Chapter 16: Pillars of Men

Courteney sat up in bed against the sham pillows, the reading light beaming down onto the pages of the book in her hand. She had thought it would be hard to scan her eyes across the words that were printed there, even as this book was a re-read for her. In actuality, it had taken great fortitude just to pluck the book off the shelf.

As a memoir, Friends, Lovers and the Big, Terrible Thing was an efficient manuscript – coming in at a crisp, exact 250 pages. Upon picking up the tome again for the first time in nearly two years (she had devoured it voraciously the day Matty had mailed it to her, inscribed and autographed), Courteney had vowed to take this reading in chunks: 25 pages at a time, 50 if she was feeling stronger. Last night had been her first attempt…. and she'd only gotten 10 pages in before bursting into tears and stuffing the text back onto her bookcase.

This time, though, she was ready, armed with a pen, uncapped. The tableau was no different than how she got while marking up, doctoring scripts and screenplays; still, she hesitated to mark ink on the pages. When she finally did, she did so quickly, before she changed her mind and the better to preserve a thought.

Matty had always been a wonderful writer. There was a reason he had been the only member of the cast who the Friends writers trusted enough to bring into the writing room with them to tailor dialogue and suggest jokes. Matty's words here, now, carried an overarching theme, several actually, but all so easy to understand that even Coco would have been able to appreciate it (Courteney stifled a smile at her own little joke).

The main thrusts of the piece, Courteney zeroed in on instantly: the howling coyotes, the motif of being an unaccompanied minor, and feeling like one even well into adulthood… her heart broke while digesting that. The emotional trauma steering Matthew down a dark and dangerous road, a road from which he would never entirely be released.

Going back over the book again, however, Courteney honed in on something she had never fully appreciated when reading the first time, back in late 2022: Matthew's parents, and the role they had played in this.

John and Suzanne Perry had divorced by the time their son was nine months old. The destructive trail left in its wake had been brutal, and featured long-lasting consequences: the father abandoning his young family on the American-Canadian border before chasing fame off in LA. A mother who worked hard to provide for her son, but in doing so, was ultimately pulled away from him by the demands on her time. Parents who, in tandem, had thought it a good idea to put a seven-year-old on a plane, alone, and fly him across the better part of two countries just to shuttle him back and forth for custody arrangements.

Courteney found herself criticizing John and Suzanne for how they had not handled the destruction of their union, and the one product of it. Courteney's own divorce, which had also had a child in the picture, was tea and crumpets compared to this, as Johnny might say (she felt a pang go through her heart at the reminder of their recent verbal spat).

Courteney could see a clear through line running through the effect Suzanne's inadvertent distance from her boy had had on the man she, Courteney, had once faux-married on national, syndicated television. There were times on Friends that Matty had acted like one big, immature kid, to the point where Jennifer, Lisa and she had sometimes offered him guidance that was almost maternal in nature. Courteney seemed to recall an insider close to the production once describing such a phenomenon in an interview late in the show's run; interestingly, Courteney had been singled out more than the other two for just how much she had been there to support her onscreen husband.

The mommy issues alone were staggering. Courteney set aside these Oedipal implications for now.

Perhaps it was because she could better relate to Suzanne as a woman, and as a parent who no doubt had made her own fair share of mistakes while raising a child, but Courteney found herself blaming Suzanne less than she blamed John. Like Perry the son, Perry the father had been an alcoholic, though a functioning one, and had eventually recovered from his addictions when Matthew was still a young man.

His boy had not been so fortunate, which led Courteney to believe that there was a genetic component to the plague of addiction. There had to be. It was just more prevalent in some folks than others. Others who were more susceptible, to such an extent that recovery was almost impossible, for those who didn't have a better sense of self-control than John.

Something genetic had been passed down from father to son, and strangely, Courteney found herself getting angry at John over it. The fact that dangerous substances had been left lying around with easy access didn't help matters. That proper modeling hadn't been shown. Courteney made furious scribbling notations to this effect in the margins of the book.

Each in their own way, John and Suzanne Perry had failed their son, damning him to a life of addiction and emotional soul-searching. Though Courteney did not doubt that these two people had loved their boy, in a way, what had happened to Matty was a form of parental neglect.

The thought made her so sad and so angry that she started to pick up her phone and dial John Perry's number, before she stopped midway through to ponder what she was doing.

What purpose would it serve to berate a grieving father, reminding him of how he had failed? Courteney felt a spasm course through her, and she all at once hated herself. She carefully set the phone down next to her on the bedspread and turned back to the book.

Scarcely had she let the phone down then it suddenly started to beep and buzz on the covers. Seeing her partner's picture, she grimaced, but then finally picked up – again, before she changed her mind.

FaceTime activated.

"Hey," Courteney mumbled.

"Hullo, love," Johnny rumbled. He was walking on a busy London street, where it appeared to be early morning. There was an awkward pause. "Listen, Courteney, I'm sorry…."

Her eyes pricked with tears. "I'm sorry too…."

Johnny ruefully smirked. "I wasn't expecting you to come back with that so quickly. Bloody hell, I wouldn't have blamed you if you never did. I think we both know who was more in the wrong here, and it isn't the gorgeous bird who's been having a pretty rough go of it this past year."

Courteney couldn't help but crack a smile, pleased. "Keep talking…."

"That's one hell of a daughter you've got there. Remind me to thank her for boxing me round the ears."

"Coco? What did she do?" Courteney frowned.

"Just bloody made me see sense, is all. I'll show you our text thread, if you want the full context, but suffice it to say…" He rubbed awkwardly at the back of his neck. "… She made me see that I should be showing a little more perspective. I know Matthew meant a lot to you, and I shouldn't have assumed that you were on any kind of timetable with your grieving, let alone the one that I was trying to foist on you." A beat, and then he laughed at himself. "I can't believe I actually got jealous over a dead man…."

Courteney swallowed. "It's understandable, I guess. I've been… well, a bit of a mess, for a while now. I'm sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable. I should have talked to you about it. And I shouldn't have assumed that because you didn't talk to me about it before, that you were fine with it."

"Of course I'm fine with you grieving. The man was someone you loved. He was a…. what was the expression Coco used?... a pillar of a man in your life."

Courteney smiled softly. "That he was. That he is." Her grin broadened. "I can think of a few other pillars of men in my life right now, as well."

"Yeah?" Johnny grinned.

Courteney nodded, her bottom lip pouting and she began to blink away her tears. "It's just…. his birthday's coming up in a few weeks, babe. And nothing's been said yet, but any day now, I'm probably gonna get an email trying to entice me to join the others in a marking of the 30th anniversary of our pilot!" She shrugged helplessly. "… Tell me what I'm supposed to do."

Johnny rubbed his lips together thoughtfully. "Well the only thing you can do is whatever makes you most comfortable, and whatever also helps make sure that the world knows you loved your friend. And that nothing's ever gonna change that."

Courteney nodded, feeling a bit better. He had always been one for advice, her Johnny. It was one of the things she found sexiest about him. Beaming, she leaned in and pressed her lips to her partner's picture on the screen. "I love you."

"Back at ya, love."

Several Weeks Later

"Happy Birthday to you!... Happy Birthday to you!... Happy Birthday, dear Matty!... Happy Birthday to you!..."

Everyone who was essential for the celebration was there: all five of the Friends. Matthew's blended family - both of his parents, his stepparents, his half-siblings. As always, Courteney had hosted, while Lisa had brought a cake she had baked herself.

"It looks absolutely superb, Floosh!" Courteney had gushed to her girl friend. Then, she'd smirked. "And yet I was the one who played the chef on our show!"

Five candles were burning brightly atop the cake, each one signifying 11 years. Watching the firelight dancing in her sapphire eyes, Courteney felt her breath hitch: August 19th. He would have been 55 today….

It was agreed upon seamlessly and with no prior discussion: each of the five Friends stepped up to a candle. Though Matt did ask, "Each take one?" just to clarify.

All in a line, the quintet shared emotional smiles with one another. Jenny had tear tracks clinging to both of her cheeks.

The group started to count up to the traditional three, only to find that they kept going until:

"One…."

"Two…."

"Three…."

"Four…."

"Five…." Courteney hesitated a moment before she added, barely above a whisper: "Six."

Jenny, David, Matt, Lisa and Courteney all blew out the candles with gusto, to tears, cheers and applause.

As the party guests mingled, Courteney shone, catering to everyone's needs and chatting graciously. Coco, mere days back on campus, had been upset to miss the festivities, so Courteney FaceTimed her daughter so she could say hello to everyone via video. Courteney almost FaceTimed her boyfriend, remembered it was by now the middle of the night in London, and decided against it, although Johnny had made clear he wanted to hear every detail.

Scanning the gathering of all of Matthew's loved ones, Courteney's gaze settled on an older gentleman sitting alone, in a high-backed cushioned chair by the floor-to-ceiling windows. Cautiously, she approached.

The past nine-and-a-half months had not been very kind to John Bennett Perry. Though the ridiculously handsome features he had passed down to his first-born were clearly detectable, he was just as clearly now showing his age more as a man of 83. From the way John was hunched in the chair, Courteney might have been fooled into thinking he was even older.

Courteney knelt at his side. "How are you, John….?"

When the senior Perry lifted his head, he gave her a warm, if heavy, smile and Courteney nearly gasped: his and Matty's grins were exactly the same. "Can't remember the last time I had such a pretty girl approach me at a party…."

Courteney twittered out a laugh and felt her cheeks unconsciously turn pink. He was just as much of a lovable cad as his son too, the charmer!

"So: to what do I owe the pleasure of my daughter-in-law coming to see me?"

At Courteney's flustered, dumb blinking, John just chuckled. "Sorry. Too strong on the inside joke?"

Courteney smiled. "Not at all. Tell you the truth, I'm flattered you think so well of me."

John shrugged. "How could I otherwise? To hear Matty tell it, on any given day, you were either an angel or a princess or a saint." He winked at her cheekily. "He always did reach for the highest fruit on the vine!"

Courteney chuckled. "Well, you know…. I am technically descended from English royalty…" She had found that out when appearing on Henry Louis Gates' PBS genealogy show, Finding Your Roots. "William the Conqueror."

"So a princess, then. Not surprised my boy would go for the fair maiden. Hell, I'd have gone for her myself." He smiled at her again, aged but also wistful and sad.

"Hmm," Courteney demurred. "Hopefully while not wearing any of that Old Spice cologne."

"Who, me? Never! Couldn't stand the stuff!" and they both chortled. Courteney felt John take her hand in his, affectionately running his palm over her knuckles. "I don't expect anything from you when I say this, but…. he really did love you."

Courteney beamed wetly. "I know…. I love him too." She took a deep breath, recalling all the things about this man she had read in her son's book – a few failings, yet most of these outweighed by the lengths he'd gone to in order to protect his son later in life. Courteney found that whatever blame she had lain at John's feet now was washed away as she chose to forgive him those shortcomings. In that spirit, she now offered him what she hoped was an olive branch of solace and of peace:

"He visits me, you know."

John straightened, perked up at this. "Visits you, my dear? How?"

Courteney sighed. "In my dreams, mostly. Though sometimes, even when I'm awake…. I've felt his presence…."

"And does my son talk to you in these dreams?"

The red to her cheeks flared unbidden… and worse still, John noticed. He nodded intriguingly, his eyes twinkling.

Caught, Courteney had no choice but to giggle awkwardly. "Sometimes more than talk…" she mumbled. "We'll…. walk together and…. talk together… and…. just before we say goodbye…. He takes me in his arms…. and then…." She shrugged helplessly. "I wake up." Studying how John watched her, Courteney buried her face in her hands, laughing at herself. "I'm sorry…..! You must think I'm…."

John touched her chin, bringing her eyes up to look at him. "Thank you for looking after my boy, Courteney. Bless you." And he didn't seem to just be referring to how Courteney had cared for Matthew when he was still alive.

Rising up off her knees, Courteney bent and kissed John on the forehead. "It's been my pleasure…. Papa…."

The last she added in an impulsive wave of affection. She was relieved when John recognized it for the wink-and-the-nod it was. Like his son after him, he got the inside joke.

An inside joke that may not have been as much of a joke as others might have believed….