Chapter 18: We Were Almost Lovers

There is an essential impartiality that must be met within therapy. The best way to achieve that is to have a therapist come in with no preconceived notions about the patient or their state of mind.

For well-known celebrities, that can be close to impossible. Which is why an entire subset of the industry has been tailored to serve the mental health needs of some of the most famous people in the world. People who have, willingly or unwittingly, had a good portion of their dirty laundry aired out.

By now, Dr. Shannon Raeburn, of Curry Therapy Group, had pretty much seen it all. She had even seen Courteney Cox a handful of times, close to a decade ago, when the former Friends star had been going through a rough patch with her partner, Snow Patrol frontman Johnny McDaid. Seeing Courteney, half-leaning on Jennifer Aniston, come through her door now, Dr. Raeburn could hazard a guess as to what this might be about (her money was on one of two possibilities), yet she held her tongue. The most essential quality for a therapist is that they must listen.

"It's nice to see you again, Courteney," Dr. Raeburn greeted her warmly. "It's been a minute…"

Courteney smiled weakly, but it didn't reach her eyes. Raeburn had to wonder how much the woman who had once played Monica Geller really wanted to be here.

"Why don't we have a seat?" The women did – Courteney and Jennifer on a nice, comfortable, couch; Dr. Raeburn behind her desk.

"Now: what brings you in today, Courteney? How is Johnny? How is Coco? Goodness, she must be close to grown now…."

"Fine. They're both fine, Doctor." Courteney pursed her lips through a tight smile. "And Johnny and I are doing great." She ignored how Jennifer lovingly stroked her arm, encouraging.

With that, Raeburn had one of her two possibilities for why Courteney was here fall out of her head. That only left….

"And how have you been feeling?..."

Courteney squirmed on the couch. "I've been…. coping…." She glanced once to Jennifer, who kept her expression carefully unreadable. The dark-haired woman let out a bitter chuckle. "Needless to say, it hasn't been an easy year…."

"Coco's been off at school, I would imagine. You must miss her," Raeburn theorized gently.

Courteney nodded. "She's been coming home to visit me and her dad whenever she can. Especially after…." Abruptly, she stopped.

Raeburn continued on as if this ellipse hadn't occurred. "Empty nester syndrome is a real thing. Try to be kind to yourself. Too many people can wrap up their entire identity in being a parent, and when they lose that purpose, whether by a child going off to college or even tragically passing away young…" (she noted how Courteney visibly flinched at the phrase 'tragically passing away young') "… they feel as though they have lost their sense of self. Always have an open dialogue with your daughter about what you need, and what you need from her." Courteney nodded mutely.

"Is that why you came in to see me today?" Raeburn asked. Her questioning was deliberate, even as she suspected perfectly well that empty nest syndrome was not the purpose of this visit. Still, it would not do for a therapist to lead the witness, in the interest of having complete impartiality.

Courteney shook her head. "I'm, well…. this was an unplanned visit…" She glanced to Jennifer, and Raeburn followed her gaze, lifting an eyebrow, yet Jennifer said nothing.

"I see. What, specifically, did you wish to talk about?"

Courteney swallowed hard. "Matthew," she whispered.

"Matthew… Does he have a last name?" Raeburn smiled kindly, and Courteney had to refrain from glaring at her. She had to know whom she meant by 'Matthew.'

"Matthew Perry."

Dr. Raeburn's face eased into sympathy. "It must have been hard, to hear of his passing," she prodded gently.

Courteney bowed her head, staving off tears. "I keep going back to that day…" she whispered, barely loud enough for Raeburn and Jennifer to hear. "I can still remember exactly what I was doing, when I heard…" She swallowed. "He died, cold and alone, and I didn't…." A sob burst free, and she fished about for a hanky; Jennifer had to hand her the box.

"It sounds like Matthew was a deeply meaningful person in your life…." Raeburn observed, rather self-evidently, and now both of the girls had to refrain from barking at her.

Courteney nodded. "He was," she confirmed, tonelessly. "I loved him…" She caught herself. "I love him."

"Love in what way, if you don't mind my asking?" Raeburn tilted her head. "As a cast mate and colleague? As a friend? As a brother? …. More than that?"

It was a long beat before Courteney nodded. "…. More…." She chanced a glance at Jennifer, who was watching her intriguingly.

"Describe more for me, Courteney."

Gulping, Courteney lifted her head, her tears leaving tracks down both sides of her face. "I…. had feelings for him," she murmured out her admission.

"Feelings that went beyond the platonic?" Raeburn asked, so sweetly that Courteney nodded.

"And I know he loved me back." A beat, and then Courteney smiled, even chuckled, the tenor rueful and amused. "When Matty had a crush on someone, he was fairly obvious about it. Lord only knows the man was never subtle…" Jennifer chuckled a little herself.

Raeburn made some notes. "And were these mutual feelings of love ever acted upon?"

Silence. Courteney bit her lip. "Well…"

It had happened. It had only happened once, but it had happened.

FLASHBACK: 2015

It had been during the rough patch with Johnny. The split had made minor headlines in the media, but enough to alert the Friends. Knowing that her best girl friend was only a few years removed from a messy divorce, Jennifer Aniston had been concerned about Courteney losing this new man in her life who had, by all accounts, made her so happy.

It was Matthew, however, who had been the first to reach out. His kind and understanding ear had been much needed and appreciated, and Courteney had found solace in late night phone conversations, after Coco had gone to bed.

As for Matthew himself, he appeared to be in one of his sober stretches again, much to Courteney's relief. He appeared healthy, fit.

In retrospect, they probably shouldn't have contributed anything that would have encouraged the gossip mill or the tabloids. Both Matthew and Courteney were well aware of a craze among old Mondler fans that had come to be known as 'Matteney', to the point that they had both jokingly tweeted about it. Courteney had put out on her Twitter feed: "Apparently, 'Matteney' is a thing, and I'm half of it." This acknowledgement, of course, had only fueled the excitement and speculation. Innocent lunch dates didn't help matters, including one in which a paparazzi photographer had caught a snapshot of Matthew sporting such a lovey-dovey expression that a thousand memes had been born around the phrase 'Find Someone to Look at You the way Matthew Perry looks at Courteney Cox.' It only got worse when an eagle-eyed fan had spotted him sporting the exact same gaga expression as Chandler in an episode of Season 9 and done a side-by-side comparison: How Chandler Looks at Monica. How Matthew Looks at Courteney.

As for the accused couple themselves, they had mostly laughed it off. Except for that one night where something…. had shifted between them. Something charged.

Coco had gone down for the night, and Matthew had stopped by to reunite with his former onscreen wife and share a glass of wine. He and Courteney had both gotten a little tipsy, and she had opened up to him about her troubles with Johnny, who had fled to London to cool off.

Upon hearing that the guy had up and dumped her, without warning, in the middle of a therapy session, Matthew was appalled. "Immature prick. See, this is why you don't date guys in their thirties. They haven't walked off all the frat boy behavior yet."

Hearing this from the lips of a verified man-child, albeit a harmless one, Courteney had smirked, amused. "Have you ever walked that behavior off?"

"…. Well played, my dear." Matthew had dipped his head in deference. He carefully set his wineglass down on the kitchen island. "Look, this has been a really emotional time, for you. And I'm sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how it could happen to you – I mean, you're the most beautiful woman in any room you walk into!"

Flushed from the wine, Courteney had beamed, touched. "Really?"

"Are you kidding? Yes! Absolutely beautiful! And if McDaid can't see that, then he's a fucking…. Oh, what's the British slang I'm looking for?"

Courteney's lips quirked. "Wanker?"

"Thank you!" Matty snapped his finger and pointed.

Courteney ducked her head shyly, shaking it with a small smile. This sweet, adorable, funny man! This man who never failed to lift her spirits or make her laugh. She was so overcome with affection that she felt her heart would burst if she didn't do something about it.

Stepping close to him, she beamed up into his eyes. "Oh, Matty…." Swaying on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips tenderly along his cheeks.

Time seemed to freeze, in that moment. Drawing back, Courteney and Matthew had gazed into each other's eyes, watching how their pupils darkened, flushed. Her orbs growing lidded, the lashes fluttering, Courteney had pressed herself close against him. Swallowing, Matthew lowered his face down to hers.

Courteney was the one to boldly push her lips against his, closing the last of the gap between them.

They kissed tentatively.

Barely having enough self-awareness to set her wineglass down, instead of doing what she wanted to do and drop it, leaving stains and shards everywhere, Courteney looped her arms around Matthew's neck and allowed the kiss to deepen. She hummed with curious pleasure as she felt him hold her close at her waist and kiss her back.

By the time his lips finally left hers, she was gasping, panting, her breasts heaving like a bellows under her top as Matthew's lips began to mouth down her face, along her jawline and into the creamy curve of her neck. Courteney sagged into him, slack-jawed, her head spinning from both the kiss and the wine.

"Coco…."

Matthew chuckled into her pulse point, causing it to quicken. "Well, if that's what you're craving…."

"No…." and she nudged him away with a giggle. "Coco…."

"… is asleep…." Matthew finished for her huskily. Lips crashing together, they resumed making out, and for a time, Courteney forgot herself. For a time, it was as though she and Matty were Monica and Chandler again, husband and wife, kissing each other because they could – at least when the cameras were rolling, and sometimes even when they weren't.

Courteney's lips parted for his as Matthew's tongue slipped through. She kissed him passionately, but when she momentarily came up so that air could enter her spinning brain, logic entered along with it, and she gasped.

"Matty…. Wait…. Please…."

She pushed him away now, though her movement was gentle and her eyes as well. She was quite convinced that, if she hadn't gotten a hold of herself, she would have gladly guided him into her heat so they could make love. So he could have sex with her while her 11-year-old daughter slept one floor above them.

Matthew studied her curiously, trying not to let the hurt show in his face. "What's wrong?" His eyes – so kind and warm and gentle – searched hers. "I love you. I always have."

Blinking back tears, Courteney whimpered and bobbed her head through a nod. "I know…." she cooed. "But…."

Matthew's expression fell a little bit. To his credit, he took it more stoically than most men would. "But you still love him."

Lifting an emotional hand to her mouth, Courteney had nodded. "I'm sorry, Matthew. If a part of me wasn't waiting for him, then maybe…" She didn't finish.

Matthew bowed his head. "Who knows how long you'll be waiting…" he pointed out, perhaps holding out one last hope.

"For Johnny, I'll wait as long as it takes."

Matthew nodded, as if he had been expecting that answer. "Would you wait for me, if…?" He needn't finish. If things were different. Or even if they weren't, because I'm still struggling and I'm still in love with you and….

"Yes," Courteney whispered, bobbing her head. "I would. And… if things don't work out… if Johnny doesn't come back…." Stepping into him, she tenderly framed Matthew's face in her hands. "You would wait for me, wouldn't you? Wait for me until I'm ready." She kissed him, long and lingering. It was a kiss of apology. A kiss of deep, deep love. "Please… please wait for me…."

"I will…" Matthew rumbled, dipping his head to capture her lips in his one last time. A chaste peck.

Johnny had come back, of course. And poor Matthew had spent the rest of his life waiting.

END OF FLASHBACK

Courteney was weeping by the end of her tale. She ignored how Jennifer was staring at her, mouth open in shock. Two of her closest friends had made out, nearly had sex, after a drunken moving of the spirit. Only Chandler and Monica had been more reckless, and they had been just as drunk, if not more so, when going to bed in London. This story was a glimpse into what might have happened if Chandler and Monica's romance hadn't lasted and only been chalked up as a fling.

Raeburn had listened without judgment. "Does Johnny know about this, Courteney?"

Jennifer was surprised when Courteney nodded. "He understood because, well…." And an almost crazed smirk came over her lips. "We were on a break…."

"Oh my God…." Jennifer muttered under her breath. Then her voice got louder. "Courteney Bass Cox, I swear to God, if you actually used those words with Johnny, I'm going to break up with you!" A beat, and then the best friends collapsed into emotional, tearful giggles.

"And now, I've been having Matty visit me in my dreams!" Courteney blubbered.

"These dreams: describe them to me," Raeburn pressed. "Are they romantic? Sexual?"

"Sometimes sexual…." (At this, Jennifer's eyes popped.) "Always romantic."

Raeburn made some more notes. "Can I interject?" The girls nodded. "It is clear that you have feelings for Matthew that, with his death, have been left unresolved, even if you have been communing with him in your subconscious. The best thing you can do, Courteney, is to be open and honest about those feelings, with yourself as well as with Matthew."

Courteney considered this, thoughtful. "Doctor: my cast mates and I…. we just received word that there is going to be a tribute special coinciding with the 30th anniversary of our premiere next month. We've been considering whether or not we should try to get out of any contract, if we feel we aren't emotionally ready…."

"Well, now, Courteney, what you feel you are or are not ready for…. that's up to you. However, I would encourage you to do the tribute, if you felt up to it. It might give you more closure than you think," Raeburn advised thoughtfully.

There was a long moment of silence. At last, wiping emotionally at her eyes, Courteney nodded. Her grin was flushed, weak.

"Thank you, Doctor. I…. I think I know what I have to do now…."