Chapter 6: Vitameataketamine

The following winter was one of the dreariest Courteney could remember in a while.

That was in large part because, as if sensing her grief and despair, California suddenly decided to shed its drought reputation and rain buckets all over the Hollywood Hills. Hell, all over the damn state. The deluge was apparently setting records in some counties.

Following Matthew's funeral, the holiday season seemed to rush up upon the surviving members of the cast, in the same way that the ground yawned up to meet a person in free fall.

Coco finished her first semester at college, and her mother was relieved to have her home for the Christmas/Hanukah season. A few weeks before the special days, Courteney discreetly texted the rest of the Friends, offering to host them at her place in Malibu.

It simultaneously both heartened and pained her to note how Matthew's phone number had yet to be removed from the group thread. No one had thought to do so. Perhaps, much like the game of chicken the surviving five had gotten into over who was going to Instagram acknowledgement of their loss first, everyone was waiting on everybody else – somebody else… anybody else… to make that move. Or maybe they all thought that to delete Matty's number would constitute an act of sacrilege, and in some way, make his absence final.

Courteney shied away from the temptation to scroll back through the message history to find Matty's old texts. The thought of seeing any of them, and his last text to the group in particular, was too much to bear.

Johnny was home from touring, and Courteney sought comfort in his arms, feeling relief that there was once again a presence on the empty side of the double bed. Her rock-star partner seemed unfazed when she would suddenly start crying at the drop of a hat, holding her as she sobbed and always standing ready with an understanding ear.

He didn't ask what the blasts of emotion were about – he didn't have to. Just by being there, Johnny made clear that he was available and open to whatever Courteney needed.

Not that she gave him too much to digest or work with. Now that Matty was gone, Courteney found herself guarding her memory of him, in her heart, covetously. With her onscreen husband's departure from this earth, for some reason, Courteney found that her TV partner and her real-life one didn't coexist well in her mind. She most certainly did not tell Johnny about the dreams she had been having. Nor about the Twilight Zone-adjacent moment she had experienced in her living room the night she'd put up her Instagram post. A part of her wondered how Johnny would take it, what he would make of it, if she did confide in him. Would he be jealous? The man would have had no reason to feel threatened by Matthew's presence in her life when her co-star was alive, but now….

Courteney was relieved and ecstatic when all five – four, she had to still correct herself as a sharp twinge went though her gut – of the others accepted her invitation to host a private holiday party, for the week before Christmas. Just them…. and Coco. Courteney had pleaded with Johnny to stay for the gathering as well, but he had begged off: Snow Patrol had a recording session to complete with their record label, and a late-night time slot was all that could be booked.

Courteney channeled ever fiber of Monica Geller within her to get ready for this party, even as she knew that Jenny, Lisa and the boys would predictably chide her for making such a fuss. Much like her alter ego, she had always been a gracious host, opening up her place in Malibu to her castmates. Over the decades, the years after the show ended, the six had attempted to get together when schedules permitted.

Another spasm went through Courteney's chest as she acknowledged: not nearly enough.

The sporadicism of their in-person contact, only further hindered by the pandemic, had been sensed by everyone at the taping of the Reunion special, to the point that Courteney had insisted they not let too much time go past before having a dinner. Now, they were finally having it – just two months (really, two years) too late.

The group arrived in short order, Courteney bestowing hugs on each of them and even sibling-platonic kisses on cheeks for the boys. Matt LeBlanc was last of all to show up, and as he sashayed his fleshy brick wall of a physique past her, Courteney found herself lingering in the archway of her front door, searching the night for that one last face still unaccounted for.

Glancing back, she found Matt watching her sadly. Courteney half-expected him to remind her that he was not coming. She was grateful when Matt said no such thing, simply studied her with fraternal sympathy.

Reluctantly closing the door behind her, she stepped into his arms and hugged him. "Come on…. I've got food." Much like his character Joey Tribbiani, Matt LeBlanc had never met a plate of food he didn't like. It was a wonder that, in all of the ten years of their run, in all of the tapings and multiple takes that had required eating, Courteney could not recall Matt ever throwing up once.

They entered the living room to find David and Lisa conferring quietly. Jennifer had an arm slung over the backrest of the couch and was trying to engage with Coco, who was slouched nearly prone against the pillows.

"What's the matter, Cocolicious? You seem low energy."

Coco lifted her eyes in a wounded expression towards her godmother. "Party planning is the devil's work. We've been cleaning all day!"

Courteney frowned at her daughter in amusement. "She definitely didn't get that attitude from me," she quibbled low to Matt.

"What did she get from you?" Matt wanted to know, prompting Courteney to smirk and swat him.

"So: how's Marina?"

"Hilarious. She's…. crazy," Matt laughed with a million-watt grin as he thought of his own teenage daughter. "She's great!"

With that, the conversation turned naturally to families and kids. Glancing over to Jennifer, Courteney noticed how her best girlfriend was quiet as she listened to all the updates from the others about their offspring. Though the soft smile the blonde sported gave no indication of any kind of bitterness or feeling excluded in any way, it killed Courteney to think of how Jennifer was nonetheless left out of these discussions, if only by her inability to relate. Courteney was able to count her blessings: while she had finally delivered the child she had always yearned for, Jennifer had not. Years and years ago, Jen had tried everything to get pregnant, first with Brad Pitt (the thought of an offspring from that union made Courteney retch now), then on her own. Her best friend had never said in so many words, but she appeared to have made her peace with an inability to conceive. Plus, Jennifer would be the first to attest that being Coco's godmother was the best thing in her life, a blessing to offset an unanswered prayer.

A pang ripped through her as it dawned on Courteney: Matty had never had children either. And like Jenny, now he never would, but not because he had been infertile. No, it was because he was….

"…. I'm just as glad there were no kids in our lives when we were filming!" David was chuckling loudly, his goofy grin indicating that he was perhaps starting to feel a little tipsy.

"Yeah, hi – were you asleep during Season Four? Or any of the seasons after that?" Lisa jabbed, her tone sounding offended, though this was belied by how her eyes were sparkling with mirth.

"I wasn't…." Matt chuckled. "Everything got a wrench thrown into it once Julian was there!"

Jennifer clasped her hands together, lips pursed in nostalgia. "Remember when he was little and he would run around the apartment set?"

"Remember how he'd use to confuse you for his own mother?" Matt hooted. He nudged Lisa playfully in the ribs. "Remember when Julian would call Jen 'Mom' instead of you?"

"It was cute….!" Jen laughed. "I didn't mind!"

Lisa folded her arms, grumbling darkly. "I did."

Coco sighed. "I wish I'd been there when you guys were filming."

"You were…. sort of," Matt threw a lovable-uncle-styled arm around her shoulder. "By the time we were taping The Last One, you were pretty well-defined there in your mom's tummy!" He sent Courteney a wink.

"Oh, gosh, all the tricks we had to pull just to hide the fact that you were pregnant! Right, Court?"

"I still say the adoption storyline was stupid. Who cares if we'd already worked an actual pregnancy into the plot?" David pontificated loudly. He sounded buzzed.

Courteney smiled and shook her head.

"Better to have it hidden at the end of a run than the beginning!" Jen decided. "Remember poor Julie Bowen when they shot the pilot for Modern Family? She was carrying twins, poor thing!"

Lisa snorted. "The execs wouldn't have had that problem if I'd taken the role…"

"That's right….! You were offered Claire Dunphy, weren't you?" Courteney smiled at Lisa, intrigued.

"And Matt was offered Phil," Lisa jerked her thumb at LeBlanc.

Matt shook his head. "Had to turn it down. It would have turned the whole thing into the Joey/Phoebe romance our fans had been clamoring for. Besides, Ty and Julie were perfectly cast…!"

It was just then that David's cell phone rang, and he excused himself from the living room to take the call. Watching the familiar bickering blossom around her, Courteney wondered when, or if, someone would address the elephant in the room. She found herself dreading the moment when someone would, and resolved that whoever it was, it wouldn't be her.

And it wasn't. The hubbub now sharply died down as Schwimmer stumbled back into the sitting room, lowering his phone from his ear and looking pale.

Courteney blinked. "Schwimm? What is it?"

David swallowed. "That was the LAPD," he rumbled.

"What about….?" Matt started to ask, but at everyone looking at him, he hinged his mouth closed.

When David spoke next, his voice sounded tight. "…. I asked them to keep me informed. The toxicology report's come back on…. on Matty…."

Courteney sucked in a breath, lifting a hand to her mouth; behind her, she sensed Jennifer rising from her place on the couch. "And?!" The blonde demanded.

"…. There were no drugs present in his bloodstream at the time of…." Schwimmer couldn't bring himself to say the last word.

Jennifer let out a whoosh of air she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Thank God," she whispered emotionally.

Lisa had drifted up to David, speaking to him in hushed, earnest tones. Courteney figured it was some biology-speak: after all, Lisa had a degree in Biology from Vassar.

"No, they only found ketamine…." David reported.

"Wait – what's that?" Matt wanted to know. "I thought you just said they found no drugs in his body!"

David winced. "…. Ketamine's not a drug… exactly. It's…"

"Hold it!" Lisa suddenly cried. "Didn't Matty mention something about ketamine in his book?" She rounded on Courteney. "CC: where's your copy of his memoir?"

Sapphire eyes wide, her face rapidly turning pale, Courteney pointed a shaking hand to the bookcase on the far wall. Lisa ran to it and began thumbing through the titles. She at last came back with Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing in hand. Opening the front flap, Lisa briefly paused, her nose in the book as if reading something on the title page. Her eyes lifted briefly to fix on Courteney before the woman who had played Phoebe Buffay was flipping through the pages. Growing frustrated, Lisa skipped to the back of the book before finally flinging it away in frustration. "Matty, I love you, but would it have killed you to include an index?!"

Despite how Lisa's bawling was a pitch-perfect reminiscence of Phoebe, everyone froze at their castmate's use of the word 'killed.'

"Here! I've got it!" Coco cried, her phone in her hand. "Ketamine: …. is a dissociative anesthetic used medically for induction and maintenance of anesthesia."

Matt looked horrified. "What the fuck was that stuff doing in his….?!"

Coco silenced him with a warning look. "…. It is also used as a treatment for depression and pain management."

Jennifer pursed her lips in a thin, grim line and gestured deferentially. "That's why, Matt."

"Well, what does that mean? What did the cops say?" Lisa asked.

David sighed. "They weren't at liberty to tell me, except that it's prompted an ongoing investigation."

"What sort of investigation?" Jennifer asked in a hushed whisper.

After that, Courteney couldn't hear much of anything. She felt herself retreating into her thoughts, away from these distressing discussions, in favor of reliving the dream that she had experienced the night before….

DREAM

They were alone together in Apartment 20, and they were kissing. Breaking apart sensuously, Courteney combed her fingers through Matthew's spiky bronze curls with a plaintive sigh.

"I wish…." she warbled. "I wish…."

"What?" Matthew smiled down at her softly. "What do you wish?"

She peered up into his eyes. "I wish I could come and be with you. I don't want to have to wait too long before…"

"No, Court!" Matthew suddenly cut across her sharply, fiercely. "You're going to have a long life…. You're going to go on…. And you're going to… watch Coco get married. See her have babies – watch your grandchildren grow….. You're going to die an old lady, warm in her bed. Not now. Not when it's not your time. I won't let that happen, you understand me?" There was fierceness in his voice, and it started to make him choke up, emotional. "Getting cast in that show was the best thing that ever happened to me! But not because it brought me fame. It brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Courteney. I'm thankful!" He kissed her deeply, his lips fueled by pathos. It seemed like an eternity before they drew away.

"…. It's almost time for you to wake up, darlin'."

"When will I see you again?"

"Tonight – right here…."

The last thing Courteney remembered before coming out of sleep had been Matthew caressing her face.

END OF DREAM

"Court…..? Courteney! CC!"

"Hmm?" Courteney hummed almost absently, despite being yanked so sharply out of her….

Jennifer was standing directly in front of her, looking leery and concerned. "What happened? Where did you go, sweetie? You spaced out there for a second!"

Shaken, Courteney shook her head. "Nothing. Just thinking about…" She didn't finish.

Jennifer's wary expression didn't ease. She took a step back and tilted her head towards the sliding glass doors leading out to the back patio.

"Can we talk?"

"…. Yeah."

The pair of aging best friends stepped out into the chilly night. The lights from the Malibu streets beyond cast a glow on Courteney and Jennifer's faces, accentuating the age lines that had come creeping up into cheeks and in foreheads, in Courteney's case defying the botox she had once employed and had since come to regret.

Courteney studied her best girlfriend in profile, and the solemn expression that Jennifer now sported.

The blonde opened her mouth to speak, but Courteney cut her off:

"I know what you're going to say: don't. It wasn't your responsibility to save Matty any more than it wasn't mine."

Jennifer turned her head, pondering her old friend. "…. And yet, we both still tried. Didn't we?"

Courteney swallowed hard. "Yes. …. We did." They leaned against each other, arms winding around each other's waists, and they touched their heads together, staring out into the December night.

"What I actually wanted to say was…." Jennifer finally broke the companionable, if not exactly tranquil, silence. "…. I'm sorry."

"What?" Courteney drew back.

"For what I said the morning after he… he passed." Jennifer looked Courteney full in the face. "I shouldn't have insinuated anything about the two of you. I know you and Matthew wouldn't have broken the No Dating Pact. You both were professionals. It's just that…." She laughed a little, the sound bitter. "God! It's like when Chandler and Monica got together, you two were gaslighting America!"

Courteney frowned hard. "That's a strong choice of words…."

"Oh, you know what I mean! You guys' chemistry was so insane that people were starting to wonder if it was real! Hell, I wondered, sometimes! All the flirting, and the sitting in each other's laps. The kissing backstage, even before your characters got together in London!"

Courteney's frown only deepened. "Everyone was kissing everybody else between takes at some point. It was a bit of a love fest." She raised an eyebrow. "I seem to recall the paps catching some shots of you and LeBlanc kissing off-set around the time of that god-awful Joey and Rachel storyline."

"Yes, but that was all platonic between really close friends! And it was understood to be that! Whereas you and Matty? …. Sometimes, I didn't know…" Jennifer shook her head. "Anyway, it wasn't fair of me to accuse you of anything, and especially not him, God rest him! You were with Coco's dad for much of that time, and if there's one thing you aren't, Courteney Bass Cox, it's a cheater! So…." Jennifer glanced at Courteney, wincing with apologetic sheepishness. "I'm sorry."

Courteney took this in, and slowly nodded. As another silence gathered, she debated with herself over whether to tell Jenny what she had been experiencing.

…. Screw it!

"…. He's been visiting me."

Jennifer let out an awkward, bemused chuckle. "What….?" she smiled in bafflement, turning gently to her friend. "What are you talking about? Who….?"

Courteney swallowed hard. "Matty. He's been visiting me." And she told Jennifer about the dreams she'd been having. She even told her about the sensing of Matthew's presence in her living room the night she had written her Instagram post. What Courteney left out was what exactly she and Matty had been doing when he came to her in her dreams.

"He was there! I felt him! I know it sounds crazy…."

"Why would it be crazy?" Jennifer sniffed, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. She smiled wanly. "Aw, honey…."

"You believe me?"

"Baby, of course I believe you!" Jennifer let out a shuddering breath that might have covered for a sob and wiped at her eyes. "I mean, if he was going to come back and visit any of us, it would be you!" Courteney waited for Jennifer to expand on what she meant by this, but her blonde friend didn't.

"You don't think I should…. get help?"

Jennifer pondered Courteney with a thoughtful smile. "It sounds like you already are…." she murmured kindly. "It sounds like this – the dreams, the…. Sam Wheat haunting thing in the living room – it sounds like this is the help. Matty's helping you, just like he tried so hard to help all those poor people who were battling what he was battling…"

Jennifer and Courteney sank into a hug, both of them crying silently. "I love you, my Jenny Louise."

"Oh…. forever, Cox-N-Hammer."