The tales of Durgan's Lucky Charm has become a definitive tale in the modern Strongarm mythos, and has immortalised everyone involved with the quest. I'm sure many of you reading this will have heard this story as children.

The fable begins with Huan Strongarm's arrival in Holfort, where he meets Durgan the Sailor on the docks. He is asked to retrieve his Lucky Charm; thinking it will be a quick errand, Strongarm agrees.

His first lead is Ivas the Gambler, who promises him the earring in exchange for a small favour. The errand quickly snowballs, until Huan has wiped out an entire criminal organisation on his own. He returns and tells Ivas that his mission has been accomplished.

What does Ivas say? He says…

Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale, by Lufas Maphaahl

Leon flopped lethargically onto the grass, allowing the younger Princes, Princesses and Head Takers to play with his fur. "How long are those dumbheads going to take to choose their fucking clothes?"

Their first lead on Durgan's lucky charm - a gambler named Ivas - was based in the Old City. As they would definitely get mugged otherwise, Leon had forced them all to disguise themselves. While Angelica had done a decent job of dressing herself in common leather armour, the boys had all opted for flamboyant, eye-catching disguises that didn't even cover their distinctive hair colours.

Leon was coming very, very close to just taking Olivia and leaving them.

"I'm sure they'll be here soon," said Erica, nodding with graceful gratitude as Iven poured her some tea. "They wouldn't miss this. Not after Mother gave her permission."

Much like everyone else, Mylene was past doubting his ability to keep the bipeds safe.

"It's making a strange noise!" Angelica said shrilly. The infant Head Taker in her lap continued to purr, butting its head into her palm. "What do I do?"

"He likes you," smiled Olivia. "Just tickle his chin."

The Duke's daughter emitted a quiet squee as the youngling crooned beneath her fingertips, its tail wagging furiously against the bench where she and the fairy sat side by side. One of the Princesses balanced two teddies on Leon's side, acting out a skit in which the two of them were married.

"I guess this is fine," he admitted quietly.

"There you are!" Leon didn't move or open his eyes, having heard the girl approach. "Aren't you Strongarm? The adventurer who saved me?"

Ah. So this must be Yon's offspring. While Leon hadn't been able to tell her gender at first, he could now tell she was a girl based on her smell. "Tell her I'm not here."

"He says he's not here," reported Olivia.

"I can see you."

"Tell her I'm a normal dog."

"He says to tell you that he's a normal dog."

"Would a normal dog understand anything I say?"

Rats. She had him there.

Leon heaved himself upright, causing the children of both species to squeal and tumble away. The girl came up to about his elbow and had short pink hair and a cute face; she was wearing a girly, frilly dress, and had her hands on her hips.

"I am here to make you an offer!" She pointed at him dramatically. "Come back with me to Lepart! Be my bodyguard!"

Olivia froze. All light and emotion faded from her eyes, leaving only the eerie smile. Erica, Angelica and Iven began nervously inching away from her.

"No thank you," said Leon flatly. His expression led her to more or less guess what he was saying. "I'm fine where I am."

"But-"

"Huan won't be a dog forever," interrupted Olivia. She tilted her head cutely, which somehow made her smile even more nightmarish than before. "Soon he'll be a normal human again, and he won't have any of these powers anymore. So you should give up."

"I won't give up!" The girl stomped up to him and clasped his furry face. By now the children and Head Takers were hiding behind him as the aura of menace intensified. "When you saved me, weren't you human then? Even when you turn back, you'll still be Strongarm!"

"Actually, he won't." Olivia slid between them, placing her hand possessively on Leon's shoulder. "Huan lost his Strongarm ability not long before he was cursed. He would just be a normal man."

The Princess narrowed her eyes as she looked between them. "I'm prettier."

The temperature plummeted. The children of both races fled as they locked eyes, the air thickening with the urge to kill. "Hey, guys!" Julius called. "We're back!"

"Oh thank god!" Leon wheezed, scrambling away from the two girls as fast as he was physically able. "Julius, you beautiful sexy himbo! Quickly! Get in between these two women so I don't have to!"

Angelica wheezed as she held back a laugh, getting an odd look from Erica.

The confrontation was quickly forgotten as they saw what the boys were wearing. Julius was blatantly cosplaying as Leon, with the same cloak, white shirt and chest armour that he had been wearing during their first meeting. He was even wearing leather vambraces in an imitation of his homemade gauntlets. You could almost see the volts of electricity zapping out of Leon's ears as his brain short-circuited.

Jilk was dressed as a butler, with his hair braided elegantly over one shoulder as a ridiculous monocle covered one eye. Chris was wearing full body ninja gear that covered his entire face except for his eyes, with a few tufts of his very distinctive blue hair sticking into view. He was also wearing prescription sunglasses and a fake katana; Leon knew it was fake because it still had the hilt of a western longsword.

Greg had changed into huge fur boots and a matching loincloth, with nothing else besides a leather loop over his chest that attached a cheap, mass-produced spear to his back. Brad had for some reason chosen to dress as a stage magician, complete with a cheap suit, a top hat and a black wand with white nubs at each end.

For a long moment, nobody knew what to say. "Okay…" said Leon finally. "Does this mean that we're all ready to go?"

"Now hold on!" Angelica shouted. She very carefully rose to her feet, balancing the napping Head Taker in her arms. "Those disguises are fooling nobody! You are not going out in public like that!"

Brad looked like she had genuinely hurt his feelings. "What's wrong with our disguises?"

"You look like prostitutes," said Yon's kid flatly. "Except for Julius. He looks okay."

"Thank you, Liliana," grinned the Prince. "This is what heroes dress like."

"Hang on," frowned Leon… could dogs frown? He did the equivalent , at any rate. "Liliana? Is that your name?"

She blinked as Olivia translated the question. "Yeah? So?"

Leon met the fairy's eyes. "Olivia. Can you please repeat everything I say? Exactly?"

She looked between him and the girl with a pensive frown, but nodded nonetheless.

Until their dying day - or at least until they forgot all of this due to the Blank - no one but Princess Liliana would be entirely certain what Leon said. He mentioned energies of the world, and of the body, and of aspects of the mind. He mentioned moving your limbs as if they were thoughts, and moving your thoughts as if they were limbs.

Whatever he was saying made perfect sense to Liliana, because by the time he was done she was juggling dozens of magic orbs of every element imaginable.

"How?" Brad whispered. "How is she doing this?"

"Is it possible to combine these?" Liliana wondered aloud. The floating orbs merged into a sphere of blinding light, blasting into the sky like a Kamehameha and blowing a massive hole in the clouds. The other bipeds took a moment to shiver in fear. "Wow, I… I probably shouldn't do that indoors."

"You don't need a bodyguard," said Leon flatly. "You have the potential to become the most powerful magician in the world. Just get yourself a decent teacher and you'll be fine."

"All the more reason for you to come back to Lepart!"

"Why?" Olivia exploded. "He's right! You clearly don't need a bodyguard!"

"Who better to teach me magic than someone who knows the secrets of the universe?" This time she kind of had a point. "Julius told me he's a noble; that means if you stay here you can't get married. If you come to my country you can bang all you like."

This made Olivia blush. "R-Really?"

"Okay!" Julius interrupted. "I don't think this is appropriate for a little girl to be talking about!"

Liliana gave him an odd look. "I'm a year older than you."

"You are?" Chris blinked. "Wouldn't someone your age have already learned magic?"

This made her shift self-consciously. "My… Uh… M-My parents are really overprotective."

"We're getting distracted," grumbled Leon. "Jules. There's a buried chest in the palace gardens with a bunch of really valuable Grimoires inside. I need you to dig it up for me."

Queen Mylene quickly caught wind of the five peabrains defiling her gardens, no doubt due to their loud noises of enthusiasm and adventure. She confiscated everything inside the chest except for the book they wanted, either because she secretly loved Leon back or because Jilk stole it when she was distracted by her son's cosplay. Either way, as soon as she was gone they gave the book to the foreign princess.

"The Disguise Spell?" She laughed helplessly. "You taught me magic from scratch just so I can make you disguises that don't suck?"

"Yes."

"There is nothing wrong with my disguise!" Chris declared heatedly. "It covers my face!"

"It really doesn't," said Olivia dryly.

"What should I make them look like anyway? Ugly? Handsome? Mid?" Liliana gasped excitedly. "Should I turn them into girls?"

"NO!" All five boys shouted the word in perfect unison. Leon cocked his head cutely as he considered the question.

"Angelica looks fine the way she is," he decided. "Let's say… Let's say she's the daughter of a visiting merchant. Olivia's her less wealthy friend and I'm her dog. That would make the five of you their bodyguards."

"Got it," nodded Liliana. She started with Jilk, turning him into a middle aged man with sunken cheeks. His hair became grey and shoulder length, his monocle turning into an eyepatch. He was now wearing a bandolier of bullets over an armoured vest that bared his arms, with matching vambraces around his wrists.

"Why do I have a scorpion tattoo?" was his first question, his voice now evocative of Christopher Walken. The tattoo in question had pride of place on his right bicep, and looked far too cool to be something Jilk came up with on his own.

"I thought it would be cool if you all had one," said Liliana sheepishly. "I thought you could call yourself the Dark Scorpions."

"I like that," nodded Leon approvingly. "Next we need a committed Big Guy. The muscle."

They ended up going with Greg, because obviously. His transformed self wore similar clothes to Jilk, except he was now far taller with a large belly and massive arms. He had a scarred face, a bald head and narrow, squinted eyes.

"Why did you make me fat?" Greg demanded. "I have a beer belly!"

"You know what they say," said Leon dryly. "Why have a six pack when you can have the whole barrel?"

By the time Chris was fully transformed, it became clear that the beats and vambraces were part of the Dark Scorpion bodyguards' strict dress code. Once more wearing normal glasses, he had a narrow, weaselly face with a mop of greasy brown hair. "Why are my arms so thin? My carefully crafted muscles should-"

"Next!"

Brad she straight up turned into a woman, with a face inferior to all of the girls present and plain brown hair that went down to the middle of her back. "Why? Why would you… w-would you…" He trailed off as he began to experimentally grope himself; Leon, Olivia, Erica, Angelica and Iven all rolled their eyes in disgust. Naturally, as it was an illusion, he felt nothing.

Julius she shrank dramatically, presumably as revenge for some quip about her height made when Leon wasn't present. He now had the face of a bratty little kid, with spiky blond hair held back by a red bandana.

"Okay," he grumbled. "I guess this could have been worse…"

"Perfect!" Liliana beamed. "Now we can go!"

Before anyone could bring up what a spectacularly bad idea it was to bring a foreign Princess into a glorified ghetto, King Roland randomly dropped out of the sky: apparently, he had been listening from an upstairs window with Mylene. "Nope," he grunted, picking up the wriggling Princess and tucking her under his arm. "Not pulling the pin on that grenade."

"Let me go!" Liliana squawked, thrashing in a desperate bid to escape. "I wanna go with them! I wanna go with-"

She was cut off as a shriek as Roland leapt back onto the second floor; bemused, the rest of the group tilted their heads as they watched him go.

"Well anyway," said Erica, smothering a grin. "We'll hold down the fort here."

"Have fun," smiled Iven.

The party trudged their way to the Old City, their stroll briefly interrupted when Butt Stallion was chased past by a greedy mob. With the help of Aravind (who Leon hit up for directions) they found Ivas in a seedy bar, secreted away beneath a decrepit stone bridge. He sat at a table near the back of the room, hunched over a deck of cards that he shuffled constantly in his hands.

He looked like he drank too much, and had a rapidly receding hairline. "Can I help you?" Ivas growled suspiciously.

"Hello sir," nodded Jilk. As they had discussed on the way there, he would do the talking until Olivia heard her cue. Shot in the dark, but this guy probably didn't have much respect for women. "We were told by a man named Durgan that he lost an earring to you in a bet."

The whole bar went scarily silent. They heard chairs scrape as a few people rose to their feet behind them; impressively, everyone kept a straight face. "Really now?" Ivas very calmly continued to shuffle his cards. "And may I ask why?"

"I know exactly what you mean!" Olivia declared suddenly. Ivas blinked mildly.

"Excuse me?"

"Why would people whine about losing something in a bet if they chose to gamble it away in the first place?" Olivia complained, sliding into a chair across from him. "Surely if they're willing to gamble it away in the first place then they have nothing to complain about!"

For a moment, Ivas just looked at her. "I know exactly what you mean," he said eventually. "I mean, they blame me when they lose; that's like blaming the bartender when you get drunk! I'm a professional gambler! I only cheat when I catch the other guy doing it first!"

"I know!" Olivia threw her hands in the air in exasperation. "They're all just… just…"

"Hypocrites!" Ivas said at the same time. "Yes! That's what I've been saying!"

This sentence was what Leon had told Brad to wait for; he turned and waved at the men behind them, winking flirtatiously. After a while they sat back down, a few of them sheepishly waving back.

Ivas gave Olivia a curious look as the remaining bipeds sat down at a nearby table, while Leon sat on the floor and wagged his tail. "You know, that dog looks an awful lot like that God Hound I've been hearing people talk about. Now that I think about it, you look an awful lot like the girl that's supposed to be following it around."

Olivia just smiled. "What gave it away? Was it the axe? Or the bracelet?"

"I have a name," said Moz dryly.

"Well, maybe we can help each other. You help me with my thing, and I help you with yours."

Olivia nodded, maintaining her opaque smile. "What do you need, precisely?"

Ivas grinned; they noticed he had surprisingly good teeth. "Word on the street is a few renegades are running their own black market."

This got the Prince's attention; although in reality his feet were on the floor, Liliana's illusion made him small enough that they dangled over the edge of his chair. "A black market? But the Lady should have a deathgrip on Holfort's underbelly! Who could possibly be stupid enough to go under her nose?"

The Lady was a legendary crime lord who came up often in the game's flavour text. "You'd be surprised," admitted Ivas. "They're selling salt from Xek; they sneak it into Holfort to avoid the tariffs. Problem is, the Lady never sees a cut. Now she wants them shut down."

"I see," nodded Olivia. "So, what you need from us is…"

"Information. Where the smugglers are hiding their goods. Give me a location and a piece of evidence and you'll earn the Lady's gratitude. She's a generous woman, no matter what her enemies say."

"You're in luck," smiled Olivia pleasantly. "I happen to have the greatest tracker in the world with me right now. We'll have your evidence in half an hour."

"Perfect, I'll… W-Wait, did you say…"

None of them answered, having already risen to leave. "So now what?" Angelica asked when they were outside. "Do you really believe you can find these people?"

"Sure do!" Leon woofed. "Right this way!" He led them to a large grate in a back alley, which they knew without an explanation led to the sewers; with intimidating ease Leon bit through the chains that bound it shut, causing Angelica, Greg and Brad to flinch in surprise.

"Wow," said Greg. "That was… I didn't realise… Wow."

On the other side of the grate was a long stair leading downward, opening into an underground hallway. Thanks to the cleaning crew of Brass Golems, the sewers of Holfort were kept extremely clean; the hallway was wide enough that a car could have used it as a road, while the ceiling was three times higher than Greg's alter ego and lined with magically powered lights. The walls were supported by decorative buttresses made of blue stone, which was also built into the floor as a beautiful mosaic.

"Woah," breathed Olivia. "This is… This is amazing! Why would they place this much effort into a sewer?"

"Two of the Five Adventurers, Marmoria and Arclight, had a strong interest in domestic affairs," explained Angelica. "The sewer system was a joint project; Marmoria designed it, while Arclight created the golems that built and maintained it."

As if on cue, a large Brass Golem stomped around the bend; it was larger and bulkier than even Bibrus the Bookseller, with faded metal plating and a smooth face with two eyes and no other features. "Good morning," it greeted pleasantly, then wandered off casually.

"Have the same Golems been operating this entire time?" Olivia wondered. "Because if they have then that's some quality craftsmanship right there."

Angelica laughed. "No, we have a whole institute devoted to maintaining and creating them. Arclight was the founder and for a while they had a fairly nepotistic leadership, but after his household began to focus more on swordsmanship it became a pure meritocracy."

She was a lot more approachable now that she had relaxed; although she hadn't advertised it, Angelica was clearly as excited as the five love interests to be going on a real adventure. Leon had been surprised to see how naturally she was talking with Olivia, as well as how willing she was to teach her. He imagined her wearing glasses and a sexy teacher outfit, possibly waving her finger around like Rin Tohsaka.

Julius watched uncomfortably as the two girls clicked. It hadn't escaped his notice that the fairy didn't appreciate his attention as much as the other noble girls. Even Angelica, who he associated with constant criticism, had been a constant source of attention throughout their entire lives. He struggled to comprehend why Olivia would prefer her company to his own.

Except that wasn't all. A black, ugly emotion was creeping up through his chest the longer they talked; contrary to popular belief, Julius had at least enough self-awareness to recognise the feeling as jealousy. He genuinely couldn't understand it: they were both girls! What could he possibly be jealous of?

The party came to a halt as they heard voices up ahead. "That's probably the smugglers!" Angelica hissed. "We need a plan-"

"Halt, fiends!" Brad shouted, drawing his sword and running off before anyone could stop them. "Kneel before my justice! KNEEL BEFORE IT!"

"Oi!" Greg laughed, having long since unslung his new spear from his back. "Save some for me!"

He rushed around the corner, where three tunnels met to make an intersection. There were three smugglers - all of them scarred, ugly and wearing clothes literally drenched in shit - standing around a large stack of crates, which Leon knew contained the rumoured contraband. Brad had beaten his own record and was already down for the count, having been punched in the face after his battlecry gave them a heads up.

Greg rushed them recklessly, but by now they had all drawn their weapons: one had a dagger, one had a sword and one was slinging a length of chain. He had fought in low level dungeons a few times before, so he had enough combat experience to avoid clashing his weapon against the confines of the tunnel.

"Is that all you've got?" he scoffed cockily, parrying their untrained blows with ease. "It'll take more than that to-"

The chain wrapped around the shaft of his spear while he was bragging, almost yanking it out of his hands. Even struggling against the chain wielder he managed to block the swordsman's next swing, but left himself open to the dagger user coming at him from the side.

"Shi-"

Jilk shot the dagger out of the smuggler's hand before it could stab it into Greg's side, causing him to scream as his obliterated fingers flew in all directions. Julius moved in perfect unison with his foster brother, grabbing the dude and slamming him to the ground in a painful hold. "I got one!"

Chris went after the swordsman, disarming him with ease. The experience from fighting through the catacombs had done them both good. "I got one too!"

Greg grinned savagely. "Then this one is mine!"

The chain wielder let go of his weapon anticlimactically, causing the redhead to lose his balance and stagger back. He rushed at Olivia as he drew a gun from his hip, presumably hoping to take a hostage.

"Moz."

"Sir."

With a flash of light, Sir Onemore appeared with the freezing axe in his hand; the man shot at him in surprise, but the bullet bounced uselessly off his armour. The Comet General brought down the axe and slashed through his pistol, making it explode into little pieces as he grabbed the man by his throat and slammed him into the wall.

"Olivia! Olivia, are you okay?" Angelica was visibly freaking out, having protectively pushed the fairy to the floor as the bullet began ricocheting off the walls. Leon suddenly realised that she was probably the only other person besides Brad to have never seen real combat. "Did it hit you?"

Olivia smiled sweetly at her concern. "I'm fine. What about you? Are you okay?"

"I-I-I'm, I… I…" She raised one hand to her face, starting to shake when it came away red. "I'm bleeding. W-Why? Why am I bleeding?"

"You're going to be fine," promised Olivia. Her palm began to glow as she healed Angelica's cheek, stroking her hair soothingly with her free hand. "The bullet just grazed you a little. You're going to be fine."

Julius shot them a resentful look; he had been hoping that Olivia would be impressed by his performance.

"Who is that?" Brad demanded, having finally pulled himself up off the floor. "Is he a bodyguard sent by the palace?"

"Nah," said Chris, who had finished tying up his smuggler and had moved to help the Prince. "He's Huan's familiar. You know, the bracelet?" He shot Greg a smug look. "Congratulations, by the way. Really nailed it back there."

Greg's face burned red as they began to argue. Leon rolled his eyes and padded past; he had been ready to step in if he had to, but it seemed that at least three of the boys possessed the bare minimum of competency. Jilk followed him to the crates, kicking a hole in the side and allowing the white powder within to spill across the floor.

"Rock salt," he confirmed. "This is the right place, alright." He grabbed a large chunk of the stuff as evidence. "What do we do with the smugglers?"

The men had been squawking loudly to be let free, but when they heard this they went quiet. "Knock them out, tie them up and leave them," ordered Julius. "They're not our responsibility."

Angelica rose to her feet; she felt both disappointed that she hadn't been able to help and bewildered that it had been resolved so quickly. "I guess that's it then, isn't it? We hand over the evidence, get the earring and bring it to the sailor. All done."

Leon gave her a pitying look. "Oh, you sweet, naive child. So pure. So young."

The love interests were still present, so she couldn't ask him what he meant.

Ivas hadn't moved from his place in the bar, and was visibly surprised to see them. "You can't possibly be done already! You said that you'd be thirty minutes!"

Olivia blinked uncertainly. "So?"

"So you were gone for less than fifteen!" He threw his hands in the air in disbelief. "So what have you learned about those smugglers?"

"They were hiding the contraband in the sewers," reported Jilk. "It was guarded by three men; we knocked them out and left them there for you to handle at your discretion. Here is the evidence that you requested."

He placed the chunk of salt on the table, rattling off directions to the stash for good measure. Ivas was in disbelief. "Well, you're certainly an efficient bunch. You're going to make me feel guilty for disappointing you!"

Angelica felt a sick shiver of dread go up her spine, remembering the ominous remark that Leon had made earlier. He began wagging his tail in the background. "Ah," he sighed to himself. "Schadenfreude."

"I sold it to Gebbin the Pawnbroker before you even got here," he admitted sheepishly. "He has a shop in the square around the old Keep. You should be able to buy it off him if you hurry."

Olivia was no longer smiling. She turned to look at the black wolfdog, who cocked his head cutely. "Huan," she said dangerously. "What else aren't you telling us?"

Even to the five love interests, there was a definite, mocking tone to his answering woof. "That would be telling, wouldn't it?"

Side Quest: The Salt Smugglers

Summary: a simple side quest meant to be completed while the main character explores the sewers. Originally it had nothing to do with the search for Durgan's Lucky Charm, and was just a miscellaneous quest.

Liliana is from a manga called Always Second; in it, she is considered to have the potential to one day be the greatest mage to ever live. In this version she was a DLC character; Leon never bought her, but he remembers enough about her to know what she will one day be capable of.

When she gives the idiots their disguises, she is actually turning them into the Dark Scorpions from Yugioh; that makes this the second appearance of a Yugioh monster after Moz. I was actually going to stick with Contra and Monster Hunter cameos for a while, but when someone pointed out to me how well the two groups fit I just knew that I had to do it. I regret nothing.