."

Naruto caught on and let false outrage color his face. "Are you for real?! I paid good money for this!"

Chōji intervened, too. "We're not done here, Toru-san." He said, slamming his fist on the table. "The contract said that until we—"

"I said shut the fuck up!" The blonde woman who would once become Tsunade's ancestor roared. "Do you think I can't see through your dumb fucking lies?!"

"It was worth a try." Toru chuckled.

Naruto nodded sagely. "It has worked before, too."

"I don't think you understand the situation you're in." She said, tone turning serious. "One touch, and you're dead."

Naruto shrugged. "I've been dead before, it's—" Her finger pressed deeper. "Right, I'll shut up, if you prefer."

"Do just that." She said. "And if you interact with them in any—"

She cut herself off.

"What is it…?" Naruto asked.

She didn't answer. Neither did the others.

There was silence.

Senju Hashirama's eyes were locked on them. The woman stiffened behind Naruto. She cursed under her breath.

Senju Hashirama and Uzumaki Mito drew closer to them.

"Oh boy." Toru grinned. "I guess we're gonna get these botanical lessons a bit earlier than expected, huh?"

Sasuke didn't look particularly impressed.

…

Uzumaki Mito had dealt with Hashirama and his propensity for dramatic speeches, dreams and strange mood swings for a couple years now.

She liked the man, of course. He could be a bit of an airhead at times, but he had the right spirit. With more men like him around, perhaps the world would be a better place.

She really couldn't say the same of his "friend" — it was closer to nemesis, to her — Madara, on the other hand. Mito would even go as far as to say she disliked him, as of now. Not anywhere close to the animosity that Tobirama seemed to have for the man, especially now that he became the Uchiha clan head, but still.

This was why she wasn't necessarily agreeing with Hashirama's decision to try to keep his friend out of trouble, tonight.

Hashirama strode through the room, and he reached the peculiar group around the golden-haired woman.

So this was the Scourge of the Plains, then…?

The purple eyes were a strange sight, certainly, but what was even stranger was the fact that she could see something of the Uzumaki clan… as well as the Senju clan in her traits. That one stiffened when she saw the both of them coming toward her, which meant she had some good sense, at least.

"You need to leave." Hashirama said to her, almost immediately.

The woman snapped at him. "And why is that…?"

"Because you killed Madara's father." He said, face guarded.

There was silence.

The gigantic blond man looked at the Scourge of the Plains, seemingly impressed. The two men that looked somewhat Uchiha but not really, gave each other a glance and a shrug. The other large man cringed.

"Ah." The blond man said, frowning. "Either I really don't remember that part, or—"

The woman dug her nail deeper in his throat and he sighed.

Hashirama pressed her. "Now. Please."

"Why the urgency?" One of the black-haired men asked.

"Because Madara is on his way to you!" He hissed. "Right now."

Naruto stared at Toru. His eyes seemed to say, quite specifically… 'You realize I could be home, relaxing with one of my lovely wives, right now?'

Toru's eye and shrug told him: 'I'm not sure why I should care.'

"What's a Madara?" Naruto asked politely, for the group's sake, before they inevitably slipped up.

"Well, that's—"

The door slammed open.

Two men led a group of ten Uchiha.

A silver-haired man dropped from the ceiling. He stood up from his crouch, and yellow lightning exploded out of a hilt he carried in his hand, shaping itself into a sword. He stood protectively in front of Hashirama and Mito.

"Tobirama!" One of the Uchiha men hissed. It sounded like a curse. The other leader was silent.

Uchiha Madara's eyes were fixed on Tsunade.

They mirrored her own; both were full of the same smoldering anger.

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"Regrets"

AN: Apparently, imgur will delete unregistered accounts' pictures, so I might have to rehost a few things by May 15th... Will keep you updated and replace the links!