A/N: Hope you've enjoyed these last few chapters. I have one more after this and then we're at the end. Thank you to everybody who has reviewed this story I've seen all the nice comments and a few not nice ones too, but hey you can't please everybody. Thanks again, love Laura x
Chapter Twenty Five
Buffy lay on her bed, the drugs were finally starting to wear off and she could feel her strength returning. She heard a light knock on the door, she sighed heavily. She expected another of her friends or Dawn checking on her as they had done over the last few hours. Much to her annoyance, she just wanted to be left alone.
"Come in" she called out
Spike opened the door and shut it behind him. Buffy sat up in her bed and looked at him.
"How are you doing?" She asked him
"I'm fine, you?" He responded sitting on the edge of the bed
"Better…" she smiled a little "The drugs are wearing off"
"I'm sorry" he said softly
"For what?" She frowned
He didn't look at her "If I was here…"
"Don't blame yourself" she told him
"I can't help it… shiny new soul and all" he shrugged "I'm a selfish git, making it all about me"
"Hey you've been through some trauma too" said Buffy
"Not like you… what he did to you" said Spike
"It's just a scratch Spike" said Buffy
"Not that… I'm talking about-"
"Oh… you think he? I wouldn't let that happen… Slayer powers or not. He wouldn't get close to even try" Buffy assured him
"He really didnt?" He asked
"No" Buffy said firmly
"He tortured you Buffy.. when I think of what he did" he choked back tears
"Hey" she said crawling closer to him and putting her arms around him "I'm okay… well not okay but I'll be fine"
He turned to her, the bruises on her face made him feel sick. He could've prevented this he thought to himself.
"You're staring…" Buffy said softly
"I'm sorry, it's just…" he moved away from her
"What?" Buffy asked him her voice tinged with anxiety
"What he did to you Buffy. I've done it a thousand times over. Do you have any idea what I'm capable of?" He asked her
"I'm not stupid Spike, I know what you've done but that's all in past" Buffy told him
"Is it? You've not met the real me… the vampire that tortured people for fun"
"Believe me, I'm well aware of what you're capable of" said Buffy crossing her arms
"No, you got off easy too…Do you know how much blood you can drink from a girl before she'll die? I do. You see, the trick is to drink just enough to know how to damage them just enough so that they'll still cry when you— 'cause it's not worth it if they don't cry" he choked back tears
"Spike why are you doing this to yourself?" She asked
"You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age?" He paced her room
"Spike…" she cried
"Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you?" He asked her
"You fought by my side. You've saved lives. You've helped—"
"Don't do that" he rolled his eyes "Don't rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you"
"No" she said angrily
"You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the slayer"
"No. I don't hate like that. Not you, or myself. You think you have insight now because you've got a soul?"
"You have no idea about the pain I've caused" he yelled
"Exactly. Caused, past tense. Spike you've done so much good over these last few years"
"The chip-"
"No, not the chip! You! You faced the monster inside of you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man"
"Buffy..."
She approached him and grabbed his hand "And you can be. You are. You may not see it, but I do. I do. I believe in you, Spike. I love you"
Spike looked at her with a face full of hope and amazement before he falters. "I can't…" he let go of her hand and looked away.
"You're leaving… aren't you?" Buffy asked softly
"I can't stay" he replied
She sighed heavily "Just another vampire telling me what's good for me… y'know to say how much you deny it you're really starting to become like Angel now"
"Maybe he was right, maybe there's a reason why he left and maybe I was just too selfish to see it before"
"Was this your plan? Get me to fall desperately in love with you so you could leave and break my heart? What did Angel say? To kill me you have to love me? Was that your plan?" She spat
"Yeah and I got my soul just as part of the master plan, c'mon luv do you bloody hear yourself?" He yelled
"Do you?" She asked
Silence fell between them for a few seconds.
"What am I supposed to tell Dawn? What am I supposed to tell Connor when he's asking for his dada? Huh? Tell me!" She cried
"You'll think of something" he said softly
"I'm sorry Dawn he just can't be around us anymore" She mocked "I'm sorry Connor Dada left us?"
"I'm sorry" he sighed
"Fine go!" She sobbed "I can't believe you'd do this to me"
Spike's heart broke seeing her sob like this over him of all people. He went to touch her but she recoiled. He sighed and headed for the door.
"If you leave now, don't come back" she said angrily
He paused for a moment and then opened the door and left.
XXXXX
Xander stood outside of Buffy's bedroom and listened in as Buffy and Spike argued. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop but it was his turn to check in on her. His heart twisted in his chest for his friend, although he wasn't crazy about the idea of her relationship with Spike he knew that the vampire made her happy. He would've had to be blind not to see it.
In so many ways Spike had saved her since she came back from heaven, and now Spike was breaking her heart because he thought he wasn't good enough to stand at her side.
Xander jumped as Spike emerged out of the bedroom and stormed down the hallway.
"Hey!" Xander called after him
Spike didn't stop and dashed down the stairs, Xander followed him down and out of the door.
"Spike!" Xander called again
"What is it Harris?" Spike finally stopped at the end of the front yard
"You're just gunna leave?" Xander asked him
"Got your wish mate, I won't be bothering any of you again" said Spike turning round
Xander could see that the vampire had been crying, his tears still fresh on his face.
"I don't think it's any secret that I don't like you" said Xander
"Well you don't have to worry about that anymore" Spike said angrily
"Shut up for a minute bleach boy!" Xander yelled "Yeah, I don't like you but Buffy… she loves you. I have no idea why but she does, you can't just walk away from her"
"Why not?" Spike asked
"Because you don't actually want to, you think you need to be all noble with that new soul of yours"
"You don't know what you're talking about" said Spike angrily
"Don't I? So you don't love Buffy?" He asked
"I love her more than I have ever loved anything in my life" he said softly
"So why are you leaving her? When she's finally admitted she loves you back? You finally get a chance to be happy together and you're just gunna walk away because you used to be a soulless evil monster"
"It's complicated, I don't expect you of all people to understand" said Spike
"So break out the bloody crayons fang boy! Explain it to me. The way I see it you're just proving me right… maybe you don't deserve her" said Xander
"That's the sodding point nimrod!" Spike said exasperated "I'm not good enough for her!"
"But she thinks you are. And Dawn, Tara… jeez even Anya! If you love her prove it, be here!" said Xander "Don't be like Angel, don't tell her what's good for her. Let her make that decision"
"She'll end up hating me" Spike said softly
"And I can say 'I told you so'… but hey, here's a crazy idea what if she doesn't? What if this is it man? Everything you ever wanted. Here and now with Buffy. Are you just going to throw it away?"
Spike looked at Xander as the realisation hit that his emotions about his soul and seeing what Warren had done to Buffy had gotten the better of him.
"Go" said Xander
Spike doubled back and ran into the house.
XXXXX
Buffy lay on her bed sobbing, her body hurt but the pain in her heart hurt more. She didn't know what she would do without Spike. These last few months he had been the one constant in her life. She confided in him about everything, she hadn't been that vulnerable with anybody. Least of all a boyfriend.
She heard the slam of the door and looked around to see Spike standing there shaking. She rose from her bed staring at him with bloodshot tear stained eyes.
"What?" She asked angrily
Spike stood for a moment kicking himself for almost walking away from her.
"Did you forget to tell me something? Let me guess you want to kick me when I'm down once again?" She spat
"No" he said his voice barely above a whisper
"Then what?… c'mon Spike I don't have time for this. I have to go and tell my friends and Dawn that I've chased another man away" she cried
"I love you" he said finally
She looked at him fiercely "Another punch to the gut thank you" she said rolling her eyes
"Shut up!" He yelled
Buffy was taken aback
"Just listen to me… alright I messed up and I'll probably keep messing up. I don't know what I'm doing Buffy" he fell apart, sinking to the floor
Buffy watched him break down for a moment, before she approached him and knelt beside him patting his back gently as he sobbed.
"I'm so sorry luv, I thought this would be it. I'd get my soul and we could live happily ever after. You, me and the Nibblet's… I never thought it would be this hard or I'd feel this much all at once" he sobbed
"We can get through this Spike" she said softly
"Promise?" He asked
"I promise" she replied